While not everyone will agree that omitting information is a form of lying, lying by omission is still typically wrong, because in most cases, when someone omits information, it means they're trying to stay out of trouble.
A guy with a female best friend who he secretly has feelings for is a classic example, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Odd_Mongoose9340 had been dating a guy for two years and thought that everything was going well, though her boyfriend hadn't done much to introduce her to the other people in his life.
But when she accidentally found out that his best friend was a woman, and she acted disgusted when she met her, the Original Poster (OP) was pretty sure that something more must have been going on that her boyfriend didn't want her to know about.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for breaking up with my boyfriend because his best friend turned out to be a woman?"
The OP had been with her boyfriend for two years but never met his best friend.
"I (25 Female) recently ended things with my boyfriend (29 Male) of two years, and I’m starting to second-guess if I blew things out of proportion."
"For the entire time we were together, he constantly talked about hanging out with his best friend. He always referred to this person by a nickname or just 'my friend.'"
"Whenever they went out for drinks, hikes, or hung out at each other's places, he used he/him pronouns or kept the language completely gender neutral."
"I never pressed him on it because I trusted him completely."
But then the OP found out it was all a lie.
"I found out the truth yesterday when I ran into him at the mall. I was surprised to see him there, and he looked like he was waiting for someone."
"When he saw me, he tried to act surprised and claimed he was waiting for me, which made no sense because he didn't even know I was planning to go shopping yesterday."
"Then, a woman walked up to him and told him she was done shopping, and they could go."
The OP was shocked by how her boyfriend's friend responded to meeting her.
"The worst part? She looked at me, rolled her eyes, and grabbed his hand to pull him away."
"My heart just dropped."
"He was starting to introduce her as his best friend, and I just turned around and walked away. I went home and spent the night trying to process how the person I thought was perfect could lie to me for two years."
The OP couldn't look past the lie.
"This morning, he came over to my place to talk. I let him in because I needed to hear his explanation."
"When I confronted him, he told me I was being insecure and overthinking. He claims he only hid her gender because he knew I would react exactly like this and that they are just friends."
"My issue isn't that he has a female friend. It's that he went out of his way to hide her existence and her gender for two whole years."
"To me, that is active deception. If they were just friends, there was never a reason to lie."
"I feel like the foundation of our trust is permanently broken, so I ended it on the spot."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some pointed out to the OP that if the guy really cared about her, she should have met his inner circle much sooner.
"For future reference, if a guy really likes you and you live in the same area as him, it won’t take two years to meet his people." - Gullible_Fun_1410
"In my experience, when a guy likes you, he is happy to lock it down."
"He is teeing up the next date after the first, without leaving you hanging. He is inviting you to drinks with so-and-so or to one of his mates' birthday parties in three weeks."
"He is deliberately making choices where you know he wants you to take him seriously."
"'Waiting for you' at the mall? 'Just his best friend' after all this time? Please." - HedyHarlowe
"I met my husband through one of his best friends, and that was one of the last times he ever got drunk. I asked him why once, and he said, 'I know I get f*cking stupid when I drink, and I'd rather not risk you.'"
"Yes, we do drink together, but we usually try to keep it in moderation."
"NOR. It shouldn't take years for you to meet anyone that's important to him unless they live in different states. I met all my husband's family on both sides within the first two months. He couldn't wait to show me off and have me meet everybody." - XIXButterflyXIX
"I met my husband's whole family at his brother's birthday party three days after we first hung out (he had a date planned for day two). And this was on the heels of his divorce and after he swore he'd never date seriously again, let alone get married. He semi-seriously asked me to marry him two weeks later."
"This was 15 years ago, and we're awesome. When you know, you know. And when you're serious about a person, you act on it." - BangarangPita
"NOR. My husband invited me to hang out with his friends on our second date. Maybe a little early, but it was such a green flag to see who he hung out with (they’re all amazing people, and I’m now friends with all of them, too)."
"Good people don’t hide you away from other good people. They should want you to be a part of their life and their support system." - InevitablePain21
Others who had friends of the opposite sex stated that they prioritized introducing their partners to their friends, to make sure everyone was comfortable and suspicions were dismissed.
"I have a male best friend as a woman. When he got a girlfriend, I was desperate to meet her, and it was within a couple of months that I did, and I love her, she's wonderful (and so good for him)."
"No big secrets involved. That's the part that's so suss about this." - robot428
"My bestie has never lied about me, and I was the first person to meet his fiancée after she met his family." - PerseveranceSmith
"I'm a woman with a male best friend. He set up a time for us to meet and was rather adorably nervous about us liking each other; they ended up married with two kids."
"If my best friend hadn't introduced me to his girlfriend of two years, I'd be questioning the strength of our friendship, LOL." - cheapph
"This is not just a friend. My best friend is a male, and he's married, and all the people he's dated have known me as his friend for many years."
"She also didn't respond correctly. Something isn't right here."
"You deserve better, simply for the fact that you deserve someone who isn't deceptive, and even if it's not clear what he's being deceptive about, he clearly is." - Practical_S3175
"I'm a woman dating a man, and my partner’s roommate for ages was a woman. I never once had a problem with it, and she was always lovely when I was around."
"The gender isn’t the problem, it’s the lies and reactions." - BlazingKitsune
Some also agreed with the OP's concerns that something else must be going on, based on how long her ex-boyfriend lied about his friend, not to mention his friend's reaction to meeting her for the first time.
"NOR. If she is a friend only, why did she grab his hand to walk away? She knows who you are."
"He knew for the whole two years that's how you'd react, so that's why he didn't tell yoy? That's called gaslighting." - Illustrious-Tart7844
"Op. NOR."
"When I had just started dating my now husband, he wanted to introduce me to his friends within weeks of us being together. I didn't meet them, though, at that point, but by two years, they were as much my close friends as they were his."
"I feel OP's ex's best friend has been the reason for past breakups, too, and the ex can't draw a boundary with her, hence the deception. That's a him problem, not OP's problem, though; OP deserves better." - Donxxuan
"Sounds like you met his girlfriend."
"It’s super odd that in two years, you haven’t met, considering how much time he appears to spend with her. If you didn’t meet or at least see each other on a FaceTime... Just some type of interaction, it’s obviously on purpose."
"No friend should ever feel that comfortable being that obnoxious and dismissing you, dragging him away."
"The way it sounds is like she knew he’d go, and I guess he did? You walked away, and he stayed with her. Even if my boyfriend's friend had the balls to disrespect me like that, I’d d**n well expect my boyfriend's reaction to be an instant, 'What the f**k, bro?'" - Time_Watercress8749
"My guess was that this was his wife and they're in some weird open relationship."
"That, or the friend was a convoluted plan to keep you away from several other women through the years. If she really is his best friend, he had no reason to keep her a secret, and if she's his 'best friend,' they should get together and not drag other people along and make this messy for everyone." - EatThisShirt
"You sure that's not his girlfriend?"
"1. Never meeting your partner's friend for two years is a huge red flag."
"2. Meeting that person and they dismiss you instantly is a huge red flag."
"3. Him gaslighting you about their gender for two entire years is a huge red flag."
"4. Him gaslighting to your face about him meeting you at the mall is a huge red flag."
"5. Him making himself the victim and saying how you reacted to the incident was why he never opened up to you about her is the biggest red flag of all."
"You should never, ever, ever, ever, EVER speak to this man again." - snortgigglecough
There's nothing wrong with having a friend, or even a best friend, of the opposite sex, but it's important to be open about that when dating to avoid any suspicion or ill feelings.
The fact that the ex-boyfriend lied about it, and his friend had such a disgusted reaction to the OP, suggested there was plenty for the OP to be suspicious about, and she was better off moving on.
