It can be a great sign when someone has a positive relationship with their parents.
But it can be the biggest red flag if they have attachment issues and no boundaries.
That's especially true when it becomes clear that they'll always choose their parents over their partner, cautioned the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Dirty_Dancer6 thought they were looking forward to getting married, but their fiancé had developed a bad habit of dropping everything to go see his mother instead of her.
When he became angry that she wasn't prioritizing his mother the way he was, the Original Poster (OP) thought they might have a problem.
She asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole because I said no?"
The OP realized something about her fiancé when he chose his mother's lunch over hers.
"This Friday at midnight, my (31 Female) fiancé’s (33 Male) family said they wanted to have lunch, but then didn’t respond to any messages or calls about the details."
"Fast forward to today, which is a Sunday. They still haven’t replied to anything. We have our lunch and everything; suddenly my fiancé gets a call from his mom, saying we should come to hers in one hour because they want to have lunch now."
"Obviously I say no, because you’ve given an hour's notice; it takes me more than an hour to get to her house, and we’ve already eaten."
"My fiancé, however, tells her yes. He stops eating the lunch I’ve prepared to save space for his mom’s lunch and gets ready to leave, telling me I should get ready as well."
The OP's fiancé was furious when their priorities did not match.
"I once again say no. Had she been more considerate, I would’ve gone, but I’m not going to stop eating the food I made because she had this lunch as an afterthought."
"Now my fiancé is mad at me, stormed out of our home, and didn’t even say goodbye. He did, however, as a parting thought, tell me that since I am engaged to him, I’m part of his family and should go."
"This isn’t the first time this has happened, and honestly it makes me feel like I’m the other woman, and whenever his actual fiancée/wife calls, he runs off to her."
"Am I the a**hole here?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were furious on the OP's behalf about how her partner put his mother before her.
"Nope, NTA. Your fiancé is, though, and this is a huge red flag." - Loud-Employ289
"STOPPED EATING THE LUNCH YOU MADE??? Oh h**l no."
"That's some crazy right there. Is she the effing queen? Was this a command performance?"
"NTA, and this will only get worse, OP."
"I can't believe he spoke to you like that over this craziness."
"Don't allow anyone to treat you like that." - SophiaIsabella4
"NTA. If it’s this bad when you are a fiancé? It will ONLY get worse if you marry him. Please think carefully about how the rest of your life would pan out if you marry into this situation." - Ozzy_Mama1972
"This has happened before, and you’re still engaged??"
"What is wrong with you?? You will always be the 'other woman.' RUN!!" - Aromatic_Recipe1749
"NTA. I live very close to my in-laws. It does mean spur-of-the-moment meetups, but they are always more of a 'we're doing this sometime on this day,' or 'we're doing this now/in x time if you want to join.'"
"It does both ways, and adds a little chaos, but both sides try to give a heads-up, and understand if the other already has something going on."
"That's respectful and reasonable even with being unplanned. What you describe is insanity." - Dustquake
"NTA. PLEASE read your post again. This wasn't the first time and it most certainly won't be the last. You ARE the other woman in this relationship. He's a mama's boy, and he'll always put her wants/needs before yours."
"What will it be next, you're being intimate, and his mother calls, wants him to come over, so he stops and tells you, 'Mama said we need to go to her house to (whatever), so get dressed'?"
"Imagine if you have kids and the baby is only a few days old. 'Wake them up, Mama wants to see them.' He won't gaf if it's unsafe for the baby; what mama wants, mama gets."
"Don't bother having a talk with him about it. End the relationship quietly. Move out when he's not home, leave a note along with the ring telling him why it's over. Block him/them on your phone. If you're friends on sm and he tries to play the victim, put his sorry @ss on blast! You deserve so much better than this. Good luck!" - Otherwise-Wall-6950
Others encouraged the OP to consider whether this was actually a family she wanted to marry into.
"NTA, think about what he said very hard, and then decide if you really want to be engaged to that family." - Longjumping-Pen-5095
"Listen carefully to what he said and how he said it. The power trip his mother is playing on you will only get worse. Good luck." - ajulesd
"You marry the family. I’m going through a divorce atm. I learned waaay too much about his family over the years, and I decided I don’t like them anymore. He didn’t like that and chose them. Choose wisely, OP." - Kellbows
"Ew, NTA. I highly doubt his enmeshment with his mother is gonna change. I'd think long and hard about if you wanna fight his mother for his attention for the rest of your life if you marry him." - OwnedLittleOne
"OP needs to decide if she wants to be in a threesome as the second wife because that is where this is going. NTA." - myglasswasbigger
"Are you sure you want to marry a man who thinks his mother is still more important than the woman he is going to marry? Also, his mom is not a considerate person, and you were right to tell both of them no. NTA." - Lookonnature
"THIS IS YOUR LIFE IF YOU MARRY HIM."
"Do you really want to spend the next half of your life feeling like the mistress in his relationship with his mommy?? He's 100% a mama's boy. Those ties run deep... sometimes (often) deeper than marriage."
"Please really think if this is how you want your life to look like. Then think about it with kids. Then think some more. I couldn't find happiness as a runner-up." - HeyPrettyLadyMaam
"NTA. Do you REALLY want to go through life feeling like the other woman? Your fiancé has not cut the Apron strings to his mom, and it shows."
"As for the 'your part of his family' remark, he's part of yours as well, not to mention you and him are your own family. He owes you a HUGE apology." - HorrorElliott1999
"The OP wrote, 'since I am engaged to him, I'm part of his family.' ...Oh lordy."
"Edit. Let me be clear in case someone needs it."
"Marrying a man is not you entering his household like a new appliance. You're supposed to create a new family together. If his position is that you should bend to his family's ways, he is essentially viewing you as a guest to his life. This is not a good foundation. You're in trouble." - No-Albatross-7984
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
"Hi all, I read through all of your comments, and even though some were a little harsh, I get it."
"He comes from a bad childhood, and I know for that reason he always goes above and beyond for his mom. It was always a point of strain between us, but I tried to view it as he is a traumatized individual, and it takes time for us to work through these things."
"Unfortunately, I’ve come to accept that some people just never work through their traumas, no matter how much you support and encourage them to seek help."
"My plans of staying elsewhere fell through, and I had to stay at our place, but I took the bedroom, and he took the couch. Because of this, we did have a conversation; at least I tried to, but it turned into him raising his voice, refusing to admit that her lack of planning was, in fact, inconsiderate, and pushing all of the blame on me."
"He called me a selfish person who had no family values or obligations. This hurt me deeply, as I have been wanting to move back to my home country for years, and he is well aware of it."
"It felt like the second I said anything remotely close to what he deemed an insult to his mom, he suddenly snapped, and I became enemy number one."
"In that moment, I realized that I could never be with or love a person who flipped on me so quickly over something as small as me not wanting to run off to last-minute plans."
"I told him I do not want to be engaged and I wouldn’t marry him. I left my ring on the table this morning when I left."
"I’m still figuring things out now, but at least I’ve figured this out."
As important as family is, committing to a romantic relationship means starting a family of their own. Since the OP's ex-partner was so committed to plans with his family, he clearly wasn't ready to start a family with his wife, even after he got engaged again.
