Western society's attitude about tattoos has changed drastically in the last 50 years. Once a complete taboo in many workplaces, the ban on tattoos has eased greatly.
When I was in my teens and working in retail, "unnatural" hair colors, piercings beyond a single pair on the lobes or for anyone who wasn't fem-presenting, and visible tattoos were all against company appearance codes in most of the early workplaces I was in.
But by the time my younger sister entered the workforce, the restrictions on multiple ear piercings, nose piercings and eyebrow piercings had been relaxed. By the time my nibling began working, hair colors and arm and leg tattoos were gaining acceptance.
Face and neck tattoos, ear gauging and more creative hair colors were being seen in retail, service industry, and office settings.
However in some businesses, few inroads have been made since the 1950s. Women are still required to wear heels, hose and skirts or dresses. A tattoo is completely verboten.
A parent dealing with such a workplace and its impact on their children turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Realistic-Conflict43 asked:
"AITA for backing my son for an internship but refusing to dot the same for my daughter?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My son went into buisness and I passed on his resume for him to get an internship. He did extremely well and it was a good reference for him.
"I only did this because he was a good match for the company. Also all I did was pass on his resume and he did all the work with interviews and whatnot."
"My daughter is also in buisness and she asked me to pass on her resume for the company. I told her no for one main reason."
"She will not get past the first interview process due to her tattoos. The company is very strict on tattoos and doesn't hire people with any in a visible area."
"They work with many high end clients so the employees have a strict dress-code. Her tattoos are very visible and aggressive art."
"I know the moment she shows up she will be out of the running. I also don't want to put my name in that whole situation."
"I explained my reasoning and she is calling me a jerk for not supporting her. I told her she can apply online if she really wants, but I am not throwing my name in especially since I know she will be turned away."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I'm backing my son for an internship at my company but refusing to do the same with my daughter since she will not get past the first interview."
"I may be a jerk for supporting one child but not the other."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
The majority of Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. Facial and neck tattoos are going to make it difficult for you to get a job in a lot of fields. People can disagree but this is reality."
"I'm all for people making whatever choice about their body they want, but if I'm interviewing someone for a job and they have a tattoo on their face or neck, I'm going to question their decision-making."
"And that's the issue. It's not 'she has tattoos'. It's she decided to get tattoos in locations that are problematic for many jobs."
"May that change someday? Sure."
"But that day isn't today. That doesn't mean she can't have her neck tattoo and a traditional job. It just means she's going to have to invest in high-quality makeup to cover it up every day."
"And maybe she needs to experience going for interviews and getting rejected. However, I imagine most places won't tell her the issue is the tattoo. They'll just say they found a better candidate."
"I might suggest offering to connect her up with an informational interview—especially if you know someone in business with tattoos. Someone who can give her a realistic view of the difficult road that is likely in front of her."
"She needs someone who isn't her parent or an internet stranger to talk to her about this." ~ rak1882
"NTA, it really sucks for her that your company is like that. But sadly, that's the reality. You know your company, and you know they will throw her out immediately. This will also reflect badly on you."
"A lot of commenters are ignoring or don't care that this would reflect badly on you and your status in the company. You know your company and you know your daughter, I believe you are making the correct decision."
"But try to help her somehow! You've been in this business a while, I guarantee you know somewhere or someone she would fit with. You can do something even if it's not with your company." ~ BigNathaniel69
"It's also how I have approached hiring decisions I was in a position to make myself. If I saw a candidate with potential but not the 'right fit' criteria for my area, I would always offer to pass them on."
"OP obviously has contacts in the business world and should show his support for his daughter by extending her search criteria. OP is NTA, but missing an opportunity to be a good networker." ~ marvel_nut
"NTA. A 'no visible tattoos' policy is outdated, but you didn't make it. You're just relaying the facts as you know them." ~ chill_stoner_0604
"NTA and really the bulk of those calling you one are people that haven't the credibility to be a strong reference, themselves. So, totally worthless opinions."
"A person with standing and respect to make a recommendation does so because they themselves respect the value and can be trusted for their recommendation."
"Basically, you're fast-tracking an applicant with the statement that you know what that business needs and are saying this applicant is strong for the role. I trust you."
"Ignoring an absolute and known red flag damages your future credibility and will not change the fact that the applicant is an absolute poor fit for the role." ~ rileyyesno
"NTA. If she was ineligible for the position, all you would have done is embarrass yourself by recommending her."
"This reminds me of the recent viral video with the girl with demons tattooed on her face complaining that TJ Maxx wouldn't hire her."
"In both cases, their actions have consequences that they will have to live with." ~ FHTFBA
"NTA. Crying about the dress code being outdated at OP's workplace won't change it. He didn't make the dress code."
"Many companies are still strict about this. He has every right to protect his reputation at his company, and no obligation to risk it in a situation where there is no true gain to be had by his daughter."
"Getting her the interview would only waste her time and the company's time." ~ MasterToon
"NTA—it sucks but some jobs don't want tattoos. That's a risk anyone getting tattoos does know or at least should. I don't agree with it in principle, but it is what it is."
"Putting your name on a resume like she's asking you to do carries weight, and if they don't work out/look bad it reflects on you. 'Helping' her now might mean you're not in a position to help her/others in the future."
"She is TA because she lashed out at you rather than understand that this is, sadly, the consequences of her getting Tattoos and out dated sensibilities that you personally have no control/sway over." ~ Reasonable-Ad-3605
"NTA... every company has the right to set their own rules and standards. You don't have to push through a resume for someone just because she's your daughter, knowing full well she's not fitting the criteria for that company."
"It's not picking favorites. It's not loving one child more. It has nothing to do with lack of support. It has nothing to do with any of that. One kid was a good fit for the company, the other kid was not. Plain & simple." ~ Beck_irl
"NTA. When you recommend/refer someone to a company, they reflect on you. That company has a very strict dress code and tattoo policy, for better or for worse."
"If you recommend someone that will never pass their policies, they will think less of you, as a professional in the field." ~ KronkLaSworda
"NTA. There is absolutely no point wasting everybody's time if her tattoos will fail the dress code. Your 'lack' of support may really just be disappointment at discovering that being edgy has its drawbacks in the world of work."
"Your daughter needs to find a company with a better fit for her rather than expecting you to single-handedly redefine your employer's dress-code. That'd be a real nepo move anyway, which I suspect she'd be against." ~ Reddit
"Show her your company's policy in the handbook and say that while her appearance isn't a fit for your workplace, you still want to support her in finding an internship. Give feedback on her resume, put out feelers in your personal network and see if friends at other companies have internships she'd be a fit for."
"NTA for not referring her when she's not a fit, but YWBTA for not finding other ways to support her. Because she will perceive that as you caring more about her brother or punishing her for her tattoos." ~ Flaky-Row1723
Body art and other forms of creative personal expression should be the choice for each individual.
Unfortunately not everyone or every workplace will appreciate or accept those choices.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp