Picking out the perfect name for a baby can be stressful.
Parents want to be sure it's a great fit.
Some choose names long before a baby arrives, or even when they're kids themselves.
Others seem to think once they've chosen a name... they own it... forever.
Being territorial about a baby name can cause a lot of chaos.
Redditor torotime7 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for giving my daughter a similar name to my brother's daughter?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (F[emale] 27) have always wanted to name my daughter after my grandma, since I was a little kid."
"My twin brother was aware of this, but landed on a name for his daughter that is very similar."
"Think Lilly vs Lilliana."
"We talked on the phone before his daughter was born, and he mentioned that they weren't even the same name, so I should be all set to still name a daughter Lilly if I ever had one."
"Fast forward 1.5 years, and I get pregnant with a daughter."
"I talked to him again and wanted to double-check that he and his wife were ok with my daughter having a name so similar."
"He assured me that she's my baby and I am free to name her whatever I like. "
"My husband and I landed on Lilly Deanna (Deanna was his grandma's name) and again checked that they were cool with this."
"He said it was a little similar but reiterated that it's fine."
"At this point, I assumed he had talked with his wife."
"I would have reached out to her myself, but I don't have her phone number, and she routinely friends then unfriends me on Facebook (she's done this to my mom and grandma as well), so I couldn't reach out there either."
"When I eventually gave birth to my baby girl, my husband made a post on Facebook announcing the birth of our daughter with her full name. "
"That same day, my brother called my mom to let her know that his wife had seen the post (despite not being friends with either of us) and was livid that I would upstage her baby with such a similar name."
"At this point, I was kind of blindsided."
"I'm a huge people pleaser, and upsetting her was the last thing I wanted to do (hence why I asked if it was ok so many times)."
"She D[irect] M[essage]d me through Messenger and said it's deeply weird that I stole their name."
"So at this point, I'm freaking out."
"I sent her a LONG message explaining that I thought she already knew, explained the importance those names have to us, and asked if we could find a way to work this out between us."
"She responded to that with this..."
"I appreciate you sharing this with me. I do not want to improve our relationship. Or have one with you at all."
"After that, she blocked me, and we haven't spoken in 7 months."
"Now my brother and his family (wife and 3 kids) are traveling from their state, 8 hours over to mine to visit our family."
"This is the first time she is going to meet any of my extended family."
"At this point, I'm not sure what to think."
"I really tried to make sure this wouldn't happen before I gave her the name, but it happened anyway."
"The people-pleasing part of me is kind of dying, but another part of me feels like I shouldn't care what she thinks."
"She has refused a relationship with my parents and me from the beginning because she feared that we would treat her two children from a previous marriage as less than family."
"As a result, I've only met those kids twice and haven't seen any of them (minus my brother) in over two years."
"Basically, I just want to make sure I'm not going crazy here."
"I'm going to see her in a week, and I don't even know what to say!"
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Nobody gets to gatekeep a name."
"You went above and beyond to make sure your brother was ok with the name you had chosen."
"One of my husband's siblings gave their child the same middle name as my oldest son."
"I thought it was lovely, and liked that they had a special connection with each other and the ancestor they were named after."
"Let her stew in it." ~ mountaingoat05
"If it makes you feel better, sometimes being named after family is a curse."
"I was named after my grandmother in part because I was a 'f*ck you' baby."
"My grandparents pressured my mom to settle down and have kids."
"Unfortunately, she should’ve never been a mother but had me anyway."
"My grandmother was not a nice person."
"My only memories of her are being scared of her."
"Nobody in our family misses her."
"Now my name is beautiful, and it feels more mine than hers, but I do still want to go back in time and ask my mom, 'Really?'" ~ AggravatingFig8947
"I have 3 cousins with the same first name - 1 from my dad's side and 2 from my mom's side."
"Never had an issue telling them apart! NTA." ~ Suspicious-Eagle-828
"We have the name 'Mary/Maria' in almost every generation in our family."
"There was never a problem telling them apart."
"NTA OP!" ~ Popular-Mulberry4329
"All of the men on my dad's side of the family have the same middle name, because it's a family name."
"No one gets upset about that, because it's a normal thing to do."
"Lilly is literally her grandmother's name, so it's not like she pulled it out of nowhere just to copy the brother and S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw]. NTA." ~ Silent-Zebra
"People don’t own names."
"Do you know how many Franks and Vitos and Marys are in my family?"
"So many."
"It’s not about them. NTA." ~ obtusewisdom
"NTA. If you live for people's acceptance, you will die from their rejection."
"Names are not property."
"If this is the hill your sister-in-law wants to die on, that is her prerogative."
"Treat her with the same energy she is giving you." ~ rodimus147
"NTA. Sounds like she was looking for an excuse to cease communication with your family." ~ Sharp-Ticket1950
"NTA, but she is, and your brother sure didn’t help."
"What a tribute to your grandma to have TWO granddaughters named in her honor."
"I grew up with a very similar name to my cousin (same pronunciation, different spelling), and we all have gotten a kick out of it for almost 50 years."
"Love your baby and let go of that need to please people who haven’t earned it." ~ Spunky-Birdie
"You are not an a**hole for naming your daughter the sentimental name you gave her."
"You went out of your way to check with your brother repeatedly."
"He probably didn't tell her because he knew her reaction would be overly dramatic."
"I would let it go."
"You cannot please someone who doesn't want a relationship with you." ~ Tough_Bench5344
"NTA. Your brother's wife is a living nightmare, and you don't need to cater to her nonsense."
"She's so determined not to let all of you become family, because she's decided that you'll treat her kids differently, but refuses to let any of you have a say... a relationship so that you can become a family?"
"Did I grasp this nuttery correctly?"
"She sounds exhausting."
"Listen, she won't be his last wife, so I wouldn't waste energy on this fruit loop, disgusted as an adult. Yikes." ~ mamaallthetime
"NTA. You did not pick the name at random or because of her child; it has family history, and you checked in with her husband to not have it lead to a conflict."
"She sounds insufferable." ~ Neidhardtbutterberge
"NTA. Don’t talk to her about anything."
"Ignore her as far as possible. Greyrock."
"Talk with her like you would talk with someone you meet in a business context, friendly but not really personal."
"Focus on your family, your child, your brother, and his children."
"Tell your family/brother you respect her wish not to have a relationship with you (screenshot the text!) and don’t think any other second about what you need to do to solve whatever problem she has."
"If your brother and his wife don’t communicate its not your problem or business." ~ Significant_Taro_690NTA
"There are 3 Alans in my family, 4 Mias, and 2 Johns, and that’s just off the top of my head."
"Did you take your husband’s surname or double-barrelled?"
"She does realize that a) she doesn’t own a name and b) they won’t even have the same full name?"
"It’s when one parent wants all the kids to have the same initials that it goes wrong."
"K Smith, K Smith, and K Smith can cause all sorts of troubles for ID and bank loans." ~ Flashy-Promise-6915
"Don’t engage with her about the name anymore."
"You explained already, so no further discussion is required."
"When you see her, be polite, but that’s it; after all, she made it clear she doesn’t want a friendship with you."
"Keep in contact with your brother. NTA." ~ opinescarf
"NTA if she has never met most of the family, you obviously are not close and spending time together for it to matter."
"Even then, people manage when cousins have the same names all the time."
"It’s sentimental for both you and your brother and keeps your grandma’s spirit with you." ~ Bunster04
Reddit is with you, OP.
People don't own names.
It's not your responsibility to fix this relationship.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp