Planning a major vacation can be quite the undertaking.
When that much time and money are involved, people want things to be perfect.
One thing that can turn it all upside down is the guest list.
Not everybody is approved to join.
Redditor thad1992 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for not wanting my friends' kids to come on our vacation?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I've had the same group of very close-knit friends since Middle school (we are all 34 years old now). "
"Every 5 years or so, we go on a 2-week international trip together."
"It has always been implied that this is an adults-only trip, and this has never been an issue."
"Our next trip is about a year out, and we've all decided to go to Australia."
"After this was confirmed and we started planning, one of my friends (who has a 5-year-old and a 2-year-old) said, 'I'm bringing the kids on this trip, it seems like there are a lot of fun things for them to be included in!'"
"Her husband is also part of the friend group, and he'll be joining as well."
"My other friend, who also has kids (a 4-year-old and a 1-year-old), promptly said, 'Great, then I'll bring mine too!'"
"In the past, these friends have left their kids with their parents,, who both live nearby, so they have childcare options."
"Those of us that don't have kids (the majority - 6 out of the 10 of us), side-barred and decided that we do not want kids going on this trip. "
"It's a very expensive vacation, and we'll need to use our entire paid time off for this, and don't want to spend it on kids' activities."
"We do everything with their kids and love them, and we have never asked them to exclude their kids from anything until now."
"When the kids are around, all of the attention and conversation ends up being kid-related."
"This is ok and something we're used to, but we would not like this to be the dynamic of a 2-week international vacation."
"We brought this up in a delicate way, but the parents of the group are now very offended and are saying, 'So if we can't bring the kids, we're uninvited?'"
"We are now sort of at a standstill."
"It won't work for us to all go and 'do separate things.'"
"The kids will inevitably be at every dinner and every outing."
"We're holding our ground, but it's been a tough situation."
"We are discussing a potential compromise where we cut the trip down to 1 week and go somewhere closer."
"The more the 'no kids' people chat about this, though, the less we want to settle for a trip that we don't want to go on."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Thoughts... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"NAH. This is part of growing up."
"Sometimes the dynamic of the friend group changes."
"You said you’ll need to use most or all of your P[ersomnal] T[ime] O[ff] to go on this trip."
"Do you think it’s any different for those with kids?"
"There’s no way in hell I would use all of my PTO on a trip that my kids weren’t doing with me."
"Once people have kids, their priorities shift."
"That’s not to say that they completely drop their friends from before."
"But friend trips are going to more naturally drop to weekend affairs rather than 2-week international vacations."
"Not only is that a long time to be away from your kids, but it’s a long time to ask someone else to care for your kids."
"They’re not the AH for wanting to spend time with their kids in a fun location."
"You’re not the AH for wanting a kid-free vacation."
"Unfortunately, the choice is most likely going to be to have their kids with you, or you take separate vacations."
"That’s just the way the cookie crumbles." ~ IWantALargeFarva
"NAH. This right here."
"When you have kids, assuming you're an involved parent, you enjoy spending time with them, and you miss them when you're not with them."
"I've been away from my 5-year-old and 2-year-old for a long weekend twice, and that was enough for me."
"Hell, my husband misses them when he's at work and constantly says no to social things bc this time is precious to us, it goes by way too fast, and you'll never get any of it back."
"And I also get that childfree people get to choose not to be around kids."
"Nobody's the AH for any of that."
"If nobody's willing to compromise, maybe the trip could be done in 2 groups, maybe even staggered so everybody can be together for a portion of the trip?"
"I'd also like to add, all of those kids are prime Bluey age. "
"Ain't no way my kids would be ok with missing a trip to Austrailia." ~ mrsderpcherry
"The friends with kids are TA because of the way they handled the situation, not simply because they want to bring their kids."
"They never asked the rest of the group and just announced they were doing it, then got all pissy when the rest of the group naturally rejected that proposition."
"This is prime AH behavior." ~ OkayOpenTheGame
"As a mom myself: NTA."
"This was not the vacation the group planned, and it’s rude to just assume everyone will be ok with kids on the vacation." ~ youshantnome
"Another Mom here, fresh off a week where my kids were with Granny."
"Kids are a lot."
"I love my kids, but getting away for the weekend with just my partner was amazing. NTA." ~ kjbtetrick
"You’re NTA but a bit naive."
"What did you think was going to happen when some of the group had kids?"
"It was never going to be possible to keep the holiday group intact." ~ mailforkev
"Yeah, sounds like it's time for the friend group to transition to maybe shorter and more frequent trips if they want to keep them adults only."
"Like maybe a long weekend away per year instead of a 2-week vacation every 5 years."
"An adults-only weekend is reasonable."
"I wouldn't mind asking my parents to watch my kids for a weekend."
"The dynamic will shift again when the kids are grown, then you can go back to being the empty nesters going on 2-3 week international vacations." ~ MissKhary
"NAH, having access to childcare doesn’t mean that you should leave your kids for 2 weeks to go on holiday."
"Yes, this is everyone’s paid holiday, but that includes the parents."
"At 34, life starts changing, and you’ve done well to have a large friend group do this so often, but things are going to change as people get to different life stages." ~ blebbyroo
"I don’t get how they can say they left the kids before if the oldest of each family is five and four, and the trips are every five-ish years."
"Also, why has it always been assumed no kids?"
"Were there conversations to include the spouses when people started pairing up?"
"I think NAH is correct too." ~ i_was_a_person_once
"People’s priorities change as they have kids."
"It’s ok to not want a child-free trip, but that will mean excluding friends who can’t or simply don’t want to find childcare for it."
"Maybe these group trips, as they were, have run their course?"
"Maybe this signals the beginning of an evolution in your friend group where this current dynamic can no longer be sustained." ~ Ok-Prompt-9107
"This is exactly what I came here to say."
"Having kids does change your life and priorities."
"That’s natural."
"It is natural for adults to grow apart as their priorities and interests change."
"It’s kinda sad, but it’s life."
"As a child-free adult, I would not want to stick with a child’s sleep/play/eat schedule on a very expensive vacation (and Australia is a big, exciting country, with a lot of travel/hiking/sightseeing)."
"Little ones would not be able to do most of the things adults will want to do." ~ Overall_Aspect_5740
"NAH. I think it’s totally reasonable to want to have a child-free trip, but I also totally understand parents wanting to bring their kid and share memories."
"I think you just need to have an honest conversation if you’re compatible to vacation with in the future." ~ susieq2019
"NTA. If the parents want to go on a family vacation, then they should, but they don't get to turn your group trip into that family vacation."
"It's unfortunate, but the parents may be realizing that they'd rather spend their limited time off with their children rather than their friends."
"As a parent, I can't really imagine going on long international trips without my daughter, especially if the trip would take most of our vacation time/budget."
"I'd rather make memories with my kid."
"But for the non-parents, a vacation with a bunch of kids sounds miserable."
"Definitely don't let yourselves be talked into sharing this trip if that's not what y'all want."
"And don't make compromises you won't ultimately be happy with."
"This friend group may be entering an era where the families travel together, and the child-free friends travel together."
"Might be kind of a bummer, but definitely better than people going on trips they won't actually enjoy." ~ thatquietmenace
"NAH. I get three weeks of vacation."
"I would not leave my kids at 5 and below for two weeks to travel internationally, and even if I did, no idea who would have taken them for that long."
"But absolutely understandable to not want kids on your vacation and in no way inappropriate to ask for them not to come." ~ amethystalien6
Reddit understands your feelings, OP.
However, this is what tends to happen when kids come along.
It may just be the new norm, or you'll all make a new norm.
Never an easy conversation to have.
Good Luck.
