Humans are a complicated species: while we might claim to do good deeds purely out of the goodness of our hearts, we often have underlying wishes for what we might receive in return.
This is largely what makes money and expensive gift-giving so messy, especially in families and romantic relationships, pointed out the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit, as there often ends up being someone who feels indebted, uncomfortably and highly conditionally, to someone else for something they never asked for.
Redditor vedantk21 had been with their girlfriend for three years and decided to surprise her by paying off her full student loan debt, even though they were certain she'd say no if they presented it to her.
When she found out what they had done, the Original Poster (OP) was hurt that she was more overwhelmed than grateful, even saying she "couldn't leave" the relationship because of it.
They asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by being hurt that my girlfriend's response to me paying off her student loan debt for her birthday was, 'Now I can't leave'?"
The OP knew that their girlfriend was paying off her student loans.
"I'm 29, she's 28, and we've been together just under three years."
"She had been paying off a student loan, and there was £8,600 left. She'd had a spreadsheet tracking it out to 2031 and would check it every Sunday."
"At first I thought it was kind of cute that she was so on top of it. After a while, it just started feeling heavy."
The OP decided to do something about it for their girlfriend's birthday.
"I'd had the money to clear it for about eight months. I kept going back and forth on whether to offer it, knowing she'd say no."
"Every version I played out in my head ended with her refusing."
"So for her birthday I just did it. Put the confirmation in the card and waited."
The OP's girlfriend did not have the reaction they expected.
"She went quiet for a bit and then said, 'So now I can't leave.'"
"About ten seconds later, she apologized and said she didn't mean it."
"I've thought about those ten seconds more than anything else since."
"She's said 'thank you' a few times, properly."
"She's also started sending me money (£200 last week, £200 this week, no note). I sent both back. She sent them again. It's just sitting there."
The OP wasn't sure what to do about their girlfriend's reaction.
"I did it the way I did it, because I knew she'd turn it down if I asked. I've realized that's not really generosity; it's just deciding for her and calling it a gift. I took the choice away."
"She keeps saying thank you, but I think what she means is that I did something TO her."
"There's stuff she told me early on about her parents' marriage that I won't put on here, but I think that's where the first sentence came from. It's not mine to post."
The OP felt conflicted.
"Was paying it off still the wrong move, even though it's gone now?"
"And is 'now I can't leave' something you can come back from, or is that just the first honest thing either of us has said in a while?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some admitted that the OP totally overstepped and understood why their girlfriend now felt trapped.
"I kind of get it, personally I would feel deeply uncomfortable with a boyfriend or girlfriend (or anyone really) paying off this kind of debt for me without even discussing it first."
"She feels indebted to you now and probably worries about the way this might affect the relationship in the future. Even if it wasn't your intention, this creates a power imbalance in the relationship, one that could be weaponized or lead to resentment if and when you guys have disagreements down the line."
"I think the 'now I can't leave' comment could totally have just been an impulsive or intrusive thought that came more from shock thananything else, especially if she's seen financial dependency cause greif in her own family."
"Money has historically often been a tool to keep women trapped in relationships. It doesn't necessarily mean she actually wants to leave you like some comments are suggesting; it could just be that she really values her own financial independence. She had a well-laid plan to pay off the debt, and you swooped in and unilaterally overruled her plans."
"I do think you need to discuss it with her more, and if she cant be comfortable with it, you might just need to let her pay you back." - SnooApples7213
"I treat gifts as gifts, no matter who they came from, whether I'm giving or receiving. I would be very grateful and make sure he knew it, but I wouldn't have any problem continuing on with the relationship in the same manner as before."
"That being said, I totally understand where she's coming from. Not everyone is wired that way. If it makes her feel better to just start paying him back, he should accept that and hope the relationship is repairable." - unoriginalusername99
"Let me try a metaphor:"
"Say you are hanging out somewhere, having a good time. You have no intention to leave anytime soon, because you are enjoying yourself."
"But then you see the host get up, lock all the windows, lock the door, and stand in front of the door, blocking the exit."
"Even though you had no intention to leave, don't you suddenly feel uncomfortable by the fact that you may not be allowed to leave, if you did want to?"
"That's the feeling you've created in her. Maybe she had no intention to leave, but she suddenly finds herself asking, 'What would happen if we broke up? Would he then expect me to pay him back?'"
"'What if we have a big fight? Will he say I'm not allowed to disagree with him, because he spent so much money on me? What about if he wants to have sex but I'm not in the mood? Will he try to force me by saying I owe him?'"
"You caused her to feel unsafe with you." - Suitable-Film-3708
"She doesn't want to be indebted to you. Unfortunately, some men will use huge gifts as a way to pressure women into staying with them, in that they'll manipulate her into thinking she has to repay them for the gift in some way."
"I don't think she actually wants to leave, nor do I think she believes you're dangerous; she probably just panicked." - Drag0nesque
"Okay. If you KNOW for a fact, that she would NOT want you to do this, and you’re sure about that, then you should have absolutely not done it. 'Every version I played out in my head ended with her refusing' means you knew that you shouldn’t do it. But you did it anyway."
"Whatever happens from here is on you." - ZephNightMare
That said, some understood that the OP meant it as a helpful gesture and gave feedback to help mend the relationship.
"You're correct that you disregarded her wishes and took her choice away. You can't undo what you did, but you CAN approach her and ask how she wants to handle this going forward. She's sent you money; it looks like she wants to repay you."
"The discussion you should have had before, should at least happen now. If she pays you back, you'd still be saving her the interest. Personally, I would try to talk about making it into an impersonal 'same as previous payments' that she had before, just ending sooner due to lack of interest. She could set up auto-payments so you could both mostly forget about it instead of making this a constant reminder in your relationship."
"Although, she was diligently tracking it every Sunday, she likely won't forget about this easily."
"A written agreement about this might help as well. It should assuage her 'I can't leave now' fears if you can both treat this as a debt that exists and will be paid off regardless of relationship status. And if your relationship progresses to marriage, you can always both agree to stop payments at some point if she's become comfortable with that idea." - spicewoman
"Ooooo that was such a bad move. You knew she’d say no, so you knew she didn’t want you to do this, but you did it anyway."
"If there was something you really didn’t want her to do for you and she did it, knowing that, how would you feel? Not listened to? Like your opinion doesn’t matter? Like she doesn’t respect you? Doesn’t care about what you actually want?"
"I’m not sure it even counts as a present when you know it’s something she doesn’t want." - Jemma_2
"I think the only thing you can do to rectify this, if it is even possible, is to have this conversation and show her that you really understand why what you did was wrong rather than just brushing it under the carpet, hoping it will go away."
"She needs to be able to trust you again, even a little bit, and for that she needs to see that you understand fundamentally that you crossed a boundary, learned, and won't do it again." - lampidudelj
"I've had experience with this. It sounds like she has had a history where someone held 'gifts' as leverage, and that has affected her views on them."
"Completely valid. Abusers will do heinous sh*t like that. I had someone tell me 'no gifts' when we first started becoming close. I respected that, but we would get each other small gifts. It took time to build the trust/knowledge that I would never hold those things over her head."
"So, if this sounds like something she may have gone through, perhaps give her some grace."
"On the other hand, if that's not it at all and you get the vibe that she was already thinking of leaving, that's a whole different can of worms. But that's where the nuance lies, and only you can figure that out." - timblr
"It creates a difficult dynamic. It’s harder for her to leave, which is absolutely true."
"If you two had a big fight in three months that would’ve otherwise ended the relationship, she has to weigh your action in paying her loans into her anger and response, which isn’t fair. She’d swallow her anger and stay because of the payment, which creates resentment."
"I think a genuine discussion needs to be had. I am an anxious overthinker, and that’s the vibe I got from her response. You did nothing wrong, but neither did she. You got an unfiltered response in the moment; don’t hold it against her." - Roctuplets
Even if the subReddit could understand that the OP paid this debt to help their girlfriend, they felt that the OP going behind her back, knowing that she would have refused the gesture, muted any of the OP's positive intentions.
The best thing the OP could do now was apologize, explain that it was a no-strings-attached gift and that they meant it, and give their girlfriend the means to pay back the debt she'd previously been paying to her student loan provider so she could feel independent again.
Redditor Stunned By Girlfriend's Telling Reaction After Paying Off Her $11k Student Loans As Birthday Gift