Managing a career and childcare is never easy.
That’s why it’s vital to have open communication with your partner and understand their needs and concerns.
And, find some outside help for when you have to work.
Redditor Certain-Bee-3412 encountered this very issue with her husband. So she turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
She asked:
“AITA for refusing to look after my daughter and telling my husband it was his problem to find babysitting?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (35 F) changed industries at the beginning of this year, and moved from a job where I worked 9 days every two weeks to working 5 days every week.”
“Prior to this, my husband (36M) and I had been alternating spending a day during the week looking after our 1 year old daughter. I told him that I wouldn’t be able to do this anymore, as I was now working full time, and we should consider either a nanny or an extra day of childcare, but he said that his mother wouldn’t like it, and he’d figure something out.”
“Well, it turns out that the thing he figured out was that I’d be able to start work from home for a few days a week after I’d been at the new job for a few months.”
“So, a couple of weeks ago, he went in for work on the day we didn’t have childcare, and made me look after the baby.”
“After this, I said this couldn’t be relied on for this, because work from home means work from home. It doesn’t mean work from home while dealing with a 1 year old. The advantage of WFH was the lack of commute.”
OP’s husband did not get it.
“Anyway, this Friday after work, he tells me that he needs me to look after the baby on Monday while he goes and trains a new employee.”
“I said it doesn’t work for me, as I have work, and I have a client meeting that morning, so I don’t have that much flexibility. He told me it was not feasible for him to take every Monday off, and I had to do it sometimes, and I was like, well, I can’t.”
“He then asked me what would make me happy. And I said that what would make me happy was going back in time and listening to me when I said we should arrange an extra day of childcare, and it was his decision not to do that, so he should figure out what to do with the baby and stop making it my problem.”
OP’s husband wasn’t happening.
“My husband was furious with me, because he thinks I’m not trying to make any compromises, and am putting my career before his.”
“The way I see it, he’s not taking my career seriously and is jeopardizing my reputation for reliability while I’m still in my probation phase in a new job and new industry.”
“My husband works for his parents, and has for most of his life, so I don’t think he realizes what the norms are for normal employment.”
“So, AITA?”
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Most Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
“NTA.”
“He created this issue by unilaterally deciding that Monday child care was out of the question because his mother ‘wouldn’t like it.'”
“He needs to figure this out on his own. To the extent he asks for help finding child care for Monday id help but only after he acknowledged this was a situation of his own making.”
“You’re justified in feeling he doesn’t respect your career, his behavior here suggests exactly that. He also seems very comfortable making a mess and expecting you to clean it up without acknowledging he made it in the first place.”
“This is troubling, hold the line and insist this get sorted out properly to avoid this bad behavior in the future.” ~ pinap45454
“It actually sort of reminds of this phrase, ‘Equality looks like oppression to the privileged.'”
“OP’s husband is so used to his career being prioritized over OP’s, that when OP demands equal consideration and respect for her time and job, OP’s husband feels like he is being disrespected, rather than being asked for equality.” ~ Junk-I-P
“Since his mother wouldn’t like it she can watch the baby. I agree, NTA” ~ perfectlowstorm
Redditors were confused.
“This whole thing doesn’t make sense to me. I have a 1 year old and if my husband brushed me off I wouldn’t have just done a 🤷🏻♀️.”
“I’m not saying the OP is an AH, but I don’t get why she didn’t push the issue. Brining it up once and then ignoring it clearly isn’t the answer. Like, it’s her kid too and what was the plan if the husband just left?”
“I can’t wrap my head around the fact that the OP wasn’t proactively looking for a solution.”
“Finding childcare isn’t quick or easy. Once I knew I would need it I would have been looking for it. Husband here is definitely wrong, but a lot of people have the wrong idea of what WFH means.”
“Husband is wrong, but OP is dumb too. It can take weeks or months to get childcare. What’s the plan between now and then? It doesn’t just affect husband because he’s ignorant. It affects them both as a couple.”
“Sometimes your partner is dumb and wrong and we know it. I don’t ignore the issue and wait for it to blow up in their face. I tell my husband he’s wrong and it’s better to be over prepared.” ~ sraydenk
“Well, he did say he’d ‘figure something out,’ indicating that he had it handled and the childcare was unnecessary. She had no way of knowing that what he MEANT was ‘I’m assuming you’ll do it.'” ~ bishkebab
“He already rejected all the easy and obvious solutions. It was his job to come up with the alternative.”
“He tried to pull the classic shitty husband trick of saying ‘I’ll take care of that’ to get his way in the moment and then being so incompetent and unreliable later that his wife would HAVE to step in and do the work anyways.”
“OP called his bluff and let him face the consequences. The baby isn’t being neglected, the husband is just inconvenienced. It was a smart move IMO, maybe next time he’ll think twice before trying to pull that again and stick to his word like an adult.” ~ beautyfashionaccount
This should’ve been a longer conversation.