Part of adulthood is gaining independence from parents or guardians.
But what if a parent wants a child to pay their own way but refuses to grant the child any autonomy?
A daughter turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback over a dispute with her controlling father.
Bubbly-Friend-3896 asked:
"AITA because I opened up a secret bank account my dad didn't know about?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"For context, I am a 19-year-old female who is a sophomore in college, and my dad is a 52-year-old male who grew up broke pretty much all his life. However, when I was 11, my parents ran into some money when a family member died. Which lead us to be pretty well off financially. I don’t know if this is useful info, but maybe it can help give perspective."
"I started working regularly when I was 15 because that's when I had to start paying for things on my own. My dad helped me open my first bank account when I was 16, but he made it so he could view my account on his app."
"Which I understand that he needs to monitor what I may buy, but he took it too far. I would ask for gas money, and he would pull up the bank app and show where I bought coffee for myself or a charge at a restaurant from when I went out to eat after a ball game.
By the way, I only worked about once a week because I was an athlete and heavily involved in school. So yes, I had money, but not as much as a regular part-time worker. His checking my transactions became habitual."
"He began just randomly dropping it at dinner or when I would walk in from practice. He would ask me if the 'coffee shop went up in prices' or 'what in the world was $30 at Target'."
"He has never really respected privacy, but this was a type of invasion that was completely new. I stopped putting money in my bank account and started carrying cash so he couldn't track what I spent. I kept spare money in the top of my closet in a shoe box."
"But when I started college, I had to put it into my account because I didn't trust leaving it at home. He freaked out when I put a little over $1,000 dollars in my bank. He felt like I was hiding things from him and asked what I had been buying with my 'secret money'."
"After that the cycle continued my freshman year of college. Except then he would call me instead of lecturing me in person."
"He went through a phase where he would take money out of my account (since he was an authorized user) for a few days, then put it back. Sometimes it was up to $2,000. Rarely, he would add a little bit more money after he put it back ($50-100). I was never sure why he did this."
"Once summer started and I got a job, I secretly opened a bank account and would deposit every other check in that account. I had never felt more free financially. I could go buy a cup of coffee without knowing I would get questioned about it later."
"But then my dad found out about it. He found my other debit card in my wallet. I don't know why he was in my wallet or what he was looking for. He brought it to me and needless to say, he was livid. And he asked when I opened the account and demanded he be added to it."
"Obviously I told him no because I am almost 20 and I didn't need someone to watch how I spend my money anymore. He tried to cut up my card and take my car keys, but I left the house, and I am staying with my sister at the moment."
"So AITA for hiding this bank account from him? What should I do?"
OP later added:
"My dad has had access to all of our bank accounts at some point. I'm not sure if he monitored them how he is doing mine, but I am the youngest of lots of girls. So the age gap makes it hard to know for sure because I was too young."
"I've told my mom about it multiple times, but she won't do anything about it because it'll just make him mad at her. He has cut off her cards at random because he thought that she was spending too much. And no, my mom isn't a stay-at-home wife, she has a job."
"I pay for my own school, clothes."
"I live at home at the moment, but I go to school hours away, so I'm hardly there. I could move in with my other sister who lives in a different town for very cheap, but I don't know if I'm ready yet. I still feel like I'm a child. And I also don't know if that's how I actually feel or if that's how I've been trained to feel?"
"The car title is in my name, but he is the one who bought it. He set it up so that I make monthly payments to him as if I were actually paying towards the remaining amount to the dealership. He also pays for my insurance, but I have helped or taken on full payment in the past whenever he has had one of his financial meltdowns."
"I have asked my father for financial help in the past, and he bought a lake house instead... I am currently $7,000 in student loan debt, but I have been working a part-time job at school to help me become more financially free of my father."
"I think I might move into my boyfriend's (20) apartment until I can find my own place or sort things out at home.
"The only reason I think it would be okay is that I wouldn't be living with him full time since I go to school hours away and he lives in my hometown. It wouldn't be but for a few weekends until I can sort out rent and living with my other sister who lives in a close by town."
"The sister that I am staying with right now doesn't have room for me because she has two young kids. Plus, I don't want to disrupt their schedule since one of them is severely autistic."
"I don't think living with my boyfriend full time is a great idea just yet, since we are still young. But I don't think there's anything wrong with staying maybe 4 nights over the next couple weeks until I get my living situation sorted."
"By the way, we have been together for almost 4 years now, and we've grown up with each other. He is the person I trust most in this world. He has come and gotten me from my house multiple times because my dad and I got into it and he took my car keys."
"I've stayed with him before in situations similar to this. I took the room and he took the couch. Even growing up, I’ve never seen him be controlling or manipulative or even truly raged. This may be because he grew up with a bunch of younger sisters and a single mom.
"But I'm not gonna live with man until there is a rock on my hand. That's just how I have always believed, so it really is just for maybe 2 weekends."
Redditors weighed in using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"Using a person's income to control them, like your father does to your mother and to you, is called financial abuse. Your father is abusive. Close the account he does have access to, or take your money out and your name off it, then cut this cancer out of your life until he can stop abusing you financially. Move out and go no contact." ~ MohawMais
"NTA. But it's time to close the account he has access to. He's gotten too comfortable being able to do what he wants with your account. I'd take all the cash you have and move it solely to your separate account before he decides you don't need the money you earned in that account." ~ Amethyst5683
"She may need him to sign off on closing it, unfortunately. I would go to the ATM and remove every cent and never use it again. Save all your paystubs and deposit receipts so you can prove it's your money." ~ scriptcalnerd
"True, but she can always transfer the account until empty, and then not deposit anything in it. The bank will eventually close an account with no balance and no transactions." ~ Remote_Plankton_2314
OP needs to establish her financial independence so her father can no longer use money to punish and control her.
Just because her mother tolerates his financial abuse doesn't mean she needs to.
