So-called "trad wives" and "alpha males" have exploited the digital age to monetize spreading a sexist fairytale gleaned from 50s and 60s sitcoms and not their grandparents' or great-grandparents' actual lives to legions of deluded followers.
While the women pushing the narrative are almost always working full-time as digital creators or outside the home and the men are dependent on women's income and work in and out of the home to support their lifestyle, they push a sexist version of reality where women work strictly as unpaid wives and mothers and men generate enough income working outside the home to meet all of their family's financial needs.
While sabotaging their own lives by buying into this false narrative is bad enough, some people then choose to try to force it on others.
A young woman turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after her father's sexism and ineptitude clash with her values and work ethic.
Staticcowgirl asked:
"AITA for treating my dad like a child after years of him refusing to do anything around the farm?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (22, female) live on a farm with my parents. My dad (58, male) has always had very traditional views about gender roles. He firmly believes men should be the providers and women should stay home, clean the house, cook, and take care of the family."
"The problem is that my dad never actually earned enough money to support our family on a single income. Because of that, my mum had to work full-time while also doing most of the cooking, cleaning, and raising three kids."
"On top of that, my dad is honestly one of the laziest people I’ve ever met. My brother is in the Army and lives away from home, and my sister is a nurse who works long hours. I’m the only one still living at home, so over the years I’ve tried to take some pressure off my mum."
"The issue is that whenever something needs doing around the property, my dad will say, 'Yeah, I’ll do it.' Then he doesn’t. Days turn into weeks. Weeks turn into months."
"Eventually, I’ll get frustrated and we’ll have a massive argument. Only then will he suddenly decide to start the job. He’ll go down to the local hardware store, put on a big performance about being a farmer fixing things, spend a bunch of money on stuff we don’t need, and come home with even more junk."
"He’s a huge hoarder and constantly buys things he has no use for. Then the job gets done halfway. Most of the time I end up having to go back over it to fix it."
"Honestly, the hardest part of repairing anything on our property isn’t the actual repair, it’s undoing whatever my dad already did to it."
"Because of this, I’ve spent years teaching myself how to fix fences, plumbing, rewire electric gates, service a tractor, mow, whipper snip, spray weeds, use a chainsaw, and handle a bunch of general maintenance jobs, as well the smaller household repairs like changing light fittings, door handles, etc..."
"Lately I’ve stopped asking him to do things because I know it won’t happen. I’ll either do it myself or pay someone who actually knows what they’re doing."
"My dad says I treat him like a child and don’t respect him. He says I undermine him and make him feel useless. He’s even gone as far as saying my attitude is one of the reasons his marriage to my mum is failing."
"From my perspective, I’m just exhausted after 22 years of hearing 'I’ll do it later' and then either doing it myself or fixing his mistakes afterward."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"The actions I took were yelling at my dad and treating him like a child. It can come across as rude and disrespectful. I want to know if I’m justified or just being a jerk."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"Your dad is half correct. You treat him like a child, don't respect him, and make him feel useless. Guess what, you do that because he is useless, behaves like a child, and is not worthy of your respect."
"As to the reasons his marriage is failing, I secretly hope that mom is taking notes about this issue and is starting to realize that to earn a helpmeet, you have to actually be one yourself at minimum, and her husband is failing at even that minimum."
"Solid NTA and I encourage you to tell him the internet said so—the overwhelming majority of Reddit to thd point that I haven't seen a negative or neutral vote yet on your issue." ~ SpiritedLettuce6900
"NTA. And the next time he says you think he's useless, ask if he thinks he's useful, and to give examples. Say that if he wants to be useful, you'll show him how to do the thing."
"But respect isn't owed, it's earned and he hasn't done that." ~ HolidayOk2278
"If he's angry for being treated like a "child," then he should start acting like a responsible adult." ~ IceSeeker
"Yeah, big NTA. 'You make me feel useless' is a confession, he feels useless because he is, and he decided the feeling is your fault for noticing. You didn't make him useless; you stopped pretending he wasn't."
"The 'you're why my marriage is failing' line is the nasty part, that's 30 years of your mum carrying everything offloaded onto the kid who tried to help. Don't take that one on. Stop arguing, the fights are the show." ~ BearMarketMonk
"NTA. Your dad is not traditional. Your dad is just lazy and entitled."
"Now he's shifting blame so he doesn't have to admit to himself that decades of him acting like the king of the house while never providing the gold needed to run his little kingdom is what is destroying his marriage and relationship with his children."
"'Denial is not just a river in Egypt' as the saying goes." ~ WhereWeretheAdults
"NTA. Act like a child who can't be trusted to do anything right, be treated like a child who can't be trusted to do anything right." ~ nicemarmot47
"You treat him like a child because he acts like one. You don't respect him because he hasn't given you reason to. The idea of the man being the provider is not only dumb, but is based on him, you know, providing." ~ CleanWhiteSocks
"He wants a traditional housewife, but forgot the part where he actually has to provide." ~ Montie04
"Like most men who want a traditional housewife in this day." ~ moo-chu
"Well if he wasn’t useless and acting like a child he might not feel like that."
"If something he failed to support -like his marriage - is collapsing, it isn’t anyone's fault but his own for being a disappointment."
"What exactly was his added value in your mother's life if he wasn’t financially covering and providing, wasn’t bearing the labor cost of keeping up the house, nor handling the kids. If his participation was not more than what a 5yo could do then he was actually an extra weight not a support."
"Claiming to be something doesn’t turn you into it. Once you remove from him the possibility of claiming he would be the one fixing and actually doing it yourself, then it is obvious he isn’t what he dared to claim to be. He isn’t autonomous nor actually useful."
"You do not have to entertain his delusion on himself. NTA." ~ GrouchySteam
"For pointing out a failure of a husband and father who cannot show decency to his daughter or respect to his wife? Of course you’re NTA; he’s just a man with an ego that can’t support his work ethic or his family, apparently." ~ princess_platinum8
"NTA. Your Dad is simply lazy. He believes in being the provider and the woman having to take care of the home. But he doesn't provide and still expects your Mom to do both while he lives an easy life."
"And now he is complaining because others probably notice that he is not doing the farmers work and you—a female—is doing better than him? Poor baby. Too bad that your Mom enabled him for way too long and agreed to do all the housework on top of working full time. Maybe your Mom is waking up."
"Your dad doesn't deserve the respect he claims for himself—your mom (besides the enabling) and you do. He is feeling useless because he is. Maybe he decides to man up. It will be necessary when you move out." ~ BerneDoodleLover24
"NTA. Your dad is the worst kind of man (criminal acts aside). As a tradesman, I see them every day, and honestly, these are the guys that the male loneliness epidemic should be affecting, and is affecting in my experience."
"Instead of being proud of you for learning with your hands, he's blaming you for all of his many shortcomings. Pathetic. I'm proud of you." ~ madsheeter
OP can hopefully extract herself from this situation sooner rather than later.
It would be even better if Mom could join her in losing some dead weight.
