Sometimes people need a quick getaway.
A quick jaunt to an exotic island may just be what the doctor ordered.
And sometimes people need to go alone.
But leaving behind a significant other, even just for a weekend, doesn't always go over well.
Not every partner is going to be on board.
Redditor Key_Replacement987 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for wanting to take a 1-week vacation to Hawaii without my spouse?
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I have 3 weeks of P[ersonal]-Time]-O[ff] left to use for the rest of the year, and after failing, I[n] V[itro] F[ertilisation] my friends invited me to visit and stay with them as a way to cope with the situation."
"I've been dealing with things since April and finally gave up."
"Emotionally, I'm not doing well."
"Clearly, since I'm here typing this out."
"My spouse doesn't think it's fair since he doesn't have time off to go, and I don't want him to miss work and it be unpaid."
"He gets 1 week paid PTO, and he used it as a staycation."
"He's not big on travel."
"If he joins me, then it would cause us to get a hotel, probably a rental car, and increase our expenses."
"I want to go as cheaply as possible."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA, I have a deep dislike for the 'I won't, so you can't either' folks."
"Your spouse is allowed to have a life outside you!!" ~ crazyy_llamaa
"100%. I haven't done IVF specifically, but I did 3 rounds of Clomid (fails) and 1 round of an injectable (forget the name) plus trigger shot and allllll the damn vaginal ultrasounds that went with fertility monitoring, and that was its own level of Hell."
"And that's not even talking about the hysterosalpingogram (HSG) and all the other stuff."
"OP is definitely NTA and should enjoy her trip."
"And if her husband is really against it, then maybe she needs to consider whether she should continue to pursue having kids with him." ~ Sylentskye
"NTA, I have a deep dislike for the 'I won't, so you can't either' folks."
"Your spouse is allowed to have a life outside you!!" ~ crazyy_llamaa
"If you love someone, you should want them to experience the best in life, not hold them back because you're jealous that you don't have the same opportunities they have."
"This summer I suggested my partner join his mom and nieces (who live in a different province) on a trip back home to Central America for a week, and was definitely slightly jealous when they sent home pictures of them jetskiing at the all-inclusive resort they stayed at."
'More than jealous, though, I was super happy to see him having fun and bonding with our nieces, who we don't see nearly often enough."
"My partner encouraged me to take the previous three summers off from school and go on 12-week cross-country camping road trips with my dog."
"He was only able to fly out to join us for a short leg of the journey each time, because he had limited time off."
"It was an amazing gift of selflessness, and those memories are what have held me together after I lost my dog last year."
"I wouldn't have those memories and my dog wouldn't have had the most wonderful last three summers of her life if we had been limited to vacations that we could all do together." ~ Mysfunction
"He's used up his PTO himself while you were working, so the people saying it's unfair are also being unfair."
"Why is it only ok if he uses it to stay home?"
"Plus, you're with friends."
"This isn't a couple thing."
"That said, I can understand why he feels bad."
"You should talk it out with him, maybe plan something for the two of you to do as well, since he's probably not mentally great as well. NAH." ~ Torquip
"NAH, but don't be naive in thinking that just because you aren't an AH, that it won't cause problems in your relationship."
"Hawaii is a pretty big trip and on a lot of people's bucket lists."
"While he may not be big on travel, Hawaii is not just any destination."
"If I were in your spouse's position, I'd be pretty upset and pissed that my partner is going to Hawaii without me."
"It seems pretty clear that you can't really afford Hawaii, but are getting to benefit from having friends."
"There is nothing wrong with that per se, but if I were the spouse who was also dealing with IVF not working for you guys, and my wife left me to go spend time in Hawaii with her friends, I'd be put in a pretty low place."
"I'd struggle with resentment for not being able to go to Hawaii and knowing that my wife would likely not be as interested in returning since she had been there herself."
"I get that he wasn't the one going through the treatments himself, but he still has to live with it being unsuccessful."
"This really will take some good communication between you guys to avoid any fallout." ~ TheDarkHelmet1985
"Um... go. Not even a question."
"A good partner would support you doing something for your mental health, and it doesn't sound like he's sad he's missing out (since he doesn't want a trip like this), but rather he just doesn't want you to have a nice time if he can't?"
"If so, your memories of the trip might last longer than the relationship." ~ Professional_Bite147
"NTA. If this is a healing trip for the soul, surrounded by other women, I would let him know that."
"I would also let him know that this isn't a Hawaii trip in the sense of an exotic, sexy vacation."
"This is you, at your friend's sofa, wine, tears, talking till sunrise rise, etc., the friend just happens to live in Hawaii."
"Plan an exotic, sexy beach vacation with him next year, and ask him if he doesn't want you on this friend's sofa, what locations are he okay with you crashing with a friend and healing your soul?"
"Reminding him that even though the ability to get pregnant and the health of a pregnancy have as much to do with the health of the father as it does the mother, only one of you is doing injections, hormones, and putting your body on the line."
"You both need to grieve this, but only one of you needs to do it physically."
"I am so sorry you are going through this." ~ Bibliophile_w_coffee
"In 2016, I went to New Zealand for a week without the husband and kids."
"My husband was ok with it, and we screen chatted each night so I could say goodnight to the kids too."
"We have been together for 30 years, and it's always me being 'on,' so it was a break with friends."
"You need to be yourself before you are a wife, mother, anything else."
"Your spouse doesn't think it's fair?"
"Apart from sounding just a little childish, your friends are trying to cheer you up."
"It's not about him, and if he wants to go, maybe you guys can go together during his next PTO? NTA." ~ CherryGripe75
"NTA. He doesn't like traveling, but you do."
"Does he expect you to never take your allotted PTO or travel if you can't go without him?"
"I travel every week for work, and my wife has to take more than one trip longer than a week to visit friends."
"This is a 'put your own mask on first' kind of scenario to me." ~ overZealousAzalea
"You're not necessarily the a**hole for wanting to go on a vacation without your spouse, but you're kind of the a**hole for using it as a way to deal with your emotions about something I'm sure your spouse is also having a hard time dealing with."
"I'd probably need more information to really have a say here, but it's definitely something you should have a longer conversation with your spouse about." ~ Leather_Bisexual
"I'm going with NTA."
"It's understandable to need time away."
"However, if your spouse wants to take unpaid leave and go, and you both can afford that, that's their decision."
"If you just want some friend time away from your spouse, that's very reasonable, but be honest with your spouse."
"I wouldn't say it's 'not fair' to go without your spouse at all, but maybe you both need a deeper conversation as to why they think that." ~ kpuza35
"NAH. I can understand you wanting to go on vacation by yourself since your spouse can't go."
"I also understand your spouse not wanting to be stuck at home while you are enjoying yourself on vacation."
"When I was married, I'd leave for a weekend every once in a while, and my ex did too every once in a while, but we mostly did larger vacations together." ~ lakas76
"NTA. You have 2 weeks more than he does."
"He chose to stay home during his one week, and now you have an opportunity to spend a week with your friends."
"I would be fine if my husband went on a golf trip/ whatever with his buddies as long as it was not instead of spending a single vacation with me if I only had one week."
"If it's couples, and if the two of you can afford it, then you should have him with you, even if it's a little more."
"If it's all women, I think that would be no fun for a girls' trip." ~ anditurnedaround
You've been through a lot, OP.
Reddit believes you deserve this trip.
Your husband is just going to have to understand.
It is unfortunate that he doesn't have the PTO to cover it, so you all need to focus on saving rather than spending.
But that is just life.
Go have fun.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp