Family traditions serve many purposes for those who continue to hold them.
They might provide a sense of comfort, knowing that you will be surrounded by family doing something you all love every year, month, or even week.
It could also be a way for family members to hold on to the memory of someone gone.
But it should be up to the family to decide whether to continue holding gatherings and honoring traditions in the way they always have.
A woman on Reddit, however, shared her outrage that her brand new brother-in-law tried to shake things up a bit at his second gathering as a family member, so she turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor RareSubstance2543 asked:
“AITA for not serving my BIL before the children, causing a huge family fight?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I(31/f[emale]) am the oldest of 7 with ages ranging from 18-31.”
“6 of us have partners/married.”
“4 of us have a combined 13 children aging between 2 months and 12 years.”
“Our father is still alive but our mother passed away a year ago.”
“We are a pretty traditional family in which women stay home to tend to the home, and men go out to work.”
“While we have a family ranch where most of us live on the property, and we all pitch in.”
“We also have a weekly family dinner at Dad’s house.”
“I do have to say, because I know someone will bring it up, no, we are not Mormon.”
“Now that that’s out of the way, I have a new brother-in-law, Dan(23/m[ale]).”
“Dan and my sister just recently came back from their honeymoon and have started coming to the family dinners.”
“Dan, being the great family man he is, refused to come to any of them before marriage.”
“I’m not 100% sure why and I never really cared to know.”
“I can’t say I really ever liked him, but he had never done anything to cause it.”
“So, our last family dinner. We don’t put all of the food on the table.”
“We have multiple tables so instead, we fix everyone’s plates in the kitchen and everyone comes and grabs it as it’s fixed.”
“As such, we alway fix the kids plates first.”
“The first time Dan saw this, he seemed kind of put off by it but didn’t say anything.”
“The second time it happened, he spoke up and voiced his frustrations, saying the men slave away in the heat all day so they should be served first, that they were hungry.”
“MY dad asked him why would a grown man need to eat before his family got fed first.”
“This quickly spiraled into an argument after emotions ran high.”
“At one point, I finally yelled for everyone to shut up and sit down before telling Dan that until he was the one serving the food, the kids would eat first, and if I had my way, he would be served last at every family event again.”
“The dinner ended pretty quickly after, but now I’m starting to wonder if I should have just fixed him a plate to end the argument.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole.
“No OP, you should not have ‘just fixed him a plate to end the argument.'”
“Dan shouldn’t have started the argument in the first place, especially at your DAD’s house, when your DAD has already told him to quit it!”
“Your response was the right one, including telling Dan that if you had your way, he’d be served last at every family event.”
“NTA” – Legal-Challenge7578
“NTA”
“Dan is new to the family and wants to demand changes to family traditions without earning the capital to ask for them.”
“He asked, anyway, and in an aggressive way that feels like it bordered on being a demand rather than a request.”
“He argued and pushed and made a scene, during which he showed disrespect for your father and for the authority of the women in the kitchen, and in your family, the kitchen is the women’s purview.”
“He didn’t do any of the work related to making or serving dinner but wanted to change the rules to center himself.”
“And you stood your ground, as did your father.”
“You chastised him–mildly–for his lack of manners, lack of respect, and willingness to disrupt the family meal.”
“How could you possibly be the the a**hole here?” – Revolutionary-Dryad
“13 kids under 12 and he wants to feed them last?”
“We always feed the sharks, I mean, the kids before getting food for ourselves if we want to eat in peace” – Procrastination4evr
“Absolutely NTA, individual families do things differently, but I’ve never been to a family gathering where the kids weren’t served first.”
“Point being, when you’re at your house you do things how you like but when you’re at someone else’s house you have got to be a real a-hole to demand things be done the way you want them done.”
“No one wants drama with family, but sometimes a wake-up call is necessary, and it seems like he was in need of a wake-up call.”
“P.s love that your dad was team kids!” – jennic1985
“NTA: Sounds like Dan doesn’t have kids… nobody eats if the kids are hungry.”
“The kids make sure of it for people who don’t know.”
“If someone is hungry and complaining, I toss them a fruit so they stfu”
“Children, old folk, woman, man.. that’s the order.” – Dadbeyondtheglass
“NTA”
“‘…we always fix the kids plates first'”
“YOUR family meal, YOUR family’s tradition…”
“BiL is a guest and new to the family & needs to show some respect.”
“He sounds like an entitled, misogynistic, AH.” – rocking_womble
“NTA- sounds like someone left their mind back in the Puritan age.”
“‘Slave away in the heat…'”
“I’d love to know if he even works outside.”
“He needs to stop acting like a big baby, unless that’s his motivating for making a case to be fed first with all the other kids.” – Alamoraine
“NTA. Even your dad shut down his misogyny.”
“Why should you give in ‘to keep the peace?'”
“Your BIL should learn how to behave properly in someone else’s home.”
“Women are not required to serve men when they have their own two hands and legs.” – Worth_Chemist_3361
“NTA – Dan had no right to come into a situation that everyone else was comfortable with and demand it change to suit him.”
“If he has concerns, he can discuss them with the other adults at a separate time.”
“Instead, he behaved like the biggest baby in the room.”
“You were right to put him in his place.” – Dschingis_Khaaaaan
“NTA. Every family meal was the same in my home.”
“The kids were served first, my wife was next, then myself.”
“I always made sure everyone was taken care of first so no one would go hungry.”
“I knew men who felt the opposite, like Dan, who were only worried about themselves.”
“Those men have no problem watching their family starve ’cause they are self-serving egomaniacs.”
“Dan will learn that his behavior has now earned himself a smaller portion of food, with no chance of seconds.” – messageinthebox
“NTA. Dan is brand-new and an interloper and is pretty bold to demand being served first.”
“Your dad, who is the ‘head of the household,’ said his piece, and that should have been enough.”
“If Dan mentions it again, tell him that since he is being childish, he can be served first with the children since it’s so important to him – but also tell him he absolutely has to sit at the kid’s table for the meal.”
“If he wants to sit at the adult table, he can wait for his food with the rest of the grown-ups.” – Tree_Chemistry_Plz
“NTA”
“For such a ‘family man’ he’s more self-centred than family centred; your dad nailed it on the head right away.”
“Your sister has a tough road ahead.”
“Good luck.” – SaZaH11
“NTA. Always shut down sexist bullsh*t as soon as it crops up.”
“It’s good that your dad got involved on your side.”
“Keep an eye out for your sister because this behavior is likely 10x worse at her house.”
“Honestly the first time I read this, I read that you told him he was now serving the food.”
“Honestly, next dinner he should be in charge of cooking and serving the meal and you can focus on something else.” – C_Majuscula
“But you didn’t start the fight, Dan did.”
“He was arrogant and disrespectful.”
“As another comment read, don’t give in it will only get worse.”
“NTA” – Firm-Molasses-4913
“NTA, my wife’s family has about 70 people in it.”
“When we do family dinners, the kids are always fed first, and then the adults get to fill up a plate.”
“Dan sounds like he may have come from a small family where possibly the ‘men’ of the family get theirs first, and then everyone else gets served….”
“Guess what, Dan? I was a little bit like you, as I was not sure how this was going to work, but I learned how it all gets done.”
“That system was around well before me and may very well be going after I shuffle off my mortal coil….”
“You’re a big boy Dan, learn to adapt…” – SparkyMonkeyPerthish
According to her fellow Redditors, OP has no reason to feel like she’s TA in this situation whatsoever.
Hopefully her brother-in-law will come to accept and even appreciate the tradition held up by his new family.