While no relationship is perfect, some are far healthier than others, and that usually has something to do with the couple viewing each other as independent adults who they respect, trust, and do not attempt to control.
When a person makes their partner responsible for their feelings and for their trust, there's a problem, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Over-Degree-222 had been dating her boyfriend for three years and living with him for one, and he placed increasing responsibility on her to make him feel grounded and safe.
When he demanded to go through her phone after a party, to see if she was really unable to answer him, the Original Poster (OP) realized that she didn't see a future for the relationship anymore.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by secretly planning to leave my boyfriend after he made me 'prove' I wasn't ignoring him?"
The OP's boyfriend had high demands when it came to her emotional availability.
"I’m 27 (Female), and my boyfriend, Adam, is 29 (Male). We’ve been together for almost three years and have lived together for one."
"For most of our relationship, Adam has been very affectionate and attentive. When things are good, they are genuinely amazing. He remembers little details, plans thoughtful dates, and tells me I’m the only person who has ever made him feel understood."
"But whenever he feels rejected, even over something small, he becomes a completely different person."
"The recurring issue is that he thinks I ignore him on purpose."
"For example, if I don’t respond while I’m working but he sees that I was recently active on WhatsApp, he’ll send messages like, 'Clearly you have time for everyone except me,' or, 'Don’t worry, I understand where I stand now.'"
"When I explain that I opened the app to check a work message, replied to my sister quickly, or simply didn’t have the emotional capacity for a conversation at that moment, he says I’m making excuses."
"The conversation then turns into hours of me trying to prove that I care about him."
"He’ll say things like, 'If you loved me, reassuring me wouldn’t feel like a chore,' and 'You always make me feel crazy for having feelings,' and 'Maybe I should disappear so you can finally be happy.'"
"Sometimes he threatens to end the relationship, but when I accept that he wants to break up, he becomes furious and says I gave up on him too easily."
"I’ve started becoming extremely anxious whenever I see a message from him during work. Before opening it, I wonder whether he’s upset, whether I’ve accidentally done something wrong, and whether my entire evening is about to become a three-hour argument."
The breaking came over a friend's birthday party.
"The incident that finally pushed me over the edge happened last weekend."
"I went to my friend’s birthday dinner. Adam was invited, but he said he didn’t want to come because he 'didn’t feel welcome' around my friends. No one has ever excluded him, but he says they don’t make enough effort to involve him."
"At the restaurant, my phone was in my bag. About 45 minutes into dinner, I checked it and saw 17 messages and four missed calls."
"The messages started normally: 'Hope you’re having fun.'"
"Then they went to: You haven’t even checked on me' and 'I guess I know what matters more.'"
"The final message said: 'Come home tonight or don’t come home at all.'"
"I went outside and called him. He was crying and said he’d been having a panic attack because I hadn’t answered."
"I apologized for not checking my phone, but I also told him that threatening to kick me out was not acceptable."
"He said I was focusing on his 'wording' instead of the pain that caused it."
"I ended up leaving the dinner early."
At home, Adam wanted the OP to "prove" that she hadn't been available sooner.
"When I got home, he was sitting calmly on the sofa. Not crying at all."
"He asked to see my phone because he wanted proof that I hadn’t been deliberately ignoring him while messaging other people."
"I said no."
"He responded, 'Then I have my answer.'"
"I got angry and told him I was tired of constantly being treated like I was guilty of something."
"He started crying again and said I was emotionally abandoning him when he needed reassurance."
"Eventually, I gave him my phone. He went through my messages, found nothing, and then said, 'See? That wasn’t so difficult. We could have avoided this entire fight if you had just reassured me from the beginning.'"
"That sentence made something click in my head."
"He threatened my housing, ruined my friend’s birthday dinner, demanded access to my private messages, and somehow I ended the night apologizing to HIM."
"The next morning, he was extremely loving. He made breakfast, bought flowers, and said he was sorry for 'getting emotional.' He also said we both needed to work on things because my defensiveness makes his anxiety worse."
"I didn’t argue."
The OP may not have argued, but she made an exit plan.
"Instead, while he was at work, I contacted my sister and asked whether I could stay with her temporarily."
"I’ve started quietly gathering my important documents and moving a few sentimental items to her apartment."
"I haven’t told Adam."
"Part of me feels terrified and guilty. He has never hit me or physically stopped me from leaving. He says his reactions come from past trauma and abandonment issues."
"He also tells me that leaving without giving him another chance would prove that everyone eventually abandons him."
"I know secretly planning to leave sounds dishonest."
"I also know he’ll be devastated when he realizes what I’ve done."
"But I’m scared that if I tell him in advance, I’ll end up spending hours comforting him, doubting myself, and agreeing to stay."
"Am I overreacting by planning to leave while he thinks everything is fine?"
"Should I insist on couples therapy first, or is this already beyond the point where therapy would help?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that this wasn't something couples therapy could fix, and she deserved peace now.
"NOR. This isn’t a task for couples therapy. This guy needs individual therapy and to work on himself." - whakiki
"He’s emotionally manipulative, and that is abuse, OP. He needs therapy, alone."
