Parenting styles are as varied as children are. One size doesn't fit all.
Some parents embrace strict, regimented routines and discipline. Others think childhood should have no boundaries, routines, or rules.
Most parents are somewhere between those extremes.
But what happens when multiple parents and children are all sharing the same space? Who decides what an appropriate response to children's behavior or misbehavior is?
A father turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after clashing with his wife and in-laws.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Significant_Cook_848 asked:
"AITAH for taking away a toy from my wife's 3-year-old nephew after he punched my 11-month-old daughter twice?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My wife's sister and her husband came from Korea for a 1.5 month visit together with their 3-year-old son and daughter. Their son is uncontrollable, does whatever he wants, and does not listen to his parents."
"When he does something wrong, they try to talk to him, but he ignores them. He does not understand 'no' and does not care if you are upset or have a tense voice. He just laughs."
"I think he just does not understand because he was not taught, but maybe there is more to it. I am not sure yet. I can see how much effort they put into talking, but it does not work."
"I think boys need discipline and an understanding of actions and consequences at this age. Otherwise, they will go bananas."
"One day, my 11-month-old crawled to him, and I was looking to see what was going to happen when no one was around except me. She sat in front of him, and all of a sudden, he punched her in the face."
"To my surprise, instead of facing consequences, he got rewarded by his mom reading him a book upstairs. Of course, she explained that the baby is small and that it is bad to do that."
"This moment confirmed an older suspicion I had. The boy does not get disciplined, though some might say I do not know everything, and it is true that I do not. But what I do know is that their reaction to this was wrong."
"Moving forward, he likes to play with the old toy kitchen that my 9-year-old has in the bedroom, and they decided to bring it down to the living room so he could play."
"While he was playing, my 11-month-old crawled up to the kitchen and started to play too. This time, I visibly understood that he did not want to share it, and he punched her again."
"This time, I came over and took away the kitchen, saying, 'No more kitchen for you.' He cried, of course, so they took him out to the playground to calm him down."
"My wife confronted me, visibly frustrated. She said he is just a boy and that I do not understand how to raise 2 siblings of the same age. 'Maybe I do not,' I said, 'but he should not have been rewarded for this behavior. Instead, he should have been disciplined'."
"'This is not your place,' she said. I replied, 'This is exactly my place. This is my house, my kitchen, and this is the second time he punched my daughter. His parents do not discipline him and instead reward him for this behavior, so I did it'."
"Everyone heard this. I created an uncomfortable environment because I said it out loud, but at the same time, I think their boy should start facing consequences for misbehavior."
"I have never raised a boy, so I might be utterly wrong, and yet my inner voice tells me that there is some truth to what I said. A boy has got to face consequences."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was
"NTA ask your wife why she is okay with her daughter being punched in the face and then being rewarded for that?" ~ beautyinthorns
"She’ll just say he is little and doesn’t know any better. OP, your responsibility as a parent is to protect your children at all costs. From other adults and other children." ~ carlosmurphynachos
"The worst part is a three-year-old definitely should start understanding punching is wrong at this age. My three-year-old knows punching is wrong. He still does it sometimes (to me at least) because he has no impulse control, but he knows it's bad and he'll get in trouble." ~ animeandbeauty
"Everyone talks about the Terrible Twos, but I think age 3 is the worst. The best way I heard age 3 explained is that it’s the Terrible Twos with INTENT."
"I have sympathy for two-year-olds. They know on some level there are words they need and that their body should be able to do stuff, but there’s just a whole lot of chaos and failure. That’s frustrating. But age 3 is when you get into knowing manipulation and wanting to be the God Emperor/Empress."
"If you don’t do the work to lovingly nip that in the bud, there’s gonna be problems. Age 4 is better, and age 5 is magic. As long as you’re not raising your kid like the OP’s ILs."
"Hey OP, you are NTA." ~ Cephalopodium
"She 100% is a 'boys will be boys' kind of boy mom. That child will be a nightmare until he learns the hard way, hopefully before he ends up in prison or really hurts someone." ~ QueenThang
"It infuriates me when people use that excuse. Of course the kid doesn’t know better! That’s why you have to teach them what’s right and wrong! Kids don’t magically download that information from the universe." ~ Remote_Plankton_2314
"He doesn’t know better? Whose fault is that? Maybe this is the perfect opportunity for him to learn better." ~ IceBlue
"The girl is 11 months old, he's more than twice her age. If anything, SHE doesn't know any better. Babies look for familiar faces and now this one got her hit twice in the face for no reason.
"I had 3-year-old kids as a teacher. They don't know everything, but they definitely know a minimum. And they SURELY get the meaning of the word 'NO' unless they never hear it or it's never enforced." ~ Least-Designer7976
"He could also seriously hurt her, whether or not that's his intention. Punching a baby in the face is dangerous, even if it's a three-year-old fist. It's very concerning that mom seems more concerned with her guest's comfort than safeguarding her child." ~ West_Economist_2195
"At 3 years they understand no and to stop even if they act like they don’t. My nephew acted like that, ended up in a heap of trouble later because his parents always made excuses and rewarded the behavior."
"The consequences must be logical and natural, and he hit the baby over the toy, so it’s a good consequence. If he can’t play nice with it, he can’t play with it."
"His parents are giving him the one-on-one time he clearly wants when he acts out. No wonder he always acts out." ~ mortgage_gurl
"I would really examine your wife and her reaction to violence by her nephew toward her daughter. Ask how she would feel if a 3-year-old at a playground hit your daughter."
"If she has no issue with it, she has internalized some awful ideas about raising kids, and it’s on you to figure out how to protect your daughter."
"But this isn’t a gender thing, so drop that. It’s a violence thing. All violent children, not just boys, require correction." ~ No-F*ckin-Ziti
"That's exactly what I was thinking. Like, protect your daughter! What the hell‽‽"
"Or when he grows up a bit bigger and is 5 and he kicks her in the face or slaps her harder because now he's a 5-year-old, is that going to be OK too? What if he throws hard stuff at her? Smashing things in her face. Is that OK?"
"Is your wife just going to say 'awww poor little boy' and not give a sh*t about your daughter who's being assaulted by this gremlin? Does she even like her daughter? Or did she always wish for a son?" ~ LittleFrenchKiwi
"And when their daughter ends up in the ER, they're going to think the parents are abusive. The wife is f*cking NUTS." ~ SarcsmQn5
"NTA. You were way more restrained than I would have been. I would have been explaining chapter and verse on why they were terrible parents setting their son up for a bad experience when he meets another child capable of striking back."
"Or when he seriously injures some infant. They'll be legally responsible for any consequences. Either way, they'd be out of my house immediately if they allow him to punch my child twice with zero consequences." ~ dataslinger
OP clearly has a different view on discipline than his in-laws and his wife. It sounds like having his in-laws staying in their home isn't a good fit or safe for their daughter.
Maybe it's time for them to find other accommodations.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.