Some people are incredibly entitled and have an "all or nothing" attitude when they sense that they might not get their way.
Not only is talking to someone when they're in this mental state nearly impossible, but it can be heartbreaking, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Squidwardskeef160 was planning her wedding, and she was struggling with the aspect of who would walk her down the aisle, because she didn't have the greatest relationship with her father or stepfather.
But when she found out her stepfather was badmouthing her and her wedding plans behind her back, the Original Poster (OP) was deeply hurt and didn't want either of the father figures in her life at her wedding anymore.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting if I just cut off my stepdad, since he's threatening to boycott my wedding with his whole family if he can't walk me down the aisle?"
The OP had two questionable and imperfect father figures in her life.
"My biological parents divorced when I was three. My stepdad filled that role for 23 years, but he wasn’t a good man."
"He was abusive to my mom and sister, but mostly kept me out of it because I was the 'favorite.' I grew up with this constant internal tug-of-war needing a father figure, but being terrified of him."
"To give you an idea of the environment: one night my parents got into a massive argument. My mom came to sleep in my room. My stepdad walked in and poured a full bottle of soda all over her while she was in my bed. When I yelled, 'What the heck?!' he literally kicked my bedroom door in, and I had to hide under my bed. Yet, he'd turn around and try to be the assistant coach for my soccer team."
"Meanwhile, my biological dad lives 30 minutes away and has never once asked to see the house I bought (I'm 27, so buying a home on my own was a massive milestone for me). I recently invited him over, prepped a ton of food from scratch, and he texted me at the last minute saying he 'forgot' and canceled. I was left sitting there with all this food."
The OP was carefully planning her wedding, but not everyone was supportive of her vision.
"Because my bio-dad has always let me down, I always assumed my stepdad would be the one to walk me down the aisle."
"My fiancé and I got engaged a few months ago. I wanted my mom and stepdad to be part of the journey, so I invited them to tour a venue I fell in love with. It’s a beautiful, popular vineyard. It's about 20 minutes outside the city, but it offers complete privacy (no houses in the background of the ceremony), AC, a massive field for kids to play, and tons of nearby lodging estates."
"Well, my mom and stepdad are currently going through a divorce. My mom just sent me multiple recordings she captured of him completely trashing me behind my back."
"He was caught saying: 'Not picking a place that is conducive to people coming from all over the country is rude. Everyone is only thinking about the bride and groom and not the guests. When you entertain, you have to think about your guests.'"
"He followed it up with a snarky, 'Come enjoy my day and sit in the shrubs after!' and claimed I don’t know how to entertain and am being 'selfish.'"
"His actual issue? The venue is an hour from the airport, and he wanted his family to have a beach vacation during my wedding weekend. He thinks driving 50 minutes from the beach is "ridiculous" and complained that you have to drive 'past the ghetto' to get to my venue."
The OP felt deeply betrayed, and then her stepdad made it even worse.
"I am so incredibly hurt."
"To make it worse, I just found out he told my mom that if he isn't the one walking me down the aisle, he isn't coming, and he is going to tell his entire family (the family I grew up with and was raised by) to boycott the wedding, too. He completely lacks the ability to handle not having control over my day."
"At this point, I am done. I want to cut both of these men out of my life permanently. Their love and presence have always been entirely conditional on their terms."
"Am I overreacting for wanting to pull the plug on both of them and just have my mom walk me down the aisle?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some encouraged the OP to create a new, wonderful family story of her own with her husband.
"NOR. You never had a great origin family. It is your job to create the new family with your future husband; you will be the matriarch of a great household."
"Why? Because you learned how not to be have a horrible one. Don't look back; cut both of these wastes of humanity off. Maybe help your mother be on her own." - Rambo-u-drw1stblood
"If he wants to boycott, he can. It’s YOUR day, not his!"
"Learn from this, and do better with your new family." - Lonely_Duck8409
"You are surrounded by idiots who only prioritize themselves."
"If your stepdad can pull rank and that side don’t turn up cos he isn’t invited, I would rethink my relationship with that side anyway."
"You’re a grown-a** adult, and you can make decisions for your own life, and you don’t need to consider anyone else’s thoughts or feelings."
"As for your bio dad, well, he's shown you who he was many times. I wouldn’t even give him the satisfaction of seeing me in my best moment in life; he didn’t make you who you are, so he barely could be bothered to even contact you."
"Both of them and anyone who doesn’t like your decision to not include them in your special day don’t deserve to be part of your next stage of life. Aka as a homeowner, a wife, and in the future a mother (if that’s something you wish for)."
"Stop giving to people who don’t give anything back. Prioritize you, your future, your happiness and most of all your mental wellbeing. These people are sucking the life outta you."
"Time to cut off and look to the future!" - Jellykins_515_1661
"NOR. Also, everyone in the family knows what this guy is. He doesn’t own the rest of the family. Let them decide for themselves. Most will likely choose to celebrate with you. Maybe they’ll be relieved he won’t be there." - Apock-
"Listen, OP: If any of his family refuses to come because of this, that's for the best. You don't need them there, including the bridesmaids. Especially bridesmaids, right? Why would you want toxic family enablers to be part of your intimate wedding party?"
"So... ask bridesmaids if the disinvitation of your stepdad will make it impossible for them to be part of your party, then cordially exclude them if they say yes. Invite the family, but make the RSVP date early enough that you can adjust the number of guests and what you have to pay the venue before it starts costing you."
"Only have people at your wedding who actually care about you. It's your day, not theirs."
"NOR at all." - Sufficient-Lie1406
Others pointed out that the OP's new life should start with walking down the aisle alone or accompanied by her husband.
"My dad died when I was young, and my mom and I have a complicated relationship, so my husband and I walked down the aisle together. I also hated the idea of being 'given away' as though I wasn't my own full person." - SamiGod1026
"I’ve been saying for ages that this walking down the aisle with father has to stop. It is rooted in a time where women were mere property. The father takes his property to groom and transfers ownership. Women should be asserting their independence and personhood by walking down the aisle on their own." - platypusandpibble
"I chose my husband, without anyone in my 'family' being a part of it. In our case, the actual ceremony was a formality. Most of them met him the day after the wedding, even. It didn't go over well with some of the more controlling relatives."
"Oh well. I've never seen them again, so it wasn't a big deal." - popchex
"Invite who you want to be there. Ask the bridesmaids you want. Anyone who listens to him is not someone you want at your wedding anyway."
"Please have your mom walk you. Do not allow him to threaten you. It's up to you if you want to pre-emptively un-invite him (I would after that temper tantrum, and your mom and sister would probably prefer he not be there) - just take away his power and call his bluff." - mustrememberthis709
"Stop worrying about what others think. Tell stepdad your decision of who’s walking you down the aisle early; you won’t have to scramble for replacement bridesmaids."
"Walk with yourself or mom; do what makes you happy. Send invitations early, and if they RSVP no, so be it. At least you know where they stand."
"Don’t let anyone hold your wedding hostage; do you. Use the money you planned on spending on their food/be dressed for security. Make your day as stress-free as possible."
"Get the invites out so you’ll have a semi-accurate count for food and such. And congratulations! Keep us posted." - JuliaM24k
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
"Well, things just escalated. My mom just shared with him that she sent the videos and how I’m aware and not inviting him."
"I just received a long message from him that I didn’t read yet, but the first part said, 'I owe you some sort of explanation.'"
"I didn’t go further; I’m not ready to see it. I’m standing my ground, but goodness guys, I just wanted a peaceful weekend."
"Thank you for all of your comments. I noticed someone saying to have me walk down by myself or both me and the groom together."
"My fiancé’s family and mine make me feel like it needs to be that way, so this is giving me a lot of confidence to just completely be on my own. I was alone most of my life, getting myself out of poverty by myself to a stable environment, and it’s been mostly my fiancé and I who’ve done pretty much everything to get us where we are now."
"So you’re right that they never had a major role in our lives."
"My mom is a whole different story. She has too many mental problems (probably from being with my two shitty dads), so nothing about my family is normal, so the wedding shouldn’t be, either."
While the wedding planning might not be "normal" or even what the OP originally expected, it was actually a good thing that she was finding out who was on her side and rooting for her now, rather than carrying them into the future with her.
It might hurt now, but the actual wedding day would be so much better with a curated guest list of loyalty and love, and it would only make the OP's and her future husband's future feel that much brighter.