"Get as far from this guy as you can, and block every phone number and email associated with him, his family, his work, and his friends. This is the only way you can get peace and try to move on." - Balancedmindset
"You shouldn't go to couples counseling with an abuser, which he is. Psychological abuse and emotional abuse are still abuse." - loftychicago
"That whole sequence of threatening you while you were out having fun, and then going through your phone and shaming you for wanting any semblance of privacy was bone-chilling."
"There is something seriously wrong with this man. This is not something couples therapy will fix."
"You are absolutely doing the right thing. NOR."
"Please understand that although you may care about him, his problems are not yours to fix. He is abusive, and his abuse has already negatively affected your life. He needs professional help and has a lot of personal work ahead."
"Based on his emotional instability, once you are completely out of the shared home, you will need to cut contact completely. That means no contact under any circumstances."
"Lean on your support network and keep moving forward with your plan."
"Once he is out of your life, do not let him back in under any circumstances, no matter how extreme his attempts to contact you become."
"If you ignore him long enough, he will soon find someone new to abuse. Unfortunately, people with this type of personality disorder rarely change." - Glum-Dark-9342
"NOR. He is an insecure child and a manipulative AH, and the OP needs to see either as a reason to run."
"Can you imagine how much worse it would be if they married?!? Phone checks. GPS monitoring. No individual friend meetings. No private phone calls, including to family. Etc., etc."
"This guy is a nightmare. The OP needs out before it gets worse." - Traditional_Fan_2655
Others agreed and urged the OP to exit quickly and quietly with her most irreplaceable items and documents.
"Moving in the shadows to get out of an abusive, controlling relationship is the only way to go."
"OP, just make sure you have a support system in place and people with you when you gather the rest of the stuff you're taking with you. Even if he's not supposed to be home, cover your a** like he will be."
"Just because he hasn't gotten physically abusive with you doesn't mean he won't. And the most dangerous time for a person in an abusive relationship is when they're escaping it."
"Please, please, please, do everything you can to keep yourself safe while severing ties with this sad excuse of a man."
"NOR. May the universe aid you in your journey to freedom and happiness. Stay safe, and maybe let us know when you've gotten out? This internet Mom is rooting for you!" - FurballMama84
"If he has contact info for anyone important to you, see if you can somehow delete it from his phone/computer."
"If you share a bank account or any bills with both your names, or he is on any approved to talk about the account list; remove him. Quietly."
"Honestly, I would talk to a counselor about every possible thing to handle ahead of time. But if it draws this out too long, then just leave. He will not take this lightly, maturely, or reasonably."
"He controls you. You are too close to the situation to really see it. I'm thankful that you recognized the pattern and how he manipulated you after the fact, too."
"He is 29. More than old enough to take responsibility for his own emotions or trauma. There is a massive gulf between being a kind, compassionate girlfriend and what he is demanding of you."
"That freeze you felt? Your body is starting to have a physical response to his messages. Listen to it." - Layneybenz
"If you can set up mail forwarding so any mail goes to your sister's and can't be held hostage, do that. Here in the US, that's done through USPS, but I don't know about other places."
"Remove your old place from your default shipping address list for online shopping like Amazon."
"If you have any pre-orders or anything else that will take a while to arrive, like Kickstarter, change the shipping address on those, too."
"You don't want him to have anything he can hold hostage to force you to talk to him." - BarnacleCommon7119
"Get away and stay away! Block him on everything! Do not tell him where you’re going, and turn off your location finder app."
"Have your car checked for a tracker. Change your phone number if you have even the slightest indication that he’s going to contact you to threaten you. Save all of the messages he sends to you as evidence of his behavior."
"Call 911 immediately if he makes any threats to harm you or himself. Contact law enforcement to seek a restraining order against him if he reaches out to you after you explicitly tell him not to contact you."
"Watch for stalking behavior and install outside cameras where he can’t see them or cover them up."
"Don’t go into dark parking lots to shop, and be aware of your surroundings."
"It’s that serious!!! Please be safe!" - Equivalent-Patient12
"I’ve been here multiple times. Cut contact completely. Block him everywhere, change your number, 100%."
"I’m sure he’ll still find a way to contact you; don’t even read it. Just block whoever’s phone he used."
"Don’t respond to him at all; he will try all sorts of things to guilt you into breaking the promise you’re making to yourself."
"Don’t do it; you will regret it. He’s a big boy who can handle a breakup. He’s abusive, and you deserve better." - righttoabsurdity
After receiving feedback, the OP felt validated and was relieved to be out.
"I left him."
"Thank you to everyone who commented and shared their experiences. Reading your replies helped me realize how much I had normalized."
"I moved my important belongings to my sister’s place while he was at work and ended the relationship once I was safe. I told him my decision was final and that I wouldn’t meet him alone."
"He switched between apologizing, blaming me, and accusing others of influencing me. For the first time, I didn’t try to calm him down. I blocked him."
"I’m still sad and questioning myself, but I already feel more peaceful. I slept through the night and went to work without feeling anxious every time my phone buzzed."
"I’m staying with my sister, changing my passwords, and looking into therapy."
"Thank you for helping me see that leaving quietly wasn’t cruel. I’m out."
Sometimes it takes an outside perspective to see what all you've put up with and normalized. For the subReddit, it was immediately obvious what the OP was going through, and it was important for her to hear that the first red flag she noticed was not actually the first red flag, but just an especially loud one.
