No one can say that they've never made a single mistake while dating, even if they simply did something a little embarrassing around someone they were seriously crushing on.
But there are some mistakes that are much more serious, and much less forgivable, than others, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor -_Sardossa_- had started talking to a woman who was a single mother, and while they were not interested in parenting, they decided to continue talking to each other anyway.
When they decided to go on a date, the Original Poster (OP) was so perturbed by their date bringing her child with her without letting them know, they decided to ghost her instead of discussing it.
They asked the sub:
"AITAH for leaving a first date because she showed up with her kid without telling me?"
The OP started talking to a woman, even though they didn't agree on having kids.
"A few weeks ago, I met a girl on a dating app, and after talking for a while, she told me that she has a kid from a previous relationship."
"I told her straight away that I'm really not having an interest in being a parent for someone else's child, and she told me that this is not what she is looking for and she just wants to get to know people."
The pair eventually decided to go on a date.
"We kept talking, and after a while, we decided to meet up for a date."
"When I showed up to the place, I saw her standing there with her kid. She didn't mention that she was going to bring her kid to the date."
The OP wanted nothing to do with the arrangement.
"I was kinda surprised and stood at a distance for a minute, and then I decided to leave because it seemed really wrong."
"I then blocked her and deleted the dating app. I am now wondering if my reaction might have been too harsh."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
While they understood boundaries, some questioned how the OP handled this.
"I wouldn't have met her for a date. To me, a date tends to imply romantic interest. Why go on if it's not going to work out? Not sure why she would want to pursue someone as a parent when they made it very clear they have no interest in children either." - Tricky-Opposite-114
"Everyone is the a**hole here. Her obviously for bringing the kid and not telling you. YOU for planning a date with a woman who has a kid when you don't want to date a woman with a kid, AND then ghosting her, making her wait longer instead of telling her you saw she brought the kid." - DeerFae
"NTA, though like 95%. You should have said something to her about bringing her kid on a date without telling you."
"She should have had on her profile that she is a single parent. And one other thing, was her kid old enough that they would remember or ask questions about this meet up. That will mess with kids if the mom keeps doing this." - Flavious27
"I'm okay with the blocking. No reason to also delete the app."
"If you don't tell her your reasons, she will continue to do the same thing (at least for a while). This will be good for any other guys in the future since they will thus get the same warning you did."
"If you tell her, you will just help her lie better..." - Twit_Clamantis
"Rather than simply ghosting, I think you should have messaged her to tell her you saw that she brought her child along and that you didn't sign up for a first date with a child. After that, blocking her before she could try to argue back is fine." - PouletAuPoivre
"NTA. She was looking for money, not love." - MrTacoCatrM
"NTA. This had 'trap' stamped all over it." - ByzFan
"Feed my kiddo. I came for a free meal for both of us, and my cousin and her 12 kids are waiting outside to join us once we get a table." - Dramatic-Ant-9364
"NTA. Choosing not to confront her in front of her child shows far more restraint and care for that child than she has demonstrated."
"The recommendation from initial dating to introducing previous children is six months. That means the first date and continuing for six months to determine if your new partner is in it long term and is safe to be exposed to the children. While there can be flexibility and some cases are unique, that does not include bringing a child to a first date for some dude you talked to online, that you have reassured the child won't be involved because this will just be casual."
"She has been communicating for weeks leading up to this date, and she then tried to sneak the child into it. If there were a valid reason, she could have reached out."
"You can not want to be a step parent/parent, but still expect those who are to treat children well. As someone who has been a single parent, if someone else showed up to a first date with their kids, I may have messaged them after leaving, but I wouldn't publicly confront them as that conflict wouldn't be fair to the kids. Those kids are exposed to enough, evidently." - Mean-Photograph8553
Others were concerned about a parent exposing their child to a stranger on a first date.
"NTA. It's a red flag that she brought her kid to meet someone she hasn't even met before, from both sides of this, for the kid and you." - Ok_Copy_8869
"Seriously, she doesn't know you. You could be some deranged lunatic, and she's bringing her child to meet you? There's something wrong with her." - Your_Auntie_Viv
"NTA. Even if you were up for being a stepdad, having your child meet a potential partner on A FIRST DATE is unhinged behavior. Poor kid." - dragonsofliberty
"NTA. It's a major red flag to just show up at a date with anyone else if it's not been previously discussed... and especially with a child in tow."
"I understand that single parents who are dating don't always have a village to care for their children, but in that case, she should have told you up front she'd like/need to bring her kid and asked if that was okay." - Late-Hat-9144
"NTA, I don't know who's bringing their child to meet a complete stranger for the first time without even saying they'll be doing so." - moramiley
"Bringing a kid to meet a complete stranger is irresponsible parenting and major boundary-crossing. You dodged a bullet there." - Medical_Let_2001
"As a woman with kids… she's nuts and she sucks. No sane woman takes her kid on a first date with a stranger, especially someone who told you they aren't interested in kids! She's nuts. Ghost, block, move on." - No_Scarcity8249
"I was a single mom for seven years. I NEVER introduced my son to a date unless the relationship started getting more serious than casual dates."
"It didn't until my current significant other (of 11 years now) came into our lives. He didn't meet my son until we had been dating for five or six months, and he was introduced as momma's friend. No 'new dad' or whatever nonsense."
"This woman is a walking red flag, and I feel bad for her kid." - AcaliahWolfsong
"NTA. The general rule of thumb for single parents is to wait at least six months after you have become officially exclusive and committed before introducing the kids to the new partner."
"You have to make sure the relationship is solid before you let your kids get attached to the partner. Otherwise, you're intentionally setting your kids up to have lifelong abandonment issues."
"The red flag here is that she is abusive to her child. I couldn't date someone who doesn't even love their own kid." - Sweaty_Painting_8456
"NTA. Single mom here, and as a mom, my kids' safety is a priority."
"She was willing to risk the child's safety and comfort level for what? A free meal? I'm not saying it's you or every man out there, but I am saying that if she can't prioritize her child's safety, she won't be able to manage even dating another adult and respecting their boundaries."
"So creepy. I'd be worried for that kid, again, not asking you to step up. This is just huge flaming red flags." - Special_Entry1691
One Redditor had a very different perspective, though.
"About six years ago, I matched with this young woman on Tinder, and knew upfront she was a single mom. We both went in without expectations, and wanted to see where things went. She wasn't going into it looking for a father for her daughter, and I wasn't going into it looking to become a dad so soon."
"On our first date, just before, her babysitter fell through. I already knew she had a lot of difficulty getting childcare. Significant difference between us here is that she let me know as soon as she could, and we decided to proceed anyways (it was a breakfast date if that matters)."
"Now, we've been married for 3 years, and in addition to our now seven-year-old, we also have a very happy one-year-old and a very mischievous beagle. I gradually fell into the role of father, in a way that felt natural for everyone involved. It was sooner than I ever planned, but I honestly couldn't be happier this is the way my life turned out."
"If I cancelled because her (now our) daughter joined us on that first date, my life would be far emptier than it is now (not saying a childless life is empty, I'm speaking to my own experience and happiness before and after, and I was very content with my life before)."
"There are differences in my situation and yours for sure. She didn't let you know beforehand so you could be part of that decision. I'm also not sure you're right together considering the size of your reaction, and the inherent unpredictability of having kids."
"The point I'm trying to make though, is that you could have at least met her and found out... Not for her sake, but for your own potential future and happiness. I don't think a meal is a big price to pay to find out." - Tipsygrizzly
The subReddit could understand a person not wanting to be a parent, and also a single parent struggling with juggling dating with their parenting, but as empathetic as they wanted to be, they could see issues with how both of these people behaved.
Communication was something that both of these people needed to work on. Avoiding the subject wouldn't help in the future, and neither would doing something, only expecting to apologize later.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp