No one can say that they’ve never made a single mistake while dating, even if they simply did something a little embarrassing around someone they were seriously crushing on.
But there are some mistakes that are much more serious, and much less forgivable, than others, pointed out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor -_Sardossa_- had started talking to a woman who was a single mother, and while they were not interested in parenting, they decided to continue talking to each other anyway.
When they decided to go on a date, the Original Poster (OP) was so perturbed by their date bringing her child with her without letting them know, they decided to ghost her instead of discussing it.
They asked the sub:
“AITAH for leaving a first date because she showed up with her kid without telling me?”
The OP started talking to a woman, even though they didn’t agree on having kids.
“A few weeks ago, I met a girl on a dating app, and after talking for a while, she told me that she has a kid from a previous relationship.”
“I told her straight away that I‘m really not having an interest in being a parent for someone else’s child, and she told me that this is not what she is looking for and she just wants to get to know people.”
The pair eventually decided to go on a date.
“We kept talking, and after a while, we decided to meet up for a date.”
“When I showed up to the place, I saw her standing there with her kid. She didn’t mention that she was going to bring her kid to the date.”
The OP wanted nothing to do with the arrangement.
“I was kinda surprised and stood at a distance for a minute, and then I decided to leave because it seemed really wrong.”
“I then blocked her and deleted the dating app. I am now wondering if my reaction might have been too harsh.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
While they understood boundaries, some questioned how the OP handled this.
“I wouldn’t have met her for a date. To me, a date tends to imply romantic interest. Why go on if it’s not going to work out? Not sure why she would want to pursue someone as a parent when they made it very clear they have no interest in children either.” – Tricky-Opposite-114
“Everyone is the a**hole here. Her obviously for bringing the kid and not telling you. YOU for planning a date with a woman who has a kid when you don’t want to date a woman with a kid, AND then ghosting her, making her wait longer instead of telling her you saw she brought the kid.” – DeerFae
“NTA, though like 95%. You should have said something to her about bringing her kid on a date without telling you.”
“She should have had on her profile that she is a single parent. And one other thing, was her kid old enough that they would remember or ask questions about this meet up. That will mess with kids if the mom keeps doing this.” – Flavious27
“I’m okay with the blocking. No reason to also delete the app.”
“If you don’t tell her your reasons, she will continue to do the same thing (at least for a while). This will be good for any other guys in the future since they will thus get the same warning you did.”
“If you tell her, you will just help her lie better…” – Twit_Clamantis
“Rather than simply ghosting, I think you should have messaged her to tell her you saw that she brought her child along and that you didn’t sign up for a first date with a child. After that, blocking her before she could try to argue back is fine.” – PouletAuPoivre
“NTA. She was looking for money, not love.” – MrTacoCatrM
“NTA. This had ‘trap’ stamped all over it.” – ByzFan
“Feed my kiddo. I came for a free meal for both of us, and my cousin and her 12 kids are waiting outside to join us once we get a table.” – Dramatic-Ant-9364
“NTA. Choosing not to confront her in front of her child shows far more restraint and care for that child than she has demonstrated.”
“The recommendation from initial dating to introducing previous children is six months. That means the first date and continuing for six months to determine if your new partner is in it long term and is safe to be exposed to the children. While there can be flexibility and some cases are unique, that does not include bringing a child to a first date for some dude you talked to online, that you have reassured the child won’t be involved because this will just be casual.”
“She has been communicating for weeks leading up to this date, and she then tried to sneak the child into it. If there were a valid reason, she could have reached out.”
“You can not want to be a step parent/parent, but still expect those who are to treat children well. As someone who has been a single parent, if someone else showed up to a first date with their kids, I may have messaged them after leaving, but I wouldn’t publicly confront them as that conflict wouldn’t be fair to the kids. Those kids are exposed to enough, evidently.” – Mean-Photograph8553
Others were concerned about a parent exposing their child to a stranger on a first date.
“NTA. It’s a red flag that she brought her kid to meet someone she hasn’t even met before, from both sides of this, for the kid and you.” – Ok_Copy_8869
“Seriously, she doesn’t know you. You could be some deranged lunatic, and she’s bringing her child to meet you? There’s something wrong with her.” – Your_Auntie_Viv
“NTA. Even if you were up for being a stepdad, having your child meet a potential partner on A FIRST DATE is unhinged behavior. Poor kid.” – dragonsofliberty
“NTA. It’s a major red flag to just show up at a date with anyone else if it’s not been previously discussed… and especially with a child in tow.”
“I understand that single parents who are dating don’t always have a village to care for their children, but in that case, she should have told you up front she’d like/need to bring her kid and asked if that was okay.” – Late-Hat-9144
“NTA, I don’t know who’s bringing their child to meet a complete stranger for the first time without even saying they’ll be doing so.” – moramiley
“Bringing a kid to meet a complete stranger is irresponsible parenting and major boundary-crossing. You dodged a bullet there.” – Medical_Let_2001
“As a woman with kids… she’s nuts and she sucks. No sane woman takes her kid on a first date with a stranger, especially someone who told you they aren’t interested in kids! She’s nuts. Ghost, block, move on.” – No_Scarcity8249
“I was a single mom for seven years. I NEVER introduced my son to a date unless the relationship started getting more serious than casual dates.”
“It didn’t until my current significant other (of 11 years now) came into our lives. He didn’t meet my son until we had been dating for five or six months, and he was introduced as momma’s friend. No ‘new dad’ or whatever nonsense.”
“This woman is a walking red flag, and I feel bad for her kid.” – AcaliahWolfsong
“NTA. The general rule of thumb for single parents is to wait at least six months after you have become officially exclusive and committed before introducing the kids to the new partner.”
“You have to make sure the relationship is solid before you let your kids get attached to the partner. Otherwise, you’re intentionally setting your kids up to have lifelong abandonment issues.”
“The red flag here is that she is abusive to her child. I couldn’t date someone who doesn’t even love their own kid.” – Sweaty_Painting_8456
“NTA. Single mom here, and as a mom, my kids’ safety is a priority.”
“She was willing to risk the child’s safety and comfort level for what? A free meal? I’m not saying it’s you or every man out there, but I am saying that if she can’t prioritize her child’s safety, she won’t be able to manage even dating another adult and respecting their boundaries.”
“So creepy. I’d be worried for that kid, again, not asking you to step up. This is just huge flaming red flags.” – Special_Entry1691
One Redditor had a very different perspective, though.
“About six years ago, I matched with this young woman on Tinder, and knew upfront she was a single mom. We both went in without expectations, and wanted to see where things went. She wasn’t going into it looking for a father for her daughter, and I wasn’t going into it looking to become a dad so soon.”
“On our first date, just before, her babysitter fell through. I already knew she had a lot of difficulty getting childcare. Significant difference between us here is that she let me know as soon as she could, and we decided to proceed anyways (it was a breakfast date if that matters).”
“Now, we’ve been married for 3 years, and in addition to our now seven-year-old, we also have a very happy one-year-old and a very mischievous beagle. I gradually fell into the role of father, in a way that felt natural for everyone involved. It was sooner than I ever planned, but I honestly couldn’t be happier this is the way my life turned out.”
“If I cancelled because her (now our) daughter joined us on that first date, my life would be far emptier than it is now (not saying a childless life is empty, I’m speaking to my own experience and happiness before and after, and I was very content with my life before).”
“There are differences in my situation and yours for sure. She didn’t let you know beforehand so you could be part of that decision. I’m also not sure you’re right together considering the size of your reaction, and the inherent unpredictability of having kids.”
“The point I’m trying to make though, is that you could have at least met her and found out… Not for her sake, but for your own potential future and happiness. I don’t think a meal is a big price to pay to find out.” – Tipsygrizzly
The subReddit could understand a person not wanting to be a parent, and also a single parent struggling with juggling dating with their parenting, but as empathetic as they wanted to be, they could see issues with how both of these people behaved.
Communication was something that both of these people needed to work on. Avoiding the subject wouldn’t help in the future, and neither would doing something, only expecting to apologize later.