Relationships are about give and take.
Compromise.
So what happens when there's no compromise offered, just an invasion?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Day-Atmosphere344 when she came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
"AITA for not letting friends from out of town stay at my home?"
A standard beginning.
"My (30F) boyfriend (35M) has 2 friends who live in another state, let's call them Jack and Liz."
"They want to come visit us in our state with their 4 children, ages ranging from 5-10."
"I live in the downtown area of our city while my boyfriend lives about 1 hour away in the suburbs."
A packed schedule.
"My house is close to where I go to school full-time (about a 5 minute walk) and also close to where I work (10 minute walk to my first job, 10 minute drive to my second job)."
"I live with my 3 dogs and because of my busy schedule, I have a dog walker come everyday to feed and care for them."
"When Jack and Liz come to visit with their kids, they are asking to stay at my house."
"Here's the thing though, they want me to leave my house so that their family can stay there with complete privacy."
"I think it is also worth noting that I have never met or spoken to Jack and Liz before (they are my boyfriend's friends and not mine)."
"Also, they are originally from our city, so they have their parents and family members who still live here. They seem pretty wealthy mostly because they tell my boyfriend that they are."
"Liz is a SAHM and has never worked before because Jack has had multiple inheritances from deceased family members and he brags about his high-paying job."
"They also own about 10 rental properties that they collect passive income from (believe they bought these houses with the inheritances)."
"Before meeting Jack, Liz also did not work because her family is wealthy and supported her."
Logistical issues.
"The thing is, my commute to work and school (I have one or both 7 days a week) is over an hour each way from my boyfriend's house in the suburbs."
"I already have such long days that changing my commute to be 2+ hours a day, even for a week, is giving me anxiety with all of the stuff I have going on between work and school."
"Also, I don't have anyone to walk my dogs at my boyfriend's house and even if I were to hire a dog walker, he doesn't want a stranger having access to enter his house."
"Finally, it would just be really uncomfortable to have to leave my own home and I am also nervous about having young children running around my house when I am not there and my home is not childproofed."
Further issues.
"My boyfriend seems disappointed in me because I am not opening my home to his friends, and I am already making a bad impression on them."
"He also thinks that I am doing this because I am deciding to not like them based on what I know about them (just what I've heard from him)."
"Stuff like they are always asking to use my streaming logins but keep logging me out. When their dogs get old, they abandon them at shelters so they can make room for new puppies..."
"I do think that this kind of stuff bothers me, BUT I think that even if it were my own friends making this housing request of me, I would tell them to get a hotel or stay at their parent's houses."
OP was left to wonder,
"So, AITA?"
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some were shocked at the request.
"No, you're NTA wtf?"
"You're not a frigging air B&B."
"Let me guess. They didn't even offer anything to compensate. And with four kids, you can't even trust that they won't trash your house."
"Just say no to them. You have no obligation to them or your boyfriend to disrupt your working week or your dogs for them." ~ Gumgums66
"'They want me to leave my house so that their family can stay there with complete privacy.'"
"Are they for real??"
"I cannot believe the audacity of anyone to ask you to do that, much less people you've never met before (and their four children)."
"NTA."
"Tell them air bnb offers full property rentals to suit their privacy needs."
"I just wanted to add that for anyone who stopped reading at the quote above, like me, she also said these people abandon their dogs at shelters when they get old to make room for new puppies."
"I would not let those people sleep in the dirtiest corner of my garage." ~ champagneformyrealfr
So many flags.
"NTA and holy red flags about your boyfriend."
"No one is entitled to stay at your home, and they especially aren't entitled to just take it over for a week. That's insane, and no one with healthy boundaries would allow that to happen."
"The fact that your boyfriend is disappointed in you for wanting to stay in your own house is a huge red flag." ~ JazzyLizard27
"I would leave BF right away if he is OK with pets being abandoned like that. Seriously, ask her for her streaming stuff as well?"
"This whole story is just beyond insane. What they are asking is insane. Their behavior towards animals is insane. The entitlement is just like so weird."
"Seriously, if the BF is OK with any of this, that is a red flag parade." ~ kmonsen
"NTA, and you don't have a housing issue. You have a boyfriend issue."
"See this for the red flag it is and values your self-respect above the approval of a crappy partner. Ask your boyfriend why his/his friend's feelings are more important than yours."
"They can easily stay somewhere - do not feel obligated and cave." ~ HisDukka
The boyfriend was not immune to judgment.
"The fact that bf doesn't want a stranger having access to his house (dog walker) but expects OP to do the same...." ~ Nymph-the-scribe
"Boyfriend also said she was… 'already making a bad impression on them."'
"Holy mother of God, who cares what these evil a-holes think of OP! He should be worried that they were making a bad impression on her—his partner!"
"Jeez, these people! Don't give this ludicrous idea another thought other than to talk to your bf about theirs and his audacity." ~ Blue-Being22
"While the bf refuses to let a dog walker handle the dogs because HE doesn't like strangers in HIS house. But insists on letting strangers stay in hers." ~ Desperate-Jelly5566
"This. OP, your BF is a massive hypocrite."
"This is what you need to text him back:"
'"Your friends are not welcome to kick me out of my home.'"
"'My home is not an air B&B, and I will not vacate it for their or anyone's convenience. Their demand and the fact that you think it even remotely acceptable to ask this of me leaves a VERY bad taste in my mouth."'
"'They are rude beyond belief, but the fact that you even think it appropriate to ask this of me leaves me wondering about your judgment. Do NOT ask this of me again.'"
"'They may not stay at my house. You and they are both rude."'
"Honestly, Sis?"
"He is a jerk. They are bigger jerks."
"He wants to massively inconvenience you so his friends can take advantage of staying at your place for free without being inconvenienced by you."
"THAT is an AH move."
"Hard NTA. NTA by any stretch."
"He is a massive AH, and his friends are mooches and users, plus all-around bad people for abandoning their pets." ~ Adventurous-Try1728
OP did return with some more clarity.
"My boyfriend lost both his parents young (when he was 16 and 22), and he doesn't have siblings or much extended family. He considers his friends from high school as his family."
"I am trying to be sensitive to his situation because, essentially, he thinks that I should be more accommodating to his friends since they are his family."
"Regarding their past actions for their family pets, I find it absolutely abhorrent."
"When I've brought it up, I've been told that I am out of line because I don't have a family/children."
"My boyfriend thinks any criticism of their actions towards pets is a criticism of them as parents, which, since I don't have kids, I shouldn't be allowed to voice opinions on stuff I don't know about."
"My boyfriend thinks that at least 2 of the abandoned dogs may be attributed towards PPD since they were both within a year of a baby being born."
"However, I feel like the fact that animal family members were the victims, this is still abhorrent behavior."
Relationships are a compromise, a dance between needs and wants that can shift a thousand times.
Demands, forced choices, and uncomfortable requests are not a relationship.
We wish the OP well with this situation.
Woman Breaks Up With 'Clingy' Boyfriend For Making Joke About 'Getting With' Her Sister
As much as we might want to date someone, there's no point in trying to gain the attention and affection of someone who does not want to reciprocate.
Dating someone "similar" to fill that void isn't a good look, either, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Flashy-External1666 had been long-distance dating a guy from her friend group for about a month, even though he'd expressed his attraction to her older sister repeatedly before they started dating.
When her sister entered a new relationship, the Original Poster (OP) was hurt and disgusted that her boyfriend insinuated that he could have been trying to "get with" her sister while he was instead busy dating her.
She asked the sub:
The OP was aware that her boyfriend had his eye on someone close to her before dating her.
"I (19 Female) am with M (21 Male), and we've been together for a month. We were friends before this, for a while."
"For some background, when we were in a friend group, he'd always talk about how my sister (23 Female) was super hot and how he wanted her, but she was in a relationship at the time."
When he found out that her sister had been in-between relationships, he had an unsavory reaction.
"Earlier today, I mentioned to him how my sister started seeing this new guy, and I was super proud of her, because she went through a lot with her last relationship."
"His immediate reply was, 'Dang,' one month too late' with a sad emoji, insinuating that he was one month too late to get with her, because we've been together for a month."
You can see the text message exchange here:
The OP was immediately turned off by the idea of dating him.
"After I got upset and he apologized, he immediately sent me a reel that said, 'When she's already upset about me, but I have a second joke in mind.'"
"I feel like he genuinely doesn't care about me."
"He has also gotten weirdly clingy within the month, like red-flag clingy."
"He keeps trying to say how he loves me, wants to marry me, and wants me to go live with him. But he also always brings up my exes and gets super jealous when HE mentions them."
"I don't know what to do. Should I block him??"
"He's mentioned before that I would need to block him on everything if we ever broke up because he'd never leave me alone (we are currently long-distance)."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some were grossed out by the boyfriend's text message and understood why the OP was upset.
"The fact that he wrote all that out and even added a little emoji at the end and still decided to send it, knowing it would be hurtful for you."
"Seems like he’s texted that to see if he could get away with it. Either way, you don’t say something like that to someone you care about…" - Oven_Traditional
"NOR. Ew! That’s so disrespectful coming from someone who should be thrilled to have you."
"I’m team 'dump him.' If he has a brother, maybe ask for his brother’s number as you end it just to see how he likes it." - Entire-Tonight-1463
"NOR. He's not joking about your sister. Based on what he's said about her in the past, it would have been a wise move to NOT date him at all. PERIOD."
'There's a possibility that he's clingy/close to you for the purpose of indirectly keeping an eye on your sister. Release him and let him go, thereby setting yourself free from foolishness." - AtlJazzy2024
"He’s not for you… Break up with him and block him. You deserve a guy who treasures YOU!" - Muted-Lynx-8745
"He might be your boyfriend, but you're not his girlfriend. In his mind, your sister is." - Save-your-spoons
Others urged the OP to block her boyfriend and move on.
"Girl, it's been a month. Let that loser go." - sleepymelfho
"He kept OP as a backup, while circling her sister's orbit. What has happened to transparency and honesty in relationships? All I read now is obnoxious men doing obnoxious things to their partners."
"OP, he's keeping you around to stay close to your sister. You deserve better... NOR." - ColdHandGee
"NOR. You know that he's not joking about wanting your sister. He told on himself before you even got together, talking about how hot she was. Believe him."
"Break up with him and cut him off immediately. I can't believe you ever agreed to date him in the first place. I'd never want to date someone who had the hots for someone else in my immediate circle, whether that was a sibling or a friend." - Lanky_Mud_8148
"You’ve been dating one month, and that’s one month too long."
"He’s not joking about your sister. He fancies her more than you, and you’re the consolation prize. He will pursue her given the chance."
"Time to dump him." - Special_Wind_6708
"NOR. He can't have your sister, so you're just the next best thing. Him being a clingy weirdo that 'will never leave you alone' is the cherry on top."
"You know what to do. Dump him and block him on everything. If anyone from the friend group asks, just tell them what you told us. And you REALLY should warn your sister; you have receipts." - sdoM-bmuD
"Ditch him. Honestly. What are you waiting for?" - forget_me_not_uwu
"NOR at all. Cut this loser out of all channels of your life."
"I wouldn’t block, though. Just ghost so that he can watch you become happier without him as the ultimate revenge because I’m petty like that, and he clearly deserves it."
"ALSO, if he's as creepy and clingy as he sounds, you can have him muted, so he can see your activity, but you won't have to see his... But you'd have all of his messages as receipts if he ever became threatening or stalkerish for police purposes."
"For more context: My mum started dating my dad (when she was 19, too), who initially tried to go for her older sister (two years older) and got rejected."
"After three years of dating, seven years of engagement, and 20 years of marriage where she put up with an incompetent man-child that wouldn’t do anything for himself and expected her to completely cater to him while he berated her and treated her like s**t..."
"...it ended in him cheating on her with a waitress for over a year and denying it until my mum had literal photographic evidence, to which he had the audacity to respond with the reasoning that she was the reason he was 'driven to cheat' (as if that was even remotely close to the truth and the only option to solve his ‘problems’)."
"Save yourself, girl. This man-child can learn to pine over you and your sister from afar as you both skip into the sunset together, moving on with your lives and into better relationships that fulfill you the way you deserve!" - peachycritter
Some cautioned the OP to also cover her tracks after the breakup, as he sounded worse than "clingy" to them.
"The actual scary part isn't even the sister joke; it's, 'he said he'd never leave me alone if we broke up,' only one month in."
"That line gave me chills, and that alone would have me Googling how to block someone on every platform that exists." - babydoodle91
"Ew. These super clingy guys right out the gate are scary. Please watch your step, and erase your tracks." - Immabirb
"He sounds like a stalker... Drop him now, fast. And block him everywhere." - Admirable_Program720
"NOR, yes, you block him, and you keep him out of your life, and you tell mutual friends that if they try to facilitate contact between you two, you will block them as well. He isn't joking." - JustAsICanBeSoCruel
"I watch way too much crime for this!"
"Girl, block him. Also tell your sister to block him, too; he’s obsessed with her." - MrsRoronoaZoro
"NOR. You're underreacting, honestly."
"He wants your sister, but you're close enough. He's obsessed with her and won't give it up even though he has someone he 'wants to marry.'"
"Also, he's not lying. He probably will stalk you online afterwards; please be careful." - Phoenix-Phire-38
"NOR at all. Your post kept adding on more red flags with each additional sentence. I know you’re young, but he’s toxic, and yes, you will need to block him."
"Breaking up with someone you have strong feelings for is really difficult, so when you leave, you should make sure to lean on friends and family and keep yourself distracted with things you like and find engaging." - query_tech_sec
"The s**t with your sister is nothing compared to the love-bombing and jealousy. This guy is trouble, and scary, and you will have done the right thing when you leave him and maintain the distance between the two of you. NOR." - potatomeeple
After receiving feedback, the OP posted an update, but it seemed to be only the beginning.
"Thank you for making me feel less crazy."
"I blocked him on everything and deactivated my Instagram."
"He DM'ed a girl that I had posted ONCE on my Instagram Stories, asking about me."
"I'm not sure if he's going to keep trying to talk to me, but I hope not."
The subReddit's internal alarm bells were ringing while reading the OP's post, and they hoped that she'd leave her boyfriend in every sense of the word. They already lived long-distance, but she needed to cut him off in every other sense.
Not only was it obvious that he wanted someone else and was with the OP to "make up for it," but his "promises" of not leaving her alone if she ever broke up with him were love-bombing and stalker-like, at best.