Sometimes people just can't help but dole out their unwanted opinions.
They just love to comment on clothes, accessories, food, behavior, and class.
Many people aren't comfortable with others just dishing out commentary about them.
And who can blame them?!
Redditor RudeVeterinarian6940 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to let my boyfriend's sister dictate what I wear?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (26 F[emale]) have been dating my B[oy]F[riend], Evan (28 M[ale]), for about two years."
"I'm close with his family, but his older sister Lauren (36 F) has become weirdly obsessed with what I wear."
"It started with little comments."
"If I wore a dress, she'd say I was 'really dressed up.'”
"If I wore leggings, she'd ask if I was 'actually wearing pants.'”
"If I wore shorts, she'd tell me I was 'brave.'”
"I tried ignoring it because I figured she was just being opinionated.
Eventually, I mentioned it to Evan."
"He told me Lauren was just like that and that I shouldn't take it personally."
"Then she started texting me about my clothes."
"Before a family dinner, she saw a picture of my outfit and messaged me asking if I could wear something 'more appropriate.'”
"I told her that I wasn't comfortable with someone else deciding what I could wear."
"She said she was only trying to prevent me from embarrassing myself."
"I showed Evan the messages, and he finally told her to stop."
"Unfortunately, she continued making comments in person."
"At an engagement party, I wore a fitted red dress".
"Evan privately asked if I'd consider putting on a jacket because Lauren thought the dress was 'a little much.'”
"When I asked whether he had a problem with it, he said no."
"He just didn't want drama."
"The most recent one happened at a family barbecue."
"It was extremely hot, so I wore denim shorts and a loose tank top."
"Lauren looked me up and down and said, 'Seriously?'”
"Later, she pulled me aside and told me she was tired of having to 'manage' my clothing choices."
"She said that because I was dating her brother and would be around their family often, I needed to follow certain 'standards.'”
"I told her that my clothes weren't her concern."
"She then claimed she'd talked to Evan about it several times and that he agreed I should 'tone things down.'”
"I confronted Evan, and he admitted they'd discussed it."
"He insisted he never told Lauren that he wanted to control what I wore, but said he had told her he didn't want drama."
"I told him that's exactly the problem."
"Instead of telling his sister to stop criticizing me, he was trying to avoid conflict by asking me to change."
"He said he didn't want to be caught in the middle."
"I told him there shouldn't be a middle."
"I'm not asking him to choose between his sister and me."
"I'm asking him to support me when someone repeatedly criticizes my appearance."
"I left the barbecue early."
"Since then, Lauren has told other family members that I'm disrespectful, attention-seeking, and apparently 'trying to compete with her,' which I don't even understand."
"Evan thinks I owe her an apology."
"I don't think I did anything wrong."
"I'm tired of feeling like every family gathering comes with a dress code that Lauren gets to enforce."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So, AITA for finally telling my boyfriend's sister that what I wear is none of her business?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA, but take note."
"Evan is showing that he will not stand up for you."
"He thinks it’s easier for you to change than for him to deal with an issue where you are clearly not in the wrong."
"Is that what you want in a partner?" ~ Donutsmell
"That's honestly the part that's bothering me the most now."
"At first I was focused on Lauren because she's the one making the comments, but I'm realizing Evan's response is a separate problem."
"I don't expect him to fight with his sister every time she says something, but I do expect him to be able to say, 'She's an adult, and her clothes aren't your concern.'”
"Instead, he's been trying to keep the peace by asking me to accommodate her."
"I definitely need to think about whether that's something I'm willing to put up with long-term." ~ RudeVeterinarian6940
"Do not marry him."
"Someone who won't stand up for you and allows you to be bullied in front of him is not Someone worth being around or being financially tied to."
"Drop him and move on."
"He doesn't need to choose between you and his sister."
"It was never a choice to begin with. If he's not on your side, then he is not your boyfriend."
"His choices are whether he does or doesn't want to be your boyfriend." ~ Jaded_Antelope_598
"Agreed."
"BUT before I did, I would spend a few weeks giving nightmares S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] as good as she gave… I would match all that energy."
"The next time I saw her, I would reach into my bag and take out a Diet Soda and hand it to her with the comment, ‘The sugar seems to be catching up with you, babe."
"This should help.’"
"Invite her over for a meal and heat up a Lean Cuisine for her."
"Make a Pinterest board for her and, using images of her from Social Media, create a what not to wear (her images) vs. what to wear."
"When you see her again publicly, exclaim LOUDLY, ‘If it isn’t little miss fashion police.’"
"And then hand her a catalog from an expensive store and tell her to treat herself to something really nice in a size that fits with some of the cash she must be making for criticizing everyone else’s attire."
"People treat us the way we allow them to, and sometimes the only recourse with a bully is to serve it right back. 😜😜😜."
"OP: NTA."
"And when you do decide to move on, make sure to give your BF a bag of throat lozenges and tell him that perhaps they will help him find his voice." ~ stinstin555
"The next time she pulls this, nicely draw everyone's attention, and then say you think poor dear Lauren might need help, and then, in front of everyone, ask Lauren if she is okay and if she needs medical intervention because her obsession with your clothing choices is unhealthy and might be a symptom of a deeper issue and, 'Can we help you, dear?'"
"That ought to shut her up."
"Bottom line, she is bullying you."
"Bullies do not like to be outed."
"Once you have done that, dump the jackwagon who let you be bullied." ~ ClassicCommercial581
"When I was first with my partner, I was introduced to his then friend group, who I had heard great things about."
"One of his friends commented about how surprising it was he was with me because his last girlfriend was thin."
"I mentioned to my partner how it upset me, and he immediately went and told him never to make a comment like that in the future."
"I had told him not to say anything (I was still in my people-pleasing years), but he said that their behaviour was unacceptable, and he was going to make sure it never happened again."
"He had known this friend for a few years, and we'd only been dating a couple of months at this point."
"Personally, I'd dump your partner."
"If he allows these comments now, what's in the future?"
"Her deciding your wedding dress?"
"Criticizing your body whilst pregnant and postpartum?"
"Telling you what a terrible parent you are?"
"You deserve to be treated with respect, and he's enabling disrespectful behaviour towards you and bullying." ~ Rainbow_dreaming
"NTA. By not picking sides, he's picking a side."
"And now both you and Lauren know that he will allow her to disrespect you."
"He even wants you to apologize to her?"
"Just throw out the whole man." ~ LiLyMonst3R
"That's the part I'm having the hardest time getting past."
"I could understand him not wanting to get involved in every little disagreement, but once he started asking me to change my clothes and then wanted me to apologize to her, it stopped feeling neutral."
"I don't think he realizes that 'I don't want to be in the middle' still leaves me dealing with the consequences of his sister's behavior."
"I'm definitely taking a step back and thinking seriously about whether this is the kind of dynamic I want in a long-term relationship." ~ RudeVeterinarian6940
"NTA, but you def need a more supportive boyfriend."
"His sister probably would not be so controlling if he hadn't given her the message over the years that he was willing to let her decide aspects of his life."
"As for her, her comments are just outrageous."
"If you ever get married, I see a strong argument for not inviting her to the wedding, despite the ensuing drama." ~ Easy-Point808
"NTA, but I'd honestly reconsider dating Evan."
"He's low-key giving his sister permission to insult you. "
"Also Evan's sister needs to cop on to her internalized misogyny and control issues."
"Competing with younger women at 36 is just embarrassing." ~ Low-maintenancegal
"NTA... but seriously, just dump him; he’s not going to change, and there are plenty of other men."
"You know his parents, as he wanted to be opinionated behind your back and not defend you."
"Tell his mother why you broke with him."
"She should give him a rant on being stupid."
"His sister will get told off verbally as well, most likely." ~ Swansboy
Reddit is with you, OP.
Lauren's behavior is outrageous.
She's the one who deserves a proper dressing down!
You deserve so much better.
It may be time to evaluate you and Evan.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp