Some people make it painfully obvious when they want to feel in control and make others feel inferior.
A future parent-in-law not allowing their future child-in-law call them by their first name comes to mind, side-eyed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor MarxistMountainGoat had been with their boyfriend for over seven years and had gotten engaged earlier in the year. By that point, they assumed that they could be less formal with the people they would soon be family with.
But immediately after calling their future mother-in-law by her first name, the Original Poster (OP) was contacted by their fiancé, informing them to continue calling their future mother-in-law "Mrs. Last Name" until told to do otherwise.
They asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by being weirded out by my future mother-in-law asking me to call her 'Mrs. Last Name' instead of her first name? Is this normal?"
The OP was looking forward to getting married and decided to loosen up around her in-laws, but it was ill-received.
"Earlier this month, I called my future mother-in-law (MIL) by her first name. I've always called her 'Mrs. Last Name,' but since my fiancé and I have been together for seven years and are now engaged, I dropped the formality when texting her."
"Immediately, my fiancé messaged me, saying not to call her by her first name and to call her 'Mrs. Last Name' and said it was a southern thing."
You can see a copy of their conversation here, in which the OP's fiancé wrote:
"My mom is on the way now, should be about 30 minutes."
"Don't call her [First Name], just Mrs. [Last Name]."
The OP was clearly surprised.
"But she's about to be my mother-in-law."
"But if that's what she prefers, okay."
The OP's fiancé insisted:
"She calls her mother-in-law Ms. [Last Name], and she's 49 years old."
"It's just a Southern thing."
u/MarxistMountainGoat/Reddit
The OP felt conflicted.
"I was kind of confused and felt weird about it. I'm not originally from the South; I grew up on the West Coast, so maybe there is something I'm missing, but his mother has not seemed very enthusiastic about our engagement in the past."
"To me, it came across like she wanted to keep distance between us, especially since she went through her son to tell me this instead of telling me herself."
The OP clarified that she was confused, not disrespectful of her MIL's wishes.
"To clarify, I'm going to call my future MIL what she prefers. I've legally changed my first name twice myself and have struggled to get some people to call me what I wish, so I completely understand wanting to be called by the name/title you're most comfortable with."
"I suppose I was just wondering if the formality was a way to keep distance between us given my history with her, which has been sparse and sort of awkward."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some side-eyed the fiancé's advice and assumed the mother-in-law (MIL) was on a power trip.
"I live in South Georgia. It’s never Mrs. Last Name unless someone is on a power trip. It’s Mrs. First Name."
"Heck, after marriage, most drop the Mrs. altogether and just call them First Name or Mom." - PottyMouthedMom3
"The 'southern thing' is Mrs. First Name. Otherwise it sounds like ego." - SherBear127
"I may be a northern Yankee, but my mom was 'Mom' to anyone who was in our house more than once. I'm 45, and there are friends I haven't seen in over a decade who still drop by Mom's house for some chili and a chat. Last I checked, she's the emergency contact on at least two people outside the family." - Wolv90
"My mother-in-law passed about 10 years ago. She wasn't warm and welcoming at first, but once it was apparent I was going to be in the family, I was FAMILY. I miss her every day." - OneLastPrep
"NOR. That sounds weirdly formal for someone who has known you for seven years."
"I called my late MiL 'Mama' and my mom 'Mom.' Although my husband still calls my mom 'Mrs. Last Name,' and she's never corrected him. Might be due to Mom and I not being super close." - PattyMarvel
"Fellow Georgian here. I've never called my MIL Ms. Last Name, and she'd think I was nuts if I did. I called her Ms. First Name early on in our marriage because we were quite young. Now that I'm older, I just call her by her first name."
"In my memory, my very southern parents have also never called their in-laws Ms./Mr. Last Name. Always first names only." - Expensive_Win2291
"My very southern MIL would think I had lost it and ask why I was calling her by HER MIL's name if I did Mrs. Last Name." - SpaceQueenJupiter
"This is some southern debutante culture bulls**t, asking people familiar with you to call you 'Mrs. Last Name.'"
"I would bet cash money that her, her mother, or both were in the Junior League for their town. Definitely were in a sorority. More than likely come from money. Highly likely to know all the gossip. Probably went to a school like Ole Miss looking for a husband in pre-law or pre-med."
"Can you tell I'm from the south and I detest these people?" - captainoftrips
"To be honest, I think it's a screw-up on the MIL's part not to have said, 'Call me first name' by now. It's rude and makes it clear she doesn't like OP for whatever reason." - FanndisTS
Others pointed out situations where "Mrs. Last Name" would make sense, but they didn't think this moment qualified.
"I call my next door neighbor who is ten years older than me Mrs. Last Name. My other neighbor, who is even older but down to earth and very nice, I call her Ms. First Name."
"OP, just do it the southern way and call MIL how she wants to be addressed. You’ll see her true colors in due time." - Prudent_Valuable603
"I would only call an adult I knew as a kid, who I rarely ever interact with as an adult, Mr or Mrs last name. So if I’m back visiting my parents in my hometown and I run into an old teacher or the mom of a friend from when I was a kid, I would say Mrs last name. The OP's situation is not that." - IceCreamSocialism
"My MIL informed me upon meeting her that I was to call her and FIL 'Doctor and Mrs Last Name.' I was 25."
"The moment her son and I got engaged, I was informed I was to call them Mum and Dad."
"It... was never comfortable. Too formal, too informal, never right" - LoadCertain3135
"I am from Georgia. While this is a thing, I believe that many people who marry into a family want to drop the formality of 'Mrs.' It’s hard to feel like family when your MIL prefers to keep the formality. The beauty of family is that it’s informal."
"So if that’s important to you, it’s worth a discussion with your fiancé. It can be a southern thing, but the fact that it makes you feel excluded is a human thing, relevant thing, and important. Good luck." - forever-is-a-feeling
"I’m from the south and I can see how this makes sense. A lot of older southern women were raised in the debutante culture of the south, where respect was literally taught through lessons. I, for example, still call people I’ve known for a long time 'ma’am.'"
"I wouldn’t take it personally, and instead reframe it as she will be happier if you respect her wishes, even if it's antiquated." - Standard-Cow-9727
"I dealt with this bulls**t too. I’m from MS. Your mother-in-law is power tripping and doesn’t like you, and your fiancé is totally siding with her. Buckle up." - Master_Bonus5064
After reading the comments, the OP felt reassured and decided to drop the subject.
"After more consideration and reading the comments, I'm strongly leaning towards just dropping the issue. Not because I believe my initial feelings weren't valid, but because it seems like just a preference/tradition, and I dont believe its worth creating any tension over with my fiancé or his mother."
"To clarify again, my question wasn't if I should ignore my future MIL's request to be called by her last name. The plan was always to call her what she wants regardless, even if the formality of calling your in-laws 'Ms. Last Name' is strange to me."
"Thank you all for your comments and advice."
This is one of those situations where it sounds like the mother-in-law either wants to make it very clear who the boss in the family is, or wants to hold space for her importance in the family, likely coping with her son growing up and starting a family of his own.
Regardless, the OP did the right thing by considering all the advice and deciding whether this was something she could live with. While it might be overly formal, there are more troublesome mother-in-law traits.
