There are few better feelings than realizing you have met the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.
However, those feelings do find themselves somewhat challenged when the reality of meeting their family comes into play.
In sharp contrast, there are few worse feelings than the dread that your partner's family won't like you.
Most of the time, these fears prove completely unfounded, though in some unfortunate occasions, they prove more than justified.
Redditor Ok-Value4971 was in what she thought was a happy relationship with her boyfriend.
Until she came across some texts her boyfriend's mother sent to him.
Reading them led the original poster (OP) to confront her boyfriend.
Unfortunately, his response was not at all what she hoped it would be.
Unsure of how to move forward, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole Here" (AITAH).
Unlike the similar "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH for refusing to have a relationship with my boyfriend's mother after I found texts telling him to leave me because I'm not "the one"?"
The OP explained why a text from her boyfriend's mother led her to question her relationship:
"I (27 F[emale]) have been with my boyfriend (27 M[ale]) for two years."
"Recently, I discovered texts from his mother (late 50s/F) telling him that she knows him better than anyone, that I'm not the right person for him, and that one day he'll realize it and leave me because family is more important."
"This wasn't a one-off either."
"She's made similar comments multiple times throughout our relationship."
"To say I was devastated would be an understatement."
"Reading those messages felt like a punch in the stomach."
"I genuinely don't think I've ever felt so unwanted by someone's family."
"For context, my boyfriend moved to London for work a couple of years ago."
"Before that, he lived at home."
"He now visits his family about once a month, but they seem to blame me for 'taking him away' even though the move was for his career."
"His sister (30 F[emale]) also refuses to attend events if I'm there, which has only reinforced the feeling that they don't want me around."
"I also think part of the tension is that I’m quite different from them as a family."
"His sister (31 F[emale], married) is very close to their parents, spends a lot of time at their home with her husband, and has quite a home-based, family-oriented lifestyle."
"In contrast, I’m a very social person and work as a lawyer in a busy London environment."
"My own family live abroad, and I’ve built a life in London that I really love."
"I don’t naturally fit into a dynamic where daily or very frequent family time is the norm, and I couldn’t imagine structuring my life around being at my partner’s parents’ house all the time."
'What upset me even more was that my boyfriend didn't challenge his mother when she originally sent those messages."
"After I confronted him about them, he did call her and tell her to stay out of our relationship."
"However, when I said she owed me an apology, he told me that just because I think an apology is the right thing to do doesn't mean everyone else does."
"I don't understand how I'm supposed to move forward from this without any acknowledgement that what she did was hurtful."
"She actively tried to undermine our relationship and convince her son to leave me."
"There are also other issues that make me think their relationship has unhealthy boundaries."
"She frequently confides in him about very personal marital problems with his father, including how unhappy she is in her marriage."
"She can also be emotionally manipulative."
"For example, on Mother's Day my boyfriend arranged lunch with her because he wanted to come home afterwards to spend the evening with me."
"She booked a spa appointment during the day on purpose knowing they were meant to go for lunch which meant he had to stay longer, and when he left that evening she cried."
"I have reached the point where I don't want to visit her house, spend holidays with her, or pretend everything is fine."
"As far as I'm concerned, she has never accepted me and has repeatedly tried to damage my relationship."
"My boyfriend thinks I should try to move on and not expect an apology."
"AITAH for refusing to have a relationship with her unless she apologizes?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community firmly agreed that the OP was more than justified in giving her boyfriend an ultimatum.
Everyone agreed that the only thing worse than the texts her boyfriend's mother sent was the fact that the OP's boyfriend made no effort to stand up for her, with nearly everyone urging the OP to get out of this relationship as quickly as she could:
"Remember when you marry someone you're marrying into their family, too."
"They're all a package deal."
"Frankly, I'd be looking for a better one."- Real-Frosting
"'What upset me even more was that my boyfriend didn't challenge his mother when she originally sent those messages. After I confronted him about them, he did call her and tell her to stay out of our relationship. However, when I said she owed me an apology, he told me that just because I think an apology is the right thing to do doesn't mean everyone else does'."
"You posted the wrong title OP."
"Should have been 'Should I stay with my boyfriend who doesn't stand up for me against his meddling, toxic family and even defends them to me when I'm upset that they are excluding me and campaigning against our relationship?'
"And the answer is NO, of course you should not."- parkchanwookiee
"He doesn't stand up for you?"
"Or tell his mother to back off?"
"Hon, why are you still with him?"- Oellaatje
"I think that he’s already shown you mum is priority and the family treats you like a scapegoat/seems toxic."
"Is this what you want for your future?"
"Because there is almost no chance they apologize/change."- Plus-Witness
"You should play a long game and become a new daughter to her and make her fall in love with you."
"Then when she finally does, steal her inheritance from the sister."
"Just kidding this isn’t unethical life pro tips."- No-Fig-8614
"NTA."
"She’s the problem but the bigger problem is your boyfriend refusing to draw up boundaries with her."
"She will never change."
"In fact these sort of people usually get worse as they age."
"Things usually get worse with marriage and children coming into the picture."
"Would you really want your future children being around people who actively hate you?"
"And if your boyfriend has never shown any inclination to put his mother and sister in line then there’s a good chance you’ll live your life miserable because of these people."
"You can either live the next 30+ years of your life surrounded by these toxic people or you can end the relationship and move on."
"At 27 you have your whole life ahead of you."- Loulou107
"I think it’s hard to demand an apology when it was texts to her son, like on his phone."
"That being said she’s unhappy with her husband and wants her son to be an emotional substitute."- ButchEmbankment
"Is your boyfriend Indian by any chance?"
"Because this sounds like a typical Indian boy mom."
"The main issue here is that your boyfriend is not standing up for you and your relationship."
"Think about how you want the future to look like and if his behavior will fit in that?"- Opposite_Guava4050
"NTA, but I think your bf is the a**hole here."
"His mum and sister and do and feel how they want, but your bf has to be standing up for you and making it clear that he loves you and doesn't care about their opinions."
"I'm really sorry you have to deal with this OP, it can't be easy at all."
"And if I was you, I'd honestly be reconsidering the relationship, because this person has shown you that he doesn't have your back."- Logical-Abroad4945
"Yeah."
"If he didn't shut her down, he's 'given her permission' to say this stuff."
"I'd say he's not the quality guy you want."
"If he's not willing to stand up for you that's a problem."
NTA- grayblue_grrl
A relationship relies on trust, love, and support.
Three things are clear: the family of the OP's boyfriend has no interest in giving to the OP.
Sadly, it doesn't seem like the OP's boyfriend is too inclined to provide her with any of those things either.
Leading one to sadly hope the OP doesn't stay in this relationship for much longer.
Humiliated Redditor Ditches Friend's Birthday After She Publicly Mocks Them In Front Of Everyone
Fake people tend to show their true colors during pivotal moments, like weddings and major celebrations.
But when they want an audience to hurt someone else, it takes total sense that they would be called out in front of everyone, as agreed by members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit.
Redditor HollyyGinger went to their close friend's birthday party, expecting to have a good time and celebrate their loved one's special day.
But when their close friend made several mocking comments about them, and the party laughed along with them, the Original Poster (OP) took that as an indication of the state of their friendship and left the birthday party early.
They asked the sub:
The OP was excited to celebrate their close friend's birthday.
"One of my close friends had a birthday dinner last weekend, and I was genuinely excited to go."
"I helped her organize a few things beforehand, bought her a gift, and even rearranged some plans because I wanted to be there for her."
But the birthday dinner did not go at all how the OP expected.
"During dinner, though, she started making little jokes about me in front of everyone."
"At first, I laughed along because I didn't want to make things awkward on her birthday."
"But she kept going. She joked about dating life, brought up an embarrassing story I had told her privately, and made another comment about how I'm ''way too sensitive' sometimes."
"People were laughing, and I tried to act like it didn't bother me, but honestly, I felt pretty humiliated."
The OP tried to ask their friend to change the direction of the rest of the party.
"I quietly asked her when we were alone if she could stop making me the joke of the evening."
"She rolled her eyes and said I was taking everything too seriously and that everyone knew she was joking."
"I went back to the table for a while because I really didn't want to ruin her birthday."
"But then she made another joke about me, so I decided I'd had enough. I congratulated her again, said goodbye to everyone, and went home without making a scene."
The OP's friend tried to blame them for how the evening turned out.
"The next morning, she texted me, saying she was hurt that I left early and that several people noticed."
"She said that I made her feel like she had done something horrible when she was 'just having fun.' But her having fun was more of a public embarrassment to me."
"Now I feel guilty, because it was her birthday, and maybe I could have just ignored it for another hour or two."
"I wasn't trying to punish her or make the night about me. I just didn't want to sit there smiling while someone I trusted kept embarrassing me after I had specifically asked her to stop."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she didn't have to stay at a party where she didn't feel welcome.
"She was having fun. You were not having fun."
"You’re not overreacting. You told her it was hurting you, and she kept doing it because hurting you was entertaining for her. She is not a good friend." - Dunquinn-
"I remember when I was really little, a bunch of adults were laughing at me as I cried."
"I cried to my mom, 'Stop laughing at me,' to which she replied, 'We aren’t laughing at you; we're laughing with you,' while giggling."
"My response was something I stand by to this day: 'Then why am I the only one crying?!'"
"It’s only funny if the person who’s being teased is laughing too. You weren’t laughing. It wasn’t funny; it was cruel. NOR." - XSmartypants
"She’s a bully. It wasn’t 'more like 'it was publicly embarrassing. It WAS publicly embarrassing."
"Then she tells you that SHE is embarrassed because YOU left early. That's bulls**t."
"NOR. Drop her." - WTH_JFG
"NOR. They make jokes about someone's privacy to humiliate that person. Anyone who would use info that was shared in confidence to get a laugh is an abuser. You don't do that, especially to a close friend, without the intent to hurt that person." - BungenessKrabb
"Would it have been fun if you did the same? Start telling her darkest secrets?"
"She made you into a punchline for other people’s entertainment."
"You told her to stop, and she didn’t; now she’s the victim?"
"NOR."
"But also, some people need to feel it to believe it. I hope you go to the next gathering with a few stories of your own and don’t let her rewrite the narrative." - beached_not_broken
"I’ve had it happen by my 'best friend' at the time, only it was in a professional setting event. Very personal details only she knew, all spilled for her amusement, embarrassing me in front of colleagues."
"NOR, OP. As you did, I left the gathering earlier than expected. My 'friend' called the next day asking why I left so early. I told her what she had said and done and how humiliated I felt."
"Her 'apology' was that flippant version that shows no remorse, like, 'Well, I’m sorry you feel that way.'"
"Over the subsequent years, she managed to alienate and burn bridges with most of those same people we were gathered with."
"I’m sorry this happened to you, OP. Anyone who thinks you were 'too sensitive' has no empathy and 'friends' like that don’t deserve your time." - Hungry_Tank9182
"NOR. She was being a jerk to you, and she was expecting you to just take it and not say anything or defend yourself."
"Because they think it's sooo funny to mock others, but I bet if the roles were reversed, she would be offended and upset."
"Honestly, you deserve better friends. I'm sorry you had to deal with this."
"I would've left and blocked her." - Cryslove
Others urged the OP to stop thinking about the event and let that friendship go.
"That was the point of her fun! Humiliating you with an audience!"
"Sharing something deeply personal, told in confidence? Immediate dealbreaker."
"She is not (and likely never was) your friend. Friends do not treat friends with such disrespect. Block her, and go no contact. She brings nothing good to your life, and she’s not worthy of your energy and time."
"NOR." - MizPeachyKeen
"It’s called bullying. She is not your friend. Friends don’t humiliate their true friends, or tell them 'they are too sensitive.'"
"That is what bullies do. She keeps you around to put you down and make herself look or feel better."
"Her actions, attitude, and behavior are those of an immature high schooler. She could actually be jealous of you and not want one or all of the following: you to succeed, have more friends, feel better about yourself, look better, etc."
"Please slowly distance yourself, find new hobbies and activities with more mature, well-rounded, healthy people." - Freeling_Fab_U_lous
"How DARE you spoil her fun; didn't you know that part of your gift was letting her make you the butt of her jokes? (sarcastic comment)"
"What an awful person. No one should need to put others down to raise themselves up. She doesn't deserve the title of friend, to be honest. You showed much more grace than I would have managed." - tphatmcgee
"She was using you as her punching bag to make the others attending laugh. Probably thinking you’d just take it. That’s not a good friend. NOR." - Additional-Start9455
"'Someone I trusted kept embarrassing me after I asked them to stop.' NOR."
"First, you shouldn't have had to ask her to stop because a friend wouldn't have started in the first place. One of her 'jokes' was about you being sensitive, so she knew you didn't like it and did it anyway."
"Second, you asked her privately to stop, because you didn't want to embarrass her. Think about that. You didn't want to embarrass her. But she couldn't show you the same consideration, even after being asked to stop."
"That's not how I treat my friends, and I suspect that's not how you treat your friends, either." - calminthedark
"I would have answered her text that she's a s**tty friend and to f**k off. You have class."
"I probably would have made a comment at dinner that I asked her to stop with the insults."
"NOR. You did everything right." - Particular-King218
The subReddit was disappointed on the OP's behalf that a friendship they were so committed to, they were excited to celebrate their friend's birthday and even helped plan the event, came apart at their expense, and on very public terms.
If the friend didn't want to be "embarrassed," maybe she should have thought about how she was embarrassing others first.