Is making a personal milestone announcement at someone else’s event ever OK?
Does it become OK if the person—or people—whose event was hijacked don’t mind?
Does it become OK if they ask in advance and get permission from all parties?
To me, it’s just not ever a good look.
Without permission, someone’s feelings are likely to be hurt even if the central parties are unbothered. Even with permission, not everyone there will know this detail and it can taint people’s perceptions of the event.
A woman struggling with this question turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Princesshailss__ asked:
“AITA for announcing my pregnancy at my best friend’s wedding?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (24, female) recently discovered that I’m expecting my first child. My best friend, we’ll call her ‘Laura’ (23, female), and I have shared every significant life moment since we met in college.”
“I got married two years ago to Laura’s brother and at my wedding Laura announced her engagement to my brother during my reception.”
“I was genuinely thrilled for her.”
“I’ve always thought of Laura as a sister and now we truly were and I really didn’t mind at all that she shared her big news; it felt like our joys were intertwined.”
“Last weekend was Laura and my brother’s wedding, and it seemed like a beautiful circle of life moment. Throughout the wedding and reception, a few close friends began to notice that I wasn’t drinking and started whispering guesses about my pregnancy.”
“It felt like my news was already halfway out there, so after the speeches, I made a toast before dinner. I expressed my deep happiness for Laura and my brother, then, feeling the moment was right and following the precedent she had set at my wedding, I shared that I was expecting.”
“Both our family’s were so excited because this is the first grandchild on both sides of the family, and after a handful of hugs and congratulations I feel like the celebration shifted back to Laura and my brother.”
“I thought Laura would be excited, but instead, she seemed upset.”
“She pulled me aside after the toast and expressed that she felt I had chosen her special day to make a personal announcement, overshadowing her celebration. This reaction stunned me, especially since she had made a similar announcement at my wedding—a moment I had embraced wholeheartedly, sharing in her happiness.”
“Laura has been distant since. My brother has spoken to me since the wedding, and I’ve been left questioning my decision.”
“He said he didn’t mind that they announced their engagement at our wedding and he wasn’t upset that I announced our pregnancy at their wedding, but he did wish that I had spoken to him before breaking the news.”
“I thought that since I didn’t mind sharing my special day, she would feel the same.”
“Our mutual friends are divided; some think it was a sweet continuation of sharing life’s milestones, while others side with Laura, feeling the timing was inappropriate”
“One friend in particular said that a pregnancy announcement is a bigger announcement than an engagement, and that it felt like I was trying to one up her. Which isn’t what I was trying to do.”
“So, AITA for announcing my pregnancy at Laura’s wedding reception, especially considering the history and the fact that people were already suspecting and whispering about it?
The OP added:
“Laura, me, her brother and my brother are all close in age and spent a lot of time together in college. We went to college in a smaller town and the four of us pretty much only spent time with each other, thus why we were close enough to marry each other’s brothers.”
“Also, if she hadn’t married my brother and I hadn’t married hers, I would not have felt comfortable announcing my pregnancy. But since my baby’s entire family on both sides were there, I felt like it made sense.”
“I want to clarify since it’s been coming up a lot, she and my brother made the announcement after dinner, so it was a little later in the night. But they actually went on stage with the band to do it so I feel like it’s pretty comparable to the toast I made during the dinner.”
“And I keep seeing comments saying two wrongs don’t make a right, which really confuses me because I didn’t see her announcement at my wedding as a wrong.”
“Like I said at the beginning of my post, I was happy to share my day with two of the most important people in my life. It was never a problem for me that she had done that, and I never considered myself to have been wronged in the situation.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I announced my pregnancy during the reception at my sister-in-law Laura’s wedding.”
“I thought it would be okay since she announced her engagement at my wedding and guests were already guessing I might be pregnant because I wasn’t drinking.”
“However, Laura was really upset and felt like I stole her spotlight.”
“This made me wonder if I was wrong for assuming it was okay to share my news just because she shared hers at my wedding, without really checking if she’d be okay with it on her big day.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors were divided in their judgment, with some saying she was the a**hole (YTA).
“I can understand why you thought the announcement would have been OK, but I would still say YTA.”
“Announcing an engagement fits the wedding theme and is not overshadowing a wedding.”
“Announcing expecting a child, which is also the first grandchild, definitely overshadows the wedding.”
“Laura announced the second marriage in the family which is inherently going to be less exciting than the first to the family.”
“OP announced the first grandchild in both families. That’s bigger than the second wedding—precisely at the second wedding.
“As another commenter put it: Laura said with her announcement I’m right behind you! OP said with hers: oh yeah? you can’t catch me!”
“No matter the naivety involved, it shows a tremendous lack of empathy and thought for the sis.” ~ Lycaenini
Others felt the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA because she announced her engagement at your wedding. I assume neither of you asked the other’s permission for your announcements. Otherwise it definitely would have been Y T A, but she set a precedent that she thought this was all cool.” ~ NapalmAxolotl
“There could be a reason why a pregnancy announcement isn’t as welcome as an engagement announcement, but those reasons aren’t something you could anticipate so you’re still NTA.”
“If Laura for some reason has discovered she’s unable to have children—or had a recent miscarriage—your announcement may have ruined her day for her.
“But you have no way of knowing that. I just wanted to provide a possible alternate perspective.” ~ GhostPepperFireStorm
And some thought everyone sucked (ESH).
“Personally, I think it comes down to it being the first grand baby that overshadowed the wedding due to the hierarchy of order.”
“An engagement doesn’t overshadow a wedding because of the traditional “order” society expects us to do things. They were already at a wedding, so announcing an engagement wasn’t a big deal to Laura.”
“I think Laura didn’t mind announcing at your wedding because in her eyes, an engagement is beneath a wedding. She is upset about the pregnancy announcement because that news can ‘overshadow’ a wedding simply due to the order.”
“I think that’s what Laura is honestly upset about. You see the baby as ‘equal big news’ and she sees it as ‘bigger news’.”
“The more I think about it, ESH in this situation.” ~ NotAlwaysUhB
“Yeah I think it’s along those lines. And also…”
“The engagement news was sort of relevant to the wedding. Like ‘wow an amazing day- my best friend marrying my close friend, and guess what, I get to marry best friend’s brother/our other close friend!’.”
“There’s a history between these 4 people and the common thread is marriage now.”
“For OP it was more ‘my best friend and my brother getting married! And ME, pregnant!!!’.”
“Now, Laura is hypocritical to not see the similarities here but I do think the dynamic here was more problematic. Like you said- an engagement is exciting but ‘below’ a pregnancy announcement.”
“I think ESH for being sort of blind to anyone else’s point of view.” ~ Ladyughsalot1
“I think ESH is the correct ruling. OP is on Reddit and on this sub so she has to know that most people rightly consider that kind of an announcement a huge faux pas.”
“And therefore, making allowances for human hypocrisy- and let’s face it hypocrisy is ubiquitous in humanity – she should have asked first, even though her friend didn’t.”
“Obviously, the friend is an AH for her hypocrisy which, while it may be ubiquitous, is still a character flaw.” ~ Curious-One4595
The OP added:
“I think regardless of whether I was wrong or right I’m going to sit down and apologize to Laura and clarify her boundaries around future announcements.”
As intertwined as they are in each other’s lives, hopefully they can get past this miscommunication.
If not, the holidays are going to be awkward.