There are milestones every parent simply can’t wait to live to see their child experience.
Their first day of school, graduating high school and college, and of course, their wedding day.
Of course, life is unpredictable, and some parents may find themselves unable to be present on one or more of these very special days.
Sometimes even resulting in estrangement between them and their children.
Redditor jayjay-84 found himself shocked and disappointed when he learned the date of his eldest daughter’s wedding.
Unfortunately, the date marked a somber anniversary in the original poster (OP)’s life, and as such, he found himself unable to attend his daughter’s wedding.
Much to the disappointment and annoyance of his daughter and extended family.
Wondering if he was being insensitive to his daughter, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for not going to my daughters wedding?”
The OP explained why he felt he was unable to attend his eldest daughter’s wedding.
“The wedding was on march 25, which coincides with my other daughters birthday.”
“She was born March 25, 2022.”
“She was barely 3 months when she passed away.”
“My wife (not my eldest daughter’s mother) has been wanting to celebrate our daughter’s life on the date of her birth.”
“I also didn’t feel it appropriate to leave my wife on this day since she is still grieving (as am I) and we haven’t fully come to terms with things.”
“When my eldest daughter was planning her wedding, I told her I’m doubtful I’d be there if she chose this date.”
“I understand march 25 is significant to her relationship and that’s why she chose it, but it just wasn’t feasible for me.”
“I was not even in a good place mentally on that day.”
“It was a day of tears.”
“Obviously there is a lot of guilt about missing my eldest daughters special day, but I honestly don’t know if what I did was wrong.”
“Her side of the family has been sending me a lot of scathing messages, particularly her mother.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for skipping his eldest daughter’s wedding to grieve the loss of his younger daughter.
Many felt that the OP was absolutely in the right to stay with his grieving wife, and felt his daughter should have thought more carefully in choosing a wedding date.
“It’s not just the dead child, but to leave your partner who is mourning the loss of your child on what would have been the child’s first birthday?”
“That’s a pretty big deal.”
“One year ago, the partner who was not invited gave birth to their baby.”
‘Their baby never got a birthday to celebrate.”
“Anniversaries are significant.”- Embarrassed-Debate60
“You have a valid reason and clearly communicated it in proper time.”
“You did everything you have in your power.”- JegHaderStatistik
“The baby died 9 months ago (it’s the baby’s birthday not death anniversary).”
“I really can’t understand people saying ‘you still have a living daughter’ when they just lost the baby, these people are nasty, honestly.”
“What a great daughter she is.”- nalutard
“The real AH(‘s) here is your daughter’s mother, and the others sending those messages.”
“I find nothing more infuriating than people who speak on matters that they aren’t familiar with or have a place speaking on.”- anxiousbog1334
“I lost my daughter and I spend her birthday writing letters to her.”
“The first, what I imagine that year with her would have been like and the second, promises of what I will do to honor her that year.”
“I love my son and would do almost anything for him-but barring an emergency-this day is special to me and a way for me to still feel connected to her.”- Respond-Think
“It’s been less than a year since you lost your child.”
“This should have been her birthday.”
“My heart goes out to you for the pain you must be experiencing.”
“The fact that some people on here think that ‘ThE BrIDeS sPeCiAl DaY’ is the most important thing going on here is shocking and ludicrous.”
“Your child should have either picked a different significant date or waited a year or two.”-neobeguine
“Because you warned her BEFORE she cemented the date.”- rosworms
“This is just an all round horrible situation and I really feel for you.”
“You made a very hard choice and chose what you thought was right.”
“Sorry for your loss.”- KC87NQ
“There is no way to go to a wedding and be happy on that day.”
“My daughter died in September, I only went to my sisters wedding in April to get drunk, and I spent half the day crying.”
“That was 6 years ago the end of next month.”
“While it gets easier, I still spend a lot of the day crying in her birthday and the day she died.”
“I do think the older daughter is a bit of an AH for having her wedding on her sister’s birthday, without considering how the baby’s family will feel on that day.”- MelChi522
There were others, though, who felt that since that date did have significance for the OP’s eldest daughter, she had every right to choose it for her wedding day, even if the OP still did nothing wrong by not attending the wedding.
“I’m going to go against the grain and say NAH in this situation.”
“Firstly, I am so very sorry for your horrific loss, and send you so much love and a big hug across the internet.”
“You have obviously gone through the worst thing imaginable for a parent to experience, and that date hardly evokes joy as a result.”
“You are not in a party mood, which is understandable, and attending the wedding would’ve been so very difficult.”
“Your daughter has special significance herself for that date, which makes sense to use as a wedding date.”
“Also… your daughter may also be sad about her baby sister and may possibly be using the wedding as a way to turn a sad date into a celebratory date going forward.”
“It seems like a clumsy way to do that, but it is possible that this is her intention.”- majesticjewnicorn
“OP wanted the day to grieve his daughter’s death, that is perfectly okay, and in fact, if he showed up to the wedding in a foul mood, it may have soured the entire night for others.”
“Daughter wanted to celebrate her marriage on a day special to her and her partner.”
“That is perfectly okay because the wedding is about them and nobody else.”
“Therefore, she has every right to run her wedding however and whenever she likes, and she is also allowed to feel upset when a guest cannot make it.”
“It’s unfortunate both days happened to fall on the exact same date, but the only AH I can see in this situation is the daughter’s side of the family who is shaming a man for grieving the loss of his child.”- D0zzy-
“I don’t think it’s wrong for you to not go.”
“You’re grieving, and you wouldn’t have been able to be present emotionally and mentally.”
“I also don’t think it’s wrong for your daughter to be upset.”
“She chose a date that was special to her relationship and wanted you as her father to be there.”
“You couldn’t be, and that’s fine.”
“Doesn’t mean she can’t be/won’t be upset.”
“It’s unfortunately just one of those things that’ll have naturally lingering consequences.”
“The date has passed, and you’re not going to be able to redo your daughter’s wedding.”
“It’s one of those once-in-a-lifetime things that won’t happen again.”
“There’s really not much to be said or done after that point.”- hightidesoldgods
“Αaaah there is no harder pain than the loss of your child.”
“It’s a sh*tty situation, whichever way you look at it.”
“Missing your daughter’s wedding is bad, but so is not being with your wife on the first birthday of your baby who passed away.”
“I wouldn’t have been able to pick myself, and I think a lot of people would have struggled to pick.”
“It was inevitable that someone would have been upset either way.”
“In this circumstance, I’d have said do whatever you feel most comfortable with.. for me, I don’t think I could have been happy at a wedding on that date.”
“I personally would have changed the date to not coincide with my sister’s birthday.”- HannaaaLucie
It is sad that what might be the happiest day of the OP’s eldest daughter’s life also falls on a day that will always bring sadness and mourning to the OP.
No doubt, he will regret missing his daughter’s wedding.
But it also seems fairly clear that he wouldn’t be able to enjoy himself on what should be a joyous occasion for everyone.