There are few better feelings than realizing you have met the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.
However, those feelings do find themselves somewhat challenged when the reality of meeting their family comes into play.
In sharp contrast, there are few worse feelings than the dread that your partner's family won't like you.
Most of the time, these fears prove completely unfounded, though in some unfortunate occasions, they prove more than justified.
Redditor Ok-Value4971 was in what she thought was a happy relationship with her boyfriend.
Until she came across some texts her boyfriend's mother sent to him.
Reading them led the original poster (OP) to confront her boyfriend.
Unfortunately, his response was not at all what she hoped it would be.
Unsure of how to move forward, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole Here" (AITAH).
Unlike the similar "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH for refusing to have a relationship with my boyfriend's mother after I found texts telling him to leave me because I'm not "the one"?"
The OP explained why a text from her boyfriend's mother led her to question her relationship:
"I (27 F[emale]) have been with my boyfriend (27 M[ale]) for two years."
"Recently, I discovered texts from his mother (late 50s/F) telling him that she knows him better than anyone, that I'm not the right person for him, and that one day he'll realize it and leave me because family is more important."
"This wasn't a one-off either."
"She's made similar comments multiple times throughout our relationship."
"To say I was devastated would be an understatement."
"Reading those messages felt like a punch in the stomach."
"I genuinely don't think I've ever felt so unwanted by someone's family."
"For context, my boyfriend moved to London for work a couple of years ago."
"Before that, he lived at home."
"He now visits his family about once a month, but they seem to blame me for 'taking him away' even though the move was for his career."
"His sister (30 F[emale]) also refuses to attend events if I'm there, which has only reinforced the feeling that they don't want me around."
"I also think part of the tension is that I’m quite different from them as a family."
"His sister (31 F[emale], married) is very close to their parents, spends a lot of time at their home with her husband, and has quite a home-based, family-oriented lifestyle."
"In contrast, I’m a very social person and work as a lawyer in a busy London environment."
"My own family live abroad, and I’ve built a life in London that I really love."
"I don’t naturally fit into a dynamic where daily or very frequent family time is the norm, and I couldn’t imagine structuring my life around being at my partner’s parents’ house all the time."
'What upset me even more was that my boyfriend didn't challenge his mother when she originally sent those messages."
"After I confronted him about them, he did call her and tell her to stay out of our relationship."
"However, when I said she owed me an apology, he told me that just because I think an apology is the right thing to do doesn't mean everyone else does."
"I don't understand how I'm supposed to move forward from this without any acknowledgement that what she did was hurtful."
"She actively tried to undermine our relationship and convince her son to leave me."
"There are also other issues that make me think their relationship has unhealthy boundaries."
"She frequently confides in him about very personal marital problems with his father, including how unhappy she is in her marriage."
"She can also be emotionally manipulative."
"For example, on Mother's Day my boyfriend arranged lunch with her because he wanted to come home afterwards to spend the evening with me."
"She booked a spa appointment during the day on purpose knowing they were meant to go for lunch which meant he had to stay longer, and when he left that evening she cried."
"I have reached the point where I don't want to visit her house, spend holidays with her, or pretend everything is fine."
"As far as I'm concerned, she has never accepted me and has repeatedly tried to damage my relationship."
"My boyfriend thinks I should try to move on and not expect an apology."
"AITAH for refusing to have a relationship with her unless she apologizes?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community firmly agreed that the OP was more than justified in giving her boyfriend an ultimatum.
Everyone agreed that the only thing worse than the texts her boyfriend's mother sent was the fact that the OP's boyfriend made no effort to stand up for her, with nearly everyone urging the OP to get out of this relationship as quickly as she could:
"Remember when you marry someone you're marrying into their family, too."
"They're all a package deal."
"Frankly, I'd be looking for a better one."- Real-Frosting
"'What upset me even more was that my boyfriend didn't challenge his mother when she originally sent those messages. After I confronted him about them, he did call her and tell her to stay out of our relationship. However, when I said she owed me an apology, he told me that just because I think an apology is the right thing to do doesn't mean everyone else does'."
"You posted the wrong title OP."
"Should have been 'Should I stay with my boyfriend who doesn't stand up for me against his meddling, toxic family and even defends them to me when I'm upset that they are excluding me and campaigning against our relationship?'
"And the answer is NO, of course you should not."- parkchanwookiee
"He doesn't stand up for you?"
"Or tell his mother to back off?"
"Hon, why are you still with him?"- Oellaatje
"I think that he’s already shown you mum is priority and the family treats you like a scapegoat/seems toxic."
"Is this what you want for your future?"
"Because there is almost no chance they apologize/change."- Plus-Witness
"You should play a long game and become a new daughter to her and make her fall in love with you."
"Then when she finally does, steal her inheritance from the sister."
"Just kidding this isn’t unethical life pro tips."- No-Fig-8614
"NTA."
"She’s the problem but the bigger problem is your boyfriend refusing to draw up boundaries with her."
"She will never change."
"In fact these sort of people usually get worse as they age."
"Things usually get worse with marriage and children coming into the picture."
"Would you really want your future children being around people who actively hate you?"
"And if your boyfriend has never shown any inclination to put his mother and sister in line then there’s a good chance you’ll live your life miserable because of these people."
"You can either live the next 30+ years of your life surrounded by these toxic people or you can end the relationship and move on."
"At 27 you have your whole life ahead of you."- Loulou107
"I think it’s hard to demand an apology when it was texts to her son, like on his phone."
"That being said she’s unhappy with her husband and wants her son to be an emotional substitute."- ButchEmbankment
"Is your boyfriend Indian by any chance?"
"Because this sounds like a typical Indian boy mom."
"The main issue here is that your boyfriend is not standing up for you and your relationship."
"Think about how you want the future to look like and if his behavior will fit in that?"- Opposite_Guava4050
"NTA, but I think your bf is the a**hole here."
"His mum and sister and do and feel how they want, but your bf has to be standing up for you and making it clear that he loves you and doesn't care about their opinions."
"I'm really sorry you have to deal with this OP, it can't be easy at all."
"And if I was you, I'd honestly be reconsidering the relationship, because this person has shown you that he doesn't have your back."- Logical-Abroad4945
"Yeah."
"If he didn't shut her down, he's 'given her permission' to say this stuff."
"I'd say he's not the quality guy you want."
"If he's not willing to stand up for you that's a problem."
NTA- grayblue_grrl
A relationship relies on trust, love, and support.
Three things are clear: the family of the OP's boyfriend has no interest in giving to the OP.
Sadly, it doesn't seem like the OP's boyfriend is too inclined to provide her with any of those things either.
Leading one to sadly hope the OP doesn't stay in this relationship for much longer.
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