Parenting styles are as varied as children are. One size doesn't fit all.
Some parents embrace strict, regimented routines and discipline. Others think childhood should have no boundaries, routines, or rules.
Most parents are somewhere between those extremes.
But what happens when multiple parents and children are all sharing the same space? Who decides what an appropriate response to children's behavior or misbehavior is?
A father turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after clashing with his wife and in-laws.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Significant_Cook_848 asked:
"AITAH for taking away a toy from my wife's 3-year-old nephew after he punched my 11-month-old daughter twice?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My wife's sister and her husband came from Korea for a 1.5 month visit together with their 3-year-old son and daughter. Their son is uncontrollable, does whatever he wants, and does not listen to his parents."
"When he does something wrong, they try to talk to him, but he ignores them. He does not understand 'no' and does not care if you are upset or have a tense voice. He just laughs."
"I think he just does not understand because he was not taught, but maybe there is more to it. I am not sure yet. I can see how much effort they put into talking, but it does not work."
"I think boys need discipline and an understanding of actions and consequences at this age. Otherwise, they will go bananas."
"One day, my 11-month-old crawled to him, and I was looking to see what was going to happen when no one was around except me. She sat in front of him, and all of a sudden, he punched her in the face."
"To my surprise, instead of facing consequences, he got rewarded by his mom reading him a book upstairs. Of course, she explained that the baby is small and that it is bad to do that."
"This moment confirmed an older suspicion I had. The boy does not get disciplined, though some might say I do not know everything, and it is true that I do not. But what I do know is that their reaction to this was wrong."
"Moving forward, he likes to play with the old toy kitchen that my 9-year-old has in the bedroom, and they decided to bring it down to the living room so he could play."
"While he was playing, my 11-month-old crawled up to the kitchen and started to play too. This time, I visibly understood that he did not want to share it, and he punched her again."
"This time, I came over and took away the kitchen, saying, 'No more kitchen for you.' He cried, of course, so they took him out to the playground to calm him down."
"My wife confronted me, visibly frustrated. She said he is just a boy and that I do not understand how to raise 2 siblings of the same age. 'Maybe I do not,' I said, 'but he should not have been rewarded for this behavior. Instead, he should have been disciplined'."
"'This is not your place,' she said. I replied, 'This is exactly my place. This is my house, my kitchen, and this is the second time he punched my daughter. His parents do not discipline him and instead reward him for this behavior, so I did it'."
"Everyone heard this. I created an uncomfortable environment because I said it out loud, but at the same time, I think their boy should start facing consequences for misbehavior."
"I have never raised a boy, so I might be utterly wrong, and yet my inner voice tells me that there is some truth to what I said. A boy has got to face consequences."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was
"NTA ask your wife why she is okay with her daughter being punched in the face and then being rewarded for that?" ~ beautyinthorns
"She’ll just say he is little and doesn’t know any better. OP, your responsibility as a parent is to protect your children at all costs. From other adults and other children." ~ carlosmurphynachos
"The worst part is a three-year-old definitely should start understanding punching is wrong at this age. My three-year-old knows punching is wrong. He still does it sometimes (to me at least) because he has no impulse control, but he knows it's bad and he'll get in trouble." ~ animeandbeauty
"Everyone talks about the Terrible Twos, but I think age 3 is the worst. The best way I heard age 3 explained is that it’s the Terrible Twos with INTENT."
"I have sympathy for two-year-olds. They know on some level there are words they need and that their body should be able to do stuff, but there’s just a whole lot of chaos and failure. That’s frustrating. But age 3 is when you get into knowing manipulation and wanting to be the God Emperor/Empress."
"If you don’t do the work to lovingly nip that in the bud, there’s gonna be problems. Age 4 is better, and age 5 is magic. As long as you’re not raising your kid like the OP’s ILs."
"Hey OP, you are NTA." ~ Cephalopodium
"She 100% is a 'boys will be boys' kind of boy mom. That child will be a nightmare until he learns the hard way, hopefully before he ends up in prison or really hurts someone." ~ QueenThang
"It infuriates me when people use that excuse. Of course the kid doesn’t know better! That’s why you have to teach them what’s right and wrong! Kids don’t magically download that information from the universe." ~ Remote_Plankton_2314
"He doesn’t know better? Whose fault is that? Maybe this is the perfect opportunity for him to learn better." ~ IceBlue
"The girl is 11 months old, he's more than twice her age. If anything, SHE doesn't know any better. Babies look for familiar faces and now this one got her hit twice in the face for no reason.
"I had 3-year-old kids as a teacher. They don't know everything, but they definitely know a minimum. And they SURELY get the meaning of the word 'NO' unless they never hear it or it's never enforced." ~ Least-Designer7976
"He could also seriously hurt her, whether or not that's his intention. Punching a baby in the face is dangerous, even if it's a three-year-old fist. It's very concerning that mom seems more concerned with her guest's comfort than safeguarding her child." ~ West_Economist_2195
"At 3 years they understand no and to stop even if they act like they don’t. My nephew acted like that, ended up in a heap of trouble later because his parents always made excuses and rewarded the behavior."
"The consequences must be logical and natural, and he hit the baby over the toy, so it’s a good consequence. If he can’t play nice with it, he can’t play with it."
"His parents are giving him the one-on-one time he clearly wants when he acts out. No wonder he always acts out." ~ mortgage_gurl
"I would really examine your wife and her reaction to violence by her nephew toward her daughter. Ask how she would feel if a 3-year-old at a playground hit your daughter."
"If she has no issue with it, she has internalized some awful ideas about raising kids, and it’s on you to figure out how to protect your daughter."
"But this isn’t a gender thing, so drop that. It’s a violence thing. All violent children, not just boys, require correction." ~ No-F*ckin-Ziti
"That's exactly what I was thinking. Like, protect your daughter! What the hell‽‽"
"Or when he grows up a bit bigger and is 5 and he kicks her in the face or slaps her harder because now he's a 5-year-old, is that going to be OK too? What if he throws hard stuff at her? Smashing things in her face. Is that OK?"
"Is your wife just going to say 'awww poor little boy' and not give a sh*t about your daughter who's being assaulted by this gremlin? Does she even like her daughter? Or did she always wish for a son?" ~ LittleFrenchKiwi
"And when their daughter ends up in the ER, they're going to think the parents are abusive. The wife is f*cking NUTS." ~ SarcsmQn5
"NTA. You were way more restrained than I would have been. I would have been explaining chapter and verse on why they were terrible parents setting their son up for a bad experience when he meets another child capable of striking back."
"Or when he seriously injures some infant. They'll be legally responsible for any consequences. Either way, they'd be out of my house immediately if they allow him to punch my child twice with zero consequences." ~ dataslinger
OP clearly has a different view on discipline than his in-laws and his wife. It sounds like having his in-laws staying in their home isn't a good fit or safe for their daughter.
Maybe it's time for them to find other accommodations.
