When it comes to marriage and parenting, a lot of people refer to certain decisions as "two yes, one no" situations. In other words, the decision is so important that both partners need to say yes. If one partner says no, they need to keep looking for other options.
It's a way to separate minor issues, like what to eat for dinner, from major issues, like who will be named guardian for the children if the parents die.
A spouse turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after clashing with their husband over childcare.
LividMeasurement5252 asked:
"AITA for refusing to get a less chaotic nanny?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My husband and I have 3 kids (11-male, 6-male, and 4-female). We have had a nanny, Mila (21, female), for almost 2 years."
"Mila is a ball of chaos. That is the only way I know how to describe her. The girl just screams 'undiagnosed ADHD' (one of my kids and I have ADHD so speaking from experience here)."
"Some highlights include the last time she called in sick, which was a voicemail 20 minutes before school got out saying, 'I don’t know exactly what I did to my shoulder, but it hurts like a b*tch, and my arm is tingling. The advice people say this is an urgent care issue so I think I’m gonna be a little late'."
"Then there’s the time she drove my kids to a Walmart 30 minutes away to get supplies for my oldest’s school project because none of the nearby Walmarts have all of the supplies. There was a Michaels 3 blocks away that has everything. She just forgot that it was there."
"She also tends to pick my kids up saying, 'I forgot to eat lunch so who wants fries/a shake/chips/other fast food side' around once a week."
"We came home to my entire living room covered in balloons because they decided the dog needed a birthday party. His birthday isn’t for 3 months."
"I came home to Mila sitting on a lawn chair in my driveway while my kids flagged down drivers to buy bracelets, sodas, cookies, and random toys from their rooms."
"All of these things have happened in the past 6 weeks."
"You definitely have to be a little flexible to work with her, but all of the kids come back alive, they always have everything they need for school done, and she plans some really fun activities for them. I don’t limit her driving with the kids. She’s a good driver, kids are in appropriate seats in a car that we own and maintain, and she finds great activities for the kids."
"My husband is not as fond of Mila’s chaos as I am. He thinks we need a nanny that has more structure, rules, routines, etc... and someone that isn’t going to take our kids out to fast food places every week or forget to take the kids to swim class (only happened once after the swim school changed the classes from Fridays to Wednesdays)."
"I refuse to get rid of Mila. I think she is a great fit for our family and the kids absolutely love the chaos."
"My husband is upset that I’m not giving him a say in who is caring for our children, although he’s been fine with her for the past two years and absolutely nothing has changed with her."
"He’s been complaining about minor things lately (like the car being a little messy, about as messy as my car) and has been bringing up profiles for other babysitters, mostly older women or young men."
"The only thing that I can think of that could’ve caused this is my older son mentioning once that Mila is really pretty and an incident where we took a family vacation; he didn’t want to share a bed with his brother, and he suggested that he share Mila's bed because 'she doesn’t fart'."
"Mila shut that suggestion down before he even finished his sentence."
"But his talk about Mila stopped after I talked to him about him being 11 and Mila being an adult."
"My husband and Mila rarely even interact. The last time he’s seen her was when we all went on vacation, and the time before then it was probably when she went to my son’s flag football championship."
"She leaves between 6 and 6:30, and my husband doesn’t get off of work until 8, so I’m almost always the one relieving her and communicating with her."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was the a**hole (YTA).
"You honestly justified her behavior by stating ‘all of the kids come back alive’ and that seems like the lowest possible bar you can set for a nanny. The kids had fun, and they never died is what you can put on her reference letter, because according to you that's the service she provides."
"Both of you have to be happy with the nanny, and it sounds like your husband doesn't want to wonder what irresponsible or dangerous thing his nanny will do next, even if you love chaos and unpredictability. This isn’t something that just one of you decides on alone. YTA." ~ TheDaemonette
"YTA. As a former, long-term nanny, the biggest thing my past employers say about me is that I gave them peace of mind. They were able to succeed at work because they never had to worry about me (and therefore their kids)."
"Sounds like you don’t have that, and even if you don’t care that you don’t.. your husband does, and he gets just as much say as you do."
"I think a nanny is a 'two yes, one no' situation. If one person says no, you shouldn’t be able to override their decision." ~ MeatAccomplished6615
"YTA. Childcare needs to be two yeses if there are two parents. He shouldn't have to leave his kids with someone he isn't comfortable with, and it sounds like there are real issues that he's been having to overlook, and now he's fed up, or the 'flagging down cars' was his final straw. It would be mine." ~ temperedolive
"Yes, you're an a**hole for keeping a nanny your husband doesn't want. He has a say about who takes care of them too, and if he doesn't want them in the habit of zero structure, fast food every week before dinner, and flagging down cars—if he wants a nanny he can count on—then you should listen."
"I get him. She'd have been let go with the drive 30 minutes away because she forgot about a store blocks away. The nanny should be more, not less, organized and responsible than the children they're watching."
"But you refuse; it's what you want. Is it always like that for him? He expressed something, and you just completely dismiss him because it's how YOU want it. YTA, hard." ~ Dovendyreet
"As a parent and a former nanny for DECADES, she sounds like an absolute nightmare. Your husband is right to be looking for someone reliable and consistent with your kids. YTA. Fire her and find a true professional." ~ Terrible-Peach7890
"YTA, because it seems to me that if you love Mila so much, you should at least be trying to manage her to try to cut down on the unreliable and unprofessional behavior your husband objects to. You should also be thinking of what kind of influence she is having on your kids, as it seems obvious to me that not all of it will be good."
"Reined in with some guidelines she's made to adhere to, perhaps she could be fun while being reliable and not a bad influence, but that doesn't sound like the situation as it is. Although, I do wonder if that is even possible, as her (and your) judgment seems to be flawed."
"I mean, just take one example: why on earth would it be acceptable to have your kids flag down cars trying to sell their toys or any other things from the house without you, as the parents, approving what was being sold? If they want a yard sale, organize it and put up signs. Don't have children 'flagging down cars' to sell whatever they grabbed from the house while their nanny lounges nearby. That just seems wrong and irresponsible on its face in all sorts of ways."
"This is your children's lives, not some wacky sitcom. You may be amused by Mila's irresponsible behavior, but your husband clearly isn't. Child welfare is a 'two yes, one no' decision." ~ kurokomainu
"Sure, balloons all through the living room sound fun. Her letting the kids run out into the road to talk to strangers, missing swim lessons, taking road trips because she 'forgot' a store was close by, feeding the junk food before dinner, being late picking the kids up, etc... all in just 6 weeks sounds a lot less fun, and like something that might be causing stress."
"Honestly, it sounds like OP mixed in what they thought were a few fun anecdotes with the actual concerning stuff to make it sound like her silly little husband just hates fun, when my guess is he has some valid concerns about whether this is a safe, healthy, stable routine for their children, especially as the oldest is approaching his teen years. YTA, OP." ~ KaraAuden
OP and the children might enjoy the irresponsible chaos, but their father clearly doesn't. OP needs to recognize he gets a say in the health and safety of their children, too.
