Weddings can carry astronomical bills.
Who pays for it all?
Tradition says, parents.
But that tradition can be outdated.
This can all lead to a lot of family strife.
Redditor Ready-Hurry-8220 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for not paying for my daughters wedding when I have the funds to do so?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My spouse and I have worked hard our whole lives, and we’re now in a very comfortable financial position."
"We could retire tomorrow if we wanted to, but we both enjoy working and plan to continue."
"We have three children, and we paid for all of their college educations so they graduated debt-free."
"We didn’t put any stipulations on what they could study."
"Looking back, maybe we should have."
"Two of our children have very solid careers, while one does not."
"This is about my daughter, whom I’ll call Maria."
"Maria earned a degree that doesn’t translate well into a high-paying career."
"She later went back to get her master’s degree, but that didn’t improve her earning potential either."
"She’s struggling financially, and there has been talk of her going back to school again for a nursing degree, although that would be a difficult transition."
"My spouse and I believe that if you’re mature enough to get married, you’re mature enough to pay for your own wedding."
"Our oldest child got married last year and paid for the wedding themselves."
"It was a lovely wedding."
"Our second child is getting married next month, and they are also paying for their own wedding, which will be fairly expensive."
"Maria recently got engaged, but she and her fiancé don’t have the money to have a wedding as her siblings did."
"She asked if we would pay for it."
"I told her no and said they should have the wedding that she and her future husband can afford."
"She was upset because she knew we had more than enough money to give her a fancy wedding like her siblings had."
"She thinks it’s unfair that she can’t have her dream wedding simply because she earns less than they do."
"I told her that’s just how life works."
"You pay for what you can afford."
"We don’t believe it’s our responsibility to pay for an adult child’s wedding."
"She thinks I’m being unfair and rubbing our money in her face by refusing to help."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Her
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"She CAN have her dream wedding."
"She just needs to pay for it herself, as her siblings did."
"Your money is not hers to decide how to spend. NTA." ~ Hot-Freedom-5886
"Wanting a dream wedding and being able to afford one are two different things."
"Parents aren't obligated to fund an adult child's wedding." ~ Frost_Mist
"Also, there's very little else that is as much of a waste of money as a big wedding, in my honest opinion."
"You spend tens of thousands of dollars on one day, one party, and you get some nice photos and memories."
"The amount people pay for weddings could be a down payment on a home, or a new car, or a dream vacation."
"But instead, they pay it to get Uncle Ed drunk at an open bar."
"Lol... Nobody needs a big wedding, and nobody really cares about your wedding, but you." ~ Just-Like-My-Opinion
"NTA about the wedding, but you may love your daughter, but you don't seem to like or respect her."
"I bet she knows that."
"Hopefully, you don't let that attitude seep into your other children's view of her because it would suck for her whole family to think of her like that." ~ Both-Enthusiasm708
"I felt the same thing might be the case."
"It seems like the OP doesn’t really respect the fact that this child gravitated towards studying something that isn’t rewarded financially… instead of being proud they have a master's degree, they seem to look down on this child’s education." ~ Msdamgoode
"NTA for the situation."
"YTA for the way you talk about your youngest daughter in a negative light."
"You pretty much wrote this out as if you look at her as less than her siblings."
"Out of curiosity, did your other children ask for wedding money, and you say no?"
"This was left out of the story." ~ hopefulchewie
"I agree somewhat."
"While I agree you don’t need to fund her wedding."
"Just because she doesn’t choose a high-paying career doesn’t make her a bad person."
"You speak about her in a negative light, and I can’t help but wonder if you do treat her differently."
"The world needs people who choose different paths."
"What about offering support differently?"
"Can you help her find ways to make it look like a dream wedding on a lower budget?"
"Go with her to consignment stores to find a designer dress at a lower price?"
"Help her thrift cute centerpieces, etc., there are ways to support that don’t involve money."
"Maybe you’re doing all this, and it just didn’t come through in your description."
"NTA for money… maybe emotionally??"
"Everybody needs their mom!" ~ Jillber517
"Definitely NTA."
"You can use your other children as the reason if you want, by saying it wouldn't be fair to them if you paid for Maria's wedding."
"It doesn't matter that they make more money than she does; it would be a slap in their faces if you started treating Maria differently simply due to her financial position."
"If she came and asked you for financial help in order to pay rent or something, that would be an entirely different story."
"But no, she just wants a fancy wedding."
"Hard no." ~ billbar
"NTA - You can guide your children as much as you are able, but you are not responsible for their adult decisions or their adult mistakes."
"I would just fall back on the line that you didn't pay for their siblings' weddings, so it would not be fair to pay for hers. Period."
"She can wait and save if it's that important to her to have a lavish affair."
"I would also suggest gently guiding her to take a step back on all of this (marriage, career change, wedding), and really try to plan for her future."
"Career hopping is not necessarily a bad thing, but nursing is something you really need to love doing."
"I get that it's an in-demand job right now, but it is not for everyone." ~ LightBelowTheSnow
"NTA, I'm guessing you paid for her to get her master's and are willing to help her get her nursing degree."
"That's extremely fortunate for her that you guys are so willing to help them get going in life debt-free."
"I can see why Maria would be bummed with her siblings' weddings so recent, but comparison is the thief of joy; maybe they just have to save up longer to have the wedding they feel they deserve." ~ too-many-critters
"NTA. You are doing what you have done for your other children."
"She needs to learn how to live within her means, and that starts with having the wedding you can afford."
"Just because you could afford to pay for it doesn't mean you should." ~ jellybeannc
"NTA in my opinion, but I think that spending thousands on a wedding that lasts a single day is irresponsible."
"You should spend that money on your future."
"Also, how would your other kids feel after they worked hard to pay for their own?" ~ Cold_Swordfish7763
"NTA. Look at it this way, it would be totally unfair for you to pay for her wedding when you didn't pay for her siblings' wedding either."
"OP, you and your wife gave all your children a more than fair start in life."
"Each of them was free to choose their life paths and did."
"Your job as 'financiers' for them is over and done with."
"That doesn't mean you don't love and support them; it's just that whatever happens next is for each of them to figure out."
"You said quite rightly that she and her future spouse should opt for the wedding they can afford."
"Besides, there is more to marriage than the actual wedding, so she needs to do her research concerning how to have a nice wedding on a shoestring budget."
"It's very possible."
"But one thing you need to make clear to your daughter is that she has no right to watch everyone else's pockets."
"What you and your spouse have financially and what her siblings and their spouses have financially is none of her business." ~ moew4974
"NTA. She can be just as married at the courthouse as at an exotic venue."
"Does she want to get married or have a big party in a fancy dress?"
"Our wedding was budget, but plenty pretty."
"Paid for by ourselves."
"Almost three decades later, it barely even figures in our lives."
"We're too busy with everything else to sit down and go through the album."
"When we do, it's like we're looking at two strangers; everything is so different from back then."
"Most of the fancy weddings I've been to have been marred by divorce."
"A total waste of money."
"In fact, two marriages failed because of wedding debt."
"It's no way to build the background of a home."
"Time goes on, and the importance of our wedding fades into the distance."
"It's more important that we're married, devoted to each other, and are looking ahead, not behind." ~ Any_Community_1819
Reddit agrees with you, OP.
It's your money; you get to decide how it's spent.
Your daughter is learning a difficult lesson.
You're not trying to be cruel.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp