Relationships are about give and take.
Compromise.
So what happens when there’s no compromise offered, just an invasion?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Day-Atmosphere344 when she came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
“AITA for not letting friends from out of town stay at my home?”
A standard beginning.
“My (30F) boyfriend (35M) has 2 friends who live in another state, let’s call them Jack and Liz.”
“They want to come visit us in our state with their 4 children, ages ranging from 5-10.”
“I live in the downtown area of our city while my boyfriend lives about 1 hour away in the suburbs.”
A packed schedule.
“My house is close to where I go to school full-time (about a 5 minute walk) and also close to where I work (10 minute walk to my first job, 10 minute drive to my second job).”
“I live with my 3 dogs and because of my busy schedule, I have a dog walker come everyday to feed and care for them.”
“When Jack and Liz come to visit with their kids, they are asking to stay at my house.”
“Here’s the thing though, they want me to leave my house so that their family can stay there with complete privacy.”
“I think it is also worth noting that I have never met or spoken to Jack and Liz before (they are my boyfriend’s friends and not mine).”
“Also, they are originally from our city, so they have their parents and family members who still live here. They seem pretty wealthy mostly because they tell my boyfriend that they are.”
“Liz is a SAHM and has never worked before because Jack has had multiple inheritances from deceased family members and he brags about his high-paying job.”
“They also own about 10 rental properties that they collect passive income from (believe they bought these houses with the inheritances).”
“Before meeting Jack, Liz also did not work because her family is wealthy and supported her.”
Logistical issues.
“The thing is, my commute to work and school (I have one or both 7 days a week) is over an hour each way from my boyfriend’s house in the suburbs.”
“I already have such long days that changing my commute to be 2+ hours a day, even for a week, is giving me anxiety with all of the stuff I have going on between work and school.”
“Also, I don’t have anyone to walk my dogs at my boyfriend’s house and even if I were to hire a dog walker, he doesn’t want a stranger having access to enter his house.”
“Finally, it would just be really uncomfortable to have to leave my own home and I am also nervous about having young children running around my house when I am not there and my home is not childproofed.”
Further issues.
“My boyfriend seems disappointed in me because I am not opening my home to his friends, and I am already making a bad impression on them.”
“He also thinks that I am doing this because I am deciding to not like them based on what I know about them (just what I’ve heard from him).”
“Stuff like they are always asking to use my streaming logins but keep logging me out. When their dogs get old, they abandon them at shelters so they can make room for new puppies…”
“I do think that this kind of stuff bothers me, BUT I think that even if it were my own friends making this housing request of me, I would tell them to get a hotel or stay at their parent’s houses.”
OP was left to wonder,
“So, AITA?”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some were shocked at the request.
“No, you’re NTA wtf?”
“You’re not a frigging air B&B.”
“Let me guess. They didn’t even offer anything to compensate. And with four kids, you can’t even trust that they won’t trash your house.”
“Just say no to them. You have no obligation to them or your boyfriend to disrupt your working week or your dogs for them.” ~ Gumgums66
“‘They want me to leave my house so that their family can stay there with complete privacy.'”
“Are they for real??”
“I cannot believe the audacity of anyone to ask you to do that, much less people you’ve never met before (and their four children).”
“NTA.”
“Tell them air bnb offers full property rentals to suit their privacy needs.”
“I just wanted to add that for anyone who stopped reading at the quote above, like me, she also said these people abandon their dogs at shelters when they get old to make room for new puppies.”
“I would not let those people sleep in the dirtiest corner of my garage.” ~ champagneformyrealfr
So many flags.
“NTA and holy red flags about your boyfriend.”
“No one is entitled to stay at your home, and they especially aren’t entitled to just take it over for a week. That’s insane, and no one with healthy boundaries would allow that to happen.”
“The fact that your boyfriend is disappointed in you for wanting to stay in your own house is a huge red flag.” ~ JazzyLizard27
“I would leave BF right away if he is OK with pets being abandoned like that. Seriously, ask her for her streaming stuff as well?”
“This whole story is just beyond insane. What they are asking is insane. Their behavior towards animals is insane. The entitlement is just like so weird.”
“Seriously, if the BF is OK with any of this, that is a red flag parade.” ~ kmonsen
“NTA, and you don’t have a housing issue. You have a boyfriend issue.”
“See this for the red flag it is and values your self-respect above the approval of a crappy partner. Ask your boyfriend why his/his friend’s feelings are more important than yours.”
“They can easily stay somewhere – do not feel obligated and cave.” ~ HisDukka
The boyfriend was not immune to judgment.
“The fact that bf doesn’t want a stranger having access to his house (dog walker) but expects OP to do the same….” ~ Nymph-the-scribe
“Boyfriend also said she was… ‘already making a bad impression on them.”’
“Holy mother of God, who cares what these evil a-holes think of OP! He should be worried that they were making a bad impression on her—his partner!”
“Jeez, these people! Don’t give this ludicrous idea another thought other than to talk to your bf about theirs and his audacity.” ~ Blue-Being22
“While the bf refuses to let a dog walker handle the dogs because HE doesn’t like strangers in HIS house. But insists on letting strangers stay in hers.” ~ Desperate-Jelly5566
“This. OP, your BF is a massive hypocrite.”
“This is what you need to text him back:”
‘”Your friends are not welcome to kick me out of my home.'”
“‘My home is not an air B&B, and I will not vacate it for their or anyone’s convenience. Their demand and the fact that you think it even remotely acceptable to ask this of me leaves a VERY bad taste in my mouth.”‘
“‘They are rude beyond belief, but the fact that you even think it appropriate to ask this of me leaves me wondering about your judgment. Do NOT ask this of me again.'”
“‘They may not stay at my house. You and they are both rude.”‘
“Honestly, Sis?”
“He is a jerk. They are bigger jerks.”
“He wants to massively inconvenience you so his friends can take advantage of staying at your place for free without being inconvenienced by you.”
“THAT is an AH move.”
“Hard NTA. NTA by any stretch.”
“He is a massive AH, and his friends are mooches and users, plus all-around bad people for abandoning their pets.” ~ Adventurous-Try1728
OP did return with some more clarity.
“My boyfriend lost both his parents young (when he was 16 and 22), and he doesn’t have siblings or much extended family. He considers his friends from high school as his family.”
“I am trying to be sensitive to his situation because, essentially, he thinks that I should be more accommodating to his friends since they are his family.”
“Regarding their past actions for their family pets, I find it absolutely abhorrent.”
“When I’ve brought it up, I’ve been told that I am out of line because I don’t have a family/children.”
“My boyfriend thinks any criticism of their actions towards pets is a criticism of them as parents, which, since I don’t have kids, I shouldn’t be allowed to voice opinions on stuff I don’t know about.”
“My boyfriend thinks that at least 2 of the abandoned dogs may be attributed towards PPD since they were both within a year of a baby being born.”
“However, I feel like the fact that animal family members were the victims, this is still abhorrent behavior.”
Relationships are a compromise, a dance between needs and wants that can shift a thousand times.
Demands, forced choices, and uncomfortable requests are not a relationship.
We wish the OP well with this situation.