Those of us who spend time with family for the holidays can all think of that one relative who loves to bring a dish to the family dinner but who is really an insufferable cook.
It seems like no matter how many holidays go by, they don't seem to understand that their family members don't like their cooking, and it gets really tempting sometimes to ask them to stop bringing food, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor SocietyTiny784's sister was a terrible, "experimental" cook and always brought inedible food to Thanksgiving dinner.
Since they were hosting Thanksgiving dinner this year, they wanted to ask their sister to bring something else for the event, but when their sister became furious and planned a "revenge meal," the Original Poster (OP) realized they may have bitten off more than they could chew.
They asked the sub:
"AITAH for telling my sister she's not allowed to bring her homemade food to Thanksgiving because her cooking is ruining the meal?"
The OP's sister had a habit of bringing food that no one liked to every Thanksgiving dinner.
"Every year, our family does a big Thanksgiving dinner, and we all typically bring a dish or two."
"My sister, who's a lovely person in every other way, insists on cooking something homemade every time. The issue? She's… not a great cook. And I don't mean just 'not great'; I mean she has somehow managed to turn classic dishes into borderline inedible creations."
"For context, last Thanksgiving, she showed up with her 'special recipe' stuffing that was over-seasoned with random spices like cinnamon and cardamom. It was dry, and the flavors were confusing and totally off for stuffing. Only one person took a small bite, and the rest went untouched."
"Another year, she brought a green bean casserole that had some kind of strange, chewy texture; she later admitted she used coconut milk and almond flour 'to experiment.' No one wanted seconds of that, either."
"To make it worse, unfortunately, she doesn't just let it go when people don't eat her food. She'll try to 'encourage' everyone to taste it, usually by asking each person directly if they've had some yet and even pointing out specific flavors or 'unique ingredients' she thinks we should appreciate."
"If people avoid it, she'll make comments like, 'It's okay if you're not adventurous,' or she'll say that her dish is for people with a 'refined palate.' It puts everyone in an awkward spot where we feel pressured to pretend to like it just to keep the peace."
The OP thought they could make a difference while hosting Thanksgiving dinner.
"This year, I'm hosting Thanksgiving. Since I'm responsible for putting it all together, I wanted to keep the menu consistent so that people could actually enjoy a cohesive meal. I thought I'd avoid drama by asking her to bring non-food items instead, like wine, soda, or even some flowers."
"I explained to her (very kindly, I thought) that I just wanted to make things easy and streamlined, and I'd handle the main dishes. But she didn't take it well."
"She got offended and told me I was being 'controlling' and 'shutting her out' of the family gathering. She then accused me of making her feel inadequate and said that Thanksgiving is about everyone contributing, not me deciding what's 'acceptable.'"
"I told her that everyone appreciates her effort but that she could contribute in other ways and still be part of it. She doubled down and said she's bringing her 'famous' green bean casserole whether I like it or not."
The situation escalated into a family feud, with Thanksgiving still weeks away.
"Now, my mom and a couple of other family members have chimed in, saying I should just let her bring whatever she wants because 'it's Thanksgiving' and 'it's the thought that counts.' They're acting like I'm committing some huge offense by wanting the food to be enjoyable for everyone and not have random experimental dishes that no one will eat."
"But I feel like I'm just trying to keep the meal enjoyable and, frankly, edible. I don't think it's wrong to want guests to actually enjoy the food, especially since I'm putting in a lot of effort to host. Am I really being unreasonable here?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some agreed with the OP that it was time for the sister's contributions to change.
"Since she reacts poorly, tries to push people to try or have seconds, and is generally a sourpuss about it, then I think suggesting she take control of wines/crisps/non-baked goods is sensible."
"But if she doesn't comment or make a big deal, then it really doesn't sound like her cooking badly does any harm. No one eats it, and she feels like she's contributed. All it takes is throwing away the food in the end. Minimal hassle for a peaceful holiday that everyone enjoys."
"My brother can't cook, but it's a tradition for everyone to bring something. We just make sure that he's not the only one bringing that type of dish. If he's on potatoes, trust me, at least one other person is, as well."
"Two types of potatoes never hurts anyone, and it solves the issue when he doubtlessly brings something else so unappealingly inedible that most refuse to try it (now, we used to try)." - ececacademic
"But even if she attempts to make a big deal over people's personal preferences, is no one above correcting this childish behavior? Truly cannot go through life thinking that you are entitled to be everyone's preference."
"I'm considered a pretty good cook by most but still come across people who don't like my version of something. It's def not a cause for meltdown." - FiaFlowerz
"The family definitely should just correct the sister's behavior (and mindset), but I know some people are like a dog with a bone when they feel slighted. It would certainly taint every family holiday if you had someone who's always a sourpuss complaining that no one's eating their dish(es)."
"At which point, I can understand trying to diplomatically find a way to avoid the same situation over and over and over." - Mindless-Platypus448
"Rather than throw it away, it would be better to cover the dish and send it home with her. At least it won't be wasted, as she seems to like it. She might also actually realize that nobody else likes it." - shackndon2020
"At this point, you can't handle this diplomatically. They tried to let her off the hook and she's throwing a protest meal inside Thanksgiving dinner. I'd be of two minds to deal with this..."
"Either set up a card table in the garage and put her food out there, which will absolutely escalate this but make it harder for her to force people to try her food."
