Crashing a wedding is rarely a good idea.
Crashing funerals?
That's even more frowned upon.
Often, when there is so much tragically left unsaid, people tend to think they can find peace at the funeral.
But often, that is the last place to go.
Redditor Intrepid_Deal_3534 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for telling my daughter she doesn’t have the right to mourn or go to her ex friends funeral after what she did?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"New account since my daughter knows my other account."
"When my daughter was in school, she became friends with a girl named Kelly."
"They stayed close through college, and my daughter was even one of Kelly’s bridesmaids when she got married."
"To explain where my daughter’s behavior came from, my ex-husband cheated on me repeatedly, and our marriage ended horribly."
"My daughter doesn’t speak to her father anymore, and she absolutely despises cheating."
"About seven years ago, my daughter became convinced that Kelly was cheating on her husband."
"She started harassing Kelly online and essentially blew up her life."
"By the time my daughter found out that the man she had seen Kelly with was actually a relative (they were at a fancy restaurant together), it was too late."
"Kelly’s marriage had already fallen apart, and because we live in a very religious community, she was ostracized by many people."
"They had a huge falling out, and it basically came down to my daughter ruining Kelly’s life."
"Kelly blocked her on everything and eventually moved away."
"Kelly hated my daughter after that, and so did her mother."
"I still run into Kelly’s mother occasionally, and she has made her feelings about my daughter very clear."
"The issue is that Kelly recently passed away."
"My daughter found out through a Facebook post, and the funeral is this weekend, two states away."
"My daughter was planning to attend the funeral, and I told her that I thought it was a terrible idea."
"She said she needed to go, and I told her again that she shouldn’t."
"We got into an argument, and she said she had every right to mourn her friend and attend the funeral."
"I told her that she really didn’t have the right to mourn Kelly or go to the funeral because Kelly hated her after everything that happened, and because my daughter had destroyed her life."
"She hasn’t spoken to me since."
"Now I’m wondering if I should warn Kelly’s family that my daughter might show up at the funeral."
"Or that I might be in the wrong here?"
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Her
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"NTA, but your entire community is, and your daughter too." ~ scienceislice
"Your daughter needs to get acquainted with reality."
"She very loudly and publicly destroyed her friend's life over nothing."
"Then, when she realized her error, she practically whispered an apology into the void."
"It's wild she thinks she'd be welcome at the funeral, or even to still refer to this person she destroyed as a friend."
"Did she ever even apologize to her friend, or was that Facebook post supposed to cover that too?"
"Tell her she didn't have a friend, she had a victim."
"And that when every single person who heard that lie has been told and believes the truth, only then will she have a right to visit her former victim's grave."
"That should shut the little coward down." ~ 1pinksquirrel1scotch
"I think maybe you need.to talk to your daughter about entitlement."
"Funerals are for the living, not the dead."
"She can easily mourn at home."
"Maybe light a candle with your daughter for Kelly."
"Have a toast and reminisce with her about good memories, but she will only hurt the people whom Kelly still loved and trusted by attending."
"I get you daughter was hurt over your relationship, but maybe consider therapy."
"The fact that she is so angry, she felt she had the right to ruin someone's life."
"She believed seeing two people in a restaurant automatically meant cheating."
"That's some crazy logic."
"Also, you claim they were friends, but she didn't even ask Kelly for an explanation or believe her."
"Your daughter needs to realize this isn't about her or her trauma, and she has to stop projecting onto others." ~ FluffySuperDuck
"Spot on."
"The daughter ruins this girl’s marriage over a complete assumption, the community turns their backs on Kelly, and now the daughter wants to play the grieving best friend?"
"Absolutely not."
"She’s looking for absolution, but a funeral isn’t the place to chase a second chance at forgiveness, especially from someone who died hating you. NTA." ~ amber_frostvalee81
"Real talk."
"My heart breaks for Kelly."
"Imagine having your life destroyed by a 'friend', getting exiled by your whole town, and then having that same ex-friend show up at your funeral for 'closure.'”
"OP definitely needs to warn the family so they don’t get ambushed on one of the worst days of their lives." ~ paper_briarhill36
"Grief is a fickle thing, but NTA."
"She ruined someone’s life."
"Your daughter can mourn, if she so chooses, but not at Kelly’s funeral."
"There is a time and a place, and that ain’t it." ~ shakeygal
"Totally agree that OP should warn the family."
"For the family’s sake, it might also be worth suggesting to her daughter the 'compromise position' of visiting the grave the day after the funeral?"
"That way, the daughter has some (totally selfishly motivated) means of paying her 'respects' but not at a time the family is likely to be there." ~ FiftyShadesOfGregg
"NTA, it’s very selfish of your daughter to attend or want to attend if it will upset Kelly’s family."
"Your daughter may want to think about how she treats others and course-correct." ~ doomgeneration91
"NTA, but your daughter is f**king delusional to think she has a right to be there."
"If she wants to mourn, she should do so in private for sure."
"Behind closed doors. Quietly."
"And not cause further distress to a family she has already f**ked over once." ~ Kitchen_Algae7554
"NTA. This funeral is for Kelly’s family and the people who actually loved her."
"Your daughter harassed and basically destroyed her life for nothing."
"She’s not owed anything by Kelly’s family and should not attend."
"Tell Kelly’s family she’s planning to attend, so they are not blindsided."
"They should have someone willing to step in and get her to leave."
"She doesn’t get to harass Kelly’s family either." ~ Total_Poet_5033
"So many as*holes here."
"You are NTA."
"Your daughter wants to go to the funeral for selfish reasons."
"None of Kelly’s family or friends will want your daughter there."
"And shame on Kelly’s community for treating her so horribly without getting the facts."
"I hope she died peacefully, and it had nothing to do with that situation." ~ Expensive-Day-3551
"This story sounds like bulls*it."
"A whole town is going to ostracize a person who wasn’t cheating based on your daughter’s gossip?"
"And then the icing on this cake of poo is that it’s because the community is very religious".
"If your daughter was such a good 'friend' to Kelly, why didn’t she talk to Kelly before trashing her all over town via gossip?"
"Also, you had the opportunity to discuss with your daughter that not all people cheat."
"You could have prevented your daughter from having this strong reaction and then gossiping and ruining Kelly’s life by teaching her about how to have a conversation before gossiping."
"So many a**holes here… you, your daughter, and us by default for having to read your fake story." ~ ElevatorOtis
"NTA. As someone who has lost many people, people react differently to grief ànd there is no wrong way to mourn EXCEPT making someone else’s death about you, which is exactly what your daughter is doing."
"She can mourn privately, but not only did she ruin her friend’s life, she now wants to ruin her funeral?!"
"Tell your daughter that if she decides to continue being profoundly selfish, she leaves you no choice but to warn Kelly’s family she intends on being there so they can handle the situation discreetly and ensure the funeral is about Kelly, not your daughter’s drama." ~ Ok-Gap-5262
"NTA. Your daughter wants to go for her own guilt, not to offer solace to the family or to remember the deceased with others."
"She should not go, and you are not wrong for telling her that."
"I don't know if warning them is the best option; they’re already dealing with a lot, and the anticipation of what might not happen might be worse than your daughter just showing up and getting kicked out."
"I do bet she has some trauma around the cheating, and maybe y'all could benefit from a deeper conversation about what happened, or maybe therapy." ~ scoodiloo
"NTA, your daughter blew up her 'friend's' life based on an incorrect suspicion."
"If she had done that to my child, and she turned up at the funeral, it would not have ended well."
"She did not have the right to go."
"Mourning is about the loved ones of the deceased."
"Your daughter was not Kelly's loved one.'
"Far from it."
"And it seems that she has learned little from the experience of destroying her friend." ~ Dogmother123
"NTA, it wouldn't be fair to Kelly's family if your daughter were to show up."
"She needs to deal with her feelings about Kelly in private." ~ Fiery_Feline2941
Reddit backs you up, OP.
It sounds like your daughter may need some professional help.
This family should be able to mourn in peace.
You're trying to be frank with everybody.
Good Luck.
u/Prestigious-Focus63/Reddit
