We've all found ourselves making accommodations for friends or family members for various reasons.
Most of the time, this doesn't go unnoticed, and our friends and family appreciate the extra effort we put in.
Other times, however, we don't exactly get the thanks and appreciation we might expect.
Sometimes that leaves us questioning whether it's worth accommodating these people.
Redditor Pumpkin156 went to considerable lengths to accommodate their sister-in-law (SIL)'s diet.
Including making sure she had plenty to eat at their child's recent birthday party.
However, when the original poster's (OP) efforts proved somewhat in vain, the OP declared they would not cook around their SIL's diet any further.
Seeing the effect this had on the rest of her extended family, the OP took to the subReddit Am I The A**hole Here (AITAH)
Unlike the similar 'Am I The A**Hole' (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Voting acronyms aren't required, and no final judgment is declared.
" Would I Be The A**Hole (WIBTAH) if I didn't accommodate my SILs dietary preferences on Thanksgiving?"
The OP explained why they wouldn't be making any dishes that accommodated their SIL's diet this Thanksgiving:
"To start, I have in the past made an entirely gluten-free and dairy-light Thanksgiving meal to accommodate my SIL specifically."
'No one else cares, she is the only one."
"But I can do it, and all the dishes are still fairly similar."
'Recently, when getting together for other events, we have noticed that she will 'cheat' on her diet (which, by the way, is self-imposed and not at all due to allergies)."
'We go out for Tex Mex, and suddenly she has no problem with queso or flour tortillas."
"We have lunch one day, and she orders a sandwich on regular bread but removes the crust because 'thats where most of the gluten is anyway'."
"The final straw was when I went out of my way to plan a meal for my child's birthday party around her diet."
"I even spoke with her on the phone for 20mins about the plans so she could 'update' me on some new restrictions."
"I had to go to 2 extra stores to get things specifically for her. It was expensive and time-consuming to shop and prep."
"And then...she doesn't even show up and didn't bother to let me know they weren't coming, I found out about it from another guest at the party the day of."
"The aftermath of that drama and everyone trying to make excuses for her is a whole separate post."
"Anyway, my husband was furious and told me no more."
"I should cook what I want, and they can either come and bring their own food or not come."
"Obviously I agree, but I do have friends and family close to me that have food allergies and restrictions, so I get how difficult it is from both sides."
"When SIL texted me her apology about not showing up, I responded and informed her that her nephew was bummed that his Auntie missed his birthday party and that for future family gatherings we would not be making special food in the event that they didn't show up but they're welcome to bring any food they want."
"This year his side of the family tried to cancel Thanksgiving for 'different reasons' even though I know it's about food because I have hosted Thanksgiving for the past 3 years."
"I told my MIL I'd still be cooking a meal and that everyone was certainly invited if they wanted to get together, but I will not be buying special ingredients and changing recipes to accommodate SIL this year."
"So WIBTA if I followed through?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to make dishes to accommodate their SIL.
Everyone agreed that it would be one thing if these were genuine allergies, but as they were not, the OP should not feel obligated, particularly after the OP's SIL bailed on them:
"NTA."
'Cook for everyone."
"That’s a generous thing in and of itself."
"Let your SIL know that’s what you’re serving, and she’s welcome to bring her own stuff if she needs special accommodations."- Key-Garlic-1177
"NTA!"
"As the parent of a child with life-threatening allergies, these requests are infuriating."
"They create a boy who cried wolf mentality that carries over to true food requirements."- legoladydoc
'NTA."
"As someone who is Celiac, this makes me soo mad."
"For her to impose a self-chosen diet, that has nothing to do with allergies, on the host of an event is entitled."
"You can cook whatever you want, and just let her know the menu."
"Then she can bring her own food, and 'cheat' with some of what you made.'
"I think a lot of people with allergies are used to taking care of their own food."
"It is an honor when a host accommodates and cooks special food for us, or cuts out a food completely, but I in no way expect it.'
'It is not an allergy for her, so she cannot expect it."
"Small note: the 'most of the gluten is in the crust anyways' was the worst part of this."- bennie_n_the_jetsNTA.
"Vegans and vegetarians, I’d accommodate.'
'Self-diagnosed no gluten or dairy can f*ck off."- oldtimehawkey
"NTA."
"It would be one thing if she was actually allergic or celiac."
"I'm someone who is myself non-celiac gluten sensitive, meaning I will get a horrible flare of inflammation and disabling fatigue for about a month from exposure, which makes it so I can't work or function, but I won't die or have to go to the hospital."
"It's not life-threatening, but it's nothing either, and so I do not cheat."
"The closest I'll come is 'may be processed on the same equipment'."
"People like your SIL are the reason why when I tell people I can't have gluten, they roll their eyes and immediately start challenging and interrogating me."
"They're the reason people like me can't be taken seriously and are low-key in danger from people who think they can give us whatever because it isn't real."
"They're the reason good people like you stop trying to include us, and we end up being ostracized at any event that centers around food."
"You did a wonderful thing and really went above and beyond."
"That's so rare."
"I have no idea how people like your SIL can sleep at night taking that for granted, or putting you through it in the first place for actually no legitimate reason."
"It's similar to someone who has zero mobility issues making everyone cater to them and the wheelchair they use for the fashion of it, if that were a thing people did."- DoomsdayDonuts
"NTA."
'You are accommodating a preference, not a dietary restriction."
"SIL is acting entitled, demanding, and didn’t even show up."
"SIL doesn’t deserve to be accommodated after that."
"Your husband should put his foot down if she complains."- boundaries4546
"NTA."
"I don’t have allergies, but I do have intolerances that can make my life hell."
"People like your SIL baffle me: why do some people cut out entire food groups on a whim?"
"I dream of some of the foods I can no longer eat, and I am always ecstatic when I find a meal that is delicious, safe for me to eat, AND relatively easy to make (I’m physically disabled and have limited energy)."- GingerbreadWitch_878
"NTA in my opinion."
"I love cooking and for real allergies, I’ll go above and beyond."
"Fad diets or preferences (with inconsistent follow-through) shouldn’t be an extra burden for you."
"Worst case, she can have turkey and vegetable dishes."
"People like this drive me insane."- username_choose_you
"Not at all."
"She is unappreciative of all the extra work you do."
"Stop doing it!"
"Have the meal you want."
"She can either eat or not."
"Up to her. I deal with a lot of food restrictions with my family."
"Allergies and restricted diets."
"I'm happy to do so as long as it's appreciated."
"Once it's not, I will stop."
"You would NBTA."- BelliAmie
"Don’t bother!"
"She can eat whatever she wants or doesn’t want."
"My favorite was cutting the crusts off and saying 'that’s where all the gluten is anyway' LOL!"
"Honestly, she can bring her own food!"
"Happy Thanksgiving. I wish you a peaceful one."- paddy-crime-1663
It's usually a wise idea to be respectful of someone's diet, whether it's allergy-based or not.
That said, after the OP's SIL set fairly demanding expectations for what she would be served and then didn't offer so much as a thank you, it's easy to understand why the OP wasn't eager to cook for her again.
Perhaps even more telling, however, is that no one else seemed to be willing to cook around her diet either.
