Content Warning: Extreme Views, Sexism, Misogyny, "Redpilled" Content
It's good for us to embrace being life-long learners and commit to the idea of learning something new every day, but if learning something new means dipping our toes into extremist views, we may change far more than we ever bargained for.
And that kind of change can be life-ruining, not to mention relationship-ruining, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit
Redditor Normal-End8810 had been in a loving and committed relationship with her boyfriend for three years, and she definitely saw them going the distance, at least until he started changing his views.
When he changed to the point of holding some of the things he used to love most about her against her, the Original Poster (OP) realized this was no longer the relationship she signed up for.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by ending a three-year relationship because my partner did a complete 180 on his core values and started directing his new views at me personally?"
The OP originally thought that she and her boyfriend's relationship would go the distance.
"My ex (31 Male) and I (27 Female) broke up two days ago, and I'm still trying to process whether I handled it the right way or blew up something that could have been worked through."
"When we met, he was one of the most open, laid-back people I'd ever dated. Politically progressive, socially easy-going, never made anyone feel judged for how they lived."
"It was one of the first things I loved about him. We built a whole life around a shared set of values. Same friend group, same energy, same outlook."
But then the OP's boyfriend started listening to content that warped his views.
"About eight months ago, he started changing. It was gradual at first. He stopped drinking, which I fully supported."
"Then he started getting into what he called 'self-improvement' and started listening to a lot of podcasts I'd never heard of."
"I didn't think much of it. People evolve."
What mattered to the OP's boyfriend dramatically changed.
"Then the comments started. Small ones at first, like about how women are happier when they 'embrace their natural role.'"
"A joke about how I was too career-focused."
"A comment at dinner about how our friend group had 'no real men in it.'"
"I called each one out, and he said I was being sensitive."
"It escalated over the last two months. He started expressing that he wanted me to stop working toward my promotion because we should be thinking about kids, and he didn't want his future wife to prioritize a career."
"He said he was embarrassed by some of the things I'd posted on social media. He told me the way I dressed when we went out made him uncomfortable and asked me to 'tone it down.'"
Her boyfriend disrespecting her friends was the final straw for the OP.
"Last week, he told two of our closest friends, a couple we've known for years, that he didn't want to spend time with them anymore because their relationship dynamic made him uncomfortable. He wouldn't elaborate, but I knew exactly what he meant, and so did they."
"When I told him that wasn't okay and that these were people I loved and weren't going anywhere, he said I needed to start thinking about who I surrounded myself with now that we were getting serious."
"I asked him what that meant. He said the people in my life were influencing me in ways that weren't good for the kind of relationship he wanted to build."
The OP resisted her boyfriend's demands.
"I told him these weren't new opinions I'd developed. This is who I am and who I have always been and who I was when he chose to be with me."
"He said people change, and I needed to decide if I was going to change with him."
"I told him I wasn't going to change who I fundamentally am to match a version of me he'd decided he wanted."
"He said I was being selfish. I said I was being honest."
"He left to stay with a friend that night, and I called him the next day to end it officially."
"He's now telling mutual friends I blindsided him and gave up on the relationship without trying."
"I don't feel like I gave up. I feel like I held on for eight months while someone slowly tried to reshape me into a different person, and I finally said no."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some theorized that the OP's boyfriend had been "redpilled," which is when a person's views are transformed to follow extremist, very right-wing views.
"Sounds like he fell into the Andrew Tate 'manosphere' and got red pilled." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR. These toxic red-pill podcasts only profit if the guys can’t find a woman who wants them as a partner. So, they turn them into people most women shouldn’t even consider."
"Hopefully, enough people in his life will see him as the problem, tell him, and he’ll notice he’s the problem." - Dreadkiaili
"Self-made incel right there, manosphere got a hold on him now."
"Failing to ever realize that this impending inceldom is going to tank his popularity with women and he'll go, 'I told you so!' as he sulks about having less attention when he 'became a REAL man.'"
"Never correlating that in the Before Times, he never had a problem befriending anyone or maintaining friendships, as he becomes increasingly combative, bitter, and just unpleasant to be around since his anti-fem stance spirals him down the rabbit hole of loneliness."
"They aren't lonely enough." - LolitaOPPAI
"Once I knew my ex was watching Andrew Tate, I knew in my heart our relationship was going to die. Sounds like yours got influenced by that group of men, too. NOR." - brendrzzy
"This is all about his personal feelings of inadequacy, and unfortunately, now the breakup will push him deeper into the manosphere and trying to control and harm women."
"Research has shown us that these manosphere dudes are typically losers who feel inadequate and bitter about their lives, so they take it out on women because it's all about their need to feel bigger and better than somebody else. If it's not women they're trying to put down, they're trying to keep down Brown people."
"OP: NOR. You did exactly the right thing. There is no way to work with a man who is unable to face himself and work on himself. He's working hard at convincing himself he's your 'natural boss' because deep down he cannot handle that the world is coming apart and his own life with it." - NorthernGrace
Others reassured the OP that her ex-boyfriend was no longer the man she had originally dated.
"Oh, honey, NOR, I’m so sorry. It sounds like your boyfriend was red-pilled, and this isn’t the same guy you agreed to be in a relationship with. You deserve better." - Boring-Incident2469
"NOR. The point of the “'self-improvement' scam he fell into is to make him miserable, isolated, and worse off. He’s just following the script."
"Driving women away is a key factor and the fastest path to getting them angry and misdirecting blame. Honestly, they make the emotional manipulation that gives a man a victim complex while they torpedo their own masculinity, competency, and character look easy."
"Sorry for your loss. The good person you knew is gone." - greatfullness
"NOR. It doesn’t sound like this is something you guys could’ve worked through without one of you having to change your beliefs and opinions. He can find someone who is okay with a traditional relationship instead of trying to morph you into that."
"Him telling you to stop working towards your promotion screams him wanting to stay at home with kids in the future." - Slow_Way7407
"NOR. Who cares what your mutual friends say. Presumably, they are aligned with your worldview and will quickly see your ex red-pilled himself."
"Mine did the same thing. From 2014 to 2018, he was a good person and left-leaning, and after college, he just sank into the self-improvement bubble. He hated my job successes as well because he wasn't having any, but I stupidly did what he wanted and didn't accept an offer so we could do a gap year because I just wanted things to be normal again."
"Nope, from 2018 to 2020, he was progressively more terrifying and more resentful. More into making me look more 'feminine' (blonde wigs, porn brain), more into Ben Shapiro, then more into Alex Jones, then just saying dog whistle racist things at the dinner table with his highly educated and kind parents."
"I don't know what happened, many factors, I'm sure, but your ex is on the same path, and there's nothing you can do. It's not your fault. Weak men fall for the manosphere s**t, and you deserve better." - Jeerkat
"You didn't blindside HIM, OP. HE blindsided YOU eight months ago when he started this crap."
"Anyone saying you should give him a chance, tell them point blank he wants a TRAD wife, that is NOT you, but there ARE other women out there who DO want that, there are even dating apps for that stuff. YOU wish him luck in his endeavors, and he should have had the good sense to wish the woman he dated for three years luck in yours."
"NOR, not even a little. And congrats for getting ahead of that mess before it enveloped you completely!" - Used_Clock_4627
The subreddit was heartbroken on the OP's behalf because, as much as she loved her ex-boyfriend, there was no going back from the path he was currently on, unless he made a serious commitment and put in the work to return to his old self.
There were women out there who wanted the same thing the OP's ex wanted, and there were men like the OP's boyfriend's old self for the OP; given how different they'd become, they were better off finding new people.
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