Not every friendship is right for every activity. Your gaming friends might not be the best crew for a night at a club. The people you love clubbing with might the worst people to take camping.
But what if one of your friends wants to be your go-to person for an activity even though you don't enjoy doing that activity with them?
A woman turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback over incompatibility with a friend.
Nervozni_cvit asked:
"AITA because I don't want to travel anymore with my friend?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Over the past year I (30, female) and my friend (31, female), have been on two trips together, each lasting five days. On both trips, I was the one who lowered my standards for the sake of our friendship."
"I accepted lower-quality accommodation (sharing a room and bathroom, and later staying in a studio apartment even though I would have much preferred having my own room). I agreed to eat at restaurants with limited menus where meals were around €15, and we mostly went to bars with the cheapest alcohol because I wanted to accommodate her and her budget."
"After all of that, I constantly had to listen to her saying how much money she had spent, how financially drained she was, how everything was expensive, how she had no money left, and so on."
"It makes me feel bad for two reasons. First, because I didn’t prioritize my own comfort even though I could have afforded to and should have. Second, because I feel like she’s making me feel guilty about money, even though I never pressured her to spend beyond her means."
"I also suggested that if there were things we wanted to do separately, we could split up for an hour or two each day so we could each enjoy the activities that interested us. Unfortunately, that wasn’t an acceptable option for her."
"She’s already planning a third trip together, but I don’t want to travel like this anymore. Tried to tell her indirectly that I'm not traveling anymore, but she just laughed because she knows I live and work for travel."
"I absolutely love culture, history, architecture, museums, and food. When I travel somewhere new, I really immerse myself in the destination."
"I spend weeks researching it beforehand, and that preparation makes the whole experience even more meaningful. I usually visit one or two museums or attractions every day when I travel."
"On our last two trips, I visited only one museum in total."
"I also love cooking, so I really enjoy exploring different restaurants and trying as many dishes as possible. Some of the meals I discover while traveling end up becoming part of my regular cooking repertoire at home."
"AITA for not wanting to travel with her anymore?"
The OP later added:
"These were her first and second trips ever. She doesn't have a boyfriend, all of her other friends are married, and she really doesn't have anyone for travel. I know that is not my problem, but I feel bad."
"I tried suggesting that we split up for a few hours the first time when we were on a trip. Right after I told her I wanted to go see a particular attraction, she had what seemed like a mini panic attack."
"She asked me to stay with her because it was our last day and she wasn’t feeling well. I accepted that because she really didn’t seem to feel well, and we had walked a lot that day, so it felt completely reasonable at the time."
"But on our last trip, I asked her twice if we could spend just a few hours separately and then meet back up for lunch so we could spend the rest of the day together. She immediately said that wasn’t cool because we had come there together."
"She asked what she was supposed to do on her own, said her phone battery was low, and came up with several other reasons why we shouldn’t split up. I just felt like there was always an excuse whenever I wanted a little time to myself."
"I travel 3-4 times a year, 15-20 days in total."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA, you can be compatible as friends without being compatible as travel partners." ~ CharrAnn
"My friend and I do a girl's trip every year. We go with her budget. I do the research and book the hotel. Plan the excursions and so on."
"I earn more than her, but I'm happy budget travelling with her and luxury travelling with my husband. I enjoy our budget trips and having to explore further out for cheaper places means I walk more and see more of the city than when we stay central."
"I have been to Krakow twice and when we went, there was nothing better than a hot pretzel for 20 zloty to start the day."
"NTA for not enjoying it OP if it isn't your style. Being friends doesn't mean you should enjoy the holidays if you're uncomfortable, though speak up and say either we plan what we both want or you don't travel together again." ~ fergie_89
"I learned entirely too late in life that you have friends and you have friends you travel with. They are not necessarily the same people!" ~ Sad-Cap1136
"NTA. Just tell her, 'Our holiday expectations are too different - this doesn't stop us from being friends, I just prefer to travel alone'."
"Rinse. Repeat."
"Explicitly state you won't travel again, but do not get into details or arguments. Be firm that she is not to book anything on your behalf, end of." ~ TeenySod
"Just be gentle. Sadly, money is an issue in a lot of people’s lives. I am the first one to do what I can to live my life as full as possible. If I can have a vacation, I’ll do it."
"Unfortunately, I do have a budget, and I get it. It sounds like you’re not doing things you like to do, regardless of money. Museums and lots of food….. so just the fact that you want to do other things than she does is OK, but you are resenting her because of it."
"You can compromise instead of only doing the things she wants to do. That is on you for letting her dictate what you can or cannot do."
"I would plan a vacation without her or with an additional friend to split up and do other things. I personally wouldn’t want to go experience things new by myself."
"I commend her for going on vacation when money can be an issue….. I was always struggling to pay for things and didn’t enjoy my life. Now I’m older, and kids are grown up and moved out, and I got multiple cancers without seeing the things I wanted to see."
"You're both young, enjoy your vacations and move on to a different travel buddy, or she needs to learn to compromise so you can do things you enjoy too." ~ Kiddy_Meow
"NTA - But be direct; her feelings may be hurt, and she may lash out, but some friends are not traveling friends. My best friend in the whole world who I love more than most family members is not someone I travel with because he is a picky eater and I eat everything and want to try all the things."
"You can still do a trip or 2 with her but set your boundaries and enjoy yourself." ~ BusinessForeign7052
"I once talked to a friend about traveling in Europe together. He talked about stuff he wanted to do, like electronic music concerts. I mentioned that I was interested in going to listen to a symphony orchestra."
"It was like I could hear one of those 'record scratch sound effects' in his brain the moment I said that. We never traveled anywhere together."
"I would have been willing to do stuff he wanted to do, but he was the kind of person who wanted things his way only. You need to sync on some level if you're going to travel together, and it doesn’t sound like you do, and she's not willing to let you do you for even an hour. NTA." ~ Gurglaren
"NTA. It does get draining listening to people complain about money on vacation. Vacation is a totally frivolous and unnecessary expense, so if you have money trouble, maybe don't travel until you get it fixed?" ~ Calm-Strawberry627
"You can absolutely travel and enjoy vast experiences on a budget, but if you are going to do that, you either do it alone so you can maximize value for money, or..."
"You travel with a person also used to cheap travel so you have something in common; that way it becomes fun to find the most bang for the buck."
"But if you have money to burn, sites to see and want to enjoy it all, then travel alone or with someone with the same mindset."
"So it's all about the correct travel partner." ~ affemannen
Friendships aren't one-size-fits-all. If OP doesn't enjoy traveling with their friend, it's OK to stop doing it.
If their friend can't accept no as an answer, they're not a very good friend.
