There's this general assumption out in the world that if a couple breaks up, all of the connected relationships will dissolve with the breakup. Family members will no longer speak to the ex-partner, and even friendships will be questioned if they try to exist beyond the breakup.
But sometimes the external relationships developed during the romantic one were so positive, they're meant to stand the test of time even when the romantic one is not, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor GalDadDo was in one of those situations, where it came naturally for him to maintain positive relationships with his ex-wife's family members even after the divorce.
But when she married another man, and she accused him of "disrepecting" her new husband, the Original Poster (OP) questioned why maintaining those positive relationships was such a bad thing.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for 'disrespecting' my ex-wife's new husband with the crime of getting along with my former in-laws?"
The OP and his ex-wife went through a very messy and long divorce.
"My ex-wife (34 Female) and I (36 Male) divorced four years ago after a two-and-a-half-year-long divorce."
"We split physical and legal custody of our children (ages 11, 9, and 6)."
"Things are not civil, and as you can tell, our divorce process started during her pregnancy with our youngest."
"I won't go into all the details, but we divorced after a large financial betrayal on top of years of both of us feeling like there was little respect for the other. The divorce was not civil, and it dragged on for as long as it did, not because of the pregnancy alone, but for financial reasons."
"My ex-wife was dating her current husband by the end of our divorce, and it was an awkward period."
The OP maintained a positive relationship with his ex-wife's family.
"My ex-wife's family and I remain on good terms, which bothers her husband and always did."
"Because my ex doesn't want to take the kids shopping for my birthday or Father's Day when asked, her parents have, and that bothers him, because they don't do the same for him."
"I do it for my ex-wife because the kids ask. I include Christmas gifts in that because, again, I'm asked, and I want to be respectful. Her husband doesn't like it, but he sure as hell never has."
The OP's ex-wife's new husband began to accuse him of "disrespecting" him.
"The most recent issue came up when my kids asked to have me for Father-and-Child photos that my ex-wife's family was organizing. They invited me, and I went and took the photos with my kids."
"My ex-wife's family and I talked for a while, and I left the event earl,y but it pissed him off that I talked to my ex-wife's family at all and didn't leave as soon as the photos were done."
"But what really bothered him was that I was invited instead of them having him stand in solely for the dad photos; he doesn't want me in 'the picture' at all."
"The kids didn't get photos with him that day, which may have created more problems."
"But ultimately, he complains that I disrespected him by getting, along with his wife's family (his words), and she's got his back, because she thinks it's unfair her family doesn't hate me like she does, because she didn't get everything she wanted in the divorce."
"She has talked to her famliy more than once about remaining nice to me, and she gives me s**t when they tell her they will not stop being friendly with me. I get even more sh*t when they remind her that I will always be the father of our children and that the kids' choices and happiness should come first."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some believed it was better for the OP to maintain that positive relationship for his kids' sake.
"This is actual parenting. Kids remember who made their life easier vs who made it harder. Sounds like you're on the right side of that line. NTA." - mistymuffliin
"You're handling this with maturity and putting your kids first, which is exactly what they need. His insecurity is his to manage, not yours. Keep being the steady parent they can count on." - Intrigued_Mind853
"Your ex and especially her husband need to learn that respect is earned, not given. You have earned the respect because you do right by the kids. Keep doing that and let them cry a river." - LoloColdMedina
"It's really weird that, as their mother, you state facts and she gets mad at you. You would think that, as their mother, she would want what's best for her children."
"I can't believe that she's giving you s**t because your children's grandparents have a good relationship with you. Most people would be glad for that. You read so many stories of people not getting along with their in-laws. I think it's great that even though you're her ex, you still get along great with them."
"Adults need to learn to put their feelings aside and do what's best for their children. Sure, they're allowed to have those feelings, but they're not allowed to let them get in the way of the well-being of their children."
"Deal with those feelings in private, don't do it in front of your children, or to the extent that it is going to negatively affect your children. Far too many people haven't learned this." - Zestyclose-Crow-4595
"Focus on your kids' needs, and keep ignoring your ex's husband."
"He's the one being disrespectful by trying to control other people's lives. And throwing tantrums isn't going to make your ex-in-laws accept him anytime soon."
"You don't owe him any loyalty or respect. NTA." - _A-Q
Others were concerned about the relationship the kids were likely developing with their mom and stepdad due to all the drama.
"Honestly, if she keeps feeding his insecurities, this will only lead to bad relationships between the kids and him, and for that alone, I'm sorry for your kids."
"On a different note, thank you for putting any past issues with your ex aside and still putting your kids' needs/wants first. The shopping for holidays, even for gifts for her. It does make your household feel safer usually, which is so beneficial for them to have that safe space." - Ready-Conflict-1887
"OP should remind his ex of the impact their conversations were likely having on their children, because there will come a point where the kids will be old enough to decide where they want to live full-time."
"And if ex and her new hubby's pettiness continues unchecked, my guess is they'll end up with an empty house and zero kids." - Aggravating-Sock6502
"From everything described, his insecurities/feelings on the situation were created by her from the beginning & fuelled ever since. He was stupid to get involved with her to begin with, as he got to see who she really is from the start."
"By staying, he set himself up for a life of misery with her. There was no way he could have a good relationship with the kids or in-laws because she used him to not only validate her bad feelings towards OP, her situation, her family, etc., but turned them into a slight towards him." - djjmar92
"You just keep being a good dad and let her dig her own grave. Unfortunately, she may be on a path of isolating her own biological family." - jrm1102
"It used to piss off my uncle sooooo bad that I still called his ex-wife 'AUNT Sharon' my entire life. He flipped about it once when I was a teenager, and I pointed out that HE divorced HER and she him. I didn't divorce her from being MY family."
"My mom was one of her closest friends, so she'd have been my auntie regardless! Her extended family was equally 'what the f**k?!' when her kids had my mom sit with the immediate family at her funeral. A lotta whispers of 'isn't that her EX sister-in-law?!'"
"Family is who shows up, in my opinion. I always will choose the people that show up over blood." - PennsylvaniaDutchess
"Your in-laws are the best and understand how it goes. There is no reason that you or them should dislike each if you don't want and are there for your children. Just because you divorced her doesn't mean you divorced extended family as well."
"My parents divorced over 40 years ago and still retained relationships with the other's family, even when it didn't involve us kids. My mom still stays in contact even after my dad passed away." - thanto13
"She needs to get tf over herself. You don't stop existing just because she's married someone else. You'll always be your kids' dad and the father of your ex-in-laws' grandkids/niblings."
"Keep doing what you're doing and showing up for your kids and having good relationships with their extended family. Your ex and her new husband are adults and should be able to manage their expectations and disappointment better." - perpetuallyxhausted
Though it's somewhat unusual for these relationships to last and remain healthy after a divorce, and a messy one at that, the subreddit applauded the OP for putting his kids' needs first and maintaining those relationships so they could have a positive, healthy, and happy childhood.
Hopefully, his ex-wife and her new husband would take a page from his book.
Otherwise, they might find themselves with less-than-stellar relationships, not just with their family for trying to push the OP away, but with their children, who they really should be putting first.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.