Anyone who wants to get married someday likely has some kind of vision in mind of how they would like the day to go.
It can be heartbreaking when a vital part of that vision cannot be played out, like a significant person passing away before the special day, agreed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor DiligentDefinition33 knew that the only person who could walk her down the aisle on her wedding day without making her unhappy was her father, who had passed away.
When her stepfather was hurt by this and her mother insisted she was being rude, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was being selfish about what she wanted on her wedding day.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for turning down my stepdad's offer to walk me down the aisle?"
The OP made the decision to walk herself down the aisle on her wedding day.
"I (27 Female) have chosen to walk down the aisle alone on my wedding day."
"The decision was made for two reasons. My dad died when I was seven, and he would be my number-one choice if he were alive, but he's not. Also, my mom has made it perfectly clear that she would find it disrespectful to my stepdad if she walked me down the aisle and would not do it."
"Given that both my parents are out, and I don't want to ask my paternal grandparents to do too much, my grandma and I are already sharing a special dance. Walking alone is what I feel the most comfortable doing."
"I could ask my stepdad, and even when I contemplated my decision, I knew he would want to do it."
"But it would make me sad to have him walk me instead of my dad, if I'm honest. I think my stepdad is a good man, and he has tried his very best to be a dad for me, but I didn't want a dad when I lost mine. I wanted my dad. Nobody else was ever going to be able to fill that role in my heart."
The OP's stepdad did not take the decision well.
"I asked my mom and stepdad if they would like to do a joint toast or two separate ones and whether they would like to walk down the aisle/dance to specific songs."
"While discussing this, my stepdad asked who I would be walking with."
"I told him I was walking alone."
"He offered to do it, and I said it was a lovely offer, but I would walk alone."
"He pressed me on why, and I said it felt like the best option."
"He said it would mean the world to him if he could do it if just once he could feel like he's a real dad and not just second place to my dad."
"I told him I understood, but it was not an option on the table."
"He said he was already being shamed by having to watch me dance with my grandpa when it should be a father-daughter dance. But to have everyone watch me walk alone when they know I have a stepdad is going to send a very big message."
The OP was set in her decision.
"I know people will ask about details on our relationship, etc. I met my stepdad when I was nine, and he married my mom when I was ten. He offered to adopt me and give me his last name, and I turned him down five times in the eight years I lived with them."
"He was married before my mom, and he lost his wife and unborn baby in an accident. He was also made sterile by the same accident. He always longed to be a dad. We got along well, but our relationship was always more to him than it was to me."
"Where he sees a daughter and wants a daughter, I see a good man and someone who is a great spouse to my mom and is good to me but does not fill the father role he wants to emotionally for me."
"Physically, he did. But emotionally, I never felt like he was my dad, and everyone in our lives is aware that I feel as though I have one dad, and my stepdad is my stepdad."
The OP's mother and stepdad were not happy, though.
"My mom and stepdad are not paying or contributing to the wedding in any way. My fiancé and I both have savings, and we're putting those into the wedding. Though our wedding will be smallish since we want to prioritize other things."
"My mom and stepdad say I am rude and heartless for turning down the offer."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she was NTA for making the right decisions for herself.
"First, NTA in any way. You aren't the reason your stepdad doesn't have kids, nor do you owe him a father-daughter relationship."
"ON A BETTER NOTE, have you considered printing a small picture of your dad or you and your dad to frame and tie to your bouquet so he'll still be with you while you're walking down the aisle?"
"I don't know if I'm explaining it well, but for my aunt's wedding, she had a slightly smaller than palm-sized picture of her biological parents (both deceased) on her bouquet and then a larger framed photo held by my nana (her stepmom). I'm fuzzy on some of the details, but it was a nice way to include them, and it made the moment more special for her." - designatedthrowawayy
"NTA. Your wedding, your choice."
"I had a family member who had a similar situation. She started to walk up the aisle by herself to represent her father's absence, then her stepfather joined her halfway. She also had a picture of her father on her bouquet as well. It was a nice tribute to her father and also acknowledged the role her stepfather played in her life."
"Again, it's your wedding, your choice. And based on the info provided in your post, it is completely understandable why you want to walk alone." - quitcute5264
"NTA. One thing my wife and I learned from our wedding is that no one should feel pressured to do anything or invite anyone they don't want to your wedding (especially since you are footing the bill)."
"It sounds like your stepdad is a little disappointed, and I know your mother is upset, but newsflash, it isn't their wedding; it's your wedding and your day."
"Maybe explain to stepdad that you think he is a good man, a good husband, etc., but you are walking alone as a way to honor your father? Or say f**k it and just tell them that's how it's going to be."
