Sometimes doing a person a favor leads to resentment.
It's sad, but a lot of people take advantage of their loved ones, giving them help.
Maybe they don't realize they're doing it.
But that doesn't mean a person should just take the abuse.
Redditor AttentionOk6526 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"WIBTAfor not wanting to help my friend with groceries anymore?"
"I (26 F[emale]) have a good friend (28 F)."
"I guess we’ll call her Jane."
"Jane’s household of 4 struggles with bills in general because of poor money management, combined with her B[oy]F[riend] of 10+ years not working."
"They’ve been behind on rent every month for the past 5 months, and I just want to help my friend with some of the burden."
"They have two children, 5 and 7."
"Her boyfriend doesn’t work while Jane works 45 hours/week and provides for the entire household."
"For the past 3 months, I’ve helped Jane buy anywhere from $150-350 in groceries every month."
"And sometimes I get an additional $50-100 in groceries for 'forgotten items,' I really have a soft spot for her two children, who are the real ones suffering."
"Today I purchased $250 in groceries."
"I have a problem with some of the items she’s buying."
"I never say anything because however she chooses to feed her family is up to her, but instead of buying groceries that will last, she’s buying microwaved/freezer foods, snacks, chips, drinks, etc."
"THAT part I only have a slight problem with because it never lasts!!"
"But I do have a problem when she buys things like ribeyes, chuck beef roast, prime rib, and then complains when certain items are out of stock or substituted."
"The best way I could describe how I feel about it is, why buy these items with my money, but when you were buying your own groceries, you shopped very modestly."
"It’s like when you treat your friend to dinner, and they order surf and turf when they’d usually order a burger on their own dime."
"I don’t want to stop being her friend."
"I was just hoping my help would give her a chance to catch up on her rent!"
"But I feel like she’s taking advantage a bit."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So WIBTH if I told her hey, this will be the last time I’m able to get you all groceries?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"She is taking advantage."
"Stop being a doormat!" ~ 16Bunny
"Some people are reluctant to accept government or non-profit help."
"Offer to go with her to the office to sign her up."
"Having you by her side might ease her anxiety."
"That's friendship without being a doormat." ~ Queen_V_1
"Seriously, OP, this is a YOU problem."
"You are, in fact, being a doormat."
"Your friend does what she does because she knows you'll subsidize."
"You're getting all bent out of shape over her spending, but YOU'RE the one enabling it."
"So yes, stand up for yourself and have that difficult conversation with your friend, and stop financially supporting her, but know that it will likely end your friendship."
"I question if she's actually your friend or if she simply views you as her personal ATM."
"You will find out via her reaction to your decision."
"Good luck." ~ sable1970
"YWNBTA! Tell her husband to go to the food bank."
"He’s not working, why does she have to be the one to go get food when she works full-time?"
"Do not buy them groceries anymore; they probably don’t think they are using you, but they most certainly are taking advantage of your generosity."
"Just stop."
"Pick up just a few things on the way over for a visit that are specifically for her children to eat - make them as healthy as possible without being too involved to fix."
"Or pick up something ready-made for them that’s ready to eat as soon as you get there, but for the kids only."
"Don’t buy too much at a time, or I guarantee they’ll eat the children’s food."
"No more for the 'adults,' that’s ridiculous."
"This pisses me off so much."
"They are blatantly taking advantage of you, wake up!"
"Otherwise, she/they wouldn’t be getting steak on your dime."
"You are not doing them any favors because it means they don’t have to make as much of an effort."
"Tell him to get off his ass and get a job!" ~ Various-Language2549
"If you are still inclined to help, buy essential groceries yourself and have them delivered to her address."
"Pick something like eggs, frozen vegetables, canned beans, potatoes, chicken, stuff that doesn't need a long preparation or cooking time, because that might be difficult, but isn't expensive or overly processed."
"I did this for a family where the parents, if I gave money, would spend it on cigarettes and alcohol while the children went hungry."
