We all hope to recognize our loved ones when we're planning our wedding, but that doesn't mean there's always a special role for everyone.
It's pretty standard for those positions to be offered, not expected.
One bride hit a rough patch with her future family in regards to her soon-to-be sister-in-law.
They turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
DepartureOk1553 asked:
"AITA for not giving my future sister-in-law (SIL) a 'special role' in my wedding?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (28, female) have been having issues with my soon to be SIL (23, female). She recently moved in with me and my partner (26, male) due to a bad living situation. She has some cognitive disabilities, and I used to be a disability support worker, so I do understand her and try to be patient."
"Recently, our family had a vow renewal for my mother-in-law (MIL and stepfather-in-law (stepFIL). My SIL kept trying to make it about herself, demanding certain photos, and insisting she needed special roles. Myself, MIL and the maid-of-honor (MOH) all spoke to her about backing off, but it didn’t really change anything."
"MIL and SIL are rebuilding their relationship, so when I bring things up, MIL brushes it off with 'she doesn’t understand' or 'she doesn’t mean it.' I get that, but it feels like everyone else just has to deal with it."
"Now my partner and I are getting married in 4 months. I’ve already been overwhelmed. I actually wanted to just go to the courthouse, but my partner said I deserve a proper day."
"Today I was making bouquets and my SIL asked which one was hers. I said none, because she isn’t a bridesmaid. She said she 'needs a special job' and when I said she didn’t, she replied 'well I’m special too, he’s my brother'."
"My partner supports me, but after this I had a full emotional breakdown to a family friend, which is not like me at all. I feel like I’m not allowed to be important in my own wedding."
"I understand she struggles, but I don’t want to spend my wedding managing her expectations. I just want one day where I get to feel special."
"AITA?"
The OP later added:
"I had a rough childhood where I was made to feel like I don’t deserve anything nice, which is why my partner is making sure that I know I do deserve it. He has also been quite firm with her and said that she is just a guest."
"MIL and I had a great relationship until SIL moved back into the same state. MIL is on SIL‘s side, claiming that she just doesn’t understand. SIL is 23 and has a child (who doesn’t live with us), so she understands some things very well."
"Also my partner has been very involved with the wedding and trying to take on a lot of the stress. I am just juggling work, study and wedding planning!"
"He has also had conversations with her about it and has been quite blunt. He has said that her role is as a guest."
"That is what has been decided between both of us. He 100% supports and has been backing me up and taking charge, but SIL always comes to me to bring it up."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I told my future SIL that she does not have a special role in my wedding and will just be attending as a guest, even after she repeatedly insisted she 'needed' one because it’s her brother’s wedding."
"This upset her, and she pushed back saying she’s 'special too.' There’s also tension with my MIL, who keeps brushing off SIL’s behaviour by saying she doesn’t understand and doesn’t mean it. Because of that, I feel like I’m being expected to just go along with things to keep the peace."
"Why I might be the a**hole: I know my SIL has cognitive disabilities and struggles with social understanding, and given my background in disability support, I worry I may have been too blunt or not accommodating enough."
"I could have handled it more gently or found a small way to include her instead of shutting it down completely. Part of me feels like I might be prioritizing my own stress over her needs, especially knowing she might not fully understand why she’s being excluded."
"That’s why I’m questioning if I handled this wrong."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"Tell her when she gets married she gets to have a special day but this one is yours. People have to stop giving in to her demands just because it’s easier." ~ Truebeliever-14
"I will say NTA, but the challenge is in deciding who the AH is. Although I see some concerns with both the fiancé and the family, I don’t think anyone is quite an AH. But let’s talk about the concerns."
"The first is going to surprise you. It’s about having a courthouse wedding versus a ceremony because: you are overwhelmed, you wanted a courthouse wedding, your fiancé is pushing you to have a ceremony with all the trimmings. He frames it as ‘you deserve this’ but is he completely ignoring what you want."
"I suggest you go back and tell him that you don’t owe the family a ceremony, and you don’t want all the stress of planning and having one. Now, his preferences matter too, and he needs to be honest about what he wants. Then you to come to an agreement on what suits you best."
"The second concern is whether you keep getting railroaded into other life decisions."
"Were you nudged into housing and wrangling SIL, maybe because 'you are so good at it’? Or because MIL just can’t deal with her anymore?"
"Does the family indulge SIL and leave you to manage the resulting mess/be the bad guy to SIL?"
"Fiancé and family could be generally nice people who don’t even see that they keep pushing you to do what they want/solve their problems."
"I sincerely hope you take a careful look at whether there is one or more dynamics that keep railroading you."
"That could be a real part of the stress you feel. All this family cooperation, but never for what you want or need, and you feel yourself being trapped step by step."
"Maybe I am imagining too much. Just be sure for yourself."
"If you do get married in a ceremony, tell everyone that your SIL will not be in your bridal party and you expect them to accept and support your decision. In fact, you expect someone in the family to wrangle SIL so that she doesn’t disturb you on your wedding day." ~ swillshop
"If you really want a courthouse wedding, but your fiancé is pushing for the wedding with the trimmings because you deserve something nice, suggest an alternative. Perhaps you're getting the dress of your dreams for the ceremony, and then the two of you are going to a high-end resort or fabulous cruise where you’ll be waited on all the time. You’ll get what you want without the drama, and will probably even save money. NTA." ~ Mundane-Scarcity-219
"MIL might not be THE AH in this situation specifically, but I feel that she is definitely AN AH for insisting that a grown woman 'doesn't understand' things that we expect a toddler to grasp—the meaning of 'no'."
"There's no indication that the SIL is actually incapable of understanding due to her disability, she sounds like a spoiled princess who has been allowed to bully her way into getting what she wants, for years. She thinks if she throws a fit that everyone will capitulate, and until now it's worked."
"The SIL is an adult now and is now responsible for herself, but MIL did her a grave disservice by not nipping this behavior in the bud more than a decade ago. The fact that MIL is SUPPORTING her daughter's insanity tells me that MIL is a big reason for SIL's behavior."
"Sorry, it really grinds my gears when a parent just assumes their kid with [insert any neurological or physical disability] 'can't do things' and gives up teaching them to be a future adult. When in reality the kid is almost always perfectly able to do the things, they just need extra help. Maybe that's not what happened to OP's future SIL, but it sure seems that way." ~ Wren_Arts00
The OP provided an update:
"I’ve had a LONG conversation with MIL expressing everything, my partner was also involved and supported me 100%. We have worked some things out and made it quite obvious that MIL was enabling her, to which she has responded very honestly that she just wanted to fix the relationship and not cause issues."
"We are working on having SIL in supported living, staying with us is just temporary until that is finalized. I have told MIL that this is not okay, and my fiancé has said that we need to be a team with MIL to hold her accountable for the choices she is making and not treat her like she doesn’t understand anything."
"Fiancé has also spoken to both his mum and sister and was very firm and clear that what is going on is not okay. I have read through some of the amazing responses in this thread with him so that he can see that it’s something that he needs to handle."
"MIL, SIL, and fiancé are having a sit-down at MIL’s house to discuss options and to see if SIL will even still be attending the wedding."
It sounds like OP and her fiancé have a plan.
If his sister isn't able to control her impulses, maybe it's best she sits this wedding out.
