Mom-To-Be Refuses To Let Husband Name Baby Girl After His Mother Who Recently Passed

It's understandable that the grieving process is messy and complicated, and every person is going to navigate that journey differently.

The triggers of grief and what suddenly might feel important and non-negotiable can come on unexpectedly, too, cautioned the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.

Redditor ThrowRA19012's mother-in-law passed away suddenly from respiratory failure, and her family-in-law was struggling with the loss, especially her husband.

While she understood that her family-in-law was going through it, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked when her husband demanded that they name their future daughter entirely after his mother, and his family fully backed his demands up.

She asked the sub:

"AITAH for refusing to name my daughter after my husband's mother?"

The OP and her husband peacefully chose their first baby's name together.

"My husband and I found out we are having a girl and we're both very excited about it."

"I started going through some baby girl names and picked out a few I liked to run by him. I'm open to compromise, so I'm willing to take feedback and negotiate."

"With our first child, I picked the first name and he picked the middle, and it worked out great."

"My husband and I both agreed to our first child's name. I suggested the name and he agreed. I didn't choose it and tell him, 'Too bad.' He let me give suggestions because he wasn't sure what he liked."

"He also works 10-hour days and doesn't have time to sit at home looking at baby names. We both agreed to our first child's name."

But the name for their second child was caught in a whirlwind of grief.

"My husband's mother passed away within the last couple of years and I know he had a very hard time coping with it. He was very close with his mother and he was absolutely devastated by her loss."

"When we found out we were having a girl, my husband immediately wanted to name her after his mother."

"I suggested maybe just using her middle name as our daughter's middle name, but he wanted to incorporate her full name. It would be the equivalent of his mother being named 'Christina Marie' and naming our daughter 'Christine Marie.'"

"I even suggested hyphenating her name as 'Christine-Marie' and using that as a middle name, allowing us to choose an original first name, and he turned that down, as well."

The OP felt like her husband refused to listen to her.

"I tried to negotiate with him, but he would not budge. He said that's the name he wants for our daughter and he would not consider anything else."

"To be quite honest, I don't even like the name and wouldn't have considered it anyway."

"I said that's not fair because we have to agree on the name and I don't want her being an extension of your mother. She has her own identity and needs to have a name that's unique to her."

"We got into an argument about it recently and I said I refuse to name our daughter almost identical to someone else."

"He was furious and told me to figure out the name on my own and he wanted nothing to do with the naming process. He said I'm disrespecting his mother and he won't tolerate it."

"This is supposed to be a happy and exciting time in our lives, but I've cried for days because of this."

The OP empathized with her husband but felt deeply pressured.

"His family is siding with him and thinks I'm being an a**hole. I might be an a**hole because I could've been more empathetic towards him, but he's not listening to me at all."

"He is still mourning his mother and I feel incredibly sad for him. He was very depressed for a long time and I feel for him. I am willing to include her name in our daughter's name, but he wants to do the full name in there, just a slightly different version."

"I know the name means a lot to him but I don't think it's fair to me. I feel like I have no say in this."

"Forcing my daughter to live forever in her grandmother's shadow is my main concern. I knew his mother very well and I really liked her. She died suddenly from respiratory failure. It was like she was here one day and gone the next."

"I don't think my husband has fully processed the death and he's still grieving the loss. We miss her so much. Whenever I think of her name or hear someone else with the name, it brings me back to the trauma of watching her die in a hospital bed and the doctors saying there's 'nothing else they can do' because machines are keeping her alive."

"I don't want that to be what people think of when they look at my daughter."

"AITAH?"

Fellow Redditors weighed in:

• NTA: Not the A**hole
• YTA: You're the A**hole
• ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
• NAH: No A**holes Here

Some reassured the OP that she was right to be upset and to want to discuss this. 

"The issue is just as you stated: your husband is pulling the 'but it's my mom's name, and that's final' card and not listening to anything you have to say in the matter as the other parent."

"My husband lost his father tragically as a child. Father's name was Joseph Matthew so we named our son Matthew Joseph (not his real name). In this way, we honored his father but our son has a unique name."

"Another custom is to take the first letter of the deceased person's name and pick another name that starts with the same letter."

"Or, what I think is lovely would be the mother's first name as your daughter's middle name. It doesn't have to be her full name. My oldest daughter's middle name was the feminine version of my father's name, who died before any of my kids were born."

"NTA." - BayAreaPupMom

"NTA. I think you offered a great compromise with the mother's name being a middle name for your daughter."

"'You're being disrespectful to my mother, and I won't tolerate it.'"

"No, you offered a compromise. That shows you're being respectful and willing to work with him. He seems to not be willing to compromise with you or respect you." - DragonLadiesFire

"He's being disrespectful to their unborn child AND to his wife, putting expectations and another identity and unlimited grief on an unborn child. And speaking from experience, a lifetime of his wife hearing how similar her daughter is to her late mother-in-law, or worse, how much she's falling short of her. NTA." - SweetTooth

"NTA."

"This is hard as your husband sounds like he's still in full mourning for his mother and is unlikely to be as rational as he should at present."

"I suggest you don't discuss this immediately as he may calm down. Maybe make a list of names you like that incorporate MiL name as potential compromise. As you don't mention the name it's hard to see if it could be shortened etc for general use which you may like better. I think CM was used as an example, if not can use use Christa?"

"Both of you need to agree - it's not one party's prerogative though having carried the baby and being the one giving birth, its normal to feel your views are slightly ahead of his on this one."

"How do you usually resolve differences? This is a good chance to work out how you deal with conflict as a couple. Unless baby is coming this week this situation doesn't need to be solved immediately."

"Ways that won't help conflict resolution are one party giving in, someone sulking or giving the silent treatment, yelling until they get their way." - au5000

Others said that the mother of the child had every right to have a say in the naming process.

"For baby names, it's two yes's for a go and one no for a veto."

"You gotta tell him that you have an equal voice."

"Since you've already done that, you have to realize for now that it's not working and he isn't thinking logically or rationally."

"She's pregnant and has no need to argue, repeatedly, with someone who is still grieving, over something like this. Op should give her daughter a preferred first name and put his mother's name as a middle name if she wants to compromise and stop talking about it altogether. Get your husband into grief counseling, and have a healthy pregnancy. NTA." - Mandiezie1

"My MIL died a month before I got pregnant with our daughter. There was a lot of talk that we should name her after MIL."

"I really disliked her name and luckily husband did not insist, but there was no way I would have saddled my daughter with that name." - maddjaxmaddly

"We only had one baby. We were sure on the first name but he wanted the middle after his grandmother. I gave in but in the end it didn't really matter, it wasn't a happy ending. The thing that caught me was your crying for days, I can't stress this enough but stress is not good for your baby or your pregnancy." - Significant_Rule2400

"My partner and I had a discussion about potential kids. Our rules are, both of us have to like the name. If more than one person in either of our families has the name, it's off the table. No A male names or M female names."

"The reason for the last one is that my partner's parents both have names starting with A, then gave him a name starting with A. Post is a problem when everyone has the same initials. But one miss, one mr, is okay. At least we can differentiate through titles."

"Also, we both come from Greek families. When the same names get used over and over, it becomes painful to figure out who's being called. I'm one of 34 in my family with the same first name. It gets frustrating after a while."

"But the main rule, is if you're naming something be it a pet or a child, both people should have an equal say. If one person isn't okay with the name, another name should be picked." - LadyBladeWarAngel

"My husband is the fifth generation Todd Chester (not his actual name). They all have unique middle names, but they are all Todd Chester and all go by Todd."

"Family gatherings with him, his dad, and his grandfather were a nightmare. I have always hated it. Fortunately, we had three girls so it wasn't ever an issue."

"Aaaaaaaand then when I was 40, we found out we were pregnant with our first (and only) son. My husband informed me that the baby would be named Todd Chester and called Todd."

"I informed him that unless he was carrying him for the rest of the pregnancy, birthing him, and nursing him, he was mistaken. I was open to Todd Chester, but I was not open to the baby going by Todd. He could go by his middle name. The argument was HEATED."

"I finally said, 'I want you to explain to me why I have been an equal partner in this marriage. I have given you three beautiful children. I have been an equal partner in raising them. I grieved the loss of our last pregnancy right beside you. I was the one who underwent all the fertility treatments and the childbirths and will be the one taking on all the physical risks to have this baby. And after ALL OF THAT, you don't want me to have any say in OUR SON's name. Why is that okay?'"

"He was very quiet and said he needed time to calm down and we would discuss it again in a few weeks. Two weeks later, he came and said he had thought about it and he understood my position and was willing to compromise. He wanted us to come up with three potential middle names together. He wanted to choose the final middle name that he would go by."

"I said that was fine with me. So that's what we did."

"I realize it's not the same because my husband wasn't grieving his father. But he was grieving for his grandfather, and he had planned to name his son Todd his entire life. So it was not a small thing to him at all."

"But I feel very strongly that if we are expected to give birth to a child and then be excluded from the naming entirely, then we are being treated like incubators for a man's property. And I won't be treated like that EVER."

"You're NTA. Your husband is allowed to grieve. He isn't allowed to treat you poorly in the process." - Todd_and_Margo

After receiving feedback, the OP shared a brief update.

"I'm letting this cool down until I'm closer to giving birth and we will decide. I refuse to argue with him my whole pregnancy. It sucks, but there's nothing I can do now. Thank you everyone for your input."

While the subReddit could totally empathize with what the OP's family-in-law was going through, they could not warn the OP enough against putting the family's history of grief and memories of the OP's late mother-in-law onto her daughter. Her daughter deserved to be her own person, and while the late mother's memory deserved to be maintained, this might not be the way to do it.