For some cultures, division of household labor is split based on binary gender stereotypes or traditions no longer reflected in modern reality.
The days when all wives and mothers stayed home full-time are long gone as a matter of financial necessity for most families. And more fathers are choosing to take a more active role in their children's lives—including opt to be a stay-at-home parent.
Families are also no longer just father, mother and two biological children. There are same sex couples, gender fluid couples, and many single parent households.
The stereotype of women do all the housework because a man doing household chores isn't masculine is outdated and was never a healthy relationship dynamic.
A daughter whose father is stuck in the toxic past turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback on her situation.
Throwaway29092o asked:
"AITA for kicking my father out after he made 'harmless' comments"?
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My father is a typical guy for his age group. Never lifted a finger to do housework. I can't remember him doing housework once in my childhood memory."
"My mom and him both worked and she would do all the housework and childcare. My brother and I were raised by my mom and my dad would hang out with us for 1-2 hours on weekends before disappearing to his man cave to watch TV."
"She complained to him a lot about it when I was a younger and he didn't take it seriously until she filed for divorce the second we were off to college. To this day he claims she gave him no warning and divorced him out of nowhere."
"As an adult, I made sure who I dated knew how to do housework and split it with me. We have a to-do board where we list chores and who will do them and the time it will take."
"That way we don't do the same things and no one does too much. My father came over to visit from another state as part of work and was suppose to stay over."
"He was looking at the board and asked what it was, and when I told him, he said, 'You realize it's not long to last, right?' I was like what?"
"And he said it's just natural that women want to do all the housework and take care of people and if I keep pushing it my boyfriend will leave me. I was like WTF and told him the reason mom left was because he thought that way."
"He got defensive and said, 'Well, I make the money, so she does the housework'. I pointed out she worked as well and he said 'well she chose to work, it's her own fault'."
"I was really pissed at that point and told him to leave. He was supposed to to stay over, but I said he needs to find a place to stay because he wasn't coming back to my home. He left and I'm pissed he was so disrespectful.
"He texted later 'apologizing' I got offended by his comments, but they were harmless and for my best interest."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I might be the a**hole for kicking out my father from staying because he made comments that were triggering."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. You know who gets a vote on how and your boyfriend divide up the chores? 1) You; 2) your boyfriend. End of list."
"Ah, lessons on how to make sure your partner doesn't leave you from someone whose partner left him. Very valuable, I'm sure." ~ DwayneBaroqueJohnson
"I know this is hurtful to you, but it's also funny how he's telling you to take his advice that cost him his marriage—insisting that if you don't, your boyfriend will leave you."
"NTA at all."
"'...He texted later "apologizing" I got offended by his comments but they were harmless and for my best interest...'."
"So to restate that, 'If I think I'm right and if the only harm is to your feelings, I can say whatever I want'."
"Yeah, reinforce that boundary. He's not changing any behavior unless there's consequences." ~ Irish_Whiskey
"If you apologize for the way someone reacted to your actions and not the actions itself, then that's not an apology. NTA." ~ siematoja02
"His comments weren't harmless. They are a terrible example of the misogyny that held our country back socially (and economically) for far too long."
"The idea that your mother is at fault for stepping out of her 'assigned role' is nothing short of whack. That the future he envisions for his daughter is becoming her boyfriend's maidservant is absolutely f*cking appalling."
"Your dad is alone because he tried to shoehorn your mother into a role so 'natural' that she dissolved her marriage to escape it. It should have given him a clue, but I'm not surprised it didn't."
"Maybe it'll take everyone in his family severing ties before he figures out that bigotry isn't in anyone's 'best interest'. NTA." ~ aemondstareye
"NTA. Tell your dad you might consider talking to him again if he pulls his head out of his a** and acknowledges that women are people—individuals that deserve respect." ~ TheOpinionIShare
"My cousin by marriage—and his dad and grandpa—came to visit for a week about six years ago. My boyfriend does the cooking because he enjoys it and is really good at it."
"They asked my boyfriend why he was with a lazy sh*t of a girlfriend who can't even cook him dinner after a long day at work. Boyfriend worked around 60 hrs/week, I worked 80-90 hrs/week."
"He kicked them all out, and I haven't spoken to any of them since."
"NTA. No one gets to decide what's good or bad for your relationship except you and your partner." ~ SocksAndPi
"NTA. Your dad is a sexist jerk for his comments, and clearly learned nothing from his own divorce." ~ TheMagentaGuar
"I'm saying this as someone who was raised during a time when the wife did all of the cooking, cleaning, and laundry. NTA in any way."
"He is out of line. It is ONLY acceptable for 'the woman' to do all of that WHEN IT IS MUTUALLY agreed to."
"It is a partnership. Both need to know and respect each others' roles that they both agree to." ~ rjhancock
"NTA. And of course, Dad is the a**hole."
"By the way, age is no excuse...even my Dad—who would be over 100 now if he were still alive—pulled his own weight around the house." ~ greta_cat
"Right? Even my 80+-year-old father-in-law did all kinds of cooking and cleaning when my husband was a kid, and both parents worked."
"Sure, there are generational norms, and I doubt it was balanced, but some people—like OP's dad—are just a**holes. NTA." ~ elephantabate
"NTA. Your father's misogynist behavior, laziness, and stubbornness about change made him lose his wife. He didn't learn his lesson, so now it's costing him his relationship with his daughter."
"I guess he doesn't see the irony in how he talks about how you will lose your boyfriend for 'pushing' him to help with household stuff when he's the one who lost his wife because he wouldn't help out."
"Good for your Mom, by the way. I hope she's loving her life now." ~ Green-Brilliant-1971
"Dad dug his own hole, threw himself down in it, caved it in, and then wondered who put him down there. NTA." ~ old_vegetables
"NTA. I think his entire way of thinking is wrong, and you have no obligation to continue hosting someone who is arguing about how you and your partner—or any and all other self-supporting adults living there—manage household chores.
"Hell, he didn't even do the 'that's just my opinion' thing, he actually kept trying to say it was in your best interest." ~ Melificent40
"Just shrug and say, 'you're the only person who thought mom gave you no warning and, surprise, you're still divorced. Just sayin' man'."
"I divorced my ex for the same reason—didn't do a damn thing around the house. Didn't work very much either."
"Would I ever get married or even date a guy who believes that load of horse excrement again? Nope. NTA." ~ Unfair_Ad_4470
"The bit about how it's 'natural that women want to do housework and take care of people' is LAUGHABLE."
"I am the woman in my household. Do I like to cook? Nah. Do I clean by default? Also no."
"My (male) partner LOVES to cook and has way more opinions on the state of our home than I do."
"I will eventually reach a critical mass and clean a bunch of stuff, and I try to cook at least a few times a month, but if anyone is a homemaker, it's him."
"Gender roles are dumb. Yall do what works for you. NTA." ~ veryfillorian
The OP got the answer they were looking for.
Maybe someday, their dad will get a clue.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp