New Dad Upset After Spouse Won't Let His Mom Stay For Up To Two Years To Help With Baby

We've all heard the importance of having a village around us, but we don't hear enough about how imperfect these villages might be.

As much as a person might offer to help, there are often strings attached to their most loving gestures, cringed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.

Redditor RewardSpecialist3390 appreciated all of the help that she received from her biological parents and loved the connection that she had with her parents-in-law, even though they lived in another country.

But when her mother-in-law insisted that she move in for the next two years, or more, to help raise her grandson, the Original Poster (OP) felt intruded upon while her family-in-law expected her to be grateful and welcoming.

They asked the sub:

"AITAH for telling my husband his mom can't live with us for months-long stretches?"

The OP and a strong support network for their young son.

"My husband and I have been married for almost two years, and our son is 10 months old."

"We live in Canada. I grew up here while my husband immigrated when he was a student."

"My parents live nearby, which has been invaluable during my pregnancy and since. My mom comes over regularly to help us out, and my husband and her are on good terms too, so it's been going well."

"His parents live in another country. We have visited them once since we got married, that was seven months ago. The time prior to that was our wedding itself, which took place there. We're both of Pakistani heritage."

The OP knew their mother-in-law might make a long visit, but they became uncomfortable as more information became available.

"My husband had been talking about my MIL visiting soon for a long visit, which I was happy with."

"We recently moved into our new house, I've done a good job decorating it, we have a large guest room, and I was looking forward to hosting her, especially since it would make my husband happy."

"A couple of days ago, he was complaining about how detailed her visa application was."

"I told him I was surprised it was so thorough."

"He told me that it's because while regular visa forms allow a stay of six months max, and the one he was working on allowed for two years."

"I asked why she would need a stay of more than six months, and he said that she had been thinking of winding up her medical practice and basically retiring, and this would then allow her to stay for a longer visit if we all decide that it works."

"I was stunned. I told him he should just do the regular application because his mom wouldn't be staying for anywhere close to six months. I had it in my mind that she'd be staying for like a month. That's how long we stayed for when we went there."

The length of her visit led to an argument between the couple.

"He said that was his mom, she's told him how alone she feels, and that she couldn't go to my BIL's because he lives with roommates, and we can't just put a timer on her visit here."

"He said she's been looking forward to helping us out with our son."

"I told him we don't need help we manage fine on our own and with my mom's help."

"I wanted to host his mom as a guest, not as a part of our household."

"He complained, demanding how it was fair that my parents could visit whenever they wanted while his couldn't."

"I was hurt by that because my parents have helped us out a lot, and I asked him if he wanted us to limit how often my mom comes to visit."

"He said no, that's not what he meant, that he likes her, but it wasn't fair to his parents."

"My reply was that when my mom comes, she goes at the end of the day. That wouldn't be the case with his."

"I ended it by saying he should look into the easier regular form because she can't be thinking of staying for that long."

"He chose to sleep on the couch that night and has been cold with me since. I hate that. We've never been cold to each other like this."

The OP tried to get a second opinion.

"I talked to my mom, too. She said that having his mom live with us for long stretches would definitely affect me and that this is worth fighting for."

"I haven't seen him working on the application since. Last night, he went out when his mom called. When he came back, I asked him how she took it."

"He told me he had told her he was looking into the application that best suited her."

"He asked me if I'd changed my mind. I said no. He just shook his head and started watching TV."

"AITAH?"

Fellow Redditors weighed in:

• NTA: Not the A**hole
• YTA: You're the A**hole
• ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
• NAH: No A**holes Here

Some questioned why the mother-in-law needed to move in at all.

"NTA. If she's winding up her practice, she can move to Canada IN HER OWN PLACE and visit like your mom. No need for her to live with you." - JennyBeanseeall

"I don't understand why if she's winding down her medical practice and wanting to be gone for up to two years, she wouldn't rent her own house nearby!"

"She's a welcome visitor for a certain amount of time, but if she's wanting to stay for an extended period of time, she needs her own accommodations. There's a difference between a visit and moving in!" - Haunting_Cicada_4760

"Being welcoming but setting boundaries makes it clear this isn't about shutting her out, just keeping your home your own space. If he pushes back, just remind him it's about balance, not rejection." - Youngishwidow

"I get the definite impression that he expects to move MIL in, refuse to move her out, and OP will just... give in somewhere along the line."

"OP should make it grimly, explicitly clear that he gets to live with her and baby OR MIL, and if he pushes his luck, the decision's going to get made for him. It's good that there's a support system in place in case he's determined to be a momma's boy." - RuanaRulane

Others urged the OP to communicate with her husband about their needs and boundaries.

"Tell your husband you understand him wanting to have his mother here, and you're looking forward to her being more present in your daily life. But you are a partnership, and your ability to have intimate interactions would be restricted."

"And that if his mom decides to stay during her VISIT, then you'd love to help her go apartment hunting."

"If he pushes back, emphasize that you are great with her becoming a bigger part of your village but the your home is just that, a space for you to have peace and privacy when needed." - Mindless_Dependent39

"I think it is very disrespectful of your husband to think that it was okay for his mother to move into your house for six months or just move her in without sitting down and having a discussion with you."

"I find it very disrespectful so you just going to move your mother into our house and don't even ask me you're telling me your mother needs to fill out this long application for Visa because she's going to be here maybe two years and our house."

"I don't want to live with anybody in our house, only you and our son. If you can't seem to understand that, then maybe me and you need to have a conversation... another conversation." - leolawilliams5859

"Being welcoming but setting boundaries makes it clear this isn't about shutting her out, just keeping your home your own space. If he pushes back, just remind him it's about balance, not rejection." - cleanperspective2345

"NTA. I have a sneaking feeling your husband is trying to sponsor his mother to stay permanently in Canada. This could well have been his plan all along. You need to make it clear to your husband that his mother is not to stay with you for a long period of time, definitely not permanently."

"If this is important to him, he can still sponsor her if she gets her own place. Assuming they aren't from a super impoverished country, she probably has some money to pay her way and could potentially even immigrate on her own under her medical skills if she was willing to work for a couple more years."

"I'm curious that OP mentions his parents as a couple, but only his mom is coming for a long time and needs a visa. No mention of FIL, but refusing mom's extended stay is 'unfair to his parents.'"

"Is it significantly easier to sponsor only one person vs. a couple in Canada? Feels like there's some loophole he's trying to use." - intelligent-owl-5236

After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in a second post.

"Thank you for the feedback in the original post. Yesterday, when he came back from work, I tried to start the conversation again. He had been giving me the cold shoulder since all this started."

"I told him I'm his wife of two years and the mother of his child, and this isn't how we're going to communicate. We started talking after that."

"I held my ground that his mom staying with us for so long wasn't tenable. If she wanted to visit Canada for longer than a couple of months, she would have to live in her own apartment, learn how to drive, or use public transport (she's used to being driven by a hired driver in Pakistan), and a whole bunch of other changes that she'd need to get used to."

"I added that I don't see myself changing my mind on this, so he needs to be honest with her and himself and not go down the 'we'll keep our options open' route."

"He said that he knows her living with us for an extended stay would require some changes on our part, but he was asking me to do this as a favor to him, that I claim to love him and yet can't do him this favor for his mom."

The OP didn't appreciate his insinuation of conditional love or an ultimatum.

"I actually started sobbing when he said this, it was so hurtful that he was using this as a litmus test for our love. I said her being around for years would ruin our parenthood with our first child, that I want us to raise our child the way we see fit, not his mom. Also, all the intimate moments we have, our sex life, everything would suffer."

"My parents are Pakistani, too, and I know this will happen."

"He again asked me to just not shut the door completely, that he'll tell his mom the stay can only be for a month or so, and I can let him know if I think the change wasn't too much. And we landed on a compromise that for now, they'll do the regular visa app that only allows a max stay of six months. If I change my mind, he'll do the super visa."

"He then had a long call with his mom, which his older sister also joined. It actually lasted an hour and a half. He was in the backyard for the call and came back in to grab a chair it was that long. Also, from what I could see, he was mostly listening for that convo."

The family began to pressure and guilt the OP to get her to give in to their demands.

"When he came back in, he told me to just not answer any calls or messages from his mom or sister. Meanwhile, I've received like four missed calls and 20 messages from them, mostly Islamic quotes about the rights of parents."

"I've told them that I can't talk right now since I'm busy with my son right now. I asked him how it went, he said as well as he expected. But he's not giving me the cold shoulder anymore."

"I do feel guilty because like I said, I was actually looking forward to hosting her for a month, and I think this whole thing may have caused irreparable damage, not just to my relationship with my MIL and SIL, but my husband's relationship with his mom and sister."

"I've told my MIL I'll call her back in a couple of hours, once my husband's back. I'm dreading that conversation, but I know what my boundaries are. Thank you for the feedback; it helped."

In a third update, the OP's husband apologized to her for how his parents behaved.

"I spoke to my MIL. Since her missed calls and text messages were asking me to call her, I figured I should be the one to call, not my husband. But I put my phone on speaker, so that my husband, who was lying on the couch, could also hear it."

"She said that my husband had told her he thought it'd be best if she restricts her trip to one month, since it was her first time in Canada, and because we were really busy with my son."

"She said that ever since my husband had gone to Canada as an 18-year-old, he'd always wanted her to visit for a long duration, and now all of a sudden, he was asking her to restrict it when she wanted to help with her grandson, and said she knew I must be the reason why."

"I said it was a joint decision because of the circumstances, but she wouldn't hear of it."

"She said if her visiting for more than a month was so outrageous to us, then that's fine she'll limit her stay but I should know that in Pakistan in-laws live in the same house with the married couple, like my SIL does, and that she had thought I was in touch with my Islamic and Pakistani roots when I was getting married because that's what my husband had told her, but she was disappointed at how whitewashed I was."

"At this point, my husband asked me to give him the phone, but not before I told her that I was totally comfortable with how in tune with my heritage I was, and that apparently so was her son, told her my husband had just come and handed him the phone."

The OP was relieved that her husband attempted to stand up for her.

"My husband went in the yard to talk, but I was so angry I decided to eavesdrop."

"He was talking to both my MIL and FIL. He told them that it's not like he fled to Canada in the middle of the night as a student, they both had happily seen him off at the airport, and that when he had introduced me, he hadn't kept the fact that I was born and raised in Canada a secret either. He said that they can't expect to treat us like a couple in Pakistan."

"Then he listened a whole lot for like half an hour, (I gave him a chair again) and kept telling them that it's different now. They ended the call with him saying that we were both really looking forward to her visit, that we'll make sure it's a great 30 or so days with us and her grandson."

"He apologized to me on behalf of his mom and asked me to please let her lecture go and still be onboard with the one-month plan."

"I'm looking forward to it much less than I was, but I said fine."

"Thanks a lot again for the advice. Along with my mother, I was able to get good advice from here, too, and I think I've managed to resolve this issue. I know myself I know that my MIL staying over for years wasn't something I could deal with, and knowing a lot of people agreed was really helpful."

Fellow Redditors were relieved but advised the OP to take extra precautions.

"You and your husband will still need to set boundaries. You know she blames you for the fact that she's not getting what she wants. She is already blaming you for the fact that her son is not giving in to her demands."

"If she's going to stay with you in your home, she needs to respect the fact that it is not just her son's home. It's your home, too. It's not just your husband's son. It's your son, too. She does not get to control or judge your connection to your heritage."

"If she wants to be welcome in your home, she needs to treat you with respect, and she needs to avoid interfering with your marriage. Your husband needs to be fully prepared to rein her in if she puts even one toe out of line. He needs to be responsible for protecting you from any disrespect from her."

"Good luck, and I hope you'll be able to come back and let us know it went well." - miyuki_m

"I want to add to this, and I know it sounds paranoid as h**l, but I strongly suggest cameras. In the areas that baby will be in, so it's not looked at a weird or invasive. The only reason is the passive-aggressive actions and controlling behavior."

"She may try to break up the marriage by saying you did something when hubby walked out of the room or something of that ilk. Keep a record of things, only if you have the energy to keep track of things."

"To me, this isn't just culture. This is a woman who expects full control and may try to take it however she can. Take it or leave it but that's my suggestion." - GhostofaPhoenix

"Honestly, I'd get cameras in main living areas too. This isn't cultural. Plenty of white Western families involve mothers or mothers-in-law who feel entitled to demand full control and to take it by any means possible. They think it's a right, but it's really not."

"No matter the culture, these entitled types can find and skew the meaning of 'rules,' especially 'moral' but not legal ones, to justify their behavior."

"But they are almost always twisting the actual meaning of the rule they cite. Getting cameras, having an escape plan, and exerting your rights and authority in your own home are the solutions, regardless of culture." - lokipupper456

"OP, before she arrives, look up extended-stay residences and hotels that you can send her to in case of emergency. Absolutely do not tolerate her disrespecting you in your own home, employ three strikes and out." - snailsss

The subReddit was alarmed by the plan the OP's husband seemed to at first try to get past her but were relieved when he seemed to start to support her. But they advised keeping a close watch on the family while visiting, as there was no questioning that changes to the plan would be suggested to get the OP to change her mind.