Subtle acts of aggression often resonate more deeply than overt ones.
People tend to feel more impacted by the smaller actions because they're usually more methodical.
Family can be like that for a lot of people.
And some family will say they never realize they're doing it.
Cue the drama...
Redditor StayBusy2492 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for taking family pictures without my son’s wife?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I, 50 F[emale], used my youngest daughter's senior pictures to take updated family pictures."
"This happened last September, but I just found out that this made my D[aughter]-I[n]-L[aw] angry."
"We (husband 47, Daisy 17, Penny 20) don’t get along with my son, Ted’s (29) wife."
"Let’s call her Jeanette (37)."
"We do keep the door open with Ted, but for now, it is closed with Jeanette."
"This was the status of our relationship with Jeanette BEFORE we took these pictures."
"Ted knew about the pictures about a month before because I bought everyone jeans and white t-shirts."
"What I didn’t know, until last weekend, was that Ted didn’t tell Jeanette about the pictures until the day before, and that made her mad."
"I don’t know if Jeanette ever saw them before this week."
"I didn’t start using them until we were getting the house ready for Daisy’s graduation party."
"In addition to the family pictures, I also had Ted, Penny, and Daisy take sibling photos."
"Don’t worry, Daisy got plenty of pictures by herself."
"I absolutely love all the pictures, even if I did 'hijack' Daisy’s senior pictures to get them."
"Daisy is still peeved about that, but agrees the pictures are fabulous."
"The last time we took studio family pictures was right before Ted graduated from high school 11 years ago."
"I have the old pictures framed, with the new family pictures hung underneath them."
"Recently, Ted and Jeanette threw themselves a 4th anniversary vow renewal that they spent a year planning."
"This was their 3****rd wedding."
"Their initial courthouse ceremony, and then a wedding 6 months later."
"After the vow renewal ceremony, Jeanette asked to speak with me in private."
"I obliged her, and during that discussion, among other things, she let me know she was upset she wasn’t included in the family pictures we took."
"She saw them because she had to pick Ted up from our house, and the family pictures are hung on a wall you can see from the side windows by our front door."
"I told her that those were Daisy’s senior pictures and they didn’t have anything to do with her."
"She said that I took family pictures without Ted’s family."
"I replied to Jeanette that if she wanted professional pictures with Ted, she was free to take professional pictures with Ted."
"Jeanette felt that as Ted’s wife, I should not be taking any of my family pictures without her included."
"I don’t think I was wrong, but her reaction legit surprised me."
"Especially since that’s one of the first things she brought up."
"I do think that I’m TA for agreeing to that conversation in the first place and not ending it when I realized it wasn’t going well."
"That wasn’t the time or the place, and I do regret going against my better judgment on that."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?""
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors declared that OP WAS the A-hole.
"YTA. You sound like the nightmare M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] that Redditors are always complaining about." ~ Flame_Keeper2
"Yes, YTA."
"You can try to obfuscate and say that they were 'senior pictures,' but those were family photos that you took without a member of your family, Jeanette." ~ HomelyHobbit
"You are a TA for many, many things in this post."
"You hijacked the girl's senior pictures - something that's a once-in-a-lifetime thing."
"And sounds like your poor daughter didn't know about it and definitely didn't agree to it."
"My guess- the reason you are N[o] C[ontact] with your daughter-in-law is solely your fault, and you have 100 excuses why."
"You need to stop and realize you're hurting all your kids with your selfish actions." ~ klc0979
"OP's overbearing nature was picked up by her other child, who decided at 13 that she would take over as the wedding director and started yelling at adults at her son's wedding when it was time for the processional."
"And then when an adult stepped in, her poor baby got upset and cried." ~ No-Air-3401
"YTA. Your son’s wife is family."
"We don’t have to love our family all the time to include them."
"Professionally, pictures are a bright line, and you circumscribed her out of the family with your move." ~ iwilltake41husbands
"YTA. You say you didn’t hijack your daughter’s senior photos, but you did."
"As a photographer, the vibe when it’s just the graduating senior and me is completely different than when the whole family is there, and we try to work in family/sibling photos too."
"You took one of your daughter’s senior moments away from her, even if she likes the family photos." ~ hamdaddy247
"And not only did OP hijack this moment for their graduating daughter, but they also used it as an opportunity to stick it to Jeanette by excluding her."
"This was all about OP and showing their dislike of the daughter-in-law, at the expense of their own child." ~ Dog-Mom2012
"I’m going to say YTA, but not for the picture thing."
"YTA for raising a son who allows his mom to disrespect his wife." ~ mes905
"YTA - you seem like the type of person who will say the sky is yellow, then when someone disagrees, you’ll fly off the handle."
"You’re old enough to know better."
"I don't know what you expected to get coming and getting others’ opinions on this monstrosity of a situation." ~ snow-flake-sparkle
"Not enough info."
"Why do you dislike her?"
"How do you manage all other events?"
"How does your son feel about the dislike?"
"Based on the info provided, YTA."
"You sound immature."
"You are a parent and an adult."
"Maybe my wife did something terrible."
"But we don't know." ~ Low_Engineering8921
"The bottom line is that you don’t like Jeanette."
"You have no intention of ever treating her like family.
If you liked her, you would’ve been happy to have her in the family photo."
"Does excluding her make you an AH? Yep."
"You do everything you can to let this woman know she’s not one of you, and then you’re shocked (!) that she has the nerve to tell you that you hurt her feelings."
"Of course, you don’t really care because you don’t like her. YTA." ~ pineboxwaiting
"YTA. You admit that you hijacked Daisy’s graduation pictures to do family photos, but then try to defend yourself when DIL asked why she wasn’t included by saying 'those were Daisy’s senior pictures and they didn’t have anything to do with her.'"
"You can’t have it both ways."
"You were also already an AH for hijacking your daughter’s photo session, especially when you knew she didn’t approve."
"And your son and DIL having a vow renewal and it being their '3rd wedding' really has nothing to do with you leaving DIL out of the photos, other than to show that you already have problems with DIL and don’t like her." ~ Swirlyflurry
"Tentative YTA."
"How is it that Jeanette isn't allowed to come to family gatherings, but you're invited to and attend Ted's and Jeanette's vow renewal?"
"What did she do that was so horrible that you decided to exclude her permanently?"
"Was Ted on board with that?"
"How about the rest of the family's reaction?"
"You blew off Daisy's resentment of you turning her senior portrait session into a family portrait session by saying the photos were fabulous. You sound like you dismiss other people's reactions."
"I'm hoping your response will prove me wrong." ~ 13surgeries
"YTA - get your head out of your ass or be prepared never to see your grandchildren should his wife decide that she doesn't want her children to have a relationship with people who treat her poorly." ~ mute1
"YTA. My husband wouldn't have allowed me to be excluded."
"If his family refused, he would no longer have his family around."
"Like her or not, she's your son's wife."
"She IS family."
"If I were his wife, I would start rethinking the marriage."
"Honestly, sounds like you would love that." ~ Specific_Injury2111
"YTA. Regardless if you don’t like your wife, you should respect that she’s your wife."
"You seem very controlling."
"Taking over your senior’s pics for family photos-you made it about you, not her."
"Ted is also TA for agreeing to take the pictures knowing his wife wasn’t being included, but you probably steamrolled him." ~ gefeltafresh
"YTA for multiple reasons - starting with the fact that you hijacked your daughter's senior photo session to do the family photos and admit she was peeved about it."
"Who cares how nice they turned out?"
"It was supposed to be her special moment."
"Also, yes, his wife is his family and therefore should've been included in the photos."
"Your son is also a TA for not sticking up for his wife and demanding that she be included and telling her about them in advance." ~ greenfairee
"YTA... and so is your son."
"Your daughter-in-law had a very human reaction and 'legit surprised' you?"
"I can almost see your son's reasoning, considering he's your offspring."
"With a lot of therapy, he could shake off the worst parts of his upbringing, draw some hard boundaries with you, and become a decent husband." ~ thatchillaxdude
Reddit is not happy with your actions, OP.
Jeanette is family.
You could've done some with her and some without; she probably would've understood.
Sounds like some serious conversations are on the horizon.
