When it comes to shared property, it's all fun and games until people want to decide ownership.
Special properties like main homes and vacation homes can become not just a financial burden for families but an emotional one.
That's why so many divorces can get as nasty as they do.
All the good memories are tainted real fast when people start to try and mark their territory.
Case in point...
Redditor Mountain_Cash5850 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to share my vacation home with my in-laws for six months after they sold their house without consulting me?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Background: My husband (35 M[ale]) and I (33 F[emale]) have been married for five years."
"We own a beautiful vacation home on the beach that we built ourselves and use throughout the year."
"My in-laws (60s) have always been welcome guests, visiting for a few weeks here and there, and contributing financially towards maintenance costs."
"Last month, my in-laws suddenly announced they were selling their house to 'downsize' and move into a tiny condo."
"Apparently, they've been secretly harboring this idea for months, never mentioning it to me or my husband."
"They plan to close on the sale in two weeks and then... move into our vacation home for six months while they 'figure things out.'"
"I was floored. This house is our sanctuary, not a retirement home extension."
"We use it frequently, have friends and family booked to visit throughout the year, and rely on the income it generates during peak season."
"My in-laws, on the other hand, haven't lifted a finger on the property themselves and contributed only minimally."
"My husband, bless his sweet heart, is more understanding."
"He feels bad for his parents and believes we can 'make it work.'"
"His in-laws, sensing my resistance, are now guilt-tripping us, claiming they have nowhere else to go and offering to pay 'significantly more' than their usual contribution."
"On one hand, I feel obligated to help family in need, but on the other, this feels like an outrageous imposition on our personal space and finances."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for refusing to let them move in?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA - it is outrageous."
"You'd be well within your right to say no."
"But I'm curious, how is your relationship with them otherwise?"
"How is your husband's relationship with them?"
"What other options do they have?"
"Again, you have every right to say no and it would not make you the AH, BUT is it worth the damage it could do?"
"In other words, are you okay with whatever fall-out occurs?"
"If you end up deciding to let them stay, I would be very clear about how upset and disrespected you feel and that if they ever pull anything like that again, you are gonna have MAJOR problems." ~ Living-Highlight7777
"OP needs to find out what the tenancy laws are where the beach house is."
"If her in-laws get their feet in the door it will take an eviction to get them out again."
"I would ask her husband if he is willing to blow up their marriage just to literally allow his parents to steal their beach home right out from underneath them."
"Because make no mistake about it, once in the house, they have no intention of moving out again." ~ Freya1957
"IT'S A TRAP!!!"
"Their 6-month plan is to never leave."
"Explain the financial burden they are shouldering onto you in detail."
"Ask them if they are able to cover the cost their plans have suddenly created for you."
"If they are not able to cover the cost, ask them where they think the money should come from?"
"Ask them if they are willing to book a hotel and leave when your guests come to town (they aren't)."
"Then ask them why they decided to spring this upon you (so you couldn't say no, obviously)."
"Their only plans are to freeload off of you for the rest of their lives."
"This may be your fate no matter what, the question is, how soon are you going to let them start?"
"60's is pretty young to be dependent on your kids." ~ -Maris-
"That's exactly what I'm thinking."
"There is no condo. It's just OP's holiday home."
"It's never a good idea to mix business with family!"
"I Personally don't think they would even pay the difference from their minimal contribution to a significant contribution."
"In fact they probably would stop paying at all."
"OP because of their history I would definitely make this a hill to die on, they are too used to getting their own way. NTA." ~ Apart_Foundation1702
"I believe your in-laws are intentionally confusing downsizing with outsourcing their living arrangement."
"They will never leave."
"You're 100% right on this one, and also 100% it will create conflict in your relationship with hubby."
"At least if you don't let them move in, you only need to deal with conflict and not your home also being taken over." ~ Cheeseburgers_
"NTA. You depend on income from this property - so what they're trying to do is effectively confiscate a portion of your income to use for themselves."
"They're beyond entitled."
"They're not borrowing the use of the property - borrowing requires first asking and second receiving permission."
"Attempting to take something without asking is stealing."
"Trying to manipulate and/or guilt someone into turning your attempt at 'stealing' something into 'borrowing' it instead doesn't make it any better."
"It's beyond pathetic that your husband supports them in this type of behavior."
"If it was me and they stayed in the guest house, he'd be moving in there with him."
"If you continue to allow your in-laws to walk all over you - with your husband's blessing - it will only drive you apart long term."
"And you'll end up resenting every single year you spend letting them walk all over you." ~ MyHairs0nFire2023
"No f'n way!"
"They SHOULD have had things figured out BEFORE they sold their house."
"How do you know if they even plan on moving out?"
"Where is their furniture going?"
"This would be a marriage-ending decision for me." ~ Ok_Play2364
OP came back with an Update...
"My relationship with them is strained because this is not the first time they have grossly overstepped."
"This had led to many a fight between my husband and me."
"My husband sees no wrong in their behavior and thinks we should just help them."
"Every time they're at the vacation home, they've commented on how much they love it and would love to live in a place like this at retirement."
"So I feel this was a very intentional move on their part."
"Me not letting them stay will create conflict in my marriage, but I'm pretty positive that they will never leave if we let them move in."
"We co-own the beach house."
"We bought it in 2020 when interest rates were super low before houses skyrocketed."
"The in-laws have helped us with projects and pay for a few things but so do my parents."
"So we have never thought of their contribution as anything but help from parents."
"They had their annual 'old farts Christmas party' (their words, not mine) there this past December and had the place for a week free of charge for them and all their guests."
"So they definitely have gotten plenty of use of it."
"We had a come to Jesus moment yesterday, and I was the a**hole to my husband."
"I told him I was done, and I wasn't even entertaining them staying there as it's our business, and this is bad business."
"I basically told him I was over his mom, and it was at the point I'm about to peace out because I can't handle her s**t anymore."
"Previous to this I was no contact with her and would entertain them when they'd come to visit."
"They never stayed at our house as we live relatively close to them."
"He still has no clue if they're truly selling their house, if they're upside on bills, or if they're just a**holes, but I honestly don't care."
"My parents are immigrants and own a restaurant and have worked their a**es off to create a fantastic life for me and my siblings."
"They also taught us the value of money and working hard for the things we have."
"The vacation home was bought cheap but 90% of the renovations were done by me during my free time."
"Renovations are my true love."
"Nursing pays the bills (I love it too, but it doesn't fill the creative cup)."
"I told him he'd lose the house to his parents over my dead body, and if he feels the need to financially set them up, he can do so with the extra money he earns from picking up shifts (also a nurse)."
"Basically, I told him their failure was not an emergency on my part."
"They have always kept up the Jones' and spent exorbitantly."
"So they might be broke, and again, I don't care."
"I have barely tolerated his mom for the past few years."
"I'll be cordial because I was raised well, but I'm over tolerating their nonsense."
"I will say he does see all this crap she pulls, but he was raised that mom knows best."
"He's Puerto Rican so this is partially cultural."
"But, I'm done."
"I worked yesterday and busted my a** and then drove the kids to the beach house last night and picked up dinner, and we are there, and I just thought f**k no."
"So time will tell, but he called his parents and on speaker phone told them they couldn't stay, but the offer to condo hunt is still open."
"But he needs to know the price range and all that jazz."
"His mom cried, and I flipped the phone off."
"So, as of this moment, it's not happening."
"I also told him if it's a problem, he can quit the claim deed for the beach house, and I'll cover the expenses and manage it myself."
"Cause momma don't play."
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
It's your house, your rules.
Hopefully, your husband will step up more.
So stay strong.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp