Gift-giving can be fun and deeply personal.
Some will spend extravagantly on others rather than themselves.
So it can be off-putting when the receiver wants to re-gift an expensive purchase.
Who should get what is a good question.
Redditor u/OkAd3894 wanted to share her experience and get feedback, so she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for asking for my gift back from my mom, after she promised it to my S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw]?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"So I (39, F[emale]) got my mom an expensive LED-light face mask for her 60th birthday two years ago."
"The mask and the accompanying gel amounted to $500."
"Obviously I didn’t tell her the price, but I assumed she might know the extent of the gift, since she had been really into skincare and talking about what non-invasive methods would help with slowing down skin aging."
"Throughout the last two years, it has spontaneously come up in conversation that she hadn’t used it much, due to her finding it tough to incorporate its use in a routine."
"Lately she’s been sending me pictures of her skin on WhatsApp and asking me what creams I would advise, etc."
"I made recommendations and asked her if she’s using the LED mask."
"She tells me no, because she’s scared it will damage her eyes."
"I told her that if she isn’t using it, I’ll take it."
"She then tells me that she recently promised it to my SIL (F, 24), because the SIL had been talking about how she regularly gets microneedling, etc and wants to replace her cheaper LED mask."
"I responded, a little taken aback, and told my mom that she could’ve asked me first since I got it."
"My mom told me I can just get a new one for myself, and that’s when I told her the price indication."
"My mom didn’t believe me, and I actually dug up the receipt in my email and showed her."
"She then told me, 'No way, let me text her and tell her that I had promised it to you first.'"
"Ever since, I’ve been catching an off vibe with my SIL, who I have an otherwise good bond with."
"For some context, I’ve always found it uneasy to spend money on myself and on things I find 'frivolous' and a bit silly, but I don’t mind getting others big gifts."
"It has nothing to do with the finances; we’re more than comfortable."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITH for basically indirectly asking for my gift back from my mom after she promised it to my SIL?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"After you gift an item, you don't get to tell someone what they can do with it."
"They own it now." ~ thewontondisregard
"The mom should have discussed it with OP first."
"It's not just about the price, but the gift came from her daughter."
"Not a stranger, which makes the difference."
"The same thing happened with my mom when she found out my stepbrother gave away the dining room set that she gifted to him."
"She felt really disappointed." ~ IceSeeker
"I've seen similar sentiments on Reddit before, and it's a really hard-a*s take."
"When the giver is a regular part of your life and is going to find out that you disposed of their gift, especially if it was expensive, you need to consider their feelings."
"The mother should have discussed it with OP before promising it to anyone else."
"SIL is salty because she counted her chickens before they hatched."
"Not OP's problem that she developed some entitlement to something that wasn't yet hers." ~ Sufficient-Candy-835
"The mom wants to give the $500 gift that she can’t and doesn’t use back to the person who spent the $500 to get her the gift."
"This has nothing to do with in-laws not being family and everything to do with a mom realizing her daughter spent $500 on a gift that she didn’t want and the mom wanting to make sure her daughter either gets her money back or gets to use the gift so it doesn’t go to waste."
"The SIL is literally out nothing; in fact, the sister-in-law already has a cheaper version of the gift."
"The daughter, on the other hand, would be out $500, and since the SIL and OP aren’t that close, I doubt the OP would have gifted her a $500 present."
"All the mom is doing is giving a gift she didn’t want back to the person who gave it to her."
"I’m also sure the OP is going to give her mom another gift that she would actually like."
"So, the SIL isn’t out anything."
"The mom won’t be out a gift, and the OP won’t be out $500."
"Sounds perfect to me." ~ Electrical_Beach169
"This is a bit much, but the LED thing is already in the family."
"That said, I am 44 and have been taking care of my skin with anti-aging products for 20 years."
"Back when I started, the market wasn’t like it is today."
"We didn’t have TikTok influencers selling us every new thing."
"My mom just counseled me to create a basic routine."
"In my 30s, my skin changed, and I tweaked it."
"I recently tweaked it again."
"The preventative care I’ve taken is noticeable."
"I have never had an injection or any of those kinds of things and don’t wear makeup anymore at all (lip gloss doesn’t count!)."
"I get complimented all the time on my skin, and people are often shocked when I tell them my age."
"You can’t reverse aging with face products, but you can slow it down."
"And if you start young, you are ahead of the game." ~ APFernweh
"To some extent, I understand the people saying once you gift an item to someone, you no longer have a say in what they do with it; but I feel the context makes all the difference here."
"For most of us, I think we’d agree this was a fairly expensive gift at $500 (whatever your views on the efficacy of LED masks)."
"Because OP’s mom claims she had no clue of its value - which I find hard to believe if she’s done even the most cursory research on current anti-aging trends, something she’s expressed an interest in - it’s understandable that OP would find it hurtful that her mom was just going to carelessly hand it off to someone who absolutely shouldn’t be using it in her 20s anyway."
"I truly think she should’ve given OP first dibs if she decided she had no use for it."
"OP obviously put a great deal of thought into this present, and her mother clearly doesn’t appreciate that at all."
"Even if she actually didn’t have a clue about the value of the mask, wouldn’t you ask your own daughter if it’s okay to give it away to somebody else, especially when her mother’s use of the device - or apparent lack thereof - had repeatedly come up in conversation between them over the course of two years?"
"Unfortunately, the mother’s actions have now caused friction from the SIL (who DEFINITELY knew the value of the item) towards OP, which could’ve all been avoided if she hadn’t been so thoughtless with OP’s gift. NTA." ~ The_Notorious_DOG
"NTA. I once gifted something to my mom, and she wasn’t using it either."
"For two years, I kept telling her that if she’s not going to use it, I’d be happy to use it."
"Then one day I found out she gave it to my sister."
"I was frustrated, to say the least." ~ Southern_Let4385
"NTA. I bought my mom a nice leather purse because she loves brown leather."
"She didn't use it at all, and I finally asked her to have it if she wasn't going to use it."
"I would have been annoyed if she had given it to a friend because I put some thought into it, and my MOM knows that." ~ Historical-List3360
"NTA. It’s your MOM."
"I think y’all are close enough that you can go, 'Mama, that gift was super expensive. I’ll take it back if you don’t want it anymore.'"
"She’s also clearly not offended, so I think you’re good."
"I’m kind of side-eyeing your SIL."
"Sounds like she was angling after something she clearly knows is worth more than your mom realizes and is feeling awkward that she got caught."
"If she is super into aesthetic treatments and devices, she definitely knew what it’s worth, and instead of reassuring your mom that the premium device you got her is very expensive and safe to use (after all, she has a cheaper one herself!), she was like, 'Oh, no worries, just give it to me.'" ~ Illustrious-Chair95
"NAH and I kind of don't think there's any issue here."
"I think it's fine to ask for a gift back that your mom is not using."
"It's fine that she offered it to SIL."
"It's fine that OP said, 'Actually, I'd like it back since it was expensive, rather than giving it to SIL.'"
"'It's fine that mom agreed and now OP got it back.'"
"'SIL didn't have the same claim as OP, and mom, as the gift receiver, gets to decide where it goes if she doesn't want it.'"
"'Maybe OP finds one of similar value but maybe a little less expensive and on sale and gifts it to SIL for Christmas?" ~ Dull_Double1531
Reddit is with you, OP.
Your mom could've asked you first.
You weren't trying to take from your SIL.
Maybe you should try to talk to her about it.
