Is making a personal milestone announcement at someone else's event ever OK?
Does it become OK if the person—or people—whose event was hijacked don't mind?
Does it become OK if they ask in advance and get permission from all parties?
To me, it's just not ever a good look.
Without permission, someone's feelings are likely to be hurt even if the central parties are unbothered. Even with permission, not everyone there will know this detail and it can taint people's perceptions of the event.
A woman struggling with this question turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Princesshailss__ asked:
"AITA for announcing my pregnancy at my best friend's wedding?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (24, female) recently discovered that I'm expecting my first child. My best friend, we'll call her 'Laura' (23, female), and I have shared every significant life moment since we met in college."
"I got married two years ago to Laura's brother and at my wedding Laura announced her engagement to my brother during my reception."
"I was genuinely thrilled for her."
"I've always thought of Laura as a sister and now we truly were and I really didn't mind at all that she shared her big news; it felt like our joys were intertwined."
"Last weekend was Laura and my brother's wedding, and it seemed like a beautiful circle of life moment. Throughout the wedding and reception, a few close friends began to notice that I wasn't drinking and started whispering guesses about my pregnancy."
"It felt like my news was already halfway out there, so after the speeches, I made a toast before dinner. I expressed my deep happiness for Laura and my brother, then, feeling the moment was right and following the precedent she had set at my wedding, I shared that I was expecting."
"Both our family's were so excited because this is the first grandchild on both sides of the family, and after a handful of hugs and congratulations I feel like the celebration shifted back to Laura and my brother."
"I thought Laura would be excited, but instead, she seemed upset."
"She pulled me aside after the toast and expressed that she felt I had chosen her special day to make a personal announcement, overshadowing her celebration. This reaction stunned me, especially since she had made a similar announcement at my wedding—a moment I had embraced wholeheartedly, sharing in her happiness."
"Laura has been distant since. My brother has spoken to me since the wedding, and I've been left questioning my decision."
"He said he didn't mind that they announced their engagement at our wedding and he wasn't upset that I announced our pregnancy at their wedding, but he did wish that I had spoken to him before breaking the news."
"I thought that since I didn't mind sharing my special day, she would feel the same."
"Our mutual friends are divided; some think it was a sweet continuation of sharing life's milestones, while others side with Laura, feeling the timing was inappropriate"
"One friend in particular said that a pregnancy announcement is a bigger announcement than an engagement, and that it felt like I was trying to one up her. Which isn't what I was trying to do."
"So, AITA for announcing my pregnancy at Laura's wedding reception, especially considering the history and the fact that people were already suspecting and whispering about it?
The OP added:
"Laura, me, her brother and my brother are all close in age and spent a lot of time together in college. We went to college in a smaller town and the four of us pretty much only spent time with each other, thus why we were close enough to marry each other's brothers."
"Also, if she hadn't married my brother and I hadn't married hers, I would not have felt comfortable announcing my pregnancy. But since my baby's entire family on both sides were there, I felt like it made sense."
"I want to clarify since it's been coming up a lot, she and my brother made the announcement after dinner, so it was a little later in the night. But they actually went on stage with the band to do it so I feel like it's pretty comparable to the toast I made during the dinner."
"And I keep seeing comments saying two wrongs don't make a right, which really confuses me because I didn't see her announcement at my wedding as a wrong."
"Like I said at the beginning of my post, I was happy to share my day with two of the most important people in my life. It was never a problem for me that she had done that, and I never considered myself to have been wronged in the situation."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I announced my pregnancy during the reception at my sister-in-law Laura's wedding."
"I thought it would be okay since she announced her engagement at my wedding and guests were already guessing I might be pregnant because I wasn't drinking."
"However, Laura was really upset and felt like I stole her spotlight."
"This made me wonder if I was wrong for assuming it was okay to share my news just because she shared hers at my wedding, without really checking if she'd be okay with it on her big day."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors were divided in their judgment, with some saying she was the a**hole (YTA).
"I can understand why you thought the announcement would have been OK, but I would still say YTA."
"Announcing an engagement fits the wedding theme and is not overshadowing a wedding."
"Announcing expecting a child, which is also the first grandchild, definitely overshadows the wedding."
"Laura announced the second marriage in the family which is inherently going to be less exciting than the first to the family."
"OP announced the first grandchild in both families. That's bigger than the second wedding—precisely at the second wedding.
"As another commenter put it: Laura said with her announcement I'm right behind you! OP said with hers: oh yeah? you can't catch me!"
"No matter the naivety involved, it shows a tremendous lack of empathy and thought for the sis." ~ Lycaenini
Others felt the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA because she announced her engagement at your wedding. I assume neither of you asked the other's permission for your announcements. Otherwise it definitely would have been Y T A, but she set a precedent that she thought this was all cool." ~ NapalmAxolotl
"There could be a reason why a pregnancy announcement isn't as welcome as an engagement announcement, but those reasons aren't something you could anticipate so you're still NTA."
"If Laura for some reason has discovered she's unable to have children—or had a recent miscarriage—your announcement may have ruined her day for her.
"But you have no way of knowing that. I just wanted to provide a possible alternate perspective." ~ GhostPepperFireStorm
And some thought everyone sucked (ESH).
"Personally, I think it comes down to it being the first grand baby that overshadowed the wedding due to the hierarchy of order."
"An engagement doesn't overshadow a wedding because of the traditional "order" society expects us to do things. They were already at a wedding, so announcing an engagement wasn't a big deal to Laura."
"I think Laura didn't mind announcing at your wedding because in her eyes, an engagement is beneath a wedding. She is upset about the pregnancy announcement because that news can 'overshadow' a wedding simply due to the order."
"I think that's what Laura is honestly upset about. You see the baby as 'equal big news' and she sees it as 'bigger news'."
"The more I think about it, ESH in this situation." ~ NotAlwaysUhB
"Yeah I think it's along those lines. And also…"
"The engagement news was sort of relevant to the wedding. Like 'wow an amazing day- my best friend marrying my close friend, and guess what, I get to marry best friend's brother/our other close friend!'."
"There's a history between these 4 people and the common thread is marriage now."
"For OP it was more 'my best friend and my brother getting married! And ME, pregnant!!!'."
"Now, Laura is hypocritical to not see the similarities here but I do think the dynamic here was more problematic. Like you said- an engagement is exciting but 'below' a pregnancy announcement."
"I think ESH for being sort of blind to anyone else's point of view." ~ Ladyughsalot1
"I think ESH is the correct ruling. OP is on Reddit and on this sub so she has to know that most people rightly consider that kind of an announcement a huge faux pas."
"And therefore, making allowances for human hypocrisy- and let's face it hypocrisy is ubiquitous in humanity - she should have asked first, even though her friend didn't."
"Obviously, the friend is an AH for her hypocrisy which, while it may be ubiquitous, is still a character flaw." ~ Curious-One4595
The OP added:
"I think regardless of whether I was wrong or right I'm going to sit down and apologize to Laura and clarify her boundaries around future announcements."
As intertwined as they are in each other's lives, hopefully they can get past this miscommunication.
If not, the holidays are going to be awkward.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.