Making a visiting guest feel welcome is usually a house rule.
Who doesn't like to be a gracious host?
But sometimes certain guests have requests or suggestions that may seem... out of line.
When this happens the visit tends to take a sour turn.
Because it's often expected that guests will also be gracious.
Redditor spaceneededaita wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA For not changing how I live for my step-son's G[irl]F[riend]?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My stepson, Ben (20 M[ale]), is living with us right now during summer break from college."
"About a month ago, he asked if his GF from college, Liv, could stay with us the rest of the summer because she is going through a rough time at home."
"I wasn't fully on board with the idea because we already have our 2 other kids (11 and 9) in the house and having 4 adults and 2 kids in our space is a lot."
"My wife has a soft spot for Ben and struggles to say no to him, so my concerns were dismissed and now Liv is living with us until they go back to school."
"There have been a few issues that have come up since Liv came, pretty much all of which have to do with me."
"First, one of the big reasons Liv wanted to change her living situation is because her parents are alcoholics."
"Now, I don't drink every day but I do have alcohol in the house and I like to imbibe with a meal sometimes or have a few cocktails on weekends."
"This is triggering for Liv to see a parent drinking with kids around."
"Second, Liv is vegan."
"We eat a lot of meat in our house."
"Pretty much every meal has a meat involved."
"I also hunt, so we eat meat that I have harvested and I have a few mounts on the walls."
"This makes Liv especially uncomfortable."
"Ben and Liv sat down with my wife and me this past weekend and offered some suggestions to help make Liv's time here easier."
"Their first suggestion was that if I want to drink, I should do it in private and not around the kids."
"I tried to interject when they suggested this, but they asked me to let them finish before saying anything."
"Their next suggestion was to allow Liv to cook vegan meals for us so that we didn't eat so much meat all the time."
"She offered to do grocery shopping and meal planning to provide vegan meals for us instead of our usual meals."
"Finally, they asked if I could remove the mounts from the walls of the house until they go back to school in 6 weeks."
"When they finished, I asked if it was ok for me to talk now and they said yes."
"I told them that my answer to all of their suggestions is 'No.'"
"I told them that while I appreciate Liv's offer to cook for us and she is free to cook a few vegan meals for us during the week if she wants, but we are not going to completely change our diets for one person."
"But as far as their other suggestions... not happening."
"My wife spoke up and said that maybe it wouldn't hurt to try their suggestions for a little bit and see how things go."
"She said it's only 6 weeks and that changing our lifestyles a little bit for a short period wouldn't kill us."
"I told all 3 of them that if they want to change the way they live, they are free to do so."
"But they are not going to force me to change the way I live in my own home for a temporary guest."
"I told them if that means I cook separate meals for myself, so be it."
"But the mounts stay, and if I want a beer or a glass of wine, I'm going to have one."
"All 3 of them think I am being unreasonable and that they aren't asking too much of me for a short period of time."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA - your wife is correct in that it's only six short weeks, so precious Livvy will be fine and can practice her tolerance skills!!!"
"If she's not comfy, perhaps these free accommodations are not the best for her."
"Hopefully, your stepson wakes up and does not marry this entitled twit." ~ Shutupandplayball
"And OP, maybe have a private conversation with your wife first, and ask her if you and she were to visit and stay with any of your friends and wider family, would she be happy to sit them down with a list of demands for changes to their home and habits during your visit?!"
"Pick some specific examples, especially people who have habits that are annoying or add odds with yours, and see if she thinks it acceptable guest behavior then."
"Literally the only acceptable change request examples I can think of are safety related, eg.. moving glass ornaments or using a stair gate because the guests have a toddler, or no nuts in the house because a guest is anaphylactic allergic to them. NTA." ~ perusalandtea
"I'm sorry if Liv is so 'uncomfortable,' then it might be in Liv's best interest to find somewhere else to live!"
"Rather than disrupting your household by redecorating your home, changing the family diet, and making you go on the wagon or become a closeted drinker!"
"Who does she think she is? NTA." ~ YouthNAsia63
"NTA. This girl is going to have a difficult time adjusting to reality."
"She is getting free housing and wants it to adjust to her."
"You did say some vegan meals are fine, so you are willing to do enough compromising."
"I assume she had been to the house previously and knew what it was like." ~ Having-hope3594
"NTA. This is a great lesson to them that you cannot always control the world around you, and you certainly cannot control other people."
"She is lucky to be a guest and guests should never make the kind of asks she is making; it is not polite or respectful."
"If your lifestyle is so hard for her, then your home is not the safe place she needs, and she should make other arrangements."
"The biggest issue I see is why does your wife think this is okay?"
"Has she been making some similar requests to yours before?"
"PS. I am taking you at your word you drink lightly. If you drink more than two tipples every day, they might have a point." ~ TheEmpressIsIn
OP responded...
"My wife has never made any suggestions like this before."
"But, like I said, she has a soft spot for Ben."
"She had him when she was quite young, and I think a part of her wants to be the 'cool mom.'"
"As for the drinking, I don't drink often."
"Some weeks I will drink 2-3 days."
"Sometimes I will go 1-2 weeks without a sip."
"But I have it in the house, and if the mood strikes or I want to pair a drink with a meal, I do it."
Reddit continued...
"My wife once told me that when we were dating she worried about my drinking because her parents are alcoholics."
"But after a while, she realized that I never drank to get drunk and that I was very responsible with my drinking."
"She mentioned this because I had let my oldest drive us home when I had had a few drinks at a family get-together."
"I stuck to my 1 per hour drink limit and wasn't feeling any effects of alcohol."
"But I didn't want to set a bad example for my kids, so I just handed over the keys."
"It sounds to me like you are providing a good example for safe, moderate alcohol consumption." ~ SonOfDadOfSam
"My dad was an alcoholic (he did stop drinking and died a sober man), but my mom worried her kids would turn out that way."
"She could not shake it."
"Mind you, I have literally gone a few years without drinking just because. No reason."
"Just wasn't in the mood."
"I can take it or leave it, and most of the time, I leave it."
"So, I'm 60 and having a glass of wine, and she comments on it."
"I said, 'I'm sixty. If I haven't exhibited any signs of alcoholism by now, I think it's safe to assume I'm good here.'"
"She finally conceded that was true."
"However, she never ever commented on anyone's drinking outside of her kids."
"Liv is TA here, along with wife and son."
"OP is NTA for any of it."
"The gall. Honestly." ~ One-Low1033
"Your wife is the real problem here."
"She disregarded your concerns about the girlfriend moving in and then has the audacity to back said girlfriend's ridiculous requests."
"She's the biggest a**hole in this situation. NTA." ~ scout1982
"NTA. I believe it is crazy to come into someone else's house as a guest and think that you get to control how they live."
"She gets to control herself."
"She doesn't get to control you."
"She doesn't get to control the whole house."
"I think your wife and son need lessons in appropriate boundaries."
"Liv's requests are not reasonable." ~ SushiGuacDNA
"NTA. The issues Liv has are hers to manage."
"Hiding to drink is much more of an issue than being responsible and public about your intake."
"Offering to cook all meals is nice, but you're not required to change everything about your diet for a long-term guest."
"I think Liv needs some therapy."
"It's good she has a safe place to stay, but she needs to learn to manage her own triggers and work through issues without demanding others change their lives on her behalf." ~ Willing-Helicopter26
"NTA - Your stepson and his gf are young enough to think they get to have an opinion while living rent-free in your house."
"Your wife is weak. Stay strong."
"It's your home first and foremost."
"If they complain they are free to leave." ~ BeeJackson
"Imagine having the audacity to ask your hosts to change how they behave in their own home."
"Absolutely NTA."
"This is a good life lesson for Liv that not everyone in the world will cater to her precious feelings." ~ theworldisonfire8377
"NTA - it's only 6 weeks, so changing her lifestyle for such a short period won't kill her." ~ SunshineShoulders87
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
This is your home.
You're entitled to live as you wish.
It may be time for you and your wife to have a serious talk about Ben and boundaries.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp