Being invited to a wedding is a privilege.
Therefore, one would think that invited guests would respect the bride and groom's wishes, but that isn't always the case.
A bride-to-be had an uncomfortable discussion with her stepmother who had a request regarding the wedding reception.
When their conversation quickly went south because of this, she visited the "Am I the A**hole?" subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor DumplingBandit asked:
"AITA for telling my step mother she can't bring her own wine to my wedding?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (29 F[female]) am getting married in a few months."
"A few days ago my step mom asked what alcohol would be at the wedding and I shared that we're doing an open bar with signature cocktails, beer, wine, and liquor."
"She asked what kind of wine would be there and I said I wasn't familiar with the type, but it would be a house red and white."
The OP continued:
"She said she and my dad and our family friends are very particular about the type of Chardonnay they like, and I told her I planned to surprise my dad (who contributed a generous amount to the wedding) by selecting a nice bottle or two of Chardonnay from their specialty wine menu to have just for them."
"She asked if there would be enough for her friends, and I said that the bottles were about $80 each so I was only going to get 2, not enough for many people. (There is no cheaper Chardonnay option on their menu, all of their specialty wine is pretty expensive)."
Things got awkward.
"She then asked if she could bring their own. I told her I would have no idea if she just stuck some in her purse - but she said she was thinking about bringing a cooler with a few bottles."
"I told her that it was a pretty nice venue and she'd feel uncomfortable doing so - would she do this for my cousins wedding (which was super nice) we went to a few months ago? She totally came unglued and stomped off."
The OP shared her assessment of things after the dramatic reaction.
"I was totally calm throughout and really think I was as calm as I typed out here. That said, what she said IMO really reads to me that she thinks my wedding is going to be cheap and her friends are very well off and won't want to drink the crap wine we're serving."
"My dad asked me the same question a few weeks ago and I gave him the same answer, and he was like 'ok cool np'. He and my brother didn't hear this conversation but think I didn't need to say (basically) that she wouldn't do it at my cousins wedding why would she do it at mine?"
"AITA?"
"Edit: I didn't mention it in the post but as many comments have called out, we are not allowed to bring in outside alcohol to the venue. Our venue must provide and serve all alcohol during the wedding."
"When she asked if they could bring their own wine I just said the venue wouldn't allow it, I didn't explain the legality around it though."
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
"NTA."
"Why does she want to make a scene by showing up to a 'classy' venue with a cooler?"
"Give her the venue's details and tell her to call them up and order her own bottles off their wine list, I am sure they will be happy to oblige her at $80 a bottle."
"At that price I am sure her friends will be satisfied, and your stepmom won't be lugging a cooler like she's off to a beer garden party....." – Doktor_Seagull
"But pre-emptively call the venue and warn them it's on her dime, not yours, and make sure they are aware she cannot modify your sh*t at all." – DumbMa**Debater
"NTA for many reasons already mentioned. Also, I want to mention that this is so classless. I have an ex who is from a locally well-known noble family, so his family is very posh and definitely into fine dining, luxury wines, etc."
"No one has ever complained about anything I served when I hosted aperitif or similar. Sure, the wine was an order of magnitude cheaper than anyone would have bought for themselves, but everyone, from SIL to his grandma, was really gracious guests and enjoyed what I could afford."
"Just to say - funny how people can be so hoity-toity about 'we are quite specific with the type of Chardonnay we like' but be lacking in the most basic manners." – DangerousWay3647
"Seriously, it is wildly tacky on stepmom's part. If she's so worried about the friends, stepmom can foot the bill for a few fancy bottles for them too." – j_natron
"And if they're fussy about wine (I am, though I happily drink much cheaper wine than it sounds like these folks do-- I just like red and am apparently hypersensitive to wine that's been open even a hair too long, so I tend to stay away from by the glass wine at a lot of places)...just have a cocktail instead?"
"Like, it's an open bar, and it's one night. Her friends can drink the white wine on offer or find something else for the evening." – lawfox32
"Being that cutesy about wine is...pretentious fakery. People THINK they can tell the difference between 2 buck chuck and a $90 bottle with a score of 98. They can't."
"If you actually do a double-blind tasting, 50% of pp will select the cheaper wine as the better one, and 50% the other. And you keep chasing up the matchings, styles, etc...and NO ONE can consistently choose the so called better wine."
"Even better is some work that found that people will LIKE whatever wine they think costs more. So you get a $90 bottle of wine and replace the contents with two buck chuck, and vice versa, and everyone will suddenly find two buck chuck the BEST WINE EVER."
"Wine is rarely the subject of well-designed studies- but when it is? It is all made up- the mystic, the sommelier stuff, etc. All psychology, not reality. Drink what you like and can afford. There is NOTHING that makes a pricey wine worth it. Not taste, not complexity, nothing. You might LIKE it better- we all have different taste buds. But nothing intrinsic to the wine." – scarybottom
"OP was only planning to buy 2 bottles of the specialty wine for her dad anyway, as a surprise. Sort of like a small 'thank you' gift for his part in the wedding. It's not really any different than the bride/groom giving out thank you gifts to the people who were in the bridal party."
"When my friend got married last year, she gave all of her bridesmaids matching jewelry to wear with our bridesmaid's dresses. A couple of guests noticed we were all wearing the same thing and asked about our jewelry. No one got upset that we were given nicer wedding favors than the other guests 🤷🏻♀️"
"Stepmom is the only one trying to make it a bigger thing and have her friend group be included in the 'better' wine, which is where it would cross the line into having different tiers of drinks for the guests, IMO."
"If stepmom is going to be tacky about it, OP might be better off giving dad the wine to take home at the end of the night." – SomeRavenAtMyWindow
"NTA She can pay to add more bottles to the bar contract, or she can shut the f*** up. Unbelievably rude to drag cooler of your preferred wine to someone else's wedding (unless byob coolers is the wedding vibe!)." – RutabagaConsistent60
"NTA."
"All venues that I know of in the US will not allow you to 'bring your own'. This is because the alcohol has to be regulated."
"That said, I have known one or two places near me that, when asked, a guest brought their alcohol in the case, and the bartender added it to the cooler/refrigerator."
"That way, the bartender was still regulating how much went out, and no one got over-served. This is probably what your stepmom is thinking. But regardless of my experiences, your stepmom should not bring her own wine. She can buy her own $80 bottles all she wants." – k_princess
"NTA. The venue probably has rules about bringing outside alcohol in. That's a big no no most places. Make sure you tell the venue that you are buying only two bottles of wine and no more. You don't want step-mom to think she can just order however many bottles she wants and stick it on the bill." – disney_nerd_mom
Overall, Redditors thought it was audacious of the stepmom to bring in what she believes was more of a bougie wine when the bride already set up a decent reception situation to express gratitude for the guests showing up.
They also thought that lugging a cooler to accommodate her preference was especially tacky.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp