A teacher's gesture of affection towards a grade school student sparked a heated discussion about the appropriateness of student-teacher interaction.
Redditor abcd20000 is a parent, whose nine-year-old is exhibiting uncontrollable tantrums.
They became furious after discovering what the child's teacher had been doing and accused her of "stunting" their son's growth.
After a confrontation with her went south, they visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit and asked:
"AITA for getting angry at my son's teacher for hugging my son?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My son is about 9 and a half years old. I used to hug him all the time, and whenever he was even slightly upset, he would come to me to soothe him."
"He became so dependent on me, he had trouble controlling his own emotions, to the point he still had tantrums like a toddler (they haven't fully stopped yet), so I started to wean him off hugs."
"I recently found out that he had been getting hugs from his teacher. Not only is this really weird, but it's literally stunting his emotional growth."
"When I confronted her, she blew up and lectured me on how 9 year olds 'need' hugs. I think that's complete bullsh*t."
"I stopped being actively hugged at 6, and most 9 year olds don't have the same emotional issues my son does."
Strangers on the internet were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Many Redditors saw nothing wrong with the OP's son receiving hugs from his teacher.
"He's 9. He's still really young. Physical affection is IMPORTANT. Humans literally need it to be emotionally healthy. Even adults can be touch-starved."
"I'm not surprised he has emotional issues if his own parent won't hug or comfort him at the age of 9. YTA." – Amblonyx
"Hugs at an elementary school from teachers is very normal. We had teachers who we loved and had fun with and our principals were great too. Everyone loved hugging their favorite teachers."
"Also, if you didn't want hugs, no one made you hug them. It made school a more positive place to be." – Odd-Plant4779
"YTA. First off its really not weird. You deciding your shouldn't hug your kid anymore IS weird." – Fastr77
"Teacher here, and y'know what makes me sad about this story? If OP makes a stink about it, the teacher could easily end up getting in trouble, or at the very least be told to stop all further physical contact with students."
"I hope it's an experienced teacher who knows their stuff and doesn't get intimidated by nonsense like this." – BitiumRibbon
"YTA Hugs don't stunt emotional growth, but deprivation of kindness and human contact absolutely will."
"Where in earth did you get this idea?? Humans NEED hugs. Touch starvation is a real thing." – DrDFox
"Actually, psychologists say that children really need hugs for good emotional health." – Diznygurl
"YTA. Good lord, his emotional issues are not caused by hugs. This is horrific logic. Please consider family therapy." – DormantDormaus
"All of this. PLEASE get therapy, OP. Hugging your child should come naturally, but obviously, it doesnt to you because you were cut off from affection at such a young age."
"Just FYI that's not normal or healthy. Happy kids know they are loved, and withholding affection is cruel and can have life long consequences, yourself being the case in point. YTA."
"You're lucky your son has an educator who actually cares about him and you really need to find some better sources for parenting tips. Please hug your child before he ends up like you." - Mryessicahaircut
"You weaned him off hugs? Where did you get that stupid idea? YTA" – GlaxenFlux
"My mother was like OP and stopped hugging me or showing me any kind of affection altogether around this age (probably even younger, actually). It not only pained me and made me feel unloved, but really impaired my own ability to show affection."
"I also tend to expect exaggerated amounts of physical demonstration of affectation from my partners, probably to offset what I didn't have growing up, and/or as a constant search for reassurance."
"But it's never enough somehow, which inevitably leads to me feeling insecure and unloved again. Although I'm conscious of having some deep neurosis, I can't seem to be able to get rid of it, so I had to decide to stop dating in order to stop suffering."
"So yeah, OP YTA, and please hug your kid before they end up messed up like me." – Skeptikaa
"YTA- I hugged my teacher daily at 9 (he reminded me of my dad). He mentioned it at conferences, and my parents were like you."
"They told me it was weird and to stop. I still am embarrassed to give hugs to people. You are screwing your kid up." – Suspicious_Ad9810
"YTA, hugging shouldn't have an age limit. You may be emotionally stunting him by withholding comfort due to some unrealistic view of hugging restrictions." – FairShame3
"I'm 21 in my senior year of college and I still crave hugs from my mom. I never got hugs from my dad growing up (besides when I was a single-digit child) and despite my parents still being happily married, my dad's hugs aren't the same as my mom's."
"She's my saving grace and the only reason I didn't kill myself when I was in high school."
"YTA and I hope you find sympathy for YOUR child who just needs a hug to feel love because you obviously aren't providing enough of it at home to the point that their teacher has to provide it." – scorpionmeal
"YTA I am a grown ass man, and I still need hugs everyday, especially when I'm sad. Wtf?" – Svantish
"YTA, kids need hugs. Your child throwing tantrums isn't directly linked to how many hugs he receives." – sad-lyfe2001
"YTA. Please go and hug your child as much as he wants and needs now."
"In just a few years he will become a teenager and the last thing he will want is to be hugged by you, so treasure these years in which he is actively looking for that level of comfort and affection from you."
"Time flies, and very soon, you will be the one dreaming for a hug from your son." – Tugpo
Many Redditors condemned the OP's objection to hugs, and some even ventured in suggesting the OP might be in need of a little bit of an embrace.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.