"To reiterate, don't let anyone pressure or bully you, it's your day, and weddings and planning don't need extra stress and bulls**t added on to it." - kraven94
"NTA. Walk yourself. I did."
"I had both natural and step father in the seats and walked myself. My stepdad was an abuser and my natural father was almost a stranger to me at that time."
"I didn't think either one of them represented the kind of 'father' to walk me down the aisle. If my grandfather had been alive, I would have had him walk me. He was my 'father figure.'"
"You do you." - Dar_and_Tar
Others understood why the OP's stepdad was hurt by this decision.
"Being a stepparent is truly a thankless job. You're NTA, but I really feel for your stepdad." - rchart1010
"NTA for what you've very eloquently said, but your stepdad isn't an a**hole either. He's just loved you since you were a kid and doesn't understand why you don't feel the same. I am sorry you lost your dad, OP, and when you were so young, but I completely feel for your poor stepdad, especially after he experienced such a horrible loss, as well."
"I know it's easier to hold your dad in a better light, especially when all you have is good memories of him until he died when you were seven, but know that your stepdad also gave you his whole heart, even if you never wanted it. He's not your dad, that's for sure, but it doesn't mean he didn't love you like a dad would."
"You're not heartless, but definitely cut him some slack, too, okay? He's been in your life as a parental figure for a very long time. I understand why it stings to hear 'no.'" - beetleswing
"OP is NTA, she can do what she wants, but d**n, there's some ice in those veins. Instead of being appreciative of someone who clearly loves her as his own and has raised and provided for her like a real father, this is a supremely shitty thing to do."
"Because it's her wedding, she can do as she pleases, and they should not guilt her into doing something she doesn't want to do, but if there is any compassion in OP whatsoever, one day she will look back on this day with regret, perhaps after becoming a parent herself the lightbulb will go on." - InspectorNoName
"NTA, but you might lose another father... While I agree with most that it is your day and ultimately your decision, you have acknowledged he has done everything he could to build a relationship with you, he is a good man, and this will rightfully be seen by him as the ultimate rejection of all his effort for over half your life."
"With that said, don't be surprised if he very understandably rejects you in the future. After all he has done to try and be a father to you after you lost yours, I wouldn't blame him. I know I would. I'm going to be blunt: Your dad is dead and has been for a long time. He is gone, and no amount of rejecting this man on such a personal level, especially after all he has done for you that he was under no obligation to do, can change that."
"Are you willing to lose another father? Because if you go through with this rejection, you probably will, but it won't be like last time when you were just a child and life dealt you a cruel blow. This time, you will be an adult who made a conscious choice to reject a man who loves you like he is your father and it will be your fault."
"I'm not trying to hurt you. Just make sure you think this through before you do something you can't undo and irreparably hurt someone who loves you as his own when he never had to. What would your father think of that?" - One_Conversation_616
"I'm amazed so many people have written NTA on this one. It seems like it's all about the bride and nothing (nobody) else matters when it comes to weddings."
"This reads like she had someone who did everything they could for her in difficult circumstances and her 'thank you' is to make it absolutely clear to everyone that she doesn't consider him to be her Dad."
"She'd prefer to walk the less than two minutes down the isle alone and permanently damage their relationship than to do the normal thing and walk down the aisle with her stepfather." - SmurglX
"Deep Sigh. NTA. You get to choose. It's your wedding."
"But…"
"I'm a stepmom. You're breaking my heart here. And I can't fully explain what a thankless job it is. You give everything. You get nearly nothing."
"Your dad passed, and I understand that no one can fill his place in your heart. My dad is also gone, and I will always miss him."
"That said, it sounds like your stepdad has spent all the years since he came into your life trying hard to be a parent to you. He clearly loves you and is devoted to you. He lost his own child, and he directed his love toward you, a fatherless daughter."
"All those years, and it feels like maybe it didn't mean anything to you. It isn't a betrayal to your dad to love another man who did his best to care for you in your dad's absence."
"You can't find any room in your heart to do something special for/with him? If not walking down the aisle, not even a stepdad/daughter dance to acknowledge his love and efforts over the years? Would you consider speaking and including your gratitude to him and your mom specifically in a toast or speech?" - SelfImportantCat
While everyone could agree this was the OP's wedding to plan, the subReddit was about as deeply divided over this situation as the OP was from her mother and stepdad. And it was obvious to them why the OP's stepdad was so upset about the decision after his commitment to the OP.
But while it was her right to invite, walk with, and dance with whoever she wished, there would surely be repercussions for her choices.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp