For some cultures, division of household labor is split based on binary gender stereotypes or traditions no longer reflected in modern reality.
The days when all wives and mothers stayed home full-time are long gone as a matter of financial necessity for most families. And more fathers are choosing to take a more active role in their children’s lives—including opt to be a stay-at-home parent.
Families are also no longer just father, mother and two biological children. There are same sex couples, gender fluid couples, and many single parent households.
The stereotype of women do all the housework because a man doing household chores isn’t masculine is outdated and was never a healthy relationship dynamic.
A daughter whose father is stuck in the toxic past turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback on her situation.
Throwaway29092o asked:
“AITA for kicking my father out after he made ‘harmless’ comments”?
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My father is a typical guy for his age group. Never lifted a finger to do housework. I can’t remember him doing housework once in my childhood memory.”
“My mom and him both worked and she would do all the housework and childcare. My brother and I were raised by my mom and my dad would hang out with us for 1-2 hours on weekends before disappearing to his man cave to watch TV.”
“She complained to him a lot about it when I was a younger and he didn’t take it seriously until she filed for divorce the second we were off to college. To this day he claims she gave him no warning and divorced him out of nowhere.”
“As an adult, I made sure who I dated knew how to do housework and split it with me. We have a to-do board where we list chores and who will do them and the time it will take.”
“That way we don’t do the same things and no one does too much. My father came over to visit from another state as part of work and was suppose to stay over.”
“He was looking at the board and asked what it was, and when I told him, he said, ‘You realize it’s not long to last, right?’ I was like what?”
“And he said it’s just natural that women want to do all the housework and take care of people and if I keep pushing it my boyfriend will leave me. I was like WTF and told him the reason mom left was because he thought that way.”
“He got defensive and said, ‘Well, I make the money, so she does the housework’. I pointed out she worked as well and he said ‘well she chose to work, it’s her own fault’.”
“I was really pissed at that point and told him to leave. He was supposed to to stay over, but I said he needs to find a place to stay because he wasn’t coming back to my home. He left and I’m pissed he was so disrespectful.
“He texted later ‘apologizing’ I got offended by his comments, but they were harmless and for my best interest.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I might be the a**hole for kicking out my father from staying because he made comments that were triggering.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. You know who gets a vote on how and your boyfriend divide up the chores? 1) You; 2) your boyfriend. End of list.”
“Ah, lessons on how to make sure your partner doesn’t leave you from someone whose partner left him. Very valuable, I’m sure.” ~ DwayneBaroqueJohnson
“I know this is hurtful to you, but it’s also funny how he’s telling you to take his advice that cost him his marriage—insisting that if you don’t, your boyfriend will leave you.”
“NTA at all.”
“‘…He texted later “apologizing” I got offended by his comments but they were harmless and for my best interest…’.”
“So to restate that, ‘If I think I’m right and if the only harm is to your feelings, I can say whatever I want’.”
“Yeah, reinforce that boundary. He’s not changing any behavior unless there’s consequences.” ~ Irish_Whiskey
“If you apologize for the way someone reacted to your actions and not the actions itself, then that’s not an apology. NTA.” ~ siematoja02
“His comments weren’t harmless. They are a terrible example of the misogyny that held our country back socially (and economically) for far too long.”
“The idea that your mother is at fault for stepping out of her ‘assigned role’ is nothing short of whack. That the future he envisions for his daughter is becoming her boyfriend’s maidservant is absolutely f*cking appalling.”
“Your dad is alone because he tried to shoehorn your mother into a role so ‘natural’ that she dissolved her marriage to escape it. It should have given him a clue, but I’m not surprised it didn’t.”
“Maybe it’ll take everyone in his family severing ties before he figures out that bigotry isn’t in anyone’s ‘best interest’. NTA.” ~ aemondstareye
“NTA. Tell your dad you might consider talking to him again if he pulls his head out of his a** and acknowledges that women are people—individuals that deserve respect.” ~ TheOpinionIShare
“My cousin by marriage—and his dad and grandpa—came to visit for a week about six years ago. My boyfriend does the cooking because he enjoys it and is really good at it.”
“They asked my boyfriend why he was with a lazy sh*t of a girlfriend who can’t even cook him dinner after a long day at work. Boyfriend worked around 60 hrs/week, I worked 80-90 hrs/week.”
“He kicked them all out, and I haven’t spoken to any of them since.”
“NTA. No one gets to decide what’s good or bad for your relationship except you and your partner.” ~ SocksAndPi
“NTA. Your dad is a sexist jerk for his comments, and clearly learned nothing from his own divorce.” ~ TheMagentaGuar
“I’m saying this as someone who was raised during a time when the wife did all of the cooking, cleaning, and laundry. NTA in any way.”
“He is out of line. It is ONLY acceptable for ‘the woman’ to do all of that WHEN IT IS MUTUALLY agreed to.”
“It is a partnership. Both need to know and respect each others’ roles that they both agree to.” ~ rjhancock
“NTA. And of course, Dad is the a**hole.”
“By the way, age is no excuse…even my Dad—who would be over 100 now if he were still alive—pulled his own weight around the house.” ~ greta_cat
“Right? Even my 80+-year-old father-in-law did all kinds of cooking and cleaning when my husband was a kid, and both parents worked.”
“Sure, there are generational norms, and I doubt it was balanced, but some people—like OP’s dad—are just a**holes. NTA.” ~ elephantabate
“NTA. Your father’s misogynist behavior, laziness, and stubbornness about change made him lose his wife. He didn’t learn his lesson, so now it’s costing him his relationship with his daughter.”
“I guess he doesn’t see the irony in how he talks about how you will lose your boyfriend for ‘pushing’ him to help with household stuff when he’s the one who lost his wife because he wouldn’t help out.”
“Good for your Mom, by the way. I hope she’s loving her life now.” ~ Green-Brilliant-1971
“Dad dug his own hole, threw himself down in it, caved it in, and then wondered who put him down there. NTA.” ~ old_vegetables
“NTA. I think his entire way of thinking is wrong, and you have no obligation to continue hosting someone who is arguing about how you and your partner—or any and all other self-supporting adults living there—manage household chores.
“Hell, he didn’t even do the ‘that’s just my opinion’ thing, he actually kept trying to say it was in your best interest.” ~ Melificent40
“Just shrug and say, ‘you’re the only person who thought mom gave you no warning and, surprise, you’re still divorced. Just sayin’ man’.”
“I divorced my ex for the same reason—didn’t do a damn thing around the house. Didn’t work very much either.”
“Would I ever get married or even date a guy who believes that load of horse excrement again? Nope. NTA.” ~ Unfair_Ad_4470
“The bit about how it’s ‘natural that women want to do housework and take care of people’ is LAUGHABLE.”
“I am the woman in my household. Do I like to cook? Nah. Do I clean by default? Also no.”
“My (male) partner LOVES to cook and has way more opinions on the state of our home than I do.”
“I will eventually reach a critical mass and clean a bunch of stuff, and I try to cook at least a few times a month, but if anyone is a homemaker, it’s him.”
“Gender roles are dumb. Yall do what works for you. NTA.” ~ veryfillorian
The OP got the answer they were looking for.
Maybe someday, their dad will get a clue.