When people decide that they want to have children, part of their decision should be considering what they currently like to do, like travel, and how their children will fit into that picture in the future.
Because like it or not, having children will change a person's life, and it will change how they plan and prioritize things, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Turbulent-Wolf9461 was a father of two, and his brother was a father of five, and they were very open and honest with each other about their experiences as a father, from the most uplifting and funny moments to the most frustrating and difficult.
But when his brother started to complain about not being able to travel as much as he would like, the Original Poster (OP) quipped that he shouldn't have had so many kids, and he was surprised by his brother's reaction.
He asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for telling my brother that he shouldn't have had five kids if he wanted to go on as many holidays as my family does?"
The OP had a family while also being able to continue traveling.
"I (35 Male) have a wife (35 Female), and we have two children (7 Female and 3 Male)."
"My brother (37 Male) has a wife (37 Female), and they have five children (10 Male, 8 Female, 6 Male, 4 Female, and 1 Female)."
"My brother and I are both high earners; we earn a similar amount of money each year. So it's not like there is a huge financial divide between us."
"My wife and I could afford to raise a large family; however, we decided to stop having kids after our second child was born."
"Mentally, we know that we could only handle raising two human beings, and we want to give the two kids we have the best life possible."
"We live in England; we comfortably live in our three-bedroom house, and we have a standard five-seater car."
"But with the money I earn, I love to take my family travelling. We are able to afford to travel multiple times a year, and we travel during the school holidays, or whenever there is a bank holiday, we try and go on extended weekend trips."
"I am self-employed, so I can afford a good chunk of time off as long as I plan my finances correctly."
The OP's brother struggled to balance the size of his family with other things he enjoyed.
"My brother and his wife decided to have five kids, which is fine. They can comfortably afford to raise five kids, and they don't struggle as a family."
"They manage to go on holiday once a year, which is a privilege itself."
"But my brother has less money at the end of each month because providing for a family of seven is naturally more expensive than providing for a family of four."
"So this means he doesn't have as much money to travel as much as my family does. And I also don't think he has the mental energy to take five kids on a trip so frequently."
"Whereas my wife and I tend to find travelling with only five kids fairly manageable (especially now my youngest is three), because there are two parents and two kids, so we aren't outnumbered."
"Plus, as a family of four, my wife and I tend to be able to find holiday packages, and we are able to book trips at a much more reasonable price, whereas my brother would have to pay a lot of money just for one trip for seven people."
The OP's brother revealed how jealous he was of their differences.
"Today I didn't end up working because my wife had to rush off to her parents' house last minute, and she couldn't take our three-year-old son with her whilst my seven-year-old was at school. So I took my son to my brother's house so he could play with his cousins."
"Whilst I was there, I had to quickly check an email regarding a ski trip I just booked for February. My brother asked what the email was for and I told him about the ski trip."
"He then scoffed and went on a whole rant about how lucky I am, that he wishes he could travel as much as we do, and that I really take my luck for granted."
"By the way, he and I earn basically the same amount of money per year."
The OP decided to be honest with his brother.
"Here's where I might be the AH. I shrugged and said, 'I'm no luckier than you are financially. I just didn't have five kids. If you wanted to go on more trips, you shouldn't have had five kids.'"
"He laughed. By the way, I said this after a five-minute-long rant about why I am apparently so much luckier than he is. I was slightly annoyed by the end of his rant."
"But my son and I left the house an hour ago so I could go and pick my daughter up from school; that's when I received a text from my brother. He said what I said to him was really uncalled for."
"I should add that we are both British, and me saying, 'You shouldn't have had five kids' was very much said in a joking tone. British banter is a different level of banter. He has said to me in the past things like, 'Well, you shouldn't have had kids,' or, 'That's what happens when you have two kids,' if I've complained about parenting. That's our banter."
"I've never been offended when he has said things like that. So me saying this didn't seem like a big deal at the time from my perspective. Because we joke about things like this all the time."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some agreed with the OP's feedback and didn't see it as particularly harmful.
"Uncalled for? Sounds like simple math to me! NTA." - Top-Bit85
"My stepson’s mother has enough children to field a baseball team. Sometimes she’s stressed because of the lack of time that comes with a big family."
"Whenever she tells me that she feels like she’s falling short in something and she feels like she’s failing something, I point out that it’s literally a math issue."
"Or I use the spinning plates analogy my psych professor told us in college when she feels she’s not paying enough attention to one thing because of another. Also effective." - Icky-Tree-Branch
"Facts are facts. Actions have consequences. It isn’t rocket science; it is math…"
"You were honest and direct; but people don’t usually take the truth well, especially when it means they can't push the blame off on someone else... NTA." - MaryinTexas
"NTA. My husband and I are in a similar boat. We stopped at one."
"Could we afford more? Sure, but then we couldn't live the lifestyle we want or give them the chance to do as many activities."
"To each their own, but this mattered to us." - Leading_Line2741
"NTA. As a person with three, even just having a third kid makes travel much more inconvenient as almost everything is best suited for a family of four. Travel packages, vehicles, flights, you name it, and it's all about the even numbers two and four. If you love to travel, two kids is the way to go." - toastedmarsh7
Others pointed out that the OP and his brother both made choices, and it sounded like they were building great lives for how they'd decided to live it.
"NTA. Having kids is a choice."
"Being able to offer a good standard of living to 5 kids, plus an annual holiday, is a good standard of living. The balance between lifestyle and number of children is not a secret."
"You said that you have very similar incomes, so it's very apparent between you how those different lifestyle choices balance out."
"If you had been rubbing his face in it, then you would be the AH, but it sounds like he has a touch of the green eyed monster and would like his family size and your disposable income, and I don't think it was unreasonable to point out that he chose his path, and you chose yours, and the disparity is a natural consequence of two different sets of priorities." - True_Peanut_8092
"There's a famous saying about comparison being the thief of joy."
"One holiday a year with his family is a definite privilege; there's plenty that don't manage that with only a couple of children, or without children. Maybe he needs to pause and take a moment to look at what he has to be grateful for rather than the things he is jealous of." - Noble_Ox
"And later in life, the enjoyment of one's adult children in a large family can be tremendous. He may be sacrificing a bit now to enjoy great things in the future!" - SupermarketWhich7198
"If you want fewer children to provide for, it's called 'birth control,' not 'luck.'"
"Your brother is an idiot, who sounds like he slightly resents not getting a vasectomy now that he has to provide for all those children he made." - _____krb
"NTA. I know people who have five kids and would NEVER say something like that because they knew and wanted what they were getting into."
"I know another couple who should have stopped at two and always complain about this kind of thing and throw their kids in your face at every stop. They complain about parenting all the time and throw in, 'You wouldn't know, or must be nice, or you wouldn't understand.'"
"No, I DO understand how hard it is; that's why I didn't do it. I had other plans that I wanted to keep alongside having children. The choice is yours!" - grapefruitviolin
The subReddit could understand the OP's brother's frustrations but were totally on the OP's side.
While the truth can hurt, this was definitely a truth that the OP's brother already knew. If travel was a priority, fewer children would make that easier and more affordable, and no amount of complaining would change that.
