One of the most unfortunate aspects of divorce can be the friendships you may lose afterward.
As these people might technically have been your ex's friends or family, who may take your ex's side in the separation, or you may not feel comfortable staying in touch with.
That being said, many people manage to remain on good terms with their former in-laws.
Some people might have an unhealthily good relationship with their former family.
Redditor Rubyoctober11 was her husband's second wife.
Much to her annoyance, the original poster (OP)'s in-laws remained on very good terms with her husband's former in-laws.
A recent message between the two families, however, tipped the OP over the edge, leading her to demand that her husband cut off all communication with them and to cut off contact with her own in-laws as well.
Worried she may have been out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole Here".
Unlike the similar 'Am I The A**Hole' (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Voting acronyms aren't required, and no final judgment is declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH for keeping my distance from my in-laws after they shared my birth story with my husband’s ex’s parents and refused to cut contact?"
The OP explained why she lost interest in remaining in contact with her in-laws:
"In March, while I had a newborn, my MIL sent photos and details of my birth to my husband’s ex-wife’s parents."
"They also had secret dinners with them and still regularly like each other’s posts."
"They refused to stop the friendship."
"My husband’s relationship with his ex was extremely toxic: constant put-downs, cheating, and leaving used condoms for him to find."
"Her family texted us postpartum saying they wished it had worked out with their daughter, that she was devastated by my pregnancy, and that she had been hacking accounts for info about us."
"One of her sisters also messaged my husband saying I wasn’t pretty and they were surprised he was with me."
"His parents knew about all of this and still maintained the connection."
"I’ve stayed polite but deliberately low-effort and distant since."
"I don’t want a close relationship with them."
"My husband understands I was hurt but keeps pushing for us to 'move forward' and for reassurance that I like his family, worrying about long-term awkwardness for our son."
"I can’t stand them after the breaches, the ongoing contact, and being forced to hear about the ex’s feelings during what should have been a happy time."
"I refuse to force warmth."
"AITA for holding this boundary?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
The Reddit community agreed that the OP did the right thing by cutting off contact with her in-laws.
Everyone agreed that if the OP's in-laws were prioritizing her husband's ex over her, she should not need to remain in contact with them, and she deserved more support from her husband:
"NTA you have a husband problem."
"NTA."
"Your husband is the problem here."
"He is pressuring you to keep the peace because that is what he is comfortable with."
"In all actuality, he was probably codependent with his ex."
"He is more well suited for an unhealthy dynamic than a healthy one."
"His parents caused a massive breach in trust during a very vulnerable time for you; he should not be pressuring you to sweep it under the rug."
"If you and him are going to work out, or if he’s gonna work out with anyone who is mentally stable and healthy, he should be in individual counseling."
"Like, intensely. he put up with his ex for a very long time because that is a comfortable dynamic for him."
"He is uncomfortable with the healthy dynamic you’re providing."
"Without professional help, he will only be comfortable when he makes it unhealthy, and gets you and your son in that unhealthy dynamic with him."- Mundane-Cantaloupe78
"NTA."
"What is with your husband excusing such sh*tty behavior from both his parents and his ex's family?"
"Y'all need to go LC at the very least, if not cut them off completely."
"Their preference for the ex, considering her behavior, is bizarre."- Teddy_Funsisco
"First ... Go no contact with his family for you and your son ."
"Block them on all social media."
"Tell your husband that you are not going to be harassed and verbally assaulted by his ex-wife's family."
"That if his concern is how they feel over how you feel, he can pack a bag and go back to them."
"Remind him that his job is to protect you, not ok the harassment."
"If he can't see what the problem is."
"He's the problem."
"If he wants you to just move forward."
"Move out with your son."
"If you have family that can take you in, go!"
"Then file for divorce, child support, and alimony."- witchymoon69
"NTA."
"Your husband's parents are choosing his ex over you, and he wants you to ignore it."
"How will you ever want to have a close relationship with his family or allow them to see your child when all info and photos will be immediately shared with the ex."
"And you're lucky she doesn't still live in town, because it sounds like she'd be having a mental breakdown on your front lawn or kidnapping your kid and your husband's family would be okay with that."- jam7789
The OP later returned with an update, sharing some more information regarding her relationship with her husband, and where things currently stood between her and her in-laws:
"Update: I think in my quest to keep my question as succinct as possible, I missed a lot of context and nuance, and that made my husband come across badly." We have a great relationship other than this situation.
"I came to him last night and told him that I don’t like his parents, I don’t trust them, and they will never babysit our child again."
"He said he completely understood but mentioned that they may not fully comprehend the damage of their actions, and he has written them a strongly worded letter saying that because of the violation of mine and my son's privacy, unless they cut off all contact with his ex-wife’s family, they will not be in our son’s life."
"They can choose who they are friends with, as all adults can, but there are consequences to those choices."
"He’s angry at them and his ex-in-laws; he feels that they’ve acted immaturely and put him in an awful position."
"I’m not at peace with the situation; I’m still really angry."
"I felt the anger and solidarity in the comments: so many people have been treated poorly by in-laws; it’s actually a cliché."
"I didn’t mention this in the body text, but I suffered badly from PPA; this heightened everything."
"My MIL is not a Machiavellian character, but she is an ignorant and insecure people pleaser, and we all know how malignant people pleasers can be."
"I also didn’t mention that I was initially cool with my husband being in occasional contact with his ex-in-laws. When his ex-wife changed the locks on him, and he had nowhere to live, his ex-FIL offered him the floor of an office space he owned to sleep on, provided he was out during business hours (millionaire family, mind you)."
"He was always grateful for that kindness, and I was okay with the occasional happy birthday."
"But it ramped up to every day, and the messages became progressively creepier (I love you, my daughter’s a stupid b*tch, we miss you so much, I wish you could’ve been happy with my daughter, I am not gay but I love you, I am still your father, my daughter has tried to hack into all our accounts to find out information about your child…)."
"I had to set a boundary, and my partner blocked all of them then and there."
"His mother breaching our privacy happened months later, and she then took off for a few months to travel Europe."
"Now that she has returned, she expects time with her grandson, and I have pushed back, and that’s when my husband asked when we can move past it. I genuinely don’t think he realized I had held on to the anger for that long."
"I don’t know what to do. If his mum apologizes to me, it doesn’t give me back precious time when I was freshly postpartum, and I truly don’t know if I can or even want to forgive her."
"I’m sure many grammatical and spelling errors are in the above, but this is a sleep-deprived mum’s thoughts."
It's one thing to maintain a healthy relationship with one's former in-laws.
Unfortunately, the OP's in-laws were doing that at the expense of sustaining a relationship with her.
Hopefully, the OP's husband will come to realize this before it costs him his marriage.
