No two people have the same thought process when it comes to packing.
Some people tend to think “less is more”, and will pack as little as possible, assuming that they can get by without certain appliances or items of clothing.
Others feel the need to make sure they have all possible bases covered, and will fill multiple bags for all sorts of possible weather or occasions.
In all likelihood, those who pack light and those who pack heavy will still probably find themselves frustrated and relieved on various trips, wishing they had thought of packing something, or regretting bringing certain things along.
Redditor yitcity was the sort who took pride and pleasure in packing light, while their partner was the polar opposite, packing heavy in a sizable suitcase, no less.
Eventually, the original poster (OP) grew increasingly frustrated by their partner’s heavy packing, and was considering pulling an ultimatum for an upcoming trip.
Wondering if this would be out of line, the OP took to the subReddit “Will I Be The A**hole” (WIBTA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“WIBTA if I refused to help my partner with her luggage?”
The OP explained why they were considering refusing to help their partner haul around their luggage on an upcoming trip:
“My partner(25 F[emale]) has a very large roller suitcase, it can fit about 30kg of stuff in it and it’s about a meter tall.”
“When we go traveling I use a rucksack &small backpack combo which allows me to move about 23/25kg of stuff (one bag on my front one on my back) while leaving my arms free for carrying extra pieces (hostel linen, tote bags etc).”
“It’s relatively comfortable, and importantly it leaves me fairly free to go wherever terrain-wise.”
“She does not use this approach, instead opting for the behemoth roller suitcase and a smaller one.”
“This means she cannot move her luggage over anything but the smoothest of ground(no curb, no stairs, doesn’t fit easily in the boot of a taxi, it’s a pain on buses).”
“The suitcase is a large unwieldy shape and heavy too, airport staff put warning stickers on it.”
“On top of that, as it provides such generous storage space it encourages overpacking, meaning us lugging around gear that is rarely if ever taken out of the suitcase at stops.”
“This all means that it is left to me to get our collective luggage to where it needs to be, the latest incident being up six flights of narrow stairs.”
“I’m considering refusing to help in future trips unless she gets a more mobile and practical piece of luggage.”
“Is that likely to work and would it make me TA?”
Fellow Redditors Weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
While the Reddit community was initially inclined to agree that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to help their partner with her heavy luggage, the OP later returned with an update sharing a little more information:
“We both have shared items in both of our luggage.”
“She has a towel and hairdryer and medicine; I have electronics (laptop, speaker, extension lead), toiletries, and laundry in mine.”
“No particular reason for this. It’s just the way it ended up.”
“When flying I often have a bag of her liquids in my luggage too (makeup etc).”
“We have moved country, and the first few months of moving country is traveling around on fairly low budget.”
“This means a lot of moving.”
“From my pov anything longer than two weeks requires the same amount of packing (eg two months or two weeks I bring the same amount of stuff).”
“Hence why I mentioned being able to move our stuff is important to me.”
“Most importantly, here, I OFFER TO HELP.”
“She does not tell me to or expect me to move her suitcase.”
“I assume it’s me moving it because I don’t want her to injure herself trying. As a unit, the most sensible thing for us to do is leave it to me.”
“Finally, thank you for all the comments about not surprising her with this ultimatum mid-trip.”
“I never intended to; as mentioned in the original text, it was always going to be something I said before our next big trip.”
Upon reading that the OP and their partner were heading on a two-year trip, the Reddit community generally agreed that the OP would, indeed, be the a**hole if they refused to help their partner with their luggage.
“Hahaha, I was on the ‘either everyone sucks’, or ‘no a**holes” fence until I discovered in the comments that you’re basically lying by omission in your post.”
“You’re not just going on a two-week tourist trip, are you?”
“You moved to another country for two years.”
“That’s a completely different ball of wax than, ‘We went away for a week and my annoying girlfriend packed three giant suitcases that are all overweight, and she can’t/won’t carry any of them’.”
“She’s moving for two years.”
“Of course, she’s going to pack a huge bag.”
“Most people would bring a ton of stuff if they’re moving for that long a period of time.”
“That’s great that you’re apparently happy to move with three pairs of undies and a t-shirt that you carry around in a Ziploc bag in the back pocket of your jeans, but that is not typical, and this situation is not, in fact, ‘going traveling’, it’s moving, and the two are adjacent but not identical activities.”
“YTA.”
“Stop being mean to your girlfriend, who seemingly likes you well enough to pack up and move to a whole different country with you.”
“Be honest about what’s actually going on and put it in your post, not hidden away in the comments.”
“And I hope you never, ever ask to use any of the stuff your girlfriend packs that you didn’t bring from your home country after you’ve been giving her such a hard time over how she packs for a big move.”
“C’mon, dude, do better.”- Diplogeek
“YTA, massive.”
“I also pack like your girlfriend and my bf packs like you (even less, he uses only 1 backpack).”
“While I am perfectly capable of managing my huge troller (30 kgs) and my smaller one (10 kgs), as I’ve travelled out of the country on my own with these exact two pieces.”
“When I travel with my partner, he doesn’t let me touch the big suitcase.”
“It’s the decent thing to do in a relationship, the ‘gentleman’ thing, if you wish.”- Imaginary-Owl
“Reading your comments, YTA.”
“Stop putting your stuff in her bags and then complaining she has too much stuff.”
“You’re an idiot.”-Â buttweave
“YTA.”
“You hid the actual context of this trip in a comment and not the post.”
“Moving countries for 2 years is not the same as a trip.”
“You are an a**hole and trying to skew this to get people on your side.”
“So you’re an a**hole and a liar.”- winter83
“YTA, sorry.”
“Women have to carry way more things in general, from hair & skin products to shoes.”
“And they often end up being the carrier for the other person traveling (which you’ve admitted in the comments is the case, and some of your items are in her bag).”
“Also women’s clothing tends to be more delicate and isn’t going to fare well jammed into a backpack.”
“If you’re truly concerned about this situation, take her shopping to buy a new mid-sized rolling suitcase.”
“I’ve had this same problem you describe; one mega suitcase that has too much space and promotes overpacking, but it was my ONLY suitcase and I had no choice. the problem was solved when I got a second suitcase that was more suited for shorter trips and easier to manage by myself.”
“It’s the mentality that instead of helping to solve this, or having understanding and empathy towards her needs, your ‘solution’ is to punish her by not helping that makes you TA.”- xoxnothingxox
“YTA.”
“It sounds like you as a couple are traveling to another country to stay for two years.”
“Which means that you will probably be working or attending classes during that time.”
“So you will be setting up a ‘camp’ somewhere.”
“To look presentable she brought things that you don’t personally need.”
“As a counterpoint, if you are moving to a different ‘camp’ every week for the next two years, she would need to revamp her routine, and in that way, she should be packing more like you.”
“The question is, what type of travel is it, and did you both understand the logistics of that travel.”
“Also if she is carrying things that benefit you, you really should be more understanding and accommodating.”
“Women, in general, are forced to carry more than men.”
“Ovulating women need tampons and/pads.”
“If you are traveling to some Middle Eastern countries, head and/or full body coverings.”
“If you are currently traveling, need a solution, and both are willing.”
“You could look at a lightweight, heavy-duty roller bag/suitcase for the bulkier items, see if there is anything she can go without, and mail it home.”
“If you both can handle the roller bag, then you can trade off.”- snowpixiemn
It would be one thing if this were a three day trip, and the OP’s partner was packing enough for two years.
Only, the OP’s partner has been packing for two years and is even storing some of the OP’s belongings in her own bag.
With all this in mind, it’s a little bit harder to sympathize with the OP’s near refusal to help her carry her luggage.