"So I went shopping myself instead, and understood later from the children that they were actually getting that food." ~ SpiritedLettuce6900
"Here’s what you do… Tell her from now on, boyfriend can come over and do yardwork at your house to earn the money for the food you provide."
"Actually, you could call him and say, 'Hey, I had an idea. I know you feel bad for taking money from me for groceries every month, so how about you come over to my house and work it off by mowing the lawn, painting, and general cleanup. How does that sound?'”
"Would love to hear his response." ~ wordsmythy
"If their money is that tight, they should be checking out the local food banks."
"She should also kick her mooch of a boyfriend out."
"There's nothing wrong with caring about the kids, but it's not your responsibility to make sure they have food on the table."
"At this point you buying groceries has become expected."
"You need to cut that gravy train completely off and save your money for yourself."
"Especially since they're buying premium meat on your dime." ~ Ladybreck129
"If you want to help, drop off a weekly bag with a few fresh fruits, cereal, milk, and staples. Better, help her get signed up for benefits or take her to a food pantry."
"She should not be buying whatever she wants on your dime!"
"Why would her hubby get a job when lovely pushovers like yourself provide free luxury food?"
"Text her now (while you feel confident) and let her know that sadly you’re no longer able to cover groceries anymore, but you’re free on XYZ day to help her get registered with the local food pantry, or send her job links for her hubby!"
"If she argues, then you’ll know where your friendship stands. NTA." ~ ObjectiveRepulsive18
"The children don’t need ribeyes or prime rib to survive."
"I won’t even buy those things for myself."
"She’s definitely only getting those things because someone else is footing the bill."
"I understand not wanting the kids to go hungry, but they don’t need to live in luxury either." ~ ilovemischief
"As heartbreaking as it is, it's really NOT your responsibility."
"Her boyfriend needs to start working, even if it means working at a McDonald's."
"Honestly, the man should be ashamed."
"Stop enabling them."
"And to add insult to injury, it doesn't even seem like she has shown you any appreciation."
"Tell her you can't afford to do this anymore; her reaction will show you the truth. NTA." ~ Capable_Restaurant11
"You should have stopped months ago..."
"It's her fault for staying with a lazy boyfriend."
"Play stupid games, win stupid prizes." ~ Scary_Dot6604
"NTA. If you want to help, drop off some ramen, mac and cheese, dried beans, and rice. Do not continue to hand her up to $500 a month to buy luxury groceries."
"You are allowing her to continue her poor money management and become part of the problem." ~ MagnoliaProse
OP came back to Update...
"Thank you to everyone who assured me that I wasn’t the AH, and while yes, my heart was in the right place for the kiddos, the LAST thing I wanted to do was support a BUM!!"
"I texted her and let her know I’m no longer able to help her with groceries because I couldn’t afford it."
"I left it at that, no explanation, and she said she understood and thanked me for all my help."
"She then proceeded to complain about her BF not helping (I didn’t respond)."
"I really hope she’s able to come up with a solution on her own because it’s not my responsibility to help her be more resourceful."
"I plan on ghosting her if I’m being completely honest."
"I know the type of person she is, and I have no interest in anyyyyy sort of drama."
"I’m at the point in my life where I don’t owe ANYONE an explanation, especially not when you take advantage of a good friend."
"As I mentioned earlier, when I saw her grocery list today, I was IMMEDIATELY upset, and I thought to myself, 'never again.'"
"Thank you to literally everyone, even the people who called me a pushover and a doormat because it’s TRUE!!"
"I don’t owe her any ‘PALimony’ as a commenter mentioned."
"I hope they enjoy that food."
"I can’t keep up with all of the comments/questions, but to clarify, she does not have my card information."
"I would place the order on my phone through the Walmart app, and she would pick it up, but the very first time I bought her groceries, I had it delivered because it was extremely hot outside, and her car doesn’t have AC."
"No Instacart, no DoorDash."
Reddit is with you, OP.
You had to take care of yourself first.
Your "friend" needs to get her life together.
You can't do it for her.
Stay strong.
