Driving is a privilege.
It is also a huge responsibility.
Driving can be dangerous; cars are weapons.
So, making sure everyone behind the wheel and in the car can save lives.
Redditor Odd-Willingness-6250 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for telling my husband he can’t drive the baby places anymore?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My husband and I are new parents, and it’s been stressful for both of us, both physically and mentally, and I need to know if I’m overreacting or not."
"I get really bad motion sickness in cars, and since giving birth, it’s gotten worse to the point that I can’t even be in a moving car longer than 5 minutes."
"For this reason, my husband has taken our child to their last three doctor’s appointments alone."
"Each time when he returned home I have realized that he forgot to strap the baby into the car seat."
"Now my husband is an extremely forgetful person and has been as long as I’ve known him."
"A big part of our relationship has been us working through his memory problems."
"The first time it happened, I nervously laughed it off as a lapse in memory that both of us understood could never be repeated."
"The second time, I freaked out and told him that this was not something that is acceptable to forget."
"The most recent time was this morning, we got into a huge fight about it, and I told him in not-so-nice terms that I do not want him driving alone with the baby anymore."
"My husband thinks this is an over reaction because we both know how bad his memory is and the pediatrician is close by and nothing bad happened on the drives but its like he’s trying to justify gambling our baby’s life based on the fact nothing bad has happened yet… he has buckled the baby in the one other time he’s taken the baby out on his own, but I won’t be comfortable with him driving the baby around til he’s bucking them in 100% of the time."
"He wants us to sit down and brainstorm what we can do to help him remember like we would normally do, and while I agree we can put a plan into place to help him remember in the future until that plan is in place and I know is working I’m not taking any chances so I’ve asked my mother to take my child to their next doctor’s appointment."
"My husband does not like that I’ve gotten my mother involved and says I’m trying to embarrass him, I’ve tried explaining that I didn’t tell my mom why she had to take the baby to the next appointment and also it’s only until my motion sickness is more manageable and I can drive again but he’s really upset that I’ve taken what he sees as drastic action by getting my mom involved at any capacity as well as banning him from driving alone with the baby."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Well, Reddit, AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole
"OMG. Your husband is not fit to drive the child or look after the child."
"If he can’t 'remember' the most basic step of transporting a baby, how will he remember how and when to feed them, or burp them, or change them, or lie them on their back to sleep, or give them medication if needed, or any of the other most basic tasks of caregiving."
"He may leave the baby behind altogether."
"He may leave the baby in an overheated car while he’s running errands."
"You are NTA and not overreacting."
"I don’t understand how your husband is functioning with this level of incompetence."
"Is it willful incompetence?"
"Is it truly deep neurological issues?"
"Both need firm and committed actions with different solutions."
"Absolutely, you need your mother involved to help if she can, but also this man needs to own his incompetence and fix his problem, or he is unfit to parent."
"It’s harsh, but you can’t protect his ego over your baby’s life." ~ TresWhat
"NTA and what do you MEAN he wants to 'brainstorm' with you to see what you can do to make HIM remember?"
"This is beyond forgetfulness."
"This is just not giving a f*ck about the safety of your baby."
"This is an INFANT."
"A hard shake is enough to harm them at this point."
"If someone rear-ended him, or he tapped a pole in the parking lot, at this point, it would be enough to seriously harm your child."
"I wouldn’t let him drive that baby ANYWHERE."
"And I want to say: I also get car sick, but never when I’m driving."
"It would be worth taking non-drowsy Dramamine or asking your OB for medication to treat your nausea to avoid relying on him again."
"This is horrifying."
"I’m very much with you, OP, and I would NOT accept that you need to somehow be involved to help him remember. He puts the baby in the seat! It’s ONE more step, it’s impossible to imagine how you can 'help' him remember when it’s right in front of him." ~ mrswilburforce
"You've said you've spent your entire relationship 'working through these memory problems, ' which begs the question, has he been to a doctor?"
"Has he had a full assessment for issues that could be causing it?"
"Can he remember enough to hold down a job?"
"Does his memory work fine when it's things that he cares about?"
"My son has a disability from brain damage incurred in utero, and he has documented memory problems."
"It's not 'forgetfulness', it's quite literally damage to the part of the brain that holds memory."
"He seems very typical on the outside, but might never be able to live on his own."
"What's more concerning about your husband's 'forgetting' is that he doesn't seem especially remorseful."
"I'm also concerned that he's made you his external brain, without you knowing that's what you are, and then bringing a baby into it that you believed he could care for on his own."
"He thinks that YOU are overreacting because he broke the law and could have killed your baby."
"Because every single time he doesn't buckle the baby in, he IS breaking the law. If he can't remember to buckle the baby in, how is he going to remember not to leave the baby in the bath?"
"To not leave the baby on the changing table? To not leave the baby on the bed?"
You're NTA. But you have a very serious problem that needs help, immediately. This is not something you can fix alone. He NEEDS a doctor. And so do you, for your motion sickness.
"There are options involving medications and possible vestibular rehab." ~ MissKQueenofCurves
"NTA. How in the world can someone forget to STRAP a baby in when he's LITERALLY putting them in their car seat?" ~ icantouchgrass_1
"NTA. It's completely inexcusable to forget this kind of stuff."
"Either his memory is so bad that he shouldn't even be allowed on the road, or he is just making excuses to cover his as*; either way, don't allow him to drive that child anywhere." ~ goldietheswagbear
"NTA. The fact that he doesn't see this as non-negotiable is TERRIFYING."
"Like, I'm worried he has something wrong with his brain that needs medical attention, levels of scary."
"That's so far outside the realms of acceptable."
"Also, are you getting medical attention for the motion sickness?"
"I've never heard of that happening before, but childbirth is crazy and causes all sorts of things."
"I hope you have a good team that is looking after you."
"This isn't something you should have to just deal with."
"Edit six months ago, you posted about how he wasn't putting the work in to build the habit of checking the back seat every time he got out of the car, so you could be sure neither of you would accidentally forget the baby."
"It is unsafe for him to be alone with your child, not just in your car."
"You say if something isn't in his direct line of vision, he will forget about it."
"That's not someone who can mind a child." ~ Anxious_Reporter_601
"NTA- your husband has endangered his child's life and opened himself up to fines/tickets, and depending on where you live, CPS enquiries."
"A simple police stop could lead to extreme consequences." ~ clkinsyd
"NTA. My son is 18 now, and I remember the ONE time when he was a baby that I got home and saw I forgot to buckle his car seat."
"I was an absolute mess imagining what could have happened if I had gotten into an accident." ~ TwoSweetPeas
"NTA. This is beyond forgetfulness."
"Your husband is either a reckless, neglectful ahole, or he has some severe impairment that makes him unfit to care for the baby, and also unfit to be a driver on the road."
"He needs to figure it out. It is not your job to do that for him."
"Your job is to keep your baby safe."
"Don't let anyone make you feel guilty or dramatic for doing exactly that."
"You do, however, need to sort out your motion sickness so that you can fully meet your baby's needs." ~ Pink3lephfants
"Has your husband been to a doctor about the memory issues?"
"These issues are not normal and are putting himself and your child in danger."
"Please get him checked out!" ~ itsnotlookinggood
Reddit is with you, OP.
Your baby's safety comes first.
Also, your partner's safety is important.
You're making sure all will be well.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp