Some people have difficulty being responsible parents.
And nothing brings out the difficulties of parenting more than divorce.
Joint custody means two homes.
And each home should have its own supplies for the kids.
Should being the operative word...
Redditor brindeonabudget wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for telling my kids’ dad he needs to provide his own EpiPen during his visitation?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (27 F[emale]) have two kids with my ex (31 M[ale]), ages 2 and 4."
"We recently went to court, and I was awarded primary custody as the domiciliary parent."
"He was given supervised visitation every other Saturday."
"He currently does not have a job or any plans to get one."
"When the judge ordered him to pay $170/month in child support for both kids, he asked, 'What happens if I don’t pay it?'”
"Before his first visit, I let him know that our 2-year-old wears size 3-4 pull-ups and has allergies, including reactions to certain off-brand products."
"He asked if those would already be in her bag."
"I told him I would send a few pull-ups, a change of clothes for both kids, and their cups for now, but that going forward, he would need to provide those things during his time."
"After the visit, I noticed our daughter was starting to get a rash, so I asked what she had eaten."
"He answered, but then asked why her EpiPen wasn’t in the bag."
"I checked immediately and took a picture showing that it was in the bag."
"He still insisted it wasn’t there."
"I told him that going forward, he needs to provide his own supplies for the kids during his visitation, including an EpiPen so he always has access to what she needs."
"To be clear: I have every intention of making sure my daughter has access to her medication."
"I’m not trying to withhold it."
"I just want him to take responsibility and have what’s needed while the kids are in his care."
"He argues that since it’s her prescription, it belongs to her and I have to provide it."
"I told him that, regardless, each parent should be responsible for providing what the children need during their own time."
"He also does not contribute to medical expenses."
"For additional context, I left the relationship due to abuse toward the kids and me, and his refusal to work (he claims a 'bad back')."
"I’m not trying to be difficult."
"I just want him to step up as a parent."
"If you made it to the end, thank you, and please just leave your thoughts, and I will answer any questions I can."
"I STILL PLAN TO SEND THE EPIPEN! "
"I KNOW HE CAN'T BE TRUSTED TO GET ONE."
"I ONLY WANT HIM TO STEP UP!
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for expecting him to provide his own supplies, including an EpiPen, during his visitation?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"$170/month in child support for two toddlers?"
"$20 a week per child?"
"You must have had the worst lawyer ever."
"If he refuses to provide a life-saving medicine for the child when she is in his house, then she should not be in his house. NTA." ~ steinerific
"Take him back to court."
"Unless he is legally disabled, they will calculate what he owes based on minimum wage in your state, and he will be ordered to pay that amount, and his paycheck will be garnished."
"If he doesn't pay, his driver's license will be suspended, and he will eventually have a warrant out for his arrest." ~ Responsible_Lawyer78
"If he can't even find the EPIPen OP sent in the kid's bag, and refuses to supply one himself, I wouldn't trust him to actually use the EPIPen properly when necessary, even if somebody was standing there and handed it to him." ~ AngelicaSpain
"Make him sign out the EpiPen from you, and you sign for it when he returns it."
"That way, you are both covered, and he will be responsible for the replacement cost if he loses or damages it, and there is no question on whether you gave it to him or not."
"Sort of like when you give one to the school." ~ datagirl60
"The EPIPEN belongs to the child, not the parents; that pen should go with her no matter which parent she's with."
"It is expensive, and it sucks having to hand it over to him."
"She can request that if it gets used, they need to return the used portion for proof."
"Make sure you tell him if it's not returned, you'll call the police for stolen medication."
"If OP makes sure they have evidence that she's giving it to him if he doesn't return it, then she can call the police."
"If he tries to say it was used, the child should have an injection mark on them to prove it's been used."
"I haven't used an EPI, so this is an assumption."
"This way, if he tries to act all stupid, he has to deal with the police."
"Make sure you document everything." ~ 3r14nd
"OP, it may be worth discussing this situation further in terms of access and supervision."
"Based on your child's symptoms and the request for the EpiPen to be made available, I would be concerned that he is exposing your child to known allergens and may be putting them in a situation where the pen is needed or used in place of appropriate medical intervention."
"As you know, administering an EpiPen is the first step on the way to rushing the patient to the ER for further interventions and monitoring."
"It only delays symptoms temporarily, is not a guarantee, and can be life-threatening in and of itself; so your ex must provide proof that they have a clear medical care plan and the ability to provide the right medication and seek medical intervention."
"If they can't stick to the plan, your local children's advocate (family court, CPS, etc.) should be involved, where they can consider restricted access, such as being limited to a 3rd party facility with monitoring in a controlled environment (preventative allergen exposure measures, professional supports and interventions, classes), or changing the custody order altogether."
"You are NTA, but YWBTA if you didn't recognise the red flags and consider your options carefully for the safety of your child."
"Especially as you have stated you know he cannot be trusted to be responsible, your kid's safety comes before setting an example and making him 'step up' as a parent."
"Some parents simply are not willing and/or capable, and the ones who truly suffer are the little ones in the end."
"This has the potential of being a life-or-death scenario, and too many kids have lost their lives to falling through the cracks in the system." ~ _HappyG_
"My kid has an EpiPen for allergies."
"My ex is also financially irresponsible/insecure."
"I am the primary parent."
"I have insurance coverage that I get my kids EPI pens."
"I get 2 for school, 2 for home, and I sent 2 to their dad's house."
"His insurance (when he's working, which isn't often) will only be used as secondary, so it HAS to go through mine first, because I have primary custody.'
"If he paid out of pocket, it would be a few hundred for them."
"So I just send 2, ask him to let me know when they're close to expiration (and keep a note in my calendar for when they're set to expire, for when he inevitably forgets), and then I order more."
"It's annoying for sure, but it is what it is." ~ SSOJ16
"NTA for expecting it, but I have a strong feeling you’re going to need to be providing it regardless."
"Sorry you’re co-parenting with another child." ~ halflife-crisis
"I second this."
"Sorry, OP, YTA."
"I've been in and out of family courts for years in my job, and telling the non-primary who doesn't have a job and doesn't have insurance, whose visits must be supervised, to provide ANYTHING is going to be seen as petty by a judge."
"You're NOT doing it to take care of your kids."
"You're doing it to force the dad to be an adult."
"But hey, if you want to run the risk that he uses this to get 50/50 or primary custody because you are seen as unreasonable to coparent with, live your best life." ~ gothangelblood
"NTA. Not sure why everyone has reading comprehension issues and is assuming you won't send the kid with an EPIPen."
"As others have said, check the state laws or your attorney about what you would be required to provide and what he is required to provide during his visitations." ~ Accomplished_Duck794
"NTA, but I doubt your ex will provide those items for your children."
"You should hand the EPIPen to the person supervising the visit, and if not used, get it back after."
"The person supervising should have a list of foods your children are allergic to and coach your ex accordingly." ~ MrsRetiree2Be
"NTA, and I can see why he needs supervised visitation."
"If he can't provide basic and potentially life-saving care for his child, he should not have visitation with that child at all."
"I've worked in family law for a long time and something like this would be grounds for an emergent application to suspend his parenting time altogether unless he gets his shit together." ~ The_Ba*tard_Henry
This is a rough situation, OP.
Reddit is 1000% with you.
Document and record everything you can.
It feels like another court visit may not be far off.
Good Luck.
u/Rosi_ana/Reddit
u/Rosi_ana/Reddit
