In addition to lasting forever, love between two people is supposed to be unconditional.
When you commit to loving someone, you love them at their best and their worst.
Trying to change something about them, like how they dress or how they style their hair, might seem like a mild offense but is actually a sign of conditional love, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Distinct-Date-4306 and his girlfriend had very different approaches to fashion, with him expressing himself with comfortable clothes and band t-shirts while his girlfriend was well-versed in the fashion industry.
While he accepted their differences, when he came home and saw what his girlfriend had done, the Original Poster (OP) realized that she did not accept him in the same way.
He asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for getting the ick after my girlfriend tried to 'surprise' me with a new wardrobe?"
The OP and his girlfriend had different perspectives when it came to clothes.
"I'm a pretty simple dude when it comes to clothes. Band tees, jeans, sneakers, that's my uniform."
"My girlfriend (24 Female) is really into fashion, likes to follow all the trends, spends hours on Depop, the whole deal."
"We've been together for almost two years, and she's always made little comments about how I could 'elevate' my style, but I've always just laughed it off. I thought she was just messing with me."
The OP was shocked when his girlfriend used him as her next fashion project.
"Well, yesterday, I got home from work, and my entire closet was different."
"She had taken a personal day, gone through all my stuff, and bagged up half of it to donate."
"In its place, she hung up a bunch of new stuff, linen shirts, tailored trousers, and these weird platform sneakers."
"She was standing there with this huge smile, so proud of herself, and said she wanted to do something nice for me and help me 'level up.'"
The OP felt betrayed.
"I was honestly speechless for a minute. I didn't know whether to laugh or be mad."
"I finally asked her where my stuff was, and she said it was in the hall closet, waiting to go to Goodwill, but that I could 'go through it later if I really wanted.'"
"She kept going on about how good I was gonna look and how we could go on nicer dates now."
"I just felt this massive wave of 'ick' wash over me."
"I told her she had no right to touch my stuff and that it was kind of disrespectful."
The OP's girlfriend accused him of being ungrateful.
"Her face dropped, and she got super defensive, saying she was just trying to be a good girlfriend and that I was being ungrateful and overreacting to a gift."
"She's been crying in the bedroom for like an hour, and now I feel like a total jerk."
"But like, am I wrong for feeling violated? It's just clothes, but it's also my stuff, you know?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some cringed at how toxic the OP's girlfriend's "kind gesture" felt.
"Someone changing out your whole wardrobe without a conversation and agreement is aggressive. It's one thing to get some new clothes here or there, but it's not okay to think you can decide how someone else dresses. NOR." - Virtual_Werewolf_935
"NOR. The best option would be to ask for consent, which she didn't do."
"For example, I would love to go on a fancy date with us dressed up. I would like to buy you a fancy shirt for that occasion. Would you like to go shopping with me so that we can find one we both think is fitting for that kind of occasion?"
"In the situation described by OP, there is no consent, no respect for the other person." - compassion-companion
"Here's a direct translation for that whole closet transformation: 'I'm embarrassed by how you look when we're out together.'"
"Ick indeed."
"That wasn't a gift for you, it was a gift for herself." - OneJury8863
"She literally said they CAN GO on nicer dates NOW. ICKKKK."
"She literally ADMITTED the 'gift' wasn't about making OP happy, it was about making herself less embarrassed to be seen with him. That's not love, that's vanity."
"And now she's crying because he didn't thank her for basically saying 'you're not good enough for me as you are'? The audacity is stunning."
"NOR at all, this gives major ick, and OP should seriously reconsider if he wants to be with someone who sees him as a project to fix rather than a person to love." - Top_Plankton2639
"The girlfriend didn't consider OP as a person and thought he was a toy doll to dress up to play with."
"I could see if there were going to be a wedding, a funeral, or an event at a fancy restaurant, when someone only ever wears jeans and tees, asking, 'Do you have something appropriate to wear to my cousin's wedding or would you like me to go shopping with you?'"
"Otherwise, after the girlfriend made one comment about 'elevating' his wardrobe, and he did not respond by saying, 'Okay,' or, 'Yes, I'd like some help with that,' she needed to leave it alone after that. She needs to either accept the guy as he is or go away and leave him alone, and let him find a girl who appreciates him just as he is."
"When I met my husband, he was a jeans, very old t-shirt, and sandals guy. We'd been dating about two years when my father died, and I'd never seen him in anything other than jeans, old t-shirts, and sandals, and an occasional bathing suit. LOL."
"When my father died, I asked him, 'Do you have a suit and tie to wear to the funeral? Would you like me to help you shop for one?' and he, surprisingly, said he'd take care of it. I explained about the viewing, the church service, and the graveside service as he was from another country and a different religion with slightly different rituals."
"Come the day of the viewing, he showed up in a suit with a nice shirt, tie, coordinating socks with dress shoes, and he drove us and escorted my mother and me into the funeral parlor as if he'd been doing it all his life! He even had a handkerchief to offer to my mother when she needed one."
"He showed up for the church service and graveside service the following day with the same suit and dress shoes on and wearing a new shirt, tie, socks, and a fresh hankie and, again, drove us and escorted my mother and me as if he'd been doing this for years."
"Twenty years later, as he donned that same suit for a young family member's graduation, he told me that he had gone to a men's suit warehouse-type place dressed in his usual jeans, old t-shirt, and sandals, found a salesman and said, 'This is how I dress. I have no other clothes other than this, and my fiancée's dad just died, and there is a viewing, church service, and graveside thing, and I need to be dressed appropriately to show respect to her dad, her, and her family. Can you advise me, please? My budget is $x amount of money.'"
"After being fixed up with the clothing, he went to a United Methodist Church near where he lived (four hours from where I lived, attended church, etc) and told the minister, 'My girlfriend's dad just died. I am going up to stay with her for the week for all the services: there is a viewing, a church service, a graveside service, and a reception at the house. What do I need to know about how to act to keep from embarrassing myself, her, or her family? I am from a different religion in this other country, but they are all United Methodist, and I want to do what I can to show my respect and support. What do I need to know and how do I act?'"
"All I can say is that he must have spoken to the right salesman and the perfect minister because he was flawless in how he looked and acted!"
"We all deserve someone like that, OP. NOR." - Proverbs21-3
Others pointed out that there was a tasteful way to approach swapping out someone's closet.
"My bestie's wife was bored with his wardrobe, so she sent him out with a personal shopper. He had a great time buying new stuff that was still very him. That's how you do it." - Littlepotatoface
"There are ways to help a partner find clothes that are a better fit, but this isn't it."
"When my parents first met, my dad wore a lot of dull yellowish brown. That was not a great colour on him. So every Christmas, my mother would get him one nice shirt or sweater in a colour she thought would look better. He'd add it to the rotation for a few months and give feedback."
"Over the course of two decades, they figured out a colour palette that looks good on him and that he likes. No clothes were tossed unless they had literal holes in them that couldn't be fixed."
"That said, I do wonder if OP may be the kind of guy who absolutely refuses to dress nicely or formally for special occasions. That's a whole separate issue. Dressing for an occasion is just part of basic respect and social norms. It still wouldn't excuse what the gf did, though. But it might explain her frustration." - MathAndBake
"My boyfriend has all band shirts, and we like to go on nice dates, so occasionally, when I find a cool shirt in his style that's more dressy, I buy it for him. The first shirt I bought him is his favorite, though, and I doubt I'll ever beat it." - puddlebearmom
"NOR. If she wanted you to have nicer clothes for fancier dates, she could've just gifted you some while leaving your closet alone."
"Gifts should be given unconditionally, and you could add the ones you liked to your closet and donate the others to someone in need. But you'd still be gradually adding new pieces to your closet for those fancy schmancy dates she wants to go on." - Telly94
"My husband has always worn punk shirts and jeans, Converse or Vans kinda guy. I mean, pretty much forever. He looks good in it, and he likes it; he's got a few outfits for special occasions and s**t, but yeah."
"I don't see why she didn't just say, 'Hey, I got xyz, so we can go to xyz for a date,' or whatever. Like, simple as that. The fact she didn't and overhauled it tells me she downright doesn't like his style and wants him to change it so he's 'on her level' fashion-wise, which is a major ick." - chronictwink30
Maybe the girlfriend had the best intentions, but the fact that she was immersed in the fashion industry and even stressed during the wardrobe reveal, saying they could now go on fancier dates, screamed of conditional love and red flags.
It was okay for the girlfriend to love fashion, and for the OP to love comfort, but they could only be together if they could equally love each other for their individuality and differences, rather than one of them treating the other like a project.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.