Every now and then, all we want is some quality time with those we love.
Particularly if spending quality time with these people is not easy to make happen.
Frustratingly, many people like to join in on what was meant to be one-on-one time.
Making things even trickier is when the people we wanted one-on-one time with are in a "more the merrier" mindset.
Redditor WhichPaleontologist8 was hoping her mother would pay her a visit.
While her mother wanted to do just that, she wanted someone else to tag along with her.
Someone the original poster (OP) wished would rather not join in.
Wondering if her wishes were unreasonable, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not letting my mother bring her partner to visit me?"
The OP explained why she lost excitement over her mother's impending visit:
"I (28 F[emale]) moved quite far from my family and I'm always pushing my mom (57 F) to visit me at least once instead of me always making the trip."
"Here's the catch though - my mom insists on bringing her partner (56 M[ale]) along (he's not my biological father), saying it's not normal for couples to travel alone, and she would feel bad leaving him behind."
"I don't think it's unreasonable to expect my mom to visit me alone, after all I want to spend time with her, show her the city I live in, my workplace etc."
"Of course I'm not talking about family holidays like Christmas and whatnot, just a normal weeklong trip."
"For a bit of context, my mom and her partner got together and married when I was already an adult."
"He left my mom abruptly after 5 years of marriage during a tough period of our lives, 2 months after my maternal grandma died and I was just getting ready to move out for my current job, leaving my mom all alone."
"They divorced and remained separated for 1.5 years and then got back together - I've never given my mother flak for forgiving him and maintained a civil attitude towards him for my mom's sake but I still don't have a good opinion of him."
"I don't know if I'm overreacting, but this subject always starts an argument between me and my mom - I don't want to have to host her partner so I can have my own mother visit me and show her my current life."
"So AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community generally agreed that the OP was not the a**Hole for wanting her mother to visit alone.
That being said, people also didn't seem to think it was unreasonable for the OP's mother to want to bring her partner, even if they understood the OP's desire for one-on-one time:
"NAH."
"Your mom is allowed to want to visit with her partner."
"You're allowed to want one-on-one time with just her and not want him to visit."
"Your mom might be an AH, but not enough information here to know."- GreekAmericanDomNAH
"'Mom I really want this to be Girl Time/ don't really have space for you both'."
"Is it that Mom thinks couples should travel together, or is she anxious about traveling alone?"
"Is there a middle ground?"
"He joins her later, or does his own thing some nights so you can have some one on one time?"
"They stay at a hotel?"- CleverNamesPending
"NAH."
"It’s a reasonable request to have 1 week of one-on-one time with your mom."
"You’re not asking her to miss any holidays either him either, I think that it’s totally fine for you to ask that."- Sad-Home-5484
"NAH."
"You're allowed to want one-on-one time with your mom."
"But your mom is also allowed to want to bring her partner with her when she travels."
"How would you feel if she insisted you leave your partner at home when you visit her?"- Infamous-Let4387
"NAH."
"You can request she not bring him and she can request to bring him."
"Both parties can decide what hill they want to die on to maintain their relationship."
"I think it’s fair for her to want to bring her partner."
"If you care about the relationship you can give in."- Sadsloth_
"NAH, you can choose who you host in your home, but then she can choose not to come."
"If you were married, you would expect your mother to allow your partner to visit with you".- kacee1234
"NAH you're not wrong about wanting to just see her, but she's not wrong about wanting to travel with her partner."
"I've traveled without my husband."
"Some people aren't comfortable with that, but I have more vacation time than him, and I'm not going to lose it."- Careless-Ability-748
There were many, though, who shared the OP's frustrations, feeling she was prioritizing her partner over her own daughter:
"NTA!"
"It's ok for moms and daughters to have girl time."
"If she can't spend a few days apart from her boyfriend to spend time with her daughter, then she's TA."
"She is prioritizing her boyfriend over her daughter."
"Just tell her you don't feel comfortable with her bringing him and it will only be for a few days."- michihunt1
"NTA."
"It’s totally reasonable to want to spend some quality time with your mom without her boyfriend."
"It’s also normal for partners to travel alone."
"She’s prioritizing his feelings over yours."- Dragonfreaky13
"NTA, it's important to spend time with your mother where you get to feel connected to her, and you're not asking for every instance to be apart from her partner (e.g. Christmases) so it seems very strange to me that she'd be unwilling to visit without him."-vampirebumblebee
"NTA."
"They can visit, but you don’t need to host both of them."
"They can get a hotel and you and your mother can have mother-daughter time."- Jonathan-Welford
"NTA."
"Right you are perfectly right to expect your mother to visit you on her own."
"You and your mother have a special separate relationship that her partner, who you did not grow up with, does not share."
"You deserve time to be in that special parent-child space; it totally changes the dynamic for some guy who is not family to you to come along."
"Your mother should be prioritizing you, and I’m sorry that she’s not. You deserve better, if for no other reason because you are her child and you should be her priority, and seriously it’s just a weekend."
"She should be able to travel without him for a weekend for you her child, just because it would make you happy that should be enough."- Daisymaisey23
"NTA, you’re a good daughter."
"I don’t know how you have held your tongue and been civil."
'I simply would explode."- hanna-xo
"'saying it's not normal for couples to travel alone'.”
"NTA."
"What century does your mother think she’s living in?"- Beneficial-Year-one
"NTA."
"I'll never understand anyone of any age that acts like they can't go anywhere or do anything without their partner."
"You guys live together; you see each other every day. If you can't handle a trip to see your child without your partner, you're definitely worried about what the partner is doing while you're gone. That's scary if she can't trust him alone."
"She needs to get rid of him it sounds like I'm sorry it's impacting your relationship with your mom. She should understand you live far away you just want to be with your mom."- Immediate-Catch-7073
"NTA and I totally understand where you are coming from."
"My mom also never visits me solo; it’s always a thing where she brings her boyfriend and often my nephew."
"I like all of these people but sometimes I just want my mom all to myself."
"You might ask her if you can do a girls’ trip and meet in the middle or something where it’s just quality time."- Oregonian_Lynx
While a select few sympathized with the OP's mother, understanding why she would be offended to be asked to leave her partner at home:
"I can understand you wanting your mother to visit, but as someone whose family basically wants me to ONLY visit them WITHOUT my partner (and making this a hard boundary), for me personally speaking, I do have to say that you are obviously also telling your mother that you do not accept her partner, that you do not respect and accept her and that you are also making a demand that your mother does not want to meet and is not willing to meet (and for in my opinion legitimate reasons)."
"So yes, slight YTA (but that I am also pretty biased here as well)."
'Would you be willing to compromise in so far that your mother brings her partner, that they stay at a hotel and that you and she then organize a few one-on-one sessions, that you see mostly just her, but that her partner is in the same city and sharing a hotel room with your mother?"- GoetheundLotte
Even if the OP's relationship with her mother's partner were stronger, she likely would still prefer one-on-one time, living so far away from her.
Then too, if the OP's mother's insistence on bringing him stems from her wanting their relationship to improve, she will likely find herself disappointed.
At the very least, should the OP's mother come with her partner in tow, one hopes they at least schedule some
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