We all hope to recognize our loved ones when we're planning our wedding, but that doesn't mean there's always a special role for everyone.
It's pretty standard for those positions to be offered, not expected.
One bride hit a rough patch with her future family in regards to her soon-to-be sister-in-law.
They turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
DepartureOk1553 asked:
"AITA for not giving my future sister-in-law (SIL) a 'special role' in my wedding?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (28, female) have been having issues with my soon to be SIL (23, female). She recently moved in with me and my partner (26, male) due to a bad living situation. She has some cognitive disabilities, and I used to be a disability support worker, so I do understand her and try to be patient."
"Recently, our family had a vow renewal for my mother-in-law (MIL and stepfather-in-law (stepFIL). My SIL kept trying to make it about herself, demanding certain photos, and insisting she needed special roles. Myself, MIL and the maid-of-honor (MOH) all spoke to her about backing off, but it didn’t really change anything."
"MIL and SIL are rebuilding their relationship, so when I bring things up, MIL brushes it off with 'she doesn’t understand' or 'she doesn’t mean it.' I get that, but it feels like everyone else just has to deal with it."
"Now my partner and I are getting married in 4 months. I’ve already been overwhelmed. I actually wanted to just go to the courthouse, but my partner said I deserve a proper day."
"Today I was making bouquets and my SIL asked which one was hers. I said none, because she isn’t a bridesmaid. She said she 'needs a special job' and when I said she didn’t, she replied 'well I’m special too, he’s my brother'."
"My partner supports me, but after this I had a full emotional breakdown to a family friend, which is not like me at all. I feel like I’m not allowed to be important in my own wedding."
"I understand she struggles, but I don’t want to spend my wedding managing her expectations. I just want one day where I get to feel special."
"AITA?"
The OP later added:
"I had a rough childhood where I was made to feel like I don’t deserve anything nice, which is why my partner is making sure that I know I do deserve it. He has also been quite firm with her and said that she is just a guest."
"MIL and I had a great relationship until SIL moved back into the same state. MIL is on SIL‘s side, claiming that she just doesn’t understand. SIL is 23 and has a child (who doesn’t live with us), so she understands some things very well."
"Also my partner has been very involved with the wedding and trying to take on a lot of the stress. I am just juggling work, study and wedding planning!"
"He has also had conversations with her about it and has been quite blunt. He has said that her role is as a guest."
"That is what has been decided between both of us. He 100% supports and has been backing me up and taking charge, but SIL always comes to me to bring it up."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I told my future SIL that she does not have a special role in my wedding and will just be attending as a guest, even after she repeatedly insisted she 'needed' one because it’s her brother’s wedding."
"This upset her, and she pushed back saying she’s 'special too.' There’s also tension with my MIL, who keeps brushing off SIL’s behaviour by saying she doesn’t understand and doesn’t mean it. Because of that, I feel like I’m being expected to just go along with things to keep the peace."
"Why I might be the a**hole: I know my SIL has cognitive disabilities and struggles with social understanding, and given my background in disability support, I worry I may have been too blunt or not accommodating enough."
"I could have handled it more gently or found a small way to include her instead of shutting it down completely. Part of me feels like I might be prioritizing my own stress over her needs, especially knowing she might not fully understand why she’s being excluded."
"That’s why I’m questioning if I handled this wrong."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"Tell her when she gets married she gets to have a special day but this one is yours. People have to stop giving in to her demands just because it’s easier." ~ Truebeliever-14
"I will say NTA, but the challenge is in deciding who the AH is. Although I see some concerns with both the fiancé and the family, I don’t think anyone is quite an AH. But let’s talk about the concerns."
"The first is going to surprise you. It’s about having a courthouse wedding versus a ceremony because: you are overwhelmed, you wanted a courthouse wedding, your fiancé is pushing you to have a ceremony with all the trimmings. He frames it as ‘you deserve this’ but is he completely ignoring what you want."
"I suggest you go back and tell him that you don’t owe the family a ceremony, and you don’t want all the stress of planning and having one. Now, his preferences matter too, and he needs to be honest about what he wants. Then you to come to an agreement on what suits you best."
"The second concern is whether you keep getting railroaded into other life decisions."
"Were you nudged into housing and wrangling SIL, maybe because 'you are so good at it’? Or because MIL just can’t deal with her anymore?"
"Does the family indulge SIL and leave you to manage the resulting mess/be the bad guy to SIL?"
"Fiancé and family could be generally nice people who don’t even see that they keep pushing you to do what they want/solve their problems."
"I sincerely hope you take a careful look at whether there is one or more dynamics that keep railroading you."
"That could be a real part of the stress you feel. All this family cooperation, but never for what you want or need, and you feel yourself being trapped step by step."
"Maybe I am imagining too much. Just be sure for yourself."
"If you do get married in a ceremony, tell everyone that your SIL will not be in your bridal party and you expect them to accept and support your decision. In fact, you expect someone in the family to wrangle SIL so that she doesn’t disturb you on your wedding day." ~ swillshop
"If you really want a courthouse wedding, but your fiancé is pushing for the wedding with the trimmings because you deserve something nice, suggest an alternative. Perhaps you're getting the dress of your dreams for the ceremony, and then the two of you are going to a high-end resort or fabulous cruise where you’ll be waited on all the time. You’ll get what you want without the drama, and will probably even save money. NTA." ~ Mundane-Scarcity-219
"MIL might not be THE AH in this situation specifically, but I feel that she is definitely AN AH for insisting that a grown woman 'doesn't understand' things that we expect a toddler to grasp—the meaning of 'no'."
"There's no indication that the SIL is actually incapable of understanding due to her disability, she sounds like a spoiled princess who has been allowed to bully her way into getting what she wants, for years. She thinks if she throws a fit that everyone will capitulate, and until now it's worked."
"The SIL is an adult now and is now responsible for herself, but MIL did her a grave disservice by not nipping this behavior in the bud more than a decade ago. The fact that MIL is SUPPORTING her daughter's insanity tells me that MIL is a big reason for SIL's behavior."
"Sorry, it really grinds my gears when a parent just assumes their kid with [insert any neurological or physical disability] 'can't do things' and gives up teaching them to be a future adult. When in reality the kid is almost always perfectly able to do the things, they just need extra help. Maybe that's not what happened to OP's future SIL, but it sure seems that way." ~ Wren_Arts00
The OP provided an update:
"I’ve had a LONG conversation with MIL expressing everything, my partner was also involved and supported me 100%. We have worked some things out and made it quite obvious that MIL was enabling her, to which she has responded very honestly that she just wanted to fix the relationship and not cause issues."
"We are working on having SIL in supported living, staying with us is just temporary until that is finalized. I have told MIL that this is not okay, and my fiancé has said that we need to be a team with MIL to hold her accountable for the choices she is making and not treat her like she doesn’t understand anything."
"Fiancé has also spoken to both his mum and sister and was very firm and clear that what is going on is not okay. I have read through some of the amazing responses in this thread with him so that he can see that it’s something that he needs to handle."
"MIL, SIL, and fiancé are having a sit-down at MIL’s house to discuss options and to see if SIL will even still be attending the wedding."
It sounds like OP and her fiancé have a plan.
If his sister isn't able to control her impulses, maybe it's best she sits this wedding out.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp