Picking out the perfect name for a baby can be stressful.
Parents want to be sure it's a great fit.
Some choose names long before a baby arrives, or even when they're kids themselves.
Others seem to think once they've chosen a name... they own it... forever.
Being territorial about a baby name can cause a lot of chaos.
Redditor torotime7 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for giving my daughter a similar name to my brother's daughter?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (F[emale] 27) have always wanted to name my daughter after my grandma, since I was a little kid."
"My twin brother was aware of this, but landed on a name for his daughter that is very similar."
"Think Lilly vs Lilliana."
"We talked on the phone before his daughter was born, and he mentioned that they weren't even the same name, so I should be all set to still name a daughter Lilly if I ever had one."
"Fast forward 1.5 years, and I get pregnant with a daughter."
"I talked to him again and wanted to double-check that he and his wife were ok with my daughter having a name so similar."
"He assured me that she's my baby and I am free to name her whatever I like. "
"My husband and I landed on Lilly Deanna (Deanna was his grandma's name) and again checked that they were cool with this."
"He said it was a little similar but reiterated that it's fine."
"At this point, I assumed he had talked with his wife."
"I would have reached out to her myself, but I don't have her phone number, and she routinely friends then unfriends me on Facebook (she's done this to my mom and grandma as well), so I couldn't reach out there either."
"When I eventually gave birth to my baby girl, my husband made a post on Facebook announcing the birth of our daughter with her full name. "
"That same day, my brother called my mom to let her know that his wife had seen the post (despite not being friends with either of us) and was livid that I would upstage her baby with such a similar name."
"At this point, I was kind of blindsided."
"I'm a huge people pleaser, and upsetting her was the last thing I wanted to do (hence why I asked if it was ok so many times)."
"She D[irect] M[essage]d me through Messenger and said it's deeply weird that I stole their name."
"So at this point, I'm freaking out."
"I sent her a LONG message explaining that I thought she already knew, explained the importance those names have to us, and asked if we could find a way to work this out between us."
"She responded to that with this..."
"I appreciate you sharing this with me. I do not want to improve our relationship. Or have one with you at all."
"After that, she blocked me, and we haven't spoken in 7 months."
"Now my brother and his family (wife and 3 kids) are traveling from their state, 8 hours over to mine to visit our family."
"This is the first time she is going to meet any of my extended family."
"At this point, I'm not sure what to think."
"I really tried to make sure this wouldn't happen before I gave her the name, but it happened anyway."
"The people-pleasing part of me is kind of dying, but another part of me feels like I shouldn't care what she thinks."
"She has refused a relationship with my parents and me from the beginning because she feared that we would treat her two children from a previous marriage as less than family."
"As a result, I've only met those kids twice and haven't seen any of them (minus my brother) in over two years."
"Basically, I just want to make sure I'm not going crazy here."
"I'm going to see her in a week, and I don't even know what to say!"
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Nobody gets to gatekeep a name."
"You went above and beyond to make sure your brother was ok with the name you had chosen."
"One of my husband's siblings gave their child the same middle name as my oldest son."
"I thought it was lovely, and liked that they had a special connection with each other and the ancestor they were named after."
"Let her stew in it." ~ mountaingoat05
"If it makes you feel better, sometimes being named after family is a curse."
"I was named after my grandmother in part because I was a 'f*ck you' baby."
"My grandparents pressured my mom to settle down and have kids."
"Unfortunately, she should’ve never been a mother but had me anyway."
"My grandmother was not a nice person."
"My only memories of her are being scared of her."
"Nobody in our family misses her."
"Now my name is beautiful, and it feels more mine than hers, but I do still want to go back in time and ask my mom, 'Really?'" ~ AggravatingFig8947
"I have 3 cousins with the same first name - 1 from my dad's side and 2 from my mom's side."
"Never had an issue telling them apart! NTA." ~ Suspicious-Eagle-828
"We have the name 'Mary/Maria' in almost every generation in our family."
"There was never a problem telling them apart."
"NTA OP!" ~ Popular-Mulberry4329
"All of the men on my dad's side of the family have the same middle name, because it's a family name."
"No one gets upset about that, because it's a normal thing to do."
"Lilly is literally her grandmother's name, so it's not like she pulled it out of nowhere just to copy the brother and S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw]. NTA." ~ Silent-Zebra
"People don’t own names."
"Do you know how many Franks and Vitos and Marys are in my family?"
"So many."
"It’s not about them. NTA." ~ obtusewisdom
"NTA. If you live for people's acceptance, you will die from their rejection."
"Names are not property."
"If this is the hill your sister-in-law wants to die on, that is her prerogative."
"Treat her with the same energy she is giving you." ~ rodimus147
"NTA. Sounds like she was looking for an excuse to cease communication with your family." ~ Sharp-Ticket1950
"NTA, but she is, and your brother sure didn’t help."
"What a tribute to your grandma to have TWO granddaughters named in her honor."
"I grew up with a very similar name to my cousin (same pronunciation, different spelling), and we all have gotten a kick out of it for almost 50 years."
"Love your baby and let go of that need to please people who haven’t earned it." ~ Spunky-Birdie
"You are not an a**hole for naming your daughter the sentimental name you gave her."
"You went out of your way to check with your brother repeatedly."
"He probably didn't tell her because he knew her reaction would be overly dramatic."
"I would let it go."
"You cannot please someone who doesn't want a relationship with you." ~ Tough_Bench5344
"NTA. Your brother's wife is a living nightmare, and you don't need to cater to her nonsense."
"She's so determined not to let all of you become family, because she's decided that you'll treat her kids differently, but refuses to let any of you have a say... a relationship so that you can become a family?"
"Did I grasp this nuttery correctly?"
"She sounds exhausting."
"Listen, she won't be his last wife, so I wouldn't waste energy on this fruit loop, disgusted as an adult. Yikes." ~ mamaallthetime
"NTA. You did not pick the name at random or because of her child; it has family history, and you checked in with her husband to not have it lead to a conflict."
"She sounds insufferable." ~ Neidhardtbutterberge
"NTA. Don’t talk to her about anything."
"Ignore her as far as possible. Greyrock."
"Talk with her like you would talk with someone you meet in a business context, friendly but not really personal."
"Focus on your family, your child, your brother, and his children."
"Tell your family/brother you respect her wish not to have a relationship with you (screenshot the text!) and don’t think any other second about what you need to do to solve whatever problem she has."
"If your brother and his wife don’t communicate its not your problem or business." ~ Significant_Taro_690NTA
"There are 3 Alans in my family, 4 Mias, and 2 Johns, and that’s just off the top of my head."
"Did you take your husband’s surname or double-barrelled?"
"She does realize that a) she doesn’t own a name and b) they won’t even have the same full name?"
"It’s when one parent wants all the kids to have the same initials that it goes wrong."
"K Smith, K Smith, and K Smith can cause all sorts of troubles for ID and bank loans." ~ Flashy-Promise-6915
"Don’t engage with her about the name anymore."
"You explained already, so no further discussion is required."
"When you see her, be polite, but that’s it; after all, she made it clear she doesn’t want a friendship with you."
"Keep in contact with your brother. NTA." ~ opinescarf
"NTA if she has never met most of the family, you obviously are not close and spending time together for it to matter."
"Even then, people manage when cousins have the same names all the time."
"It’s sentimental for both you and your brother and keeps your grandma’s spirit with you." ~ Bunster04
Reddit is with you, OP.
People don't own names.
It's not your responsibility to fix this relationship.
Good Luck.
