In the United States, it's true that acquiring an education is more expensive than ever, and it's becoming increasingly difficult to acquire a good-paying job without an advanced education.
That being said, we also have to be mindful of how much we spend on that education, or there will be no hope of paying it off in the long run, advised the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor KeyboardCommando999 worked in Finance and wanted to be mindful of his spending and debts, so when he found out how much debt his girlfriend had in student loans, he was shocked.
But when she also wasn't very concerned about how she'd pay her student loans off and expected him to help her with them, the Original Poster (OP) wasn't sure it was the right relationship for him anymore.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for not wanting to pay off the 250K of debt my girlfriend has in student loans?"
The OP recently found out his girlfriend had a lot of debt to pay off.
"I (26 Male) have been dating my girlfriend for three years."
"I just found out she has 250k in student loans. In six months, her payments are going to start, and realistically, they are going to be around 2,800 dollars per month. She went to Drexel, which costs between 70K and 80K per academic year."
"She has a Bachelor's degree in Education and ideally wants to become a Middle School History teacher. Realistically, salary-wise, she would be making around 50K per year."
"She was working in Starbucks for a bit but quit because 'it was too much to manage school and work at the same time.' She is in the process of looking for a job."
"I work in Finance and currently make 100K per year."
The OP weighed the pros and cons to decide whether to stay in the relationship or not.
"Objectively, she is an extremely attractive woman but displays no motivation to pay off her loans."
"I've asked her about it a few times before, but she brushes it off like it's no big deal and displays no motivation to pay it off. She says that it's 'our debt' and that we'll address it at a later date."
"After considering all the facts, I decided the headache and expense would not be worth it. I think this is a lesson of life you can't always skate by on your looks alone."
"To make a long story short, I dumped her."
"It's like I'm above ground now, and she's 400 feet down a mineshaft, and she wants me to jump in with her and get us both out while she sits and watches me dig."
"Fundamentally, I can't deal with that kind of dead weight in a relationship and think that ideally your significant other should be there to build you up, not bring you down."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
First of all, some didn't understand how the girlfriend spent so much on a Bachelor's degree.
"$250k in debt for a Bachelor's degree is insanity. That's all I have to say about that." - draznaccataro
"This makes no sense. No Bachelor's degree costs that much!" - AdvertisingFree8749
"She clearly didn't think this through at all. Spending $80k per year for four years with aspirations of getting a career that pays $50k per year? She'll be in debt for the rest of her life."
"Do not marry this girl. She may have a college degree, but she's not smart, and she'll drag you down with her." - Lissypooh628
"I was just thinking how my husband racked up 180k+ in student loan debt on a bachelor's… he also went to Drexel. He graduated like 16 years ago BUT he got a Computer Science degree."
"We're still paying, we're close, down to the low-interest stuff, but it'll be paid off in about five years when he's 45. It's one of the things in life he regrets the most. We're doing really well now, but it was hard to get here."
"She doesn't sound like she has a plan at all; she actually may be able to get some loan repayment through working in schools for X years. But she totally f**ked herself financially." - Anita_Doobie
"NTA. 250k is a ridiculous amount - especially to become a teacher. I am sure she had options to go to a cheaper college or otherwise save money. It just seems very irresponsible."
"I would question having a relationship with someone with this much debt (especially debt that she chose to take - versus something like medical debt.). I may stay in a relationship, but I wouldn't marry them unless they had a solid, reasonably plan to pay off (to be fiscally responsible)." - CeeceeATL
"250k to become a teacher is quite possibly the dumbest thing she can do. Please, please, tell her to explore other options. She will be in debt her entire life unless you step in, which you absolutely should NOT do." - Hiitmetodd
"How did she accrue that much debt only to obtain a Bachelor's in Education? That just sounds asinine… I was expecting you to tell me she was a doctor now… But uhhhh, that was foolish on her end." - mps0608
"Uh... wait? Did you just ACTUALLY type that a person has $250,000 in student loan debt... for a bachelor's degree... in Education?"
"Listen... THIS IS EXACTLY why student loans should not be forgiven. That is ABSOLUTELY ridiculous. My wife and I both have bachelor's degrees, and I have a Master 's, and all three degrees didn't even cost that much. what the fuck!?" - FctFndr
"Going to a private college, taking 5 years to graduate, and borrowing money to live off of in addition to tuition payments. She sounds the type of kid who believes college is for 'the experience' instead of an investment in your future with a calculated return on investment... with only concern about finding a guy who can pay the loans off for her." - FrankParkerNSA
Others agreed with the OP about ending the relationship before marriage.
"Do not marry her. If she has no concern about her financial situation and no concern about her debt, you shouldn't be making that your concern." - Greedy-Win-4880
"Bail man, just bail. Absolutely, do not get married. 250k in debt is a deal breaker to me. Sounds like a gold digger looking for a sucker in finance." - CABJ_Riquelme
"'Our debt'? And she's only a girlfriend? You dodged a bullet, my friend. NTA." - CalmTrifle
"Imagine if he married her and was paying 2800 dollars per month for student loans. She would be demanding a house and vacations and private schools for the kids and wondering why there is no money. Yeesh. NTA, OP." - Rae_1988
"NTA. She was looking for a magic wand to erase her mistakes. YOU were that wand. $250k loan to make $50k per year? That's just dumb." - PatentlyRidiculous
"NTA. She's not trustworthy, and you don't have the same ideas about how to manage money. That's more than enough reason to discontinue a relationship."
"1. She incurred $250K debt to become a teacher?!"
"2. She kept that debt secret for almost three years."
"3. She shows no concern about paying it off, because she considers it y'all's debt, not hers alone, and you're not even married." - GAB104
"Walk away now... now. It is not 'our debt.' It is HER debt."
"And after you have helped her payoff 'our debt,' she will probably find a new boyfriend. A guy who would have told her to f**k off before helping her. I have friends who have lived this dream..." - TouristImpressive838
"She saw you as a potential ATM. You did well in dumping her. Also do NOT hook up with her again, unless you want a baby-trap situation. NTA." - NotUrSaviour
"Money is not the issue here. It's the brainlessness that led to the situation. And the fact that she never told you about this before as she was accruing the debt each semester. I wouldn't be surprised if she knew exactly what she was doing and just expected you to bail her out in the end."
"If it was reversed, I would also not accept to marry a nitwit with 250k in her bank account." - Upset-Opportunity341
"NTA. A 250k student loan debt with no clear plan for how it's going to be handled is a huge problem, especially if she's brushing it off like it's no big deal."
"You're dating someone who doesn't seem to be taking responsibility for her future, and that's a big red flag. If she's not motivated to fix this, she will just put the entire burden on you. I'm glad you ran." - TheAbouth
Not only was the subReddit shocked that the OP's ex-girlfriend was able to accrue that much debt during a four-year Bachelor's degree program for a future job in Education, but then she had the gall to say that her debt was her boyfriend's, not fiancé's or husband's, responsibility, too.
"Educated" does not necessarily equate with intelligence or common sense; she should have spent a little money on a class or two in Financial Management.
Woman Irate After 'Misogynistic' Date 'Insults' Her In Front Of Waiter For Interrupting Him
While dating is supposed to be fun and the best way to find new love, some people are just not meant to date each other.
Fortunately, people can get out of dating someone, and no reason is too small or petty, members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit pointed out.
Redditor Mental_Driver_6134 had been dating a guy on and off for over a year, and while things were okay, there hadn't been a particular reason to make the relationship more serious.
When they went on a date, and the guy publicly insulted her for interrupting him and speaking out of turn, the Original Poster (OP) was not certain it was worth going on another date with him or continuing to string this situationship along.
She asked the sub:
At a restaurant, the OP's date wasn't being clear while speaking with the waiter.
"I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off. We discussed the order and were in a good mood overall."
"When the waiter came to take the order, he started explaining him something about his preference for a particular dish. Basically, he didn't want too much garlic in chili burnt garlic noodles."
"Everything was going fine, but I saw that he was taking too much time explaining it and wasn't really getting to the main point, which was less garlic."
"I chimed in and casually said, 'We just want less garlic.'"
"But I couldn't even complete the sentence before he said to me in front of the waiter, 'If you're gonna cut me off like this, I'm not giving any orders, okay?!' in the rudest way possible."
The moment ruined the date for the OP.
"I just went quiet after that. He quickly realized that he made a mistake and tried to cover up by saying that, 'Okay , I won't shout at you next time onwards.'"
"I was really p**sed off but didn't react much to avoid creating a scene."
"On our way back home, he started with his explanation. He said that I tried to make him feel small by cutting him off and lacked basic etiquette and that I should have at least said, 'Can I give my opinion here?- before cutting him off."
"It kept getting worse as he said that since he was the older one and 'The Man,' I should not have interrupted him and let him give the order."
"The whole tone was so misogynistic."
"He even mocked me for not knowing how to use chopsticks properly, which I didn't mind as basic banter, and I told him that there are forks and spoons kept here; it's not necessary to use the chopsticks (he ended up dropping his dumpling while explaining to me how to use chopsticks)."
"When the noodles came, he said that we could use forks then, and I was like, 'No, why not use chopsticks here, as well? You should watch more anime, maybe,' and he then went on to brag about having been to many five-star restaurants, which implied that he knew more than me and that I lacked any 'real experience.'"
The OP was over it by the end of the conversation.
"I was too exhausted from this; it seemed so nonsensical that I left later and told him to maintain a distance."
"Later he was saying that I'm stuck on such a small thing and that he won't shout again, but it was my mistake that I tried to cut him off (which wasn't my intention at all)."
"Also, sidenote: He's like four and a half years older than me. I met him last September and on and off many times with a few months of minimal contact. These offs end with him acting as if nothing happened."
"This incident was the calmest he's behaved if compared to past situations, so you can guess what the worst may have looked like."
"I only gave him a chance cause he was trying to control his anger issues. But I think you can't expect a 29-year-old to fix the misogyny."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she was right to be upset.
"He was s**tty, but it was her fault; I just love that. NOR."
"If she hadn’t interrupted his highness, none of this would have happened. Why can’t she just admit it?"
"I’m so glad I’m long out of the dating pool. There is no bar anymore; it’s what can I get from you while I treat you like s**t. Man, the good old days of dating are long over." - Shadow4summer
"NOR. The 'I'm the man' line revealed everything OP needs to know about him. He couldn't handle a simple, harmless interruption, so he tried to humiliate her in public to regain control. Taking his own dumpling dive while trying to act superior is peak karma, honestly." - virelaczi
"NOR! If a 'small' man tries to put you down in public on a date, run the eff away! It doesn’t matter if it’s two dates, two months, or two YEARS!" - Delicious_Winner_819
"Not overreacting, this man is clearly insecure and controlling. Not to mention a misogynist. Instead of being on and off, just be off. It's better to be single than to be with someone who tries to make you feel less than." - curiouscuriel
"'I know better than you.'"
"Should tell you ALL you need to know about this 'man'. Go and find somebody who will treat you as their person... and not an object. That is what is not sitting right with you."
"NOR. And bloody run!!! I wouldn't even give him the time of day after an experience like that." - pootling_1976
"My ex would constantly say, 'You're interrupting me.' I was not. He was a psycho."
"This is how it went, for example:"
"Him: I am ordering chicken and snow peas and white rice [long pause]."
"I start to say ANYTHING (the place is on effing fire!), and he would berate me, 'You interrupted me, you ALWAYS do that, I can never speak, blah, blah blah.'"
"I say, 'Lucifer (what I call him behind his back), you took a long pause. I waited, and I thought you were done.'"
"Then THAT becomes a pile of s**t convo, more berating... He was so manipulative and verbally abusive; I cannot even scratch the surface here."
"So, no. That date is a Lucifer, and you should never even speak to him again." - Belmontisnowhideous
Others pointed out that the OP didn't have to keep dating him if this is how she felt about him.
"Great news! You do not need to spend any more time with this guy." - Blue-flash
"If you marry this guy, this behavior will only get worse. He doesn’t respect women, and he probably never will. I'd stop dating him now before you waste more time." - Additional-Start9455
"NOR. Don’t waste another minute of your life on an angry man. He’ll get worse, not better. Just find a guy who doesn’t need fixing." - Broad_Pomegranate141
"I mean, him being an insufferable smug jerk is not a small thing."
"'I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off.' But this strikes me as an elephant in the room."
"It isn't often that good, healthy relationships are on and off again. And given how profoundly rude he was, how immediately he doubled down, how condescending, etc., I can't help but think this isn't the first time he's been gross as a partner."
"NOR, but really ask yourself what you're doing here. This can't be the life you hoped for, and you know he isn't going to change as well." - Traeyze
"NOR. There's no way to live with this kind of man, honestly, and OP should definitely leave this guy."
"A year of on and off with kind of behavior is basically a preview of the next ten." - NoEar4226
"NOR. I've broken up with guys like that by telling them they were right all along. I'm just not smart enough for him. He deserves someone on his own level..."
"Hopefully he picks up the hint and does some self-reflection for his future dates (with other women)."
"For what it's worth, I have two post-graduate degrees." - PomeloPepper
"When someone treats you like s**t, you do NOT have to stay with them, no matter how long you've been together."
"Unfortunately, my therapist had to explain this to me a short time after I started seeing her because my parents never gave me any autonomy to make my own decisions. I didn’t know that I could just leave places that I didn’t feel safe in because it wasn’t an option for me until then."
"Some people do need to be given permission to do what’s best for them because of the way they were treated by their parents."
"Hopefully she does leave him because he sucks, and with the way he treats her, things will likely get worse for her." - Accomplished_Dig284
We've all heard the advice to not cry over spilled milk, but clearly, this date must fuss over garlicky noodles.
To the subReddit, it wasn't worth continuing to date a man who clearly had anger and control issues, especially given everything going on in society right now.
The OP would be better off staying single for a while or dating someone new, preferably someone who respects their differences about noodles and chopsticks.