"Or let her bring her food, but when she tries to push people, set THAT as the boundary, 'Nope. We're not pushing people to eat or try things they don't want as it's rude.' And 'I'm sorry that you're upset that our traditional Thanksgiving food is gone and your 'special' food hasn't been touched, but you chose to waste your time, effort, and money on this after we told you no. You don't get to harass people to make yourself feel less embarrassed.'"
"Or 'Take your biohazards home with your st**ky a** bossy attitude' if you're absolutely done with her." - YellowBrownStones
Others advised letting the sister bring what she wanted but also providing backup options.
"On a small level, I get it. Counter space is always at a premium on Thanksgiving, so having dishes you know no one wants to eat can be frustrating for a host who has to figure it out."
"But this goes way beyond that. OP should see this as a miracle that sis won't tell her what she's bringing, so OP can have all the food and have a perfectly reasonable defense. Let sis hang herself with her questionable food experiments while you just shrug and say, 'I didn't know what you were bringing so I made my full menu.'"
"The only way I see OP making any sense is if they left out how sis is so entirely dramatic and makes the gathering and/or following weeks insufferable with her complaints about how no one ate her food but that seems like a huge thing to omit." - panda3096
"Let her bring what she wants, but make an actual alternative dish yourself for everyone to actually eat. I have a niece that used to do something similar, always changing or substituting some key ingredient, so that it tasted awful, so we had backups."
"Like if she's making her 'famous green bean casserole,' provide another green bean or similar vegetable dish that people can choose instead." - wmgman
"Make buttered peas! It goes great with mashed potatoes and is a similar but not the same vegetable as green beans."
"Or do a broccoli bake with cheese sauce, or maybe green beans with bacon."
"If she does stuffing, do a special kind, like cornbread and sausage."
"If she does sweet potato casserole with marshmallows, make the yams in syrup version."
"We would do this with my aunt. She always insisted on bringing pie but was also 'opposed to sugar,' so her pies were disgusting. We'd just make some pies of different flavors, maybe a cake, so people would have options." - CalamityClambake
"I'd say just make your original menu and let your sister's contributions be extra. I'd set everything up buffet style, so everyone can take what they want."
"If the sister provides little cards for her dishes, that's a bonus as it will let everyone know that these dishes are the 'special' ones and they can choose to take only a small portion if they want (or none). And if the dish turns out to be good, they can always go back and get more."
"OP, you're overthinking it at this point." - cashewkowl
"Just let her bring the green bean casserole and make an actually edible one as a backup. It's not worth it to die on this hill."
"My advice now would be to make so much food that there is absolutely NO room on the table and have her set up her trio somewhere else away from the normal people's food. Or cancel it and have someone else host."
"She's doing it to disrespect YOU in your home so maybe it's not worth it." - Rowana133
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a side-eye-worthy update.
"Alright, well, things have escalated fast. Thanks to everyone who offered advice; I tried to compromise, but it's already turning into a whole thing, and Thanksgiving is still a few weeks away."
"After our last conversation, my sister was being pretty cagey about what she planned to make, so I reached out to my mom, hoping she could help smooth things over."
"Instead, she got defensive, saying I'm 'overthinking' it and that it's just one dish. I told her I wasn't sure it was just one dish anymore, especially after hearing about my sister's grocery haul (including canned oysters and edible glitter)."
"Then my mom let slip that my sister has been 'hard at work' on some 'creative menu' she's planning as her 'Thanksgiving surprise.' Apparently, she's been telling the family group chat (which I wasn't included in, by the way) that I'm being 'controlling' and that she wants to 'expand everyone's palate' with something 'truly unique.'"
"To top it off, my cousin sent me a screenshot from the group chat where my sister said she's bringing not one but three dishes to Thanksgiving now. She's calling them her 'Thanksgiving Trio Experience,' complete with their own place settings and little menu cards she's designing. I'm officially panicking because I have no idea what she's planning to serve, and from what I've heard, it's not remotely traditional."
"At this point, half the family thinks I'm overreacting, while the other half is texting me with things like, 'Is she really bringing glittered sweet potatoes?'"
The OP wasn't sure what to do about Thanksgiving dinner anymore.
"I feel stuck. If I try to control it anymore, I'm the bad guy, but if I don't, Thanksgiving might turn into a tasting event for my sister's avant-garde cooking."
"So yeah, Thanksgiving is weeks away, and it's already become a family spectacle. I don't know whether to brace myself or just preemptively order pizza."
"I still love the idea of giving her a different role, like bringing wines, drinks, or snacks, and still making her feel included without all the pressure around her cooking. The 'two types of potatoes' trick is brilliant, too. I could ask her to bring a sweet potato dish and also make sure there's a traditional one there, so people have an easy fallback if hers is too 'creative.'"
"That way, she still feels she's contributing without the tension of everyone avoiding her dish. Thanks for the insight!"
While the subReddit could understand the OP's concerns, they felt there were either ways to come at the conversation from a different angle to navigate around the sister's questionable dishes without causing an unnecessary family feud.
It might be unfortunate to see questionable dishes at the dinner table and food that we all know is probably going to go to waste at the end of the holiday, but sometimes it's better to let a person feel like they've contributed while you've meaningfully set up a backup plan to save their feelings.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp