Content Warning: Mental Health, specifically Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
It’s obvious that if we really love someone, we would do everything that we can to help them during a moment of crisis, and we would hope that they would do the same for us in return.
But sometimes there are things standing in our way, making it impossible for us to follow through the way our loved ones would hope that we would, reasoned the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Charming_Passage3440 tried to be understanding of her husband’s habit of winding down for a few minutes in his car every day when he came home from work.
But when he chose winding down in his car over helping her with her son during an emergency, the Original Poster (OP) was not so understanding anymore.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for divorcing my husband because he spent 10 minutes in the car during a family emergency?”
The OP’s husband had a habit for winding down that she did not fully understand or like.
“I (Female) have been married to my husband (Male) for two years.”
“He has a habit of sitting in the car for five to ten minutes before entering the house. I don’t know why he does it, but he talked about a past traumatic experience he had when he came home and caught his ex cheating on him.”
“Because of that, he’d just spend a few minutes in his car before he would enter our home as a response to his trauma.”
“He has refused any form of help, and his family sided with him on that decision.”
“Now, I won’t say that he’s wrong in coping with what happened, but this has made me feel uneasy, and it has caused many fights between us. Like when we have guests, he’d still sit outside before coming in, or when dinner is waiting on him and he’d take 10 minutes silently sitting in the car.”
“More importantly, I was worried that something might come up and he does not respond properly.”
Then the OP’s worst fears came true.
“It happened last week. My eight-year-old son (my biological son, not his) tripped and fell from the stairs and broke his ankle.”
“He was in so much pain and I called my husband to come take him to the hospital and he rushed out of work, but then I called and called, and I was stunned when I looked out the window and I saw him sitting outside the house in his car.”
“I was both shocked and angry. I ran outside and I asked how long he was sitting in the car. He told me around eight minutes.”
“I asked why he didn’t come into the house immediately to help, and he said he would after two more minutes.”
“I was so mad and hurt but tried to rush him, and he insisted he wouldn’t feel ‘comfortable’ coming in until the 10 minutes were up.”
“He told me to get my son ready to take him to the hospital, but I started screaming at him nonstop, telling him this was a family emergency and that he was out of his mind to behave like that.”
“It might not have been my best response, but I was shocked by his behavior and quite concerned because… I had this situation always stuck in the back of my mind, wondering what my husband do when there was a family emergency.”
“I ended up taking my son by myself when my neighbor intervened and offered to take us. We went to the hospital, and later, my husband came and tried to talk to me, but I refused.”
After the initial threat of the situation had passed, the OP decided it was over.
“I then went to stay with my mom and texted him that I wanted a divorce.”
“He tried to rationalize and justify what he’s done, saying he could not help it and that he was nervous and wanted to help my son but felt stuck.”
“I refused to reply to his messages, and days later, his family harassed me, saying I was making my husband’s trauma more severe and that I disrespected his boundaries by pushing him off his limits.”
“I feel lost and unable to think because of the whole ordeal. My family is with me on this but they can be biased sometimes.”
“My husband is still trying to talk me out of divorce, saying I’m making a huge deal out of it.”
“I feel like I no longer have trust in him, especially when it comes to serious stuff, like how cold and self-centered he acted in a family emergency.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that this didn’t sound like a relationship worth staying in.
“I have a friend who ended up divorcing her husband because he refused to seek help for his obsessive-compulsive behavior. It was very sad… but NAH.” – mamaMoonlight21
“It’s so pointless because they have medication for it now! I have a friend whose OCD is pretty bad when she’s not medicated, but when she’s on her meds, you’d never know.”
“Even if you don’t want meds, therapy can help so much. For OP’s husband to say, ‘I’m okay with being an annoyance at best, and putting a child in danger at worst, just so I don’t have to face something uncomfortable’ is him pretty much saying he doesn’t value anything or anyone but himself.”
“I’m not saying that mental health issues are something to ‘fix,’ but there are definitely ways to make the tougher aspects… easier… and it seems like the OP’s husband is unwilling to try any of them, even for the sake of his marriage, and even for the sake of his, like it or not, child.” – Styx-n-String
“The fact that he has refused to seek help for it. Peak selfishness. Leaving is warranted. Best luck to you and your boy.” – Morriseysucka**
“As long as he has his family on his side okey-doking his behavior, he will never, ever change. When you prioritize your comfort over a child’s emergency, it is time for you to willingly exit the relationship and not enter another one. His family should be helping him move out.” – You_are_MrDebby
“It is absolutely pointless to not seek help for it. I’m not even on meds for OCD. Just the therapy alone is what helped me.”
“I have two things that have to be controlled now and the therapist said that since they don’t bother anyone, it’s okay as a reminder of what it could be if I let myself get worse. I count stairs when I go up or down them (in my head or whispered if alone), and when I do this, it reminds me to never again get worse and think of my techniques.”
“And then if I have control over the remote or dial, etc., the number for the sound has to be on an even number or a five. I’ve learned that if others have the remote to look away so I don’t see the odd numbers it may land on, and I do fine with that now.”
“And again, when this happens, it reminds me of my techniques and how far I’ve come so I don’t get worse again. And trust me, it used to be way worse and with way more things.”
“This dude could spend a few months in therapy and get better, not even needing meds, but instead chooses to be an a**. If the OP doesn’t feel like she can trust him, and if she doesn’t feel like he can help keep her and her son safe anymore, those are absolutely reasons to exit.” – SeaGoatGamerGirl
Others wondered what the explanation behind the OP’s husband’s behavior might be.
“It sounds like some form of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) to me, perhaps brought on by the trauma of walking in on his ex. He might believe on some level that he’s preventing other terrible things from happening by waiting to come inside. Are there other ways in which your husband is oddly inflexible?” – mamaMoonlight21
“It sounds like he is stuck in a compulsive behavior. He needs to find a professional to help him address it. It’s going to be tough, especially as he let you down when you needed him. I bet he feels really bad about the situation.”
“PS, I hope your son is doing okay.” – purple_sun_
“The ‘It must be 10 minutes’ is the flag. And he needs professionals to address that with him.”
“That’s not a ‘I need time to prepare myself mentally’ or even ‘transitions are hard, I’m gonna finish listening to this song to delay having to move from A to B’… that’s ’10 minutes is the magic number, because if I walk in before that, I’m gonna find my wife cheating on me.'”
“It’s not rational and needs professional intervention. If he’s not willing to get that then he’s made his choice.”
“NAH, though. Sounds like a mental health problem. It doesn’t have to be your problem if it’s impeding your ability to look after your child.” – Famous-Fun-1739
“Yeah, this is the exact definition of magical thinking caused by OCD. He may not even realize it, and certainly seems in denial.”
“OP, if he’s been made aware his behavior is not normal and refuses to seek help, I agree with the others: you have your answer.”
“I have OCD and I have friends with OCD. All of us are in treatment and regularly rely on one another for help and sanity checks. We proactively look after ourselves and check our thoughts. You can’t function otherwise, as your husband aptly demonstrated.”
“This is make or break, no question, and if you choose break for your son’s safety, I think that would be perfectly reasonable.” – wheniswhy
As much as the subReddit could empathize with what the husband had gone through, which likely lead to or provoked his symptoms, they sided with the OP much more.
People need to be able to lean on each other in a family and in a marriage, and when a person refuses to do what would help them be supportive, like therapy, it might be time to move on and find a better